Do psychopaths know what they are? Do they know that they are different from the rest of us? I believe the answer to both of these questions may be yes. As neuropsychiatry makes progress, science offers various thoughts and opinions on the matter. But while medicine is working hard to unlock the mind’s secrets, we may be able to draw valuable discussion from our own experiences.
Since psychopaths are not a particularly introspective group, I am not suggesting that they possess great insight regarding their pathology. However, I believe they do have some level of awareness. They may realize that they do not experience appropriate emotions and that they live their lives and view their worlds with the emotional mute buttons on.
“I figured it out…I know what you are”
When I realized that I had been touched by psychopathy, it took me quite some time to digest all that revelation brought with it. I knew I was not dealing with “normal,” but what was I dealing with?
Behaviors and solutions that would typically work under normal circumstances set us back when dealing with this population. Adjusting to the concept takes time. While I was still learning, I was still saying too much and also allowing the manipulations to bother me. I was in the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense and working to rectify issues that could never be solved. I tried, but trial and error prevailed and sometimes, I got it wrong. With my understanding too fresh to accurately process what was occurring, I allowed myself to become frustrated and exhausted from the underhanded tactics. On one occasion, when I could no longer take it, I emphatically blurted, “I figured it out…I know what you are.”
I am not sure what I expected might occur when I announced that “I knew,” but I was completely unprepared for what came next. The individual had been walking away from me, but then stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still with his back toward me for a moment. Then, turned and advanced toward me. His eyes met mine and I was on the receiving end of a deliberate, piercing stare. The eyes that could double as daggers were poised to intimidate. Glaring and angry, he replied, “I know you did. I know you know.”
What? The investigator in me wanted to continue the conversation very badly. I wanted to know what he knew about himself. I considered the possibility that he may not have heard me correctly. How did he know what I meant? But he did know. Chills quickly replaced my curiosity. I turned away and left. If he knew what he was, all the wrongs, all the evil were, without question, intentional. Pain, suffering, abuse, unhappiness, and shear destruction had been purposely inflicted with full awareness and for or with some degree pleasure.
Interestingly, I never said the word. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist never crossed my lips. Shortly after this encounter, this individual ramped up the attacks and staunchly advertised his “normality,” while threatening and belittling me. Suddenly, I was “disturbed” and a “PhD,” in an attempt to discredit me and my assertions.
Previously, he merely blamed me for his actions, claiming that the behaviors were the consequences for my “insanity.” But this was different. I uncovered something he never thought I would. First hand, I witnessed the “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality – the smear campaign. Sticks and stones…for now I was armed with understanding.
Gray or color?
What must it be like not to feel genuine emotions or to feel them so completely differently than non-psychopaths? What must it be like to view the surroundings so differently than others? How must it be to know life in black and white, when we see color?
They may have great disdain for us as a result of the warmth in our souls, something they will never know or feel. They want revenge for our existence and throw temper tantrums mirroring those of toddlers if they do not succeed in their destructive and controlling efforts. But even when they do get their ways, they are often insatiable, looking for more. As a result, they can be dangerous to us.
When they claim to feel hurt, pain or other normal emotions we experience, their words may merely mask ulterior motives. They are able to behave ruthlessly without second thoughts, often hiding their agendas behind righteous causes. But the anger, jealousy, and rage that they direct toward us shows through as raw and primal. Knowing they know makes the behaviors easier to understand, but no more acceptable.
They are envious of our genuine connections and abilities to love, even if they laugh at us in their next breaths for being “weak” enough to feel. How would they be able to hold such contempt for us, if they had no awareness of our differences? It must be horrible living half alive. Wait…we already know. It was how we lived before we understood. The beauty is that we can recover.
ox:
Yes I read your post on that woman.
It may sound ridiculous, but now, for each time I play those scenarios over in my head, I can unhook my self, one scenario at a time. Step by step, I peel them all off. I can shift the blame where it belongs. To me he becomes smaller and smaller. What a pathetic person who does such things! I almost feel pity for him (not in a good way), for being so tormented, small and pathetic. No wonder he needed to be with MOI 😉 LOL
It feels so much better now, starting to feel sane again. It wasn’t me, it was him. I’m not the crazy one. No wonder I was confused. Spats should come with a WTF sign painted in red on their forhead. Sometimes I’m convinced that is all they feel themselves as well… They lie and confuse so much that they themselves forget what is what.
Any inputs on the break up?
Kim,
You have a way of taking what I say and turning it inside out and upside down. Leaving me to wonder if I am/was just as evil as he was. i am tired.
Hens, my dear, you are NOT “as evil as he was/is” because YOU have a conscience…that’s a big difference between you and him.
He is a USER a mooch, you are a giver, a caring person. He is a liar, you were looking for love—in “all the wrong places” maybe, but none the less, looking for a relationship. He was incapable of a relationship. Only a relation-shit.
Don’t ever doubt yourself again, Hens, or I will BOINK you on the head again with my cyber cast iron skillet! 🙂
(((hugs)))
so sorry, hens.. not what i meant…i have been doing some soul searchimg…about myself…he is a narcissist…not
me. not you. im on my phone at work. will explain
Ox, thanks for the boink.. I usually agree with Kim, she and I have a lot in common.
I am about to change jobs, I am realizing now how much drama ( other peoples drama ) I have been involved with the past umpteem years..being a self employed ass kisser has taken it’s tole..I am looking forward to a new job, new faces, new things…..I am feeling very optomistic about this change but am stresed to the max helping all my clients make their transitions into their new life..for the first time in years I have had to tell my current employer’s NO ~! I cant do that.. I feel quilty that I cant be ten places at once.
Kim you dont need to explain anything to me , I still love ya…:)
Hens, I am so glad that you are moving on to some more stable income and employment than “ass kissing” your current employers.
There will be I am sure some “ass kissing’ in your new job as well, there ALWAYS is in one form or another, but I am sure you can handle it and the benefits from the new job, insurance and all that, will more than cover the difference.
Being a “personal assistant” to these people and doing their yard work, repair work, driving Miss Daisy, and all that can get on your nerves I know. Especially with all the drama from the BF of your one client. LOL Well, you will be out of the picture now, so the BF doesn’t have to be jealous of you. LOL
In case you don’t know it, Bro, I am so proud of you and proud FOR you that you have come so far since you first signed up for LF. We both have! TOWANDA for us!!!!
Hens, that sounds like quite a positive adventure you’re entering into! I wish you a lot of success!
I did something today, that I have never done so far on the job: take initiative to deal with an issue. I’ve been totally used to it at my tourleading job, and in free social settings. But on my official main job I always used to keep myself lowprofile when it came to initiatives (though I’d support and help out). I was made an assistant mentor teacher to one of the classes I’m teaching, and today I noticed these pupils were showing behaviour as if they thought they could afford certain undesirable behaviours, as a group in a negative way. They hadn’t shown that behaviour in the past weeks before now. Then I learned a teacher who doesn’t teach them saw them behave badly in the hallway yesterday afternoon. I had also read a comment by a new, younger teacher of one of the pupils having flung her school diary towards her when she wanted to give her a note. So, I started to inquire with other teachers what they had noticed this week in their classes, and then told them I thought of setting up a special meeting next week about this class so that all the teachers can agree on how to deal with the lagging, the chewing gums, the talking, etc… and we all keep them on a very short leash starting next week, so they learn they don’t have special rights or license to be destructive. So, I wrote an email about it to all the colleagues and the principal and invited them on this meeting as well as asked a colleague of mine whether we could do it in his classroom.
I did talk to the other “mentor” colleague of this class, but regard myself as equal mentor and as much responsible about it than she is. The colleague of the classroom mentioned my suggestion to the principal while I was writing the email. I thanked him for that. He then offered to write the mail for me, but I told him I was already on it (as mentor of that class and it being my proposal I felt I had to execute the initiative). I even intend to lead the meeting. After that I went to the principal myself and informed her of the date of the meeting.
While it’s nothing new for me to lead and take initiative, and I’m a natural at it, until now I have never done it during my work at an office, nor as a teacher. And it just hit me this has been a major development for me in my main profession. Especially, because I did it without reserve or question or insecurity, and in my most natural way: because I felt it was necessary and I was in a responsible position to gather everyone around. I wouldn’t ever have done it though, if I wasn’t basically feeling myself and good about myself.
And I’ve noticed how other teachers are jumping on it and eagerly saying they are sure to come as enthusiastic as I made them about it. Not only does that imply that I picked up on a problem everyone must have been having, but also that I have my inspiring nature back. One of my talents has always been the ability to get people fired up with enthusiasm by my own enthusiasm. That’s why I was good at adventure tourleading. And that inspiring enthusiasm is back.
It seems such a small thing, but in retrospect it’s a huge difference. And I think it’s thanks to optimalizing boundaries and getting my head straight the past year.
Ok, I can’t figure out how to quote another poster and then respond to them. I tried copying and pasting what they said, but it deletes that text when it posts.
Oxy, about your feeling a lack of empathy to your psycho RV guest – do you think you would have felt the same lack of empathy for her if you hadn’t been as far along in your recovery as you were? I’m curious, too, whether that’s how a psychopath/spath feels towards others.
I find myself feeling less and less empathetic to those who are being manipulative and malicious the further I get in my healing. At least it seems to be directly correlated to getting further along in my healing, but maybe it’s due to something else that I’m not recognizing yet. I was a co-dependent (probably still am to a degree) and way too empathetic to nearly everyone and that made me an easy target. It’s been such a foreign feeling to me to find myself feeling no empathy now to certain people and I know what you mean about it being a little scary. It seems like a healthy response to them now when I know they are being malicious, but it’s a bit unnerving to feel zero empathy towards a person.
Christine.
My x spath brought me to my lowest low. But trying to educate myself and understand what motivates people like that also gave me some insight into my own issues. The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. I think your lack of empathy is just you setting boundaries..And maybe your still pissed off, that will pass in time.
kim frederick says:
“Of course, if I’m honest, I have to admit that my love for him was also imaginary. I loved the man who I thought he was. I did not love him”..I didn’t even know him. I loved his shell”what he presented to me as ideal.
Just something to ponder.”
Wow, there seems to always be things on this blog that are timely for something I’m struggling with. Kim, I realized recently that I did not love him and loved the illusion he presented instead, since he wore a mask ever since I met him. I thought I had this profound, once in a lifetime love with a wonderful man for over 30 years (not all of that married years). It’s been very rough and sad to come to the realization that what I loved never existed in the first place. So, I’ve never really experienced that love I thought I experienced. I even said that to him – “I guess I never really loved you since I was in love with an illusion instead of the real you.” He seemed genuinely wounded by my telling him that, but then later I realized that his being wounded probably was due to him realizing that he didn’t have the control and manipulation of my love for him like he thought he did all those years lol.