Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
I would challenge those who say that “forgiveness” makes them weak. I don’t think true forgiveness ever makes a person weak. Rather the opposite, harboring resentment and anger takes its toll on a person and make them spiritually and physically weak.
It is not forgiveness that causes a person to make bad choices. It is poor judgment. You can forgive someone but choose to have nothing to do with them because you don’t want people like that in your life – you want better for yourself. Why is it that if you forgive someone, you necessarily have to invite them into your life?
Forgiving a person sets you free emotionally so you are not held hostage by your own resentment. Resentment is a self-imposed prison. We get to be “right” and the other person is “wrong”. But we don’t get to be truly happy and released from the person. It is a way of staying emotionally attached to the person. We can talk about how horrible they are and what they did to us and how they ruined our lives. But if we stay stuck with this view of our lives, we will be the ones ruining our own lives. Once they are out of our lives, it is really up to us to decide how much mental energy to give them. So to me, I look at forgiveness as what is left when you let go of resentment. You can feel indifference or compassion. Or you might even feel gratitude for the lesson that person taught you as they passed through your life. Why on earth would you EVER want to feel gratitude toward a spath? Or a malignant narcissist? Because it contributes toward YOUR peace and happiness to feel gratitude. I has nothing to do with the other person. It speaks to YOUR character and how YOU deal with your life issues.
Stargazer, Oxy explains it well.
I’ll never get it across my lips that I’ll forgive my ex-spath. But I don’t feel resentment anymore either. Instead I do feel a gratefulness regarding several past events, incuding him… because I doubt I would have started on the life changes otherwise. And I have forgiven myself.
But as Oxy said, “forgiving” has a different meaning to different people. What I internally feel when I forgive someone else, I know I’ll never feel for my ex-spath. But that doesn’t mean I’m resentful, or not truly happy.
I guess I am still away from forgiveness stage for spath. It will take time for me. I have started seeing the benefit for not having this person in my life anymore. I do see now when people say when go through difficult time, you come out stronger and your path changes completely. I see that as well. I am doing things now which I would have never imagined doing with spath’s presense, even when we were not living together. He took ownership on all my waking hours, not time left for creativity.
So I guess more success I get in achieving my life in positiveness, less resentment I will feel the hurt he caused me.
It is a process in action. Yes I may get to a point I will not care about his past actions, becasue I will be stading at a different hight in my life, and he may be too small to even notice.
Stargazer, I am going to quote a part of your above post that I think sums it up totally for ME (maybe not others)
“It is not forgiveness that causes a person to make bad choices. It is poor judgment. You can forgive someone but choose to have nothing to do with them because you don’t want people like that in your life ”“ you want better for yourself. Why is it that if you forgive someone, you necessarily have to invite them into your life?
Forgiving a person sets you free emotionally so you are not held hostage by your own resentment. Resentment is a self-imposed prison.”
I kreally like that last sentence RESENTMENT IS A SELF-IMPOSED PRISON.
The Bible tells us to “pray for those that persecute you”—and it is HARD to do such a thing. In fact, I would write out prayers for my egg donor and read them aloud and I DID NOT MEAN ONE WORD OF IT. I DID NOT WANT GOD TO BLESS HER, I HATED HER,. but as time went on my heart began to soften as I did start to forgive her…want a relationship? NO!!! TRUST HER? Again a BIG NO, but my resentment started to lessen and I started to FEEL MORE PEACE. Our praying for them, forgiving them, is NOT ABOUT THEM, it is about US and releasing ourselves from the bitterness and resentment that POISONS OUR SOULS.
That’s what took me so long to start to feel peace was the RESENTMENT I held for so many situations and so many people, but letting go of the resentment has freed me from that bitterness. Freed me from even thinking about these people any more. They are not part of my PRESENT. Thank you God!~
For someone who has trouble with boundaries, it is resentment that keeps me safe. Maybe once I learn how to set firm boundaries, AND feel safe, forgiveness will be a piece of cake.
Furthermore, when I have confronted my parents about what they did, they added insult to injury by lying about it. Blatantly.
I asked them 3 times why they didn’t tell me that they overheard spath say he was after my money. 1st answer, “you wouldn’t have believed us.”
A few weeks later, I asked again. 2nd answer, “of course we told you, we told you many times.”
So which is it? They didn’t tell me, because I wouldn’t have believed them? or they did and I don’t remember it?
Last time I asked, a year later, my dad replied, “Well how much money did you give your mother?” (from my insurance settlement) My mother laughed, “Oh about $500!”
WTF? what does that have to do with anything?
As it turns out, I didn’t get the settlement until almost 2 years after they over heard spath. So it wasn’t really about money, either. It was about control and envy.
So Star, I submit to you that forgiveness was made easier for you by your stepfather because he didn’t respond or you don’t recall his response when you confronted him. If he had gas lighted and laughed at you, it might have felt differently.
I had almost forgiven spath too. Until recently. He began stalking me again. That means he has further plans for my demise. It’s hard to forgive when they keep trying to destroy you.
Sky,
A few years ago I realized I’d forgiven my stepfather but not my mother. I continued to be resentful toward her because she violated the terms of our agreement when she “apologized” to me, and that was that she would allow me to open up to her about all of my resentments whenever I needed to, for my own healing. So because she wouldn’t listen, I kept my resentments locked up inside. I knew it was a catch 22, but I didn’t know how to get past it. I felt that if I couldn’t express myself to her, I could never get past it. Of course, this put the responsibility for my healing in her court. And we all know how reliable SHE is.
That day, I prayed to have my resentment removed. I asked God what do I have to do to release it? What would it take? The answer I got was that I had to have one more clear communication with my mother telling her how I feel, why I’m angry, and what I need from her to heal our relationship. And I had to be UNATTACHED to the outcome. I wasn’t sending the letter for her – it was for me. In doing this, I had to face my fear of her rejection, dismissal, and disapproval yet one more time. It is the reason I’d avoided doing it for so long.
I sent her that communication in the form of an email. In it, I listed every last thing I was upset about and how it has hurt me over the years and what kind of amends I needed from her.
As expected, she got defensive and told me she was sick of my “hate mail.” But you know what? When I said what I needed to say, I was released. I no longer hated her. We had a few friendly communications in the years that followed, and I felt love in my heart for her. But I found that I really did not want to be very “chummy” with her due to her denial. So I just distanced myself. I did it caringly and lovingly, but I did it just the same. I feel good now about my ability to keep my cool if she ever calls me again. About a year ago, she emailed me and told me she’d had a heart attack. I replied, “I’m so sorry to hear, and I hope you take care of yourself.” Then she emailed me saying she and her bf wanted to pay my way to come visit them. My reply was, “Thanks for your generous offer, but unfortunately, I’m not in a position to travel right now.” That was our last communication, and it was friendly.
I totally understand what you mean about needing to set healthy boundaries if you forgive. But here’s something for you to just consider: If you release the resentment that is protecting your heart, you can have faith in your ability to take care of yourself, even if you are rusty or don’t know how. Somewhere inside of you is a wise woman who knows how to set healthy boundaries. You may need to write your mom a letter like I did in order to get the anger out of your heart. I don’t know what it will take for you. But I think if you even start thinking about it and contemplating it, you might possibly feel something lift.
I think the question we all need to ask ourselves is, “Do we want to by happy?” Making ourselves happy sometimes means doing something very difficult, like forgiving the enemy. If we’re not ready, at least we can acknowledge that we’re not ready and figure out what we need to do first. This makes healing a proactive process. It puts the ball back in OUR court. We are all SO powerful if only we would realize it.
Sky, I wanted to add that the communication you have with your parents doesn’t have to be in reality. You can meditate and get in touch with their spirit and have the conversation with them in spirit. I do believe you can talk with someone’s spiritual self, whether the person is living or dead, and on some level, they will hear you. Remember, the conversation is not for the purpose of having them behave a certain way. It’s just to get the anger out of your system, and get to the love that is underneath it. In my mother’s case, I thought there was a small chance that she might listen. I was wrong. So I now have no desire to ever have this talk with her again.
Star,
I had the conversation. It’s the one I posted above. They will never admit to their faulty behavior although they are keenly aware of it.
They CHOOSE to behave the way they do because of the emptiness in their souls. It makes them obsess over control.
So perceived in that way, I do forgive them. But I make sure to keep a bit of resentment tucked away in case I feel a weak boundary coming on. Because they do attack again and again. Their anger comes from my rebellion against their control when I was 15. And now it is compounded because I’ve seen them for what they are and it angers them.
Sky, it doesn’t matter what they do with your communication because the communication shouldn’t be for them – it is for YOU! It should release you from them once and for all, so they can just be the people who raised you, some people that you used to know. If you are still angry at them, you are still not free. They are lowlifes, and you are better than that. Why should you allow them to dampen your happiness though resentment?
But Star, how does communicating with a brick wall do any good?
How does it do me any good? I know what they’ve done.