Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
Agreed, Oxy! Speaking of something positive, I mentioned I had my first of 3 hypnosis sessions on Friday clearing my issues with men and having more confidence around them. I wasn’t sure how much of a change there was. But tonight was the test. I went to the salsa club. I was wearing a hot red outfit. I showed up fashionably late while they were having the group beginner lesson. J was there on the other side of the room. Very confidently, I strutted across the room right in front of everyone and sat down to change into my dance shoes. I made sure J saw me. Then I squeezed into the rotation with the dancer next to J. J was the second person who came up in my rotation. I noticed that the energy between us seems to have shifted to a more balanced place. He gave me a huge hug and told me how beautiful I looked in my red outfit. I told him he looked handsome. I told him red is a color of passionate people. After the lesson, we danced together and he was his usual attentive self. Later we were hanging out outside with his arm around me and he walked me back in arm in arm and initiated a few dances. On the second dance, I went into that magical bliss realm I often go into with him. He commented that he loves dancing with me because I smile so much. He also spontaneously brought up my birthday party to tell me he was going. He mentioned a spins workshop a few of us are doing in the Springs in October. We arranged to carpool maybe with one or two other people and then to go to my favorite restaurant down there afterwards. So this will be a good time for me to get to know him in a casual group setting to see if we mesh off the dance floor.
But the best part is that the connection I felt with him I felt with every single guy I danced with tonight! I was there till 11:45 and had the time of my life. There were a few men I never danced well with before but we danced so well together tonight. They kept asking me to dance over and over – I think there is one guy who just goes there to dance with me (!). J left early, but I stayed and danced with a lot of guys. Many of the dances were truly memorable. So I feel like I have my power back and not crushing so much on J (though I still think he’s the man I’m going to marry :)). He even mentioned to me that he’s taking a second salsa class with this well-known gorgeous blonde woman who happens to work at the same hospital I work at. And I didn’t feel jealous. Last weekend, I saw him dancing with her I was hit with a wave of jealousy. This week, I feel like things are coming back into balance between us, and like I am coming more into my power as a woman. I honestly felt like a siren tonight. I don’t remember feeling that way in many many weeks. I think the hypnosis had some effect. I will keep y’all posted, as I have 2 more hypnosis sessions left. The hypnotist guy said that the sessions will change my life, and that in 40 years, he has never failed in doing this for anyone. So I’m hopeful!
More to come on this next week………..
Why am I still bewildered when I read the posts? Same DNA, just the names change.
We all need to be the voice that exposes them.
One day I had run across online, totally by accident, a list of traits of a sociopath. After reading it I realized my then-BF was one, but I didn’t pursue what that meant for me until about 2 years later when I was at the end of my rope with him (by googling “sociopathic relationships” and finding lovefraud first!).
Anyway, shortly after learning he was a spath, I called him that during an argument. He got really quiet and said “where did you hear that?” And I said I saw the traits online and he then said “J***** (an ex-GF of his who is a psychiatric nurse) called me that too”.
Oddly, she continues to be in his life to this day (he’d lie to her and tell her we were broken up and then cheat on me with her), despite understanding what he is. I told her once to come to this site but I don’t know if she ever did.
Raised by Sociopath–
That is NOT the definition of a psychopath, but it’s what the majority of the general public thinks, which is why we all have such a hard time explaining to others what we’ve been through. If I mention to someone that my ex is a sociopath or psychopath (almost interchangeable terms, BTW), they look at me like I’M the crazy one. So I generally say he’s a malignant or pathological narcissist, which gets a better response.
Thank you for this post; after uncovering a trail of victims/survivors of a psychopath, a common thread question was “do they know what they are”?
A gang of female sociopaths did horrific harm to one, and as individuals, left a string of victims throughout their lives.
The concensus is “they know” what they do and who they are. They “enjoy” their “accomplishments”: to rob, steal, and in some cases attempt to kill for gain.
To me these are criminal actions and yet they instill fear, confusion to avoid prosecution. Two actually engage law enforcement, hopefully unwittingly on their part, to “act out” their plots.
One case actually “conned” a medical community to cause harm.
My feeling is that unless even more is brought public…there will continue to be “shame/fear” that keeps victims from getting the help needed to keep “these black widows” from us!
To abbri
I get the same response when I say “sociopath” and then people don’t understand why I was taken in. They claim they can identify a sociopath easily and stay away. They truly don’t get it.
To alivetoday
I haven’t read all your posts but, it seems to me the average time frame is 3-4 years (with exceptions). That’s when people finally get out. Mine didn’t want me to meet any of his new group of friends either for the same reason. I had outed him with his former “adoring fans” before. Yes, I stupidly went back. He said he was “trying to be a better person”. He proceeded to trash me and discredit me beforehand in case I “outed” him again all the while telling me how much he cared for me and using me for sex. Made the bond stronger. I’m sure he thought it was funny. I ended up looking like the crazy one to his friends.
Once again (probably) I am reminded of Richard Wilbur’s poem: The Undead, which so succinctly portrays the sociopath. and Oh Yes hell hath no fury like the scorn of an exposed sociopath!
I was thinking of this subject just yesterday wondering (foolishly) how much they see into themselves. But of course they are profoundly confused having based their entire existence on an ever growing LIE. Its the life of the Shame Based.
These will be the parental alienators if youre headed for a custody fight. The jealously knows no bounds and with increasing exposure one reaps increasing vengenace!!
When I mentioned what our therapist said he was, he twisted it around and said I was the crazy one and she didnt know what she was talking about.
They dont like to be found out, even if you dont name it for them… thats how I got beaten severely for the last time, and he got arrested and convicted on a higher charge due to the severity of my injuries… he said I did them to myself… to the end they believe they dont do anything wrong.
How about this one: once he dragged me by the hair and threw me into the protruding corner at the top of the stairs… and then ran away and called his mom and cried to her “momma, I cant take her anymore, make it stop.” Same psychology at work as your wonderfully written article expresses… its always someone else even when its not.
Love your article 🙂
I think this is a good post. I stumbled aross the information about Sociopaths about a year after I left the Sociopath that was in my life. I believe he knew he was one. I think they do destroy us because that’s what they do to get what they need, to get back at us. I hope everyone here finds a way to heal.