Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
Speaking_Up, the exspath left and never returned after I found the straw that broke this camel’s back in the form of an email that he had written to his playmate about canceling his plans with her two days before I discovered his double life. Between the time of my discovery and the time of my violent outburst, 5 weeks had passed and he had denied having had any extramarital sexual encounters, again, and again, and again. When I approached this topic, I was calm, composed, and direct, and he consistently denied what was clearly obvious – why would he have duplicate gimp suits and fetish wear for women in that bag along with an open box of condoms? Fantasy? REALLY?
During those 5 weeks, the exspath talked about everything except what his choices had caused me, personally. He never approached the shattered trust, the unacceptable nature of his “interests,” where my personal finances had gone, or why our joint finances were in such tatters.
When I found the email that he had denied over, and over, again, I literally “saw red.” I have never experienced such a violent meltdown in my entire life and I attacked him, physically, when he explained the email as being “head games.” It all ame down to that one phrase – he had perpetrated “head games” throughout our entire association.
My reaction was out of character and gave the exspath an excuse to leave and never return. Of course, this also meant that he “left” all joint financial obligations and promptly had me arrested for domestic violence assault.
So, today, I acknowledge and am aware of the fact that anybody can be pushed beyond the brink of their endurance. I’m not proud of the way that I reacted – not by a long shot. I couldn’t stop crying for about 4 days, didn’t eat more than a mouthful for about 6 weeks, lost 40 lb in those six weeks, and got involved in counseling therapy, immediately after the episode. But, it is vital for me to understand that I am responsible for my actions and that my actions were beyond anything that I ever thought possible from my Self.
Having typed all of that, I have acknowledged and accepted responsibility for my actions, and I also know that a violent physical reaction will never happen, again. I still feel anger about this whole deception and betrayal. It may be that there will always be some level of anger – I don’t know. But, I pay close attention to things that trigger that anger: words, phrases, behaviors, etc. Most often, when my anger starts to simmer, it’s due to a trigger that I hadn’t expected. This is part and parcel of the sociopath experiences and it’s something that I’ll be working on for the rest of my life.
OxD and Dupey made a very clear point: anger IS okay. We aren’t going to burn in hell if we feel angry. We “feel” guilt and shame when we become angry because we were programmed to believe that expressing anger is reserved for “special people” who “deserve” to feel and express their emotions. We, on the other hand, don’t view ourselves worthy enough to feel anything, much less righteous indignation and anger, and that is a core-belief issue.
Expressing anger is healthy as long as we don’t go off our rails and end up doing what I did.
Brightest comforting blessings
Truthspeak, We have a lot in common, I think. I’m wondering if you had many red-flags, or suspicions about your spaths activities….? Did your spath “day-dream” or seem to check himself into a fantasy state, around you?
Was he emotionally withdrawn? Did you ignore or deny your suspicions? What exactly led up to your discovery?
I ask this. because , in hind sight, I realized that I saw the whole thing unfold, right under my nose, but was so invested in my image of him, and my life with him, that I looked the other way.
/this is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with.
But, after struggling to figure out “what happened”, I can see clearly, that every aspect of my relationship with him fell right into the process of any relationship with a narcissistic spouse. Porn addiction, impotance, idealization, then devalue and disgard, gasd-lighting, cognitive dissonance, serial affairs, feeling invisable and voiceless, verbal, and physical abuse, and duping delight….me, baffeled, and hurt…all the time, then I withdrew myself, putting all my attention into therapy and my education….until, shiat hit the fan, that is, then I just went a little nuts, for a little while.
Kim Frederick, there were certainly “red flags” all along. From the lovebombing before we ever even met, in person, to the predatory stare, to the minimalizing of my triumphs and accomplishments. Yes, I ignored those “red flags” for a number of reasons and excuses.
For me, the cognitive dissonance worked better than any other tactic simply because the exspath would actually state, aloud, “I will NEVER abuse you….like that.” He would go to great lengths to ridicule and criticize his family members, coworkers, mutual friends, etc., by saying things like, “Anyone that would cheat on their (wife/husband) should just get a divorce and go about their merry way.” Well, these types of statements and assertions were intended (deliberately intended) to make me believe that the exspath shared the same core beliefs in fealty and fidelity that I maintained. Everything he said and did was scripted to ensnare my trust.
Kim, when we’re engaged in strong counseling therapy with someone that truly “gets it,” the shit DOES hit the proverbial fan because we are confronted with our Selves – the damaged psyche that ignored instincts and “red flags,” and that damaged psyche doesn’t want to be separated from its host – the TRUE person that we were meant to be, all along.
Yeah, we go nuts. Recovery and healing isn’t warm and fuzzy, by a long shot. I don’t like it, at all. It’s painful and grueling, but it’s also liberating, empowering, and powerFUL (if THAT makes sense).
So, yeah….the exspath is a despicable parasitic predator, but I have had to acknowledge that I gave him everything that he wanted because of my own personal issues and fear-based beliefs. THIS has been the most bitter pill to swallow. That is not to be interpreted to mean that I somehow “deserved” the carnages that were perpetrated – certainly not. But, what it means is that I am responsible for maintaining my boundaries, trusting my instincts, and EXPECTING others to EARN my trust, rather than giving it to them, freely, because I don’t want to be ignored, abandoned, dismissed, or disliked. Today, I don’t give a single fart in a windstorm whether or not someone “likes me” or that I meet THEIR approval.
That’s when the circle begins to straighten itself out and becomes a path to healing rather than remaining a cycle of spath madness, IMHO.
Brightest blessings
Oh, Kim, the story is too long to recollect on this thread, but I was searching through my home to find valuables (of MINE) to sell because the exspath was saying what dire financial straights we were in. I was not employed, at the time, and at the height of a year-long flare that had rendered me nearly crippled.
I looked in “our” closet for something valuable and saw a bag that I hadn’t seen for a very long time. Have you ever seen someone or something that gave off absolutely NEGATIVE vibes? My instincts were screaming at me that the contents of that bag were evil, negative, bad, poisonous, dangerous……don’t OPEN it because what’s in it is BAD. Well, I did open it and my marriage ended within the 30 seconds that it took to see the contents and process what they meant. There were fetish suits (his & hers), open box of condoms, the most violent DVD porn collection that I could ever have imagined in my entire life, and books that featured torture of women with cattle prods, whips, branding irons, gang-rape, and veiled necrophilia. I almost vomited into the bag, literally.
The exspath claimed that the extra female fetish clothing in that bag was for …………. fantasy purposes. LMAO!!!!!!!
Uh…yeah……whatever. He’s gone, anyone who wants that man can HAVE it, and I’m evolving from that easily duped boob into a mean, strong, and hyper-vigilant bitch.
LOLOL!!!
Truthspeak:
OK, this may sound bad and I may get flack for this, but what was so bad about hitting him??? I can see it now…I love it actually…he DESERVED it!!!!!!! Now, as long as someone doesn’t go around beating people up all the time, seriously, but in a case like that…uh, yeah, I think I am all for it! 🙂
Louise, it was “bad” because it was against the law – a legal act of domestic violence AND a criminal act of aggravated assault, according to the police report.
The most ludicrous aspect of the whole event was that there had NEVER been a previously violent episode during the entire marriage and that the exspath engaged in sexual beatings, ALL OF THE TIME with at least one other person and, in all probability, was paying BIG money to engage in BDSM gatherings with his playmate in the nearby “Big City” where fetish shops and adult stores are abundant.
Even my therapist said (and, I quote), “Well, don’t you think he kinda had it coming?”
For a long, long time, I couldn’t get beyond the fact that I had committed an act of domestic violence, by definition, and I had a very, very hard time letting go of that guilt and shame.
Today….yeah, he deserved it. Will I ever let a situation get to that point, again? Oh, no…..there will never be another “situation” because I won’t allow it.
Brightest blessings and thank you so much for your support
Louise, as an aside, this all went down BEFORE I found out about the financial frauds and forged checks, etc……
I don’t even want to imagine how I would have reacted if I had known about the financial frauds, as well. At the time, it was his violent deviant infidelities that ended the marriage. Over a quarter of a million dollars pissed into the wind? Let’s just not even go there…..
I had been beaten up several times, without raising a hand to defend myself, then, for a couple of years the violence stopped, but only because his emotional energy was elsewhere, with one or more other women……..
After I knew the truth, and was well into therapy, I was angry, we were arguing, and as I walked past him, he said, “your worthless.” It was instantanious. I slapped him as hard as i could, without a moments thought. I said, “Don’t you ever say that to me again.”
That was the one and only time I was physically violent with him…..I was a verbal onslaught however….I had an arsinal of verbal attack weapons.
The thing is, all this emotional energy is part of the mechinism of traumatic bonding….anyone with healthy boundries, and normal self-esteme would have left the situation long before it came to this.
Oh, and Truthy, that comment I made about healthy boundrys and leaving was only about me….not you. Ok. When I re-read it, I realized it could be interpreted as a critism of you. Not so.
Truthspeak:
I understand. I get that about it being “bad” because it is against the law and something we are not supposed to do. But… 🙂