Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
One day, when I’ve realised what I was dealing with…I’ve printed out many pages on: how to recognise spath… Ticked all the boxes. Left it in my drawer.
One day he had stollen my notes. Now it is presented by his lawyer, as an evidence against me…case is over custody, nevertheless…
Just to tell you know…beware of such a possibility…
Interestingly similar experience here with the revelation of other half being a Spath.. he had always hated in any way being judged or ‘helped’ or even analysed (of course as it was all other’s fault or he made out he couldn’t understand what the problem was with his behaviours), but no one had figured out what was wrong with him and why he behaved the way he did..I was into my online investigations a whole 15 years before I thought I may have discovered what had previously been diagnosed in him as ADHD, Aspergers syndrome,and opositional defiance disorder, and the results of being brought up by a narcissitic mother, but for me, none of these diagnoses seemed to quite fit all the symptoms he displayed..then I read ‘The Socopath Next Door’ by Martha Stout and things fell into place and the revelation was so scary, the adrenalin rushed around me , making me feel shaky. I know now it is best never to confront them with what you think, but we were having an argument and I came out with it in anger ‘you’re a ******** sociopath’, and I turned to watch his expression and he was very calm and smirked and quietly said ‘maybe I am…’ It was the only time I had ever been able to level a diagnosis in his direction that he didn’t retort aggressively about, or get angry or deny, so I pushed my luck, and calmed down and asked ‘You think you are? REALLY?’ and he said ‘Maybe’…it was almost as if the block that had been between us from his point of view had been removed and he suddenly started to ‘let me into his world’..the arguments we had had over the years about how he had treated people who mattered to me, isolated me from friends, insulted people I loved, lost me employment etc..he was willing to talk to me about the REAL reason he had been rude to them, etc…it was as if I had earned a gold star in his eyes for figuring him out.
It was very eery and made me feel intimidated for the first time since I had lived with him (over 30 years!) He now admits to things he used to deny and we have a much calmer existence..yes I am still with him, I know the score and so does he..he wants me here and he ‘behaves’ but he admits he doesn’t understand feelings, most people, and has short patience, and basically I almost feel like HE really wished he did.
Yes he is selfish and thoughtless but he does try not to be. I take one day at a time and know what not to expect from him. He sees me as being ‘on his side’ because I understand him, and for now that has made all the difference.. I am not sure what the future will bring though..I have plan B ready for action should I need it.
I have several times wanted to call my spath out …..in seeing the reactions from other womens exerpiences, I kept quiet, Reading this made me realize I did the right thing, I will no longer feed into more drama with him, He did however at one time tell me he thougth he was bi-polar, I knew something wasn’t right so I just told him maybe he should see someone, of course he never did…
Sayse, I hope you find it in yourself to move away, we all deserve Real Love, but God Bless you for hanging in there!
I was married to a sociopath for 6 years. After 250k debt to the IRS cheating them and lie after lie after lie, HE left me. But there is more to this story. I think I too am a sociopath. When I was in the first grade I came home from the circus and told my grandma that they let me in with the lions and I was on the high wire. wth?? In the second grade I stole my grandma’s wedding ring from her jewelery box. (she lived upstairs in our duplex) In front of my folks I prayed for a ring for my first communion. VIOLA under my pillow the next day… As I got older I started stealing from everyone. Clothes, jewelery, albums, pictures, money, whatever. Even when I didn’t want or need it, I stole. I was caught by my cousin and my aunt and they insisted that my parents take me for counseling. I am sure they did, I don’t remember. To this day I cannot control myself and I PRAY and beg God everyday to take this away from me. I know what I am doing. I know what I am doing to others, but I can’t stop!! People think I am SO SWEET, but I secretly know I am not. After this divorce, I vowed to never get involved with anyone again. Ours was a perfect marriage until I got hurt. Then I was disgruntled. I didn’t know why we were getting so much refunds from the IRS but I didn’t care. His mom, who is a MAJOR s-path begged us to come to CA from PA and she supported us. We wanted for nothing. I worked full time, always, he worked when she insisted that he get a job, but never kept it very long. But regardless of what he was/is , it makes me sick to my stomach that I AM ONE AS WELL. I don’t know why God won’t change me. when I pray I think that maybe He wants me to learn how to change myself, but I am so unsuccessful at that. I wish there were a place to go for someone like me to get help. I have been in therapy over and over, but I honestly think that no matter what I do myself, there is no cure. My thoughts are that I am all of the above that everyone has commented on, I just don’t know how to stop. HELP ME.
This is a great question, and interesting post. I’ve written Donna once about an experience I had with a woman who at the very least displayed sociopathic tendencies, and have always wondered whether she ever reflected on anything she did and had any understanding that what she did was abnormal.
Just to quickly sum up, this was a woman, quite beautiful, with whom I struck up a friendship of sorts. I realized that she regularly lied to me, took a lot of money from me based upon pleas of poverty when she had more than I did in the bank from regularly sleeping with rich men for money, was extremely self-centered–never showing interest even when I had a death in the family, could not keep a promise, and carried on a string of “boyfriend”-type relationships with various men at the same time.
At the end of our “relationship”, I tried to dig deep enough to know if there was a person in there with whom I could talk. The most I could get out of her were two statements. One was this, after I confronted her about having fake relationships:
“I have no fake relationships. And I have no honest ones either.”
The other was when I said she lived in denial of reality when confronted with the truth.
“Yes, I am this kind of person. I do not deny it.”
So she had a kind of awareness of how she operated. But this awareness did not translate into an emotional reaction to bring a change within her. As with all her other actions, she intellectually understood what she was doing and how she acted, but did not feel any concomitant emotion. She was very intelligent, but, as I saw it, there was a gap between her mind and her heart.
So as for being aware of what they do, I think sociopathic types do have an awareness, but, as they are detached emotionally from others, they are detached from themselves as well. Therefore, this awareness does not result in any self-knowledge or self-understanding, and certainly no impetus to seek help to change.
Mair — if you are still struggling with kleptomania, then you are a kleptomaniac, but that doesn’t make you a sociopath.
The fact that you are praying to overcome your anti-social behavior probably means that you are not a sociopath.
Read the stories posted on this board — very few of us have ex spouses who ever prayed for anything, and very few of us have ex spouses who ever REALLY wanted to change their behavior or even thought that there might be something wrong with them.
If you have a history of working full time over lengthy periods of time, you are way ahead of a lot of people who are discussed on this board.
If many people think you are sweet, but you think that you aren’t, then maybe you have some sociopathic traits, or maybe you really do have some great qualities, and your sociopathic ex and his sociopathic mother have blame shifted onto you for so long that you are confused about your self worth.
Do some research, and find a psychiatrist or psychologist with a lot of experience with kleptomania. Just focus on trying to overcome that one problem. Don’t try to form any new deep relationships while you are coming to grips with the kleptomania.
Don’t give up on therapy just because the therapist you had as a child was ineffective. I dropped out of therapy several times because I either didn’t “click” with the therapist, or didn’t have the financial ability to continue. But I am in therapy now, and I have made quite a bit of progress.
You can’t get better if you don’t try.
Best wishes to you, and may the Lord help you.
thank you so much. i have wondered if I were a kleptomaniac and it was nice to get your comforting words. thank you.
mair, I read your post yesterday before leaving for work. I wanted to respond, but was running late. You stayed on my mind throughout my shift, and I wanted to say, pretty much everything DfG said above.
You have an addiction. A compullsive behavior. The fact that you are so forth-coming, and desire change, that you work for change, indicates to me that you are not a sociopath. Sometimes, addiction is just another symptom of sociopathy, but not always. Addictions are shame based, and are fuelled by secrecy…the behavior is triggered by shame, and then induces more shame.
I’m with DfG, please don’t give up on yourself, and continue with therapy. You deserve to feel good about yourself.
thank you Kim for taking time to respond. thank you both.