Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
snowwhite,
I do know you ‘know’ this at an intellectual level. But I think it would help you to know it at an emotional level.
You can be proud of yourself of being able to love truly, but it seems to me that you are in a way holding on to it too. It is very saddening and painful to accept on an emotional level that you loved an illusion and a part of you may fear that painful mourning process. In contrast it can feel good for yourself to hold on to love, because it can make you feel like the better person, a martyr almost. However, that holds you back at the same time.
But love can also be released, like a paper boat on a river. And I do think it’s important that you decide for yourself not to love the illusion anymore. Maybe a burrial ritual (or actual paper boat release if you like that) might help you in this, where you say goodbye to your feelings of love. Sometimes our emotions need an action or an event to integrate another and new emotional reality.
Why can be this done? To love someone does not just happen to us. It is instead a decision we once made, and something we worked at doing. And we can also decide to not love anymore and work at not doing anymore. And though there may be nothing wrong with true love itself, there is little point in loving an illusion, especially when you know that it can work as a trap to someone really harmful.
I burried my illusion in a mental ritual, in my mental arctic. The illusion and the feelings for it are frozen. For me now, I ‘know’ intellectually that I once loved the illusion of the ex spath, but it is impossible for me to remember and feel those feelings for him. And that’s because I made a conscious decision not to anymore.
Hens, you are right. The love for an illusion may be beautiful, but the love for real people is so much more satisfying.
I agree with you, darwinsmom, on people with Asperger’s. They do feel genuine emotions and empathy for others once they are aware of the other person’s feelings. They are fully able to love, relate, feel remorse and guilt, and that isn’t used to describe Aspie’s enough. They are so different from spaths. It bothers me that Dr. Baron-Cohen’s criteria for empathy is strictly used for those with Asperger’s and that they get grouped with psychopaths as not having empathy when they do have the second and more important (imo) component.
Christine, that is NOT what I said about Baron Cohen’s research on empathy. He researched the amount of empathy people had, like on a scale, and while a very autistic person might have “zero” empathy, and a bad psychopath might also have zero empathy, Baron-Cohen makes a distinction between the two, labeling the autistic’s “zero +” and the psychopath’s lack of empathy as “Zero NEGATIVE.”
People with Aspergers, like the rest of us, have varying levels of empathy, just as people who are autistic have varying levels of empathy (usually low levels but some)
I suggest for further information about this remarkable research you read his books, I have reviewed one here on LF.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/08/05/book-review-the-science-of-evil/
Shane, yep, it is a very “sharp” group of cookies here on LF, which is one reason I have stayed for quite a few years. I learn something new every day. Glad you are here.
Oxy, I have read his book, The Science of Evil. I see it over and over again on blogs where people will quote his research that people with autism, including Asperger’s have no empathy and then they group them in with spaths as folks with no empathy. I think it should be explained better than that and darwinsmom explained it better than I did. It goes well beyond them simply not exploiting/not harming others like a psychopath does. It leaves people not understanding that they do feel remorse, guilt, love, affection, and empathy for others like non Aspies and non cluster B’s feel.
I have lurked here on Lovefraud for a long time and it has helped me so much to understand about my own life as a co-dependent and cluster B’s. I should do a brief introduction – Yes, I am one of you and my story involves coming to the sick realization that my husband of 28 years (28 yrs. at the time of the sick realization) has very strong narcissistic traits. Whether he has full-blown NPD has yet to be determined by his therapist lol. Anyway, he had an affair with a female psychopath and that blowing up and the ensuing disclosures and reflections are what made me realize that he had been wearing a mask ever since I’ve known him, and that our marriage was me being vested in a mirage since he wasn’t the person I and most people thought he was. I’m working my way through the trauma and PTSD so to speak and have come a long way, but I’m still not “there” yet.
Just thought I’d chime in on the Asperger’s stuff, since I know a lot about it. 🙂
Sisterseven, she’s wearing more feminine attire, you say? Well, it just may be that she’s shapeshifting to conform to the illusion of her next target. She may not be lesbian, at all, but plays the game to secure source targets in any way that she can.
Good for your NC!!!!
Brightest blessings!!!
Imaginary lover. Dont we all imagine what a good lover would be? fantasize about how wonderful it could be? then some mysterious illusion appears and reads our minds, listen’s to what we want and poof just like magic – they act out the script we described – it was black magic. advice , dont be an open book ~!
snowwhite,
I don’t know if this will help you, but try and think (visualize) the spath as a huge, creepy lizard with a human shell (covering). He walks around, looking for prey. They’re non-human. Also, someone recently told me that St. Paul recommends that we go NO CONTACT with these creatures. One time, the spath told me, “I tell you what you want to hear.” They will do anything to manipulate us (using WHATEVER they have in their bag of tricks), in the end, getting what THEY WANT from us, leading to hell-on-earth (for us). The best advice we can give each other is to keep them out of our lives.
Thank you everyone for the support. I forgot who posted this, I think sunflower, but their goal to control us from afar rings so true. He told me that once he’s in my head hell never be out. In his Celtic posts to me he said, “you don’t choose, you fall”. I assume he’s referring to me staying with my husband and that I fell for him so I can’t choose. Just another tactic to stay in my head…..another reason why they say NC, NC, NC….
I meant to say cryptic message