Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Sky,
What? Where? I never said you abandoned the subject?…….I was the one who changed the subject. Did you read my news? About my reunion with my rock star neighbor after a year? It is very good news to me.
Star,
Oh, I know you didn’t say that. Just explaining my absence…
Yeah, I read that. You were able to connect with the kid and it wasn’t awkward. I think it’s all about how you perceive yourself. You’ve lost weight, you took care of business with your condo and you feel good, so that’s what you project.
Next step is feeling good about you no matter what’s going on!
It’s not easy. As long as I’m fat I feel kinda icky. But I think the reality is that I’m unhealthy when I’m fat and that’s why I feel icky.
You don’t need to forgive to be free from bitterness. I do it by turning the abusive relationship into a lesson for me, into understanding myself more, working and changing parts that are in need of it, and use it as a momentum to build a new life that inspires me again. That’s how I get to love myself again, and be at peace with the past. And when I’m at peace with the past, and loving myself, I’m more free to pay attention to people who actually deserve it.
As for men, stargazer, I noticed an encouraging change in myself too. During the weekend 2 weeks ago of my tour company we had a party in the evening. I was so happy it was one of the DJs of several years ago, because he can DJ puurrfectly. I ended up dancing for 3 hours straight on disco, funk, hi-NRG, some metal, some electronic… my legs just would not stop moving, even though I was sure I was tired. But I only stopped when the music wa over and it was time to go home.
What does this have to do with men? Well, I kinda realized I saw the DJ in a different light. He’s actually kindof a nerd type, even though he dresses fine, and his haircut is ok too. He’s the type of guy I tend to be palls with, but never feel attracted to. Meanwhile my friends always commented on how my taste of men has always been immaculate. I think it has to do with a combination of my innate esthetical sense (I’ve been going to art school in weekends since I was 5, and my natural talent are portraits), as well as my youth wounds when I was a kid and teen where other girls in class shut me out and I was stigmatized as a tomboy who’d never be able to get “the hot alpha” guy. Heck even as a teen, I’d hear all the time from palls that I was too boyish for their liking (even if I had no interest in them), not feminine enough. My favourite teen movie at the time (aside from Breakfast Club) was sixteen candles. Anyway, I proved them all wrong to my mind in the past decade, before the spath.
Of course, I’m not that shallow as it may sound above. When I portray people I have the uncanny ability to bring out the soul aspects I perceive… just like my cold grandfather who started to look more and more like his portrait I made of him through the years. I did not just get attracted to the looks of those guys, but intellect and kindness. Most of them were decent guys. I just wasn’t ready to commit myself then. But I cannot discount there was partly an esthetical and alpha-male factor going on.
And yet, I find things have changed. For example three guys people might consider “hot” had started to focus on me that dancing night, giving me compliments, trying to dance with me, etc… I thanked them, smiled, but told them that soon they’d get me to blush. They didn’t interest me, nor their complimenting. The only man I kinda felt interested in was the pal-DJ. At the end of the night, I thanked him for making it such a great dancing fest, and asked him whether he still lived in my city, and if he ever goes to the pub to lemme know and I wouldn’t mind going for a drink with him.
He was kinda surprised when I said the latter. Of course he would… we know each other for about 10 years of weekends. And we like each other as persons. But never have I ever showed any particular female interest in him. But now at least I was thinking, I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better, outside of the weekends.
It wasn’t because he was the DJ (He DJd for 5 years for all of us in those past 10 years), it wasn’t because he looks hot (he’s normal nice looking and in shape, but not hot… as I said, there’s a nerd factor there), nor does he have an alpha male attitude. What I was thinking was: he’s a very nice person, kind and good hearted.
And when it was time to leave and I was still talking with another pal outside for 10 mins, he made a point of it to say goodbye to me… he even thanked the dancers on his fb the next day.
And it doesn’t matter whether we actually go have a drink together at all to me at this moment. What mattered to me was the thought process behind who I was interested in.
Wow, Darwinsmom, you are so brave asking a guy out. It’s so hard for me to do, especially at my age, because I tend to be attracted to guys a few years younger (the rock star is 6 years my junior). But I think it’s really really encouraging that your taste in men is changing. This is inspiring! Let us know how it goes with the DJ!
I used to have an infatuation with my neighbor, and I’d get all nervous around him. I played a lot of games. But the reality is that he really is a total sweetheart who would do anything for his friends. I’m sure I scared him away with all my game-playing last year. Anyway, I hope we can become good friends again. Our connection really is that of friendship. We talk about health and nutrition, music (I used to be in a band, too), and we both have cats. I just really like him a lot. I can actually see myself with him, but I’m trying not to get too far ahead of the game and just take it one day at a time. This time around I will play NO games at all with him. I will just be straight up. My new client, the doctor, also really likes me, and he is one of my favorite people right now – just a really special person. But I don’t feel a physical attraction for him. That could change over time. But mostly, I am thinking to set him up with another massage client of mine whom I think he would really like.
I also like your idea of forgiveness. That’s a very good way to put it.
Sky,
You have mentioned your weight a few times that it bothers you. You know, it would be hard, but you can drop the extra weight. I dropped 10 lbs a few months ago and have been able to keep it off. I’ve never felt better. And I’m attracting a lot of guys, too. If you ever decide to do it, you will have a great support system here. Oxy, Lizzie, and I have all done it. It takes about 2 months of torture and agony where you feel like you are starving and forcing yourself to exercise when you don’t want to. After a few months, though, it all becomes a habit. Never thought I would actually look forward to going to the gym every day. This will help your overall self-esteem. Not that you could be any more gorgeous than you already are – I can’t even imagine!
Lol, Star… Sometimes I’m totally togue tied… at other times, I’ve just beckoned them with my finger and told them outright I had noticed them. Works usually with younger men. And at other times, I was just relaxed and having fun and ended up in their company; they made a move and things went from there.
The spath was 9 years my junior, some 6-8 years. I even once thought a date was 24 (he said so) and he turned to be 19 and still in HS. The same night I found that out some 30 something guy who was after my female friend (in her 20s) tried to set me up with a 40-something bookkeeper who bored the hell out of me. Though it was too jarring to date a guy that young, and I ended it there, the bookkeeper was too much of the opposite.
Strangely enough though, I prefer guys around my own age, or at least same life development stage. It’s just that when I think they’re only 2 years younger than me they end up being in their late 20s or now early 30s.
Star,
I have lost several pounds, but I have about twice that many more to go. Salads and exercise. I know the drill. It’s just hard and I don’t have the energy.
Thanks for offering your support. I may take you up on it.
Skylar,
I slacked off the gym and it’s so hard getting back. I don’t have the energy either, but I’m gonna FORCE myself to go today. I think it’s the time of year and the fattening food makes me pure lazy.
Ugh…I’m off to the gym. I know I’ll feel better on my way out of the gym!
Wasn’t sure where to post…. I am going to seek out a counselor today. I have an appt. at 2 pm. Just have tooo many symptoms of what I think is PTSD. Especially when I think of something, within a minute I am broken out in a sweat. …..(panic attack?). This is happening over 20 times a day so physically I feel miserable. I have no insurance so I have begun to medicate by drinking a little…(when I never drink) I told myself they were Hot Flashes …but they are directly related to thoughts of the Spath and/or the fall-out. I just don’t feel the energy to try to “explain” the situation to someone and get a blank look, or worse the “Well, sounds like you have been through alot but lets just forget all that and focus on today forward”. That’s what I got last year when I tried this. I do not WANT to focus on the spath or what has happened, it’s just THERE,but I can’t just forget it either when I am living in what he created for me. I do not even think much on him as I went NC one year ago, and other than being stalked by him about 5 times through the past year, I have not seen him. It’s the fall-out. The loss. The trauma. The grief of the true loved ones I have lost. The shock. The fear when I realized he could/might kill me, and then the wishing he had when I saw what all he had destroyed behind my back while I was loving and serving him!!
If anyone has helps for the physical symptoms of PTSD, or the trauma please let me know. I don’t want to go on drugs for depression or PTSD….. also if there are post in here for the physical symptoms of what we have been through on LF please direct me……. Thanks.
Bellaangel,
I have no doubt that you are suffering some or all of the symptoms of PTSD. I can’t imagine how you could NOT have some of these symptoms with all that you have been through for as long as you have been through it.
The thing that helped me the most with PTSD symptoms was rapid eye movement therapy which I had not even heard about before I had it…and a few sessions helped me a great deal.
Take care of yourself and find the medical care you need, there are free or sliding scale mental health clinics and medical care as well. Get what you need! God bless you!
Ox Dover…. Do you mind me asking did you specifically request that or was it offered to you? My problem is trusting anyone with the only thing I have left after the Spath: ME. I asked several times if she had experience with cluster B personalities….Narcissist and Psycopaths. She said yes, so I will see if she can help with the physical symptoms I am experiencing….So far they told me to grab and ice cube and that would center me when the panic attack stikes. We’ll see…… 🙂 Thank you for always responding when I write. You are very attentive and it helps to know there are pople out there that understand. Hugs ~