Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
We all do from time to time;)
Sunflower
It’s been 7 months….why can’t I get “it” out of my head! When my counselor talked about predation, I really had know concept of a human predator. I just can’t wrap my head around it when I think of predation, I think about animals. The other day I watched an eagle dive bomb for a fish….I thought to myself, that is predation. But for a person to be so laser focused on his wants is beyond what my brain can make sense of. That is exactly what he did to me… Focused all his energies on getting what he wanted from me. Only once he got it, the rules changed and he asked for more and more……that is until he spotted his next target….now is bored with her…an is looking to recycle
Snowwhite,
I understand the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing, when trying to understand another human being that is diametrically opposed to your own way of functioning in the world.
It helps to stop analysing them using OUR measurements of being human (self awareness, kindness, ability to learn from mistakes, feelings for others well-being, the ability to create deep and lasting bonds with others- and to WANT to create those bonds, etc….).
These folks DO NOT operate from these life urges and abilities. They are lacking the ‘life stuff’ that allows them to. So, in their worlds survival rules. And they will do anything to survive.
Sure, they are all a bit different (in that way they are ‘like’ us). Some are smarter, some not. Some are short and fat and ugly….you get the idea. But underlying some very uncontrollable and basic differences they are the SAME.
They manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, coerce, abuse, and harm. Bottom line, no matter HOW they do it, they harm.
Some cry, some don’t. Some yell. Some are quiet and sly as church mice. Some wear hippie clothes and teach people how to sweat their worries away, but will sleep with your wife. Some wear suits and give financial advice and steal people’s inhertances.
Think of them as cakes with different frosting. Then remember that under that different frosting is poop. ALL of them are poop cake.
Slim
Snowwhite,
One other thing…my understanding is that one reason we keep thinking and working through the details of ‘them’ is BECAUSE of the dissonance we experience. Look up cog. diss. It is very helpful to understand what it is, and how it will eventually dissipate.
Ox, You mention Dr. Baron-Cohen’s assertions and research showing that people as a whole have a varying level of empathy from the total autistic who has ZERO empathy to the person with Asperger’s who has a bit more empathy, to the person who has way too much empathy.
I know this is getting away from the main topic of this article, however, if no one minds, I would be most appreciative to acquire more information/insignt from you, or others who may have knowledge about the differences with regard to Asperger’s and Psychopathy. I mean, here is the thing. I do swim therapy with kids and adults that are autistic. Some have Asperger’s Syndrome, and personally, I can see the differences, however, I have yet to find any literature that lists the exact diferences and similarities with regard to Aspies and P’s.
The P that came into my life, announces to his victims, early on in the relationship that he has Asperger’s. Of course, after the fact, I do know why he does this, however, in the first threee months of the aftermath, I was struggling deeply with whether or not he was in fact an Aspie, or if he indeed was a P. And I supose he could be both, but I doubt he has Asperger’s. I let all of this go a long time ago, however, I am now just curious. Maybe it is solely the “empathy” factor? Can I obtain the information that would help me shut the door on this, from this book that you refer to? If you have any info that could help shed light on it, for me, that would be fabulous.
This article is most poignant. Thank you, Linda for writing and sharing it!
Slimline.
Thanks for the analogy and the laugh! I needed a good laugh. I have learned about cog dis and obviously have not come to terms with it yet.
All his exes have moved on and never looked back. Perhaps it is because of the long idealization phase I experienced with him and the short D and d
D of only two weeks?????
Slimone, I LOVE your cake/frosting/poop analogy of a P. It’s perfect…and they ARE all poop cake.
Maybe you are in denial still? The road to accept is a long and hard road, just as letting go. This is what they do, they creep in under your skin so they can distance control you forever, still feed on your energies, knowing you’ll always be there when they need you. At the same time they feel important, they now you’ll never forget them. That’s how meaningful they are to you. It is all in their ego, it is not about you. Sometimes it is best to not try to understand and turn inward, focusing on your own mechanisms and childhood wounds.
Preditation means your ex saw your weaknesses and used them to “eat” you, to use you, only to get what he wanted. He was a lion who studied a herd of gazelles, found the weakest, but also the strongest link, planned how he was going to pray upon it and struck when the moment was right. But a lion don’t want to hunt something that will turn over dead just by looking at it, they like the fight. It makes it fun when there’s resistance. The harder the pray he can put down, the more proud he feels over him self. He saw something in you he admired, wished he had and tried to take that away from you. He felt small next to you and how could he become greater? By making you small. look:
Feeling: I feel weak. Coping: I dominate you. Result: I feel strong and powerful.
Feeling: I feel hurt. Coping: I hurt you. Result:I feel better
Feeling: I feel inadequate. Coping: I tell you how useless you are. Result: I feel better than you.
Control. Projections. Feeling of power. He can’t live without this, ever. He got to do this to every one so HE can feel powerful. He deliberately looked for your flaws so he could break you down in order to feel good about him self. He feels good when he has, money (doesn’t matter if it’s your money), power (the king of the hill), sex (doesn’t matter how he gets it), attention etc etc etc. You had something he didn’t, that was what he wanted. Point is: He knew what he was doing and he planned it all along!
I think some of the others have better answers than me, because I’m going in a match here (means I’m feeling the same as you). I still sometimes struggle to “get it” but the more I realise, the more aha moments I have, the more I can shift the blame he placed upon me, the easier it gets to get it. You get that it was his projections of HIS ego and you see your own pattern that made it possible. I recommend alot of reading. The more you understand the better. Read the gaslight effect, why is it always about you, women who loves too much, How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved workbook, Stalking the soul, the betrayal bond, the unspoken voice, the ptsd workbook, toxic parents, The seducer, the lovefraud books, The gift of betrayal, trust after trauma, getting past your past to mention a few.
Keep reading here, because on Lovefraud you’ll get the answers you need. Believe you me.
Hang in there, ok?
Slim,
LOL! poopcake! That’s one I’ve never heard before, but it’s spot on!
Shane,
They can have both, aspergers and psychopathy.
Both types lack empathy, the difference is the mask. A spath will hide his lack of empathy, an Aspie, not so much — unless he’s also a spath. Then he will try to hide it but not succeed very well.
With Asperger’s, there are other “quirks” as well. Some are very picky about specific textures, tastes, noises etc…
With Asperger’s they are generally known as quirky in some way. Often times they get very focused on something to the exclusion of all else, a hobby, a collection, or a game.
I think they also have a tendency to organize things excessively.
If the person says the are Aspie but doesn’t show these quirks, then it could be just a mask. A couple years ago I was reading on another forum where there was discussion about using Asperger’s as a mask.
Linda,
Your article reminded me of when I said to my spath-bro, “I figured out what’s wrong with you.” Well, I was wrong. I had just finished reading a book about narcissism and I was going to tell him he was a narcissist. I had not yet learned about or figured out that he is a psychopath.
He didn’t let me finish. He interrupted, “You don’t know. I know what I have.” Then he walked out. But it wasn’t over.
That night, he woke me from my sleep by screaming his head off. When I went to see what was going on, he attacked me. Then he called the police and reported that I had attacked him. I was arrested on a DV.
This was when I had run to my parents’ home hiding from the ex-spath. Little did I realize that the house was filled with spaths. My parents did nothing and he still lives there in their basement at age 48.
You have to be careful when you out them to their face. Some of them worry that you will tell others and they will lose their main supply.