Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
HENS, I am so sorry that you’re being targeted by this b*tch. Yes, she is quite clearly putting the life of the dog on your shoulders, and it’s reprehensible, on every level.
The first exspath used to do that: if you don’t ____, I’m going to put the dog down.
What she’s doing is 100% attempted manipulation and guilt-tripping. Vicious, malicious, and intentional UGH is RIGHT!
Brightest supportive blessings to you
You know, it’s this type of abusive manipulation that really triggers me. Not that you’re “responsible” for this trigger, Hens, and I want that understood. I am at a point where I’m becoming so intolerant of people’s manipulations and guilt-tripping that I’d probably have come back with a very nasty response, but this is something that I need to learn how to manage.
(snort) What a mean woman.
Hens, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, the sooner you cut these people out of your life, the sooner you can have better people around you. You can’t plant a new garden until you’ve cleared out the old garden. It takes a lot of trust in the universe to cut people out of your life when your income is tied to them. This is where you become very resourceful. You sit down with whatever you conceive your higher power to be and say, “Okay, WHAT can I do to fill in that income?” I think if you can keep your mind and heart very open to possibilities, something will come along. I have lost count of all the times I did this for myself and it always worked.
Just recently, my boss at the office offered me a fourth day a week. I really could have used the money, but the thought of the drudgery of being there a fourth day felt really demoralizing. I could not get excited about it. So I turned it down. I knew in my heart that turning it down was the right decision for me, even though I was broke. And it wasn’t more than a week or so later I got a call from one of my massage clients. She had told her chiropractor what a great massage therapist I am. He now wants to hire me to do insurance work for him where HE does all the billing! I will be making about $160 per hour minus 10% for him to do all the paperwork. Even on the companies who don’t pay well, he says the minimum I will make is $85 an hour. I can live with that. This is WAY better than an extra day of office work. But if I’d taken the 4th day of office work, I would not have been able to pick up a day with the chiropractor.
ALWAYS aim high, hens. You deserve the very best in life. You don’t need to settle for narcissistic clients. You will waste so much energy figuring out how to deal with them – energy that is better spent doing something more fun and enjoyable. It’s just not worth it. There ARE good clients out there but you have to put it out there into the universe that it’s what you want. You cannot have it if you are busy with the toxic ones. A person only has so much energy.
If you truly cannot afford to just cut out all your toxic clients, that’s okay. At least sit down and daydream what it would feel like to have respectful clients. Imagine how you would feel going to work for them, see your appointment book filling up with them, and imagine the happiness you will have when people treat you with respect. If you do that, you will magnetize this into your life. It DOES work.
What’s happening in my life lately is that I don’t even really need to cut people out anymore. They just fall away. Narcissists are not attracted to someone who will not be a source of supply to them. High energy healer-type people just appear in my life almost as if by magic. And I am sure to recognize them and appreciate them when they do. Salsa friends, Zumba friends, wonderful new supervisor, new massage clients – I have these great people coming into my life. I know it is what I have been wanting and asking for. It’s not really “magic”; it’s just my strong intention.
Hens,
I agree with Truthy, she is trying to manipulate you by laying a “guilt trip” on you about the dog.
Frankly, the dog may be better off being put down than living with her as an owner. And, if you were to take care of him this weekend and give in to her manipulation/guilt trip, then what happens the NEXT TIME she wants to go away for the weekend?
You don’t have a choice if she puts the dog down or not, but you DO have a choice about accepting this load of CRAP GUILT. You can choose to NOT accept this load of crap and while you may be sad for the dog that its time on earth has come to an end because of this horrible woman who doesn’t care about an animal that is helpless and found itself in her care, or you can offer to take the dog and KEEP IT and not give it back and take on its care yourself, or you can just realize that there are some things not in your control….or your responsibility.
I love animals, too, Henry, but I know I can’t take care of all of them in the world that don’t have homes, so I take care of what i can and sometimes I have to put down animals. That’s just the way it is in the world. Not ideal, but just a sucky reality that I have to accept even though I don’t like it. ((((hugs)))
Star,
Your right. I have complained about this client on the blog numerous time’s. About her bad behavior etc. She is no doubt a narcissist. I have known her 20 years, even gone to Co. (driving miss daisy ) several times. I bet you remember me posting fron Co. a few years back. I never relax with this woman, never know what her mood will be from one minute to the next. I am very loyal to my client’s and put up with more than the average person would. I am guilty of thinking my employer’s are my friends. I need to stop thinking that way.
Star I recently made the last pymt. on my mortgage. Have a new job and some new ( side job client’s ) so it is time to cut her loose. I quit working for her one time about 5 years ago and she hired some dirt farmer to do her yard work and he quit, he wouldnt even return her calls. The only reason I still work for her is because of her sister ( The Lady ), well her sister is moving to another town to put some distance between them and get away from the narc sisters negativity. So I am going to let her find somebody else to make feel like shit. Thanks for the pep talk..
Ox, it is time for the old boxer to ( go home ) BUT the fact that the narc woman is doing it because I cant care for him at her convience just confirms my opinion of her..SELFISH.
Hens, she’s not just selfish, she’s sick and manipulative. Good for you, hon – you’re taking this bull by the horns and dealing with it!
And, if you need to “complain” about a situation, THIS is the place to do it, Hens! Good godalmighty, I complained and whined about the colleague and his g/f for WEEKS!!! So, this is your safety-net.
Brightest blessings
Truthy. Thanks for cracking me up – lol – godalmighty – oh my..
Hens, sounds like the timing is good for you to cut the whole lot of them out of your life. Think about it. You could spend a big chunk of time here complaining about them and having people to assuage you and tell you that yes, they are manipulative pieces of crap (which they are). OR you could use that time for something really energizing in your life – generating new business, starting a new hobby, dancing, painting…….you get the drift. I vote for option 2. Did you ever read the Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters that I posted a few weeks ago? (No one commented on it, so it got lost in all the posts). In chapter 4, she walks down the same street she always walked down. She sees the same big hole in the sidewalk that she always has fallen into. In previous chapters, it takes less and less time to get out of the hole. In chapter 4, however, she steps AROUND the hole. But the biggest breakthrough in her life she makes in Chapter 5 when she WALKS DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET. 🙂 I have read this poem many times over the years. I always would cry uncontrollably when I got to chapter 5. Not sure why. Lately, I’ve stopped crying when I read that chapter. It’s because I have already chosen to walk down a different street myself. And it feels great. I think maybe you are ready to walk down a different street, too.
So many people are constantly doing battle with psychotic, toxic, dangerous people. It can *seem* like these people are everywhere, and you have to constantly guard yourself against them. It makes you feel like you can hardly trust anyone. I’m here to tell you that you really don’t have to do this. You can invite and attract a better quality of people into your life. It happens when you have that feeling inside that you yourself are a quality person, and that you deserve to be surrounded by quality people. Do you think you are the only good person in all of Oklahoma? (I think that’s where you live.) There are lots of good souls out there like you. So now you need to figure out how to attract them. They’re out there. And yes, I do remember your trip to CO. If you ever come out here again, you better drop by for a visit! I promise, there will be no drama from me. 🙂 I will take you hiking and show you some of the beauty of my state.
I want to add that I think I mentioned the massage client I had several years ago who was extremely entitled and narcissistic. She pushed my boundaries all the time, and I was perpetually pissed off at her and trying to figure out how to deal with her. I felt I needed to, because she was a regular weekly client and was helping to pay my bills. I knew she would never leave for another massage therapist. Guaranteed income. It finally got to a point where I had to cut her out. It was sad for me because after two years I was very fond of her in spite of the issues. After she left, two or three new clients came in and took her place. 3 or 4 years later, now every single one of my clients is a fabulous person. I always look forward to seeing them and feel privileged to work with them.
Star, your “biography” is a good one, and I thought it stood for itself so didn’t comment, but it is a GOOD one.
You are also right, these people take up our TIME and our ENERGY that could better be spent on something positive.