Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
Sunflower, So very happy for you and your new-found happiness, and your glimmers of hope and joyfulness!! What a profound experience! Keep up the work that you are doing that has created these positive occurances for you! I wish you many many more of those experiences!
Shane,
Yes. The cog diss leads to the PTSD. It becomes a cycle. But it will break. I don’t think, though I am by far no expert, we can force the process.
The websites understand how the cog diss resoves more than I do. For me I did alot of assessment with regards to my ‘beliefs’ about myself, human beings in general, and what was true and what were lies I told myself.
I also did alot of checking in with safe people when I was triggered, and got a reality check from them about what was going on. This way I didn’t project my trauma into my immediate surrounding as much.
Slim
Snow white. when my wife finally let it sink in( i think) is when she spoke with his estranged sister. she described for her how he had molested his own neices, and how she had undergone a year of therapy to try to get over things like trusting her own brother with her girls. and not seeing. she said, “fifty people cant be wrong.” the reverse is also true. wheres his train of lifelong believers? my wifes spath had not one real friend. (save for mommy and a few other family members with their heads buried in the sand.) i hope the best for you!
stay nc for one year and see how you feel.
sincerely
rgc
Dupey
Thank you. I was doing so well or thought I was. At least I closed one more door in having him deleting the posts and written record of our past. I did lose control of myself in falling for his manipulation. Today is a new beginning of NC for me.
Thank you Shane 🙂
Snowwhite,
thank you for your kind words. Don’t be so hard on your self, allow your self for a period of time to feel this way and work thru the emotions. The more you stress over not getting past it, the more stuck you become. It’s a normal reaction, it is okay to feel sad. Make one goal a day, something specific you need to address.
Tomorrow maybe you can write down all your sorrows on a piece of paper, all the things you need to say and then burn it. The next day a nature walk, find one beautiful tree and study its beauty, write some uplifting words on your bathroom mirror with lipstick to remind you what you need to be reminded of (like: I deserve better than a man who is incapable of love and cheats on me. I am strong and I love my self MORE) the day after that put make up on and dress nice-look in the mirror and see how beautiful eyes you got, treat your self with a good meal and a good movie, the day after that address something else. One step at the time.
Remember you are not alone in this, we are right here, standing tall together.
Thanks to all the members of Lovefraud, for all their strenght, good advice and wisdom.
Thank you Donna for making this website and writing books, as well as reading and giving (quick) response to my letter when I needed it the most.
When you are in despair there are always angels who comes forward to help you when you least expect it.
Rgc
I screwed up….6.5 months NC….starting all over again but from a stronger position:))
shane: after almost ten years of constant stalking by a very violent psychopath, and after having survived THAT along with a heart attack
that almost took my life, in the midst; my hair went completely gray; yes…and I could add more to that list.
The past almost 13 years of involvement with this ‘being’
has STOLEN and RAPED and SHAVED probably a good 20
years off of my life.
It’s from an adrenalin overload.
Directly attributed to the ppath that has been infecting my life.
Adrenalin overloads affect our brains the same as other long
standing use of any chemical and/or repeated abuse…
and consistently being subjected to and exposed to that
adrenalin overload. It’s not just the only ‘chemical reaction’ either.
I never realized there was SUCH a mind/body connection either
until I have experienced it for myself.
That is exactly right.
Amazing; isn’t it?
Sometimes it can be reversed, naturally and normally, other times
with the use of medications. Sometimes not at all. I am currently in the medication phase.
I have been a ‘case study’ along the way, here and there, to help
educate and make people aware of what has happened to me.
I hear people, all the time, say: “I am so ashamed that I fell for this. I am so embarrassed I fell for a con who really cared nothing about me.”
I know how difficult it is to stand up and face that much less
admit it. I have nothing but the utmost respect for people who
see their demons and resolve them. From the heart and soul respect.
But, I say: There is no shame upon US for ever loving and caring.
The shame lays and rests with those who don’t consider it a shame
in the first place.
This is MUCH MORE than just an emotional experience…
It is a physical one as well, because of the toll it takes on the body.
There is so much more to learn, shane.
The ugly part is, they know what they are doing.
I am convinced of this….
That makes it all the more diabolical.
When you realize that YES: they know what they do.
THEY ARE AWARE and ARE INTENTIONALLY DOING IT.
I would think that is ‘intent’ in itself.
Dupey
Shane,
Dr. Baron-Cohen is a researcher on autism. He showed that while an autistic may have zero empathy, they don’t try to hurt you, and he labels it Zero+, but with a psychopath they may have little to no empathy, but he labels it Zero NEGATIVE because they will use it to try to hurt you, or enjoy hurting you, where the autistic person isn’t out to “get you”
It is not impossible for a person to have Aspergers AND PSychopathy, they are not mutually exclusive. Aspergers is simply a point on a continuum of levels of empathy.
We all also have the ability to control how much empathy we feel. For example if you had 100% empathy you would never be able to drive by a homeless person without getting out and giving them your wallet and your car keys. So though you may feel some empathy driving by that person you keep on driving.
Empathy is a learned thing as well as an innate emotional response. There is some proof that even infants have some “inborn” empathetic responses at a very early age. Even Chimps show some signs of empathy and other animals do as well.
I suggest that you get and read some of Baron-Cohen’s books, they are very very INTERESTING and have changed and enlarged the way I think about empathy—the amount of it, and the control over it.
A relative of my adopted son D is somewhat Aspergers I think, but her BF is REALLY aspergers, and he can’t keep a job because of it, but he is very smart and makes a living as a poker player. I made the mistake of riding in a car he was driving (just him and me) to an after graduation party for his GF’s sister…and he was SUCH A BAD DRIVER that I was scared shiatless…he almost got us run over by a bus and several other near miss fatal accidents…and when we got to the party he immediately started telling others that I was such a back seat driver I made him so nervous…ya da ya da…out right lies.
So while he didn’t have a great deal of empathy for me, he definitely was willing to lie to cover up his driving. I notice too that when they go anywhere together his GF drives, not him. LOL
Actually, to quote the father of the GF “they are a fit” LOL She is unable to sustain viable relationships, though she is also smart and has advanced degrees, she is only able to work as a stocker at a Wal Mart. This is her first real “boy friend” though she is 34.
The Aspie BF told me his life story and it is pathetic, mentally ill mother, and dysfunctional family, raised by Grandmother, several other sibs farmed out to various relatives…and the sad part is that he’s smart enough that maybe with some early therapy and social support he might have made it much better in this world.
Learning about EMPATHY though helps us to understand both the psychopath better and understand ourselves better and how and why our own empathy was twisted to allow them to continue to abuse us for an extended period of time. Baron-Cohen’s research is GREAT!
This is MY 6th time at NC.
The last one was 9 months long.
But the stalking continued.
I broke it a few times along the way,
much to my dismay (hey, that rhymed)…
So far, today make five months since any
sign of life from me, although “IT” has very
much continued NOT taking NO for an answer….
I am hoping to break a record this time.
It’s not ME not leaving it alone, either.
Can you say: STALKING, boys and girls?
Hang in there you guys – remember who you are
and your value and your worth and you will make
it. You have to believe in yourself. Set boundaries.
MEAN them.
Dupey
Dupey, you are so spot on. The adrenalin- all of it. I am so sorry to hear about your illness. I hope you become better soon.