Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Aussiegirl – So we are in a better/safer place. And thats good enuff for me too….
This is imo what healing looks like… 10 am in the morning in the supermarket buying the necessities for the next 2 days, hearing “play that funky music” from Wild Cherry over the speakers and being totally UNABLE to stand still. I was disco dancing in the aisle and boogying my way back to the cashier. One of the few customers there who noticed was giggling over it. I just smiled and winked at her, but continued to boogie my way over to the cashier anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe1ScoePqVA&feature=share
It’s been years ago that I did something so obviously “off”, but oh my, it just felt good to find my funk again.
darwinsmom –
Atta girl! Go get ’em tiger! Made me smile just to imagine you doing that thing…. 🙂
That’s kinda why I wrote it 😉 You’ll find your funk too one day again too aussiegirl. Heck, it’s not even been a year… but everyday gets better and better, and I’m doing well internally for several months now.
Healing and forgiveness are a long way off still for me.
I challenged my ex before the holidays, and realised that he was not the man I thought I loved despite or maybe because of his pleas and begging for forgiveness. I have since discovered that my decision was correct because with hardly time to dry his tears, he was back with his ex. They have been seen out walking hand-in-hand despite his protestations that it was over. Even when I encountered him by accident last week he was still begging me to take him back, not wanting to believe that I had moved on. It is a grim realisation that what I miss most about him is the sex!
I have had time to reflect on his arguments and realised that everything focussed on him and his wants or what he didn’t want, nothing about my needs or desires. I came back to this site because it reminded me of the previous blog ‘it was all about him’. At the time I thought that wasn’t relevant to me, that he cared more about me, but in the peace and space without him, I see that the last few years all revolved around him.
I now have to rebuild my life and family and relationships. I still care deeply possibly still love him in a peverse way, but know it is not to be, i have to accept the reality. Healing seems a long way off, but posts like this are reassuring that things will change
It continues to be my opinion that our paths to healing and our definitions of forgiveness are as individual as we are.
Henry, I like the quote you posted about forgiveness as I believe that is the point I’ve reached. I have given up hope that the past could be any different than it was. It just is.
In my mind’s eye, forgiveness is not absolution. My ex isn’t “off the hook” with me. I don’t want to see him, I no longer hold affection for him (took me a long time to get past that one) and I wouldn’t have any type of relationship with him even if we were the last two surviving humans on the planet.
My ex married me because he thought it was the path to being part of a loving family. In his mind he just needed to place himself with the loving, positive people. He would later learn that didn’t make him feel loved because he was incapable of bonding……and therein lies my compassion for him. I pray for his soul.
~New
Post Script: In thinking about this I realized that I’ve experienced something that was beneficial for me and something he would have been a part of if we were still together. Perhaps I feel compassion because in a way (not through my doing, just how things unfolded) there has been a bit of retribution? Yes…..am definitely thinking this is a factor in my perception.
I don’t know how to tell this without writing a novel ”“ but I will try. My husband “Jack” of 22 years is the greatest husband in the world. In 2008 he was laid off from his job where he had worked for 21 years (22,000 were laid off total at his company). A six figure salary vanished. Like many Americans, we have had to spend all of our saving and retirement monies. We are barely surviving. Since that time he has sent out over 3,500 resumes and applications looking for work. Despite the fact that he has 2 Masters degrees and a stellar work history — he has had only one response (a minimum wage job that he accepted). For the last 4 years he has (simultaneously) worked 3, minimum wage, jobs ”“ including a newspaper delivery job; he wakes up at 3:30am 365 days per year to deliver 202 newspapers over a 57 mile route. He then moves on to job number 2 and job number 3. Working over 100, total, hours per week since 2008, he has managed to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs and while he is frustrated and exhausted, he never complains. On top of this, he also finds time to volunteer at our church with special needs kids too. I do what I can, but with 5 kids (including one child that is mentally retarded ”“ our youngest) I must remain in the home. So, why am I writing? It is because of his (twin) sister, “Marilyn” and her behavior toward her brother, Jack. Though we live 1500 miles away, my husband has always been very close to his sister and they speak on the phone once per week. I also love my sister in law and I have been good friends with her since college. Our oldest children are only 2 months apart in age. In fact, she introduced me to her brother. So, until he lost his job, we were all extremely close. Then things began to change ”“ for the worse.
For the record, his sister married a man who is one of the best paid executives in the US. “Steve’s” salary is $200,000 per month and he receives an annual bonus of approximately $500,000 every February. They have multiple homes, vacation around the world and, generally, live the “good life.” They want for nothing and have never experienced unemployment or deprivation. In fact, “Steve” comes from a very wealthy family and his parent’s mansion is in the same neighborhood (overlooking San Francisco Bay) in which they reside. I think you get the picture.
The trouble is that his sister has been rude, cruel and mean to him ever since his job was lost and we have experienced financial difficulties. I have asked that he stop calling and communicating with her because he becomes very depressed and hurt at the things his sister says to him during these conversations. For example, when he lost his job and explained that he was having zero luck in obtaining an interview, Marilyn responded: “I don’t think you are trying hard enough.” ”“or- “Anybody that really wants to work can find work.” ”“or- “I do not believe that you sent out over 3500 resumes and only had one response!” She is, in effect, calling her brother a liar! I know for a fact that he has applied at over 3500 companies as I assist him in keeping track of the applications and I keep the spreadsheet that tracks his applications.
Or, when he informed his sister that our oldest child, recently, had to drop out of college his senior year to move home and help support our family, she replied: “I just took “Judy” to Montreal where we spent $15,000 on 10 outfits with a personal shopper so she can look good when she interviews after graduating from college in one month. Montreal always has more cutting edge fashions.” Not only does she reply with hurtful comments, she never inquires about our children, nor does she express empathy or sympathy at the fact that our child had to quit college to help the family. BTW, when Judy graduated college, she was hired by the same company that employs her Dad. They gave her a $100,000 starting salary and a $25,000 “moving bonus” to move to Chicago where her job will be located. While we are happy for any of our nieces and nephews that do well, this news hit my husband like a ton of bricks. He felt as if he was punched in the stomach. After 4 years of looking for a job with the greatest credentials in the world and two Masters degrees, he was dumbfounded that his niece (20 years old with a degree in “Fashion Merchandising”) got a job like she did. His sister called to crow: “Judy got a job in 2 weeks. I told you just have to work harder at it!” She chooses to ignore the fact that her husband got the job for Judy. “Sure, Steve got her in the door ”“ but Judy sold herself.” While we love our niece, she could not sell ice cream in the desert.
When Marilyn telephoned last week, and asked my husband (her brother): “How are you?” He replied: “Not too good. We are trying to come up with $60 to pay the phone bill so that it won’t get shut off.” His sister replied: “Well, if you find the money to keep your phone alive, call me back. But wait at least 3 hours as I am about to get my manicure, pedicure and weekly massage. If your phone has not been turned off, feel free to call me.”
When informed that we were going to get our Thanksgiving dinner from a food pantry this past year, his sister replied: “Steve and I have chartered two buses and we are taking 60 members of the National Guard to the Country Club for Thanksgiving and all the fixings. It costs us $15,000 but hey, it is a charitable write off.” Marilyn and Steve do make big, public, displays of charity — but have no room in their hearts for us. She then followed up with, “Judy and Samantha don’t know it yet, but the entire family is going Paris for 10 days to spend Christmas there.” And they did. Yesterday, my husband listened patiently for 30 minutes while she regaled him with stories about the restaurants and shopping in Paris.
In 2009, 1 year after his layoff (and having lost all of our health benefits), our child had a severe choking episode that required we take him to Mayo clinic for 10 days. My husband turned to his sister for help and her husband, graciously, lent us $5000 to help pay for the medical care and trip to Mayo clinic. She has spent the last 3.5 years telling any and all relatives about this “loan” and how, “we have yet to pay it back.” She acts like a martyr and repeats this over and over to anyone that will listen to her. This is particularly galling to me and my husband in light of the fact that we gave her $15,000 twenty one years ago when she was in financial distress — and we never asked for the money back. BTW, she is not a tea party nut case. She is a liberal democrat; one would think she had more empathy?
When she recently called to ask for some tax advice from her brother (my husband), he mentioned that “his adjusted gross income for 2011 was only $14,700 ”“ the lowest amount of money he has ever earned.” She replied, “Steve is supposed to receive a $750,000 bonus in February, 2012.”
When she called recently (and I answered the phone) and asked me, “how are you doing?” I replied, “Our heat might get shut off tonight and it is supposed to be cold.” She replied, “Well we are leaving for a private island in the Caribbean tomorrow, try to stay warm when we are gone.” I could give hundreds of more examples but I think you get the picture. I have told my husband to quit answering his sister’s calls. The effects on him are devastating. Extreme depression sets in and he cries. I realize that he loves his sister and that they have been close for their 47 years on this planet, but how much pain and abuse is one expected to take from a sibling (or anyone for that matter)?
Am I correct in asking my husband to stop contact with his sister? BTW, when I attempted to discuss this with her, she replied: “I don’t believe anything I said was hurtful to Jack. I know my brother, if he had a problem with what I was saying he would tell me.” So, she is in denial about her very actions.
Should contact be cut off from his sister? Our lives have been devastated by this economy. Our marriage is under a huge amount of strain. I think that he should eliminate this extra, hassle, from his life. He tends to agree and will abide by whatever your decision is.
Confused & hurt in NYC.
Dear Brazil,
Welcome to Love Fraud….sorry about all your troubles, but sounds like you and your husband are doing the best you can under the circumstances.
As for his sister…that woman is a total biatch! To show NO concern for your situation when she is in such a well off financial situation and you and your husband are STRUGGLING I see her as UN-caring, rude and cruel hearted. That doesn’t mean she is a psychopath, but it does mean that she is TOXIC to your husband.
However, the relationship is between him and her, not you and her, so you can cut off your relationship with her for whatever reason that you want to, but your husband has to come to his own conclusions about contact with her.
You might point out to him that she is flaunting her “high living” situation, not showing any compassion for his situation (much less HELPING HIM) and that he is depressed after talking to her, but I think HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IS HIS DECISION TO MAKE and after pointing this out by you, then you must respect HIS DECISION on HIS RELATIONSHIP with his sister.
As for them being “close” before he got laid off, I don’t think anyone could TRULY be “close” to this woman, I think she is a very superficial biatch and may be personality disordered it is just that with the evidence you have given us she is only superficial. But I sure wouldn’t want her in my life.
The way I am, I would sell plasma until I could pay her back the $5,000 and then I’d never have contact again. LOL
Good luck and I do understand how you’d like him to stop contacting her or letting her contact him, but Ultimately HE has to make the decision, you can’t dictate it. I hope he does make that decision though, and God bless him for working so hard to help support your family. It is tough for many of us with the depression on.
Brighteyes and New Beginning,
Healing may seem “a long way off” at times and other times you may feel you are “there.” That is okay….and yes, forgiveness does NOT grant absolution at all. That is one thing I think that we must HOLD ON TO.
You’re both on your way toward the healing path, and just remember that the healing is a JOURNEY not a destination. We must continue on that JOURNEY the rest of our lives. Keep on LEARNING!
brazilb69 –
Nobody here will make any decisions for you or for your husband; it’s not our business to do so and while much good advice is offered on this site, it is up to individuals to determine what is helpful in their own particular case.
I would suggest that you do some reading on toxic personalities before you make any major changes at all. There are many topics archived alphabetically (see the bottom left hand corner of the page) that might be helpful in your circumstance.
I hope you find some wisdom here that will comfort you.