Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Sky, my friend, I don’t know what will work for you. For me it was that last communication. I did this when all other techniques failed, and I kept hanging onto resentment. For others, it is just accepting that their parents (spath, etc.) are what they and not taking it personally. And for others, they can just release the anger energetically out of their body with breathing techniques or trauma therapy or just hitting pillows and screaming. I don’t know what your path is. You may not be ready to forgive some of the people who betrayed you so badly because you may not have processed enough of the pain. This is a valid place to be, too. (((hugs)))
There are still a few people I have not forgiven either.
I’ve just been listening to this conversation, Star and Sky, and I want to say to you both that I am very pleased at how well you have both expressed your feelings…and Star I totally agree with you on the things you have talked about…getting rid of the resentment freeing us.
Sky, I don’t think the resentment is necessary to protect yourself, I think you can protect yourself without it! Really I do! You are learning to set boundaries…I’ve seen them!
Thanks, Oxy. I care so much for you guys, even though I have never met you. I often sit here blogging with tears in my eyes. We’ll all get there. I know we will.
Now I’m going to change the subject. Do you guys remember the rock star neighbor that I was so obsessed with for such a long time? I have been meaning to talk to him but somehow NEVER run into him, even though he lives a stone throw away. Well, I was just thinking about him while driving to the gym last night. And guess whose car was at the gym? So I got on the stairmaster and I waited. I waited and waited and waited until I’d burned 300 calories and was about to die. He FINALLY walked by. He did not look up and did not see me. So I called out to him. He turned around and stopped to talk. We had a very friendly neighborly chat about how we’re both losing weight, the sale of my condo, and so on. It was just very nice. Then he said, “See you soon” and left. This was ALMOST closure for me – almost. But I decided to take one more step. I sent him an email asking him to lunch. I told him that he had done a lot of nice things for me last year when I was having such a hard time and that I wanted to say thank you. It’s true – he was very good to me – he even got up at 7am to take me to a doctor appointment when it was 11 below and my car was broken. This is quite a feat for a rock star who is usually up till 4am.
I sent him the email and then just released the outcome, just like I did that time with my mom. I was very proud of myself for facing my fear, and whatever happens happens. To my surprise, he wrote me back and asked when I want to hang out. He also said he’s sad I’m leaving but wished me well. Very friendly, like it used to be.
So I FINALLY FINALLY faced my fear of him. FINALLY. And you know what? It was very anticlimactic. I don’t really even feel the desire to date him anymore. I just want to restore the casual neighborly friendship we had before we mistakenly slept together. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to have this off my plate. I had not spoken to him in over a year. But we park our cars next to each other and so on. It’s been kind of weird.
And thanks to Murphy’s law, I looked like total crap at the gym last night. Had I known, I would have at least put an attractive workout outfit on and some clean socks. LOL
Star I think you lessoned some tension with this guy, I hate to have bad vibes with a neighbor. Fortunately the old hag and her pissed off husband across the road sold out and moved almost a year ago. I could just never be friendly with her after becoming aware of her affair with my X BF that I thought was gay while he lived here. I remember hearing her husband and her argument’s to the point I almost called 911 in fear he would kill her. At the time I wasnt aware the guy living with me as my gay partner was the reason for the arguments. When I would ask my partner if he had any idea why they were fighting he would go to bed and cover his head like a worm in a cocoon.
Sorry I got off on a tangent there….
You can look nice when you take him out to dinner…when did u sell your condo? are you moving to costa rica? catch me up here girl…
Travis,
Your article “…Compassion for the Sociopath” was a beautiful and powerful contribution. It created a great deal of angst/discomfort in me…and in that angst – (I’m not sure if angst is accurate, but I don’t have a dictionary to check on that…ah the subtle paranoia and need to be clear and not misunderstood…sigh)…. and in your and others compassionate replies, I worked through that angst….and accomplished some healing that might not have happened – at least not at this time.
It was definitely ‘food for thought’ for me.
Yes, healing can be difficult and painful and require courage. But opening yourself up and sharing – as you did in this article – despite the risk of upsetting others or being misunderstood – that too takes a great deal of courage.
So, with immense gratitude, I thank you Travis.
I don’t yet have that courage – to share and trust. Cripes, I can’t yet read through too many posts before I start feeling overwhelmed. I would like to offer support – but I’m not there yet…in my heart yeah…to put it out there to be challenged…as you do? Not even close!
Shelley
Wow, Henry! I wouldn’t want to have that neighbor of yours around either! What a nightmare you were living in.
I’m in a much more balanced place with the neighbor. He sent me a few more emails today, and we ended up meeting at the gym. He hung out with me the whole time I was sweating on the stairmaster, and it helped me stay on there and burn 300 calories. I made it a point to wear the “skinny” workout outfit tonight. lol You know, I definitely noticed his hotness – he is a very sexy man. But I didn’t get thrown off balance by it like I used to. I am able to be totally myself around him without even being nervous. I think my self-esteem has risen a lot since last year. So out of the blue, we have resumed our old friendship right where we left off, like we never even missed a beat. He walked out of the gym with me and confirmed the lunch plans for Sunday. Then he told me if I go to the gym this week, I should call him. So……..Hmmmm. Honestly, I’m not falling all over him anymore. He is just a friend. I wish Lizzy could read this. She won’t believe it.
Hens, I did a short sale on my condo on Jan 3. I owed 93k on it. The bank accepted an offer of 48k. The buyers are the nicest people (mother and son). The mom lives in the complex and I’ve known her for years. She is a wonderful person. They are renting it back to me for less than what I was paying. And they are doing the repairs (!). They will even let me out of the lease if I decide to move somewhere. It turned out to be a win-win for me. Such a relief to get rid of Citimortgage. I was about to set them on fire.
And would you believe they are STILL harrassing me for delinquent payments? The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing over there.
Thanks for asking. What’s new with you????? And here’s a gratuitous hug for no reason. ((((Henry))))
Nothing is new with me Star, I am doing fine tho…..thanx for the update…
Henry, how are you spending your free time, like on the weekends and stuff? Are you doing anything fun?
Star,
I didn’t abandon the subject, I just had to leave for a while.
Oxy,
I’ve always had boundaries for people who attack me if I don’t know them. My boundary programming was set by my parents. They programmed me to allow any family or loved ones to walk all over me, while I thank them profusely. Everyone else means nothing. My family is extremely narcissistic and that rubbed off on me. (unfortunately)
So I’ve been thinking about this since this morning and I did a bit of research on what Jesus said about forgiveness. He said that we must forgive 7×70 times. But the parable explains that this forgiveness is for those who ASK FOR OUR FORGIVENESS AND ARE REPENTANT. Spaths never repent.
This is a CRITICAL POINT, because it addresses a key component of psychopathy. Psychopathy never stands alone. It REQUIRES enablers. Spaths are addicted to the supplier/enabler/attention. They NEED to be forgiven in order to continue their evil behavior. It is part of their manipulative existence. When you forgive a spath, you have enabled him and participated in his game. To a spath, forgiveness means NO consequences, NO responsibility. He gets to stay an infant.
So I have decided that forgiveness is the wrong thing to do for 2 reasons: they are not sorry and it enables them.
That leaves the bitterness in our hearts. I think that often times we are angry at God for allowing the spaths to hurt us. The bitterness comes from that. If we accept that God has his plan and like Job, we have the humility to accept that we don’t know what’s best for us, then we can begin to remove the bitterness. It’s not easy.
Spaths show us the opposite behavior. It is always about their will, their will power and what they want. They don’t bow to God or reality. Even when my spath prayed, he was praying that God do what spath wanted. Not what God wanted. It’s a concept he just couldn’t quite get.