Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Oh my, Skylar. How terrible for that family.
I did manage to retrieve my plant when I unexpectely stopped by when his new girlfriend was there. He couldn’t risk taking off the mask! He did follow me out and told me he was taking out a restraining order on me. I laughed. Nothing happened. Now that lily and the one from my mother’s funeral are in close proximity to each other in this home they lived in together for over 50 years. Balance has been restored.
Letting go is one of the most difficult things we must do as a parent. When I’ve overstepped my bounds with my son and I see it by his reaction, I tell him this and then ask him to just humor me. So far it’s kept things from getting blown out of proportion.
Elizabeth:
My advice in regards to shared parenting with a spath is to NOT. Go about YOUR parenting the way you do.
Set the examples you want your children to know in the world, model those behaviors.
Never speak ill of their father…..bite your tongue.
Your son is at the tough age where he is exhibiting control….you are smart not to fight it.
Kids have an inate need to ‘know’ their parents…..good, bad or evil.
All kids MUST discover the toxicity on their own…..and this is what you need to step back an allow…..regardless of how painful it is to you, his mother. You already know the toxicity, he hasn’t experienced it like you…..but he will when he’s left to ‘bond’ with daddy-0. He will see…..in time. You must let go of your thoughts that you can control how much pain Jr goes through…..we learn through pain and hard lessons……kids are no different.
It IS painful……i’ts hurtful, feels like a betrayal and weighs on your heart! I get that! My ex spath kidnapped my kids around your sons age……it lasted 3.5 months. And my eldest Jr ‘got it’…..loud and clear.
They want to manipulate at that age, and test their skills…..he is manipulating his father also…..Dad is proly playing disney dad to attract him……
NOW….heres the clincher…..
KIDS WILL DISCOVER WHAT THEIR FATHER IS…..in time.
THEY ALL DO!
We as parents think that we can protect them from the evil we know in dad…..we can’t. If we stand up and keep our dignity and our morals and beliefs……and carry on with our lives, letting the Jr’s go gracefully and with love…..parenting the same as we always have when jr’s come back into our home….the kids will figure this all out on their own.
If we speak poorly of spath dad…..they will resent us forever! If the kids join our ‘crusade’, they will hate us for it later…..and be drawn to spath dad…..
It’s hard to do…..but bite your tongue.
Continue to be there for your son……even if he plays you against spath dad…..set your boundaries and stick to them. Tell him when he’s rude……we don’t tolerate that in our home….(but you can’t speak like that either!) When he tries to manipulate you……tell him you won’t accept that behavior.
Keep calm at all times…..and firm. No, he won’t like it…..but you don’t want to alienate him and prove to him that ‘his father is right’……
Yes, your being portrayed as crazy and a terrible mother….and if you lived with me, life would be grand, i’ll show you! Jr is looking for that right now……and trying to confirms dads statements to him.
continue to be loving to jr……continue to be in touch.
Don’t bend for your kids if visitataion doesnt’ work in your schedule.
Be supportive in sports or activities he’s in and show up and root him on….
Show him your there and you’ll love him regardless.
Just take the anxst out of your relationship. The frustration comes from trying to be the perfect mom, making everyone happy and trying to avoid the wrath of spath.
Take it all out of the equation……you ARE a good mother. You can’t control what spath does.
You’ve let your son go…..I believe that was the right thing to do…..Jr needed to go…..for now. He WILL be back. It’s your job to NOT allow the revolving door syndrom to occur….Dads house, moms, dads, moms…..heading to whomever is buying his devotion. NOT a good lesson…..don’t fall for it and don’t play that game either. You will earn Jrs respect and trust for the LONG HAUL…….He may hate you today……but today is just today…..your in it for the long haul mother son relationship…..Don’t take it personal…(and I know how hard that is too!!!)
Not falling for it encompasses…..hurt and pain. But the lessons you will be teaching Jr will be invaluable.
Don’t feel abandoned by Jr…….just keep showing him love….WITH BOUNDARIES!
Develope severe patience and self control…..because these two assets will take you to eternity with this situation.
Nothing is permanent…..view ‘today’ as just ‘today’…..tomorrow will be a whole different story.
Good luck…..I feel for you!!!!
I hope it’s okay to interject a bit of happy news here. Since the day I’ve reconnected with my neighbor, the rock star dude, he’s been writing me every day to meet him at the gym. It’s as if no time has gone by at all since we became estranged. I don’t know what to make of it, so I’m just taking things one day at a time. I will not play any more games with him like I did last year. I’m also not sure if I’m as attracted to him as I was before. We’re supposed to have lunch on Sunday. I’ll report back how it goes. I will not tolerate an ambiguous relationship for long, though, like I did last year. If I develop feelings for him, I will tell him. I’m going a be a straight shooter this time all the way.
Erin, New, Ox and Skylar~
Thank you all soooo much! Last night was pretty dark – I hate those nights. But, waking up this morning to these encouraging posts was just what I needed. Thank you for reminding me not to fight my ‘spath. Thank you for letting me know it is OK to let go. I am so tired of holding on and I feel so guilty for wanting to let go. I am at the point where that is what I have to do for my mental stability. No, it is not easy…it is the most difficult thing I can do.
I have started writing a “book” to my children and I have included some of your comments in it. They are going to need this support someday as well.
Elizabeth, I am so glad you awoke feeling stronger today! The dark days are scary, it’s like hanging onto the edge of a cliff and looking into the abyss. With renewed strength we find a path that doesn’t go anywhere near the cliff. One day at a time.
Be well and stay strong.
~New
Elizabeth…there is an encouraging post by Zoey under ‘When clergy are abusers’ that details what she walked through having to give over her son to her Ex and how it turned around 7 years later. She has her son, and her son’s heart now but was not easy….. I too have a 17 year old son that wants to go live with Dad. I keep trying to be the loving example in his life as long as I can.
Oxy: Yikes! now I am scared as I have no fight in me for anything else serious. I have no medical insurance right now, but will go as soon as I can….. it has been for years and at first I thought it was menopause….but it has only increased. It started at the same time as all the trauma of the Spath,and I just correlated it with that. I will try and go soon. thank you……
New Beginning,
I’m glad you got your plant back. The way you got it back is an excellent example of defense against the spath: make sure there are always witnesses.
Of course you have to be certain that you aren’t being set up with his minions as witnesses and that YOU don’t lose your cool. I really like that you showed up unannounced. My exP also hated it the day I showed up unannounced and he smelled and looked homeless. He was soooo into keeping up appearances around me. pathetic.
I’ve come to the conclusion that what he hated most about me – before he even met me – was all the attention I got just being me. In his eyes, I was effortlessly popular, while the only way he could get people to love him was to wear a mask. I’m sure this seemed horribly unfair to him. Never mind that I worked hard at grooming myself, dressing well and being presentable too. In addition to all that, he could see that being nice was my nature and I didn’t have to fake it as part of a mask.
I deduced this from what he said 25 years later, “love should be unconditional”. I think he meant that he resented making such an effort to reel me in. His feeling is that he is entitled to my adoration, like an infant is, without any effort on his part. We should all ignore his stinky diaper and chronic rages because he is so lovable. His envy toward me derived from the fact that he perceived me as more lovable than him. Just like Lucifer.
Skylar, interesting that your ex mentioned “unconditional love”….mine said the same thing! Envy plays a major role in spaths attaching themselves to us. Like you’ve said before, they want to be us. When they realize they cannot become who we are just by being around us, the rage starts to kick in. It’s all so clear now after living in THE FOG for decades.
Regarding the plant, I knew it had to be done by surprise. He still has many items of mine but he can keep them. Just wanted my Dad’s peace lily to be with my Mom’s. I know, it sounds a bit childish but it makes me feel better…..and interestingly enough BOTH lilies were always drooping until they were put in close proximity to each other. Perhaps the positive energy of having them both in my possession impacted the energy fields of the plants as well. Whatever the reason, I feel comfort now. Peace is a wonderful thing.
New B,
I’m not surprised that your exP said the same thing. I’ve read other LF bloggers state that their spaths demanded unconditional love. They are all exactly the SAME! It boggles the mind that so many people could have exactly the same cognitive deficits. Even schizophrenics have more variety in the presentation of their mental illness. I mean, they all hear voices, but they don’t all hear the EXACT SAME THING BEING SAID! But spaths do!
I’m so happy for you, that you feel peace. Plants themselves have “feelings” so they could very well be sensing the serenity in you.