Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Bellaangel,
A panic attack is when the body for whatever reason (stress?) just throws out a big injection of adrenaline, the “fight or flight” hormone and it makes us panic.
The feeling are REAL but they will go away if you give them time and DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU AFRAID that you are dying with a heart attack or are going crazy….hang on to the ice cube will work, but telling yourself over and over, “this is just an adrenaline hormone attack and it feels bad but it is NOT DANGEROUS and I will get okay.”
EXERCISE also helps to burn off the adrenaline, after all it is made to give your arms and legs extra sugar and energy to run or fight, so USE UP THAT ENERGY by exercising vigorously.
Afterward you will feel weak and maybe even sleepy, and that is okay, so just rest and say “thank goodness that is over”
So just calm yourself down by talking to yourself in a calming manner quite like you might to a small child who was scared by a thunder storm. So be patient, they will get fewer and longer between them as you calm down. in there (((hugs))) and God bless.
Oh, I was offered the Rapid Eye movement called EMDR by by therapist and it really did help. GREATLY in fact.
Thanks Ox Dover….. I am not even sure that is what I am experiencing. It feels like a hot flash, lasts about a minute and then I end up breaking out in a sweat. It is happening about 20-30 times a day. While I am working, driving, sleeping…… it is miserable.
PLEASE ANYONE: I have another honest question. When trying to heal how do you tell people what you have experienced without getting the response that “you need to own your part in this” and that “you are just playing the vicitm”. My Spath studied psych books so that he could convince people that the women in his life are crazy, borderline etc…… so that puts the women in a position that when they realize what was happening, and you try to tell those around you (namely my children) they are convinced through the Spath that it is the “borderline” showing , not wanting to take responsibility and playing the vicitim which is something borderlines DO….so it fits in with what he has been convincing them behind your back while you are playing Suzie Homemaker and Pamela Anderson-namely loving him while he is putting you in “check-mate” before you know a game is being played.
The inablility to get anyone to believe me, and the thoughts of that, are what spur-on the anxiety attack I am experiencing….. so then I do not try to get anyone to listen and try to build a life, but my body will not let me progress without these “attacks” Any thoughts or feelings?
Bellaangel, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I had “attacks” too and ended up taking Zoloft and Xanax. Xanax is addictive so you have to be REALLY careful with it but it does help the body calm down considerably. Often times I’d cut the pill into quarters so I was taking the absolute minimum of what I needed. Eventually I stopped the Zoloft and cut the Xanax down to only half a pill at bedtime. Now I’ve stopped that too. I still have plenty of emotional challenges however the “panic” and sense of dread is no longer part of my daily life.
Sadly, I’m not sure there is much to help with people not believing you. No one believes me either and am reaching the point of just accepting it. That includes the psychologist I was seeing who initially was trying to convince me that my marriage wasn’t “real” …..figured that one out!, but then when I started sharing some of the specific incidents she thought I was delusional. I cannot change what others believe. It’s my opinion they are not willing to believe this type of thing is possible. I still have to live only one day at a time to cope but considering what the past was with panic/anxiety attacks I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago.
My best to you Bellaangel. Please be kind to yourself and take one small step at a time.
~New
Bella,
It is hard to get people to believe us. That’s the whole point in the way that spaths operate. Who would believe that my spath would send another spath to marry my sister? It wasn’t enough to prey on me, once he met her, he had to destroy her too, but how to do it? I mean, if he tried to connect with her in any way, the jig would be up, right? Easy peasy, just send in a trojan horse. But first get the trojan horse implicated in a rape so that he could have complete control of him. Now the spath can prey on the entire family without even being there.
Do you believe me? And you know what? that’s just the tip of the iceberg. If I tell too much, you will not believe me. So I only tell a little bit.
Bella, write down your story. Do it for you. Validate yourself. And also, we DO have to take a good long look at ourselves and how we came to be with a spath and why we stayed and allowed the abuse.
Usually the reason is, because we have not developed better coping skills for dealing with the pains of life. It helps to analyze your own story and see where you could have made different choices and what those choices might have been.
Due to a loving upbringing, good friends in high school and a childhood spent in a great neighborhood I didn’t understand that people would intentionally want to cause emotional/physical harm to someone they proclaimed to “love”. That was in the movies or in some horrible news story that was far removed from my world. No history, no experience, and no clue.
I continually made the assumption that my ex would never cause harm so there had to be another explanation. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, over and over again……30+ years worth. I see many things now I didn’t see before. So many ah-ha moments continue to occur. I never understood why someone would want to cause harm just because they can. I still do not understand it however I now know that evil exists and it can be in people who put on a good facade of being a caring person and an upstanding member of the community. My ex continues to spread rumors about me, saying I did the things he did. No doubt in an effort to ensure his standing within the community is maintained. It has caused me a great deal of distress but I am coping with it and realize there is no going back. I can only move forward, make new friends watch for those red flags. I’ve maintained only one friend from the community I had resided in for decades and that’s because she is married to someone with high P traits so she understands. She hasn’t reached the full realization yet but she is getting there. If people haven’t lived it, they cannot comprehend it….and that includes people in the psych field.
Bella, I agree with Skylar. If you write it down it will help validate your experience. In my situation, I believe that is why I felt compelled to share my story but learned that method backfires unless it’s on LF. Skylar, like you I’ve learned to be cautious about what I share, if anything at all in some situations. It took me a long time to learn to keep this quiet but I now know it’s the only way to emotionally survive.
May we each find renewed strength every day.
~New
Thank you all…… I am SO trying to move forward, it’s just my body won’t stop reacting. I was scared to death yesterday to seek out a couselor through the mental health because if like you, New Beginning and Skylar, If professionals question me on if this was “real” after it has taken this long for me to ACCEPT the TRUTH I don’t know what I would do!!! My spath was trying to convince me through “jokes” that he would have me “”committed and once he said to me…. perfectly serious….. ” I see demons in you” while I was sitting there watching T.V….. (can anyone say ….GASLIGHTING) So,..I just don’t trust anyone anymore especially anyone that could have any power over me. I never thought those I loved would ever NOT believe me…so I expect it now.
I learned something today: through a post of Oxy’s on passive-aggressive i recognized that my first husband of 28 years was that…passive aggressive. We went to a Dr. and he said he was a pathological liar and BiPolar ( which he totaly denies now that were divorced) but I think by researching it is was passive -aggression. Anyways, it was hell! Then I fall for the Spiritual abuse of a “Pastor” who sexually abused me,and then finally I marry an all out-DANGEROUS Spath. I am having to look at why am i so vulnerable…and why do I gravitate towards the walking wounded and mentally handicapped? I am overly compassionate, overly understanding and overly loving and see myself as a CARE GIVER….to my demise. I don’t know how to change that about myself…and I ONLY draw that type of person, so I guess I will be alone forever. I have been alone for the last 4 years except for 10 months of marriage to the Spath, and I have dated myself and am truly lonely and bored. 🙂 But that’s another post!
Thanks….. your all a blessing!!
New Beginning, it never ceases to amaze me that people out there do intentionally harm others for their own purposes, regardless of what those purposes may be.
The spreading of rumors is a typical tactic. The one thing that I did was to gather mountains of documentation. Now that I know that the marriage was a fraud from the gate, I’m able to walk away from it without a backward glance. The person that I “loved” for all of those years did not exist except as a Grand Illusion. And, that’s just that.
I’m not a “Dear Diary” type of person, and I never have been. But since my discovery of what the soon-to-be-exspath truly is, I’ve been journaling about my feelings, the experiences, the facts, and the incredible injustice where holding sociopaths accountable (legally, AND morally) goes. The one thing that my counselor has told me again, and again, is that “…feelings are NOT facts.”
It’s true: if people haven’t survived sociopathy, they just don’t “get it.”
And, sharing experiences with others……indeed, it must be a cautious thing. Although a very few people know what happened, keeping my mouth shut is an imperative. What happens to most of us when we speak truthfully about our experiences is that we come off looking either like full-blown idiots for having “allowed” someone to take such advantage of us, or we sound like bitter lunatics and those who just don’t “get it” view us as being on a mission of vengeance.
What I remind myself of on a daily basis is that I am LUCKY to have ended it when I did, even HOW I did. Once everything is said and done, I’ll share more about my experiences. But, what I want to share most of all, today, is that I am truly GRATEFUL for having made my discovery, ending the relationship, and pressing forward with as much courage as I’ve ever been inclined to muster. And, I still hurt and grieve over the person that was 100% illusion. That will pass, in time.
Betrayal warrants the 9th Circle of Hell, according to Dante. The reason for this, I feel, is that even murder victims have an end to their suffering. A victim of betrayal must live with what’s been done to them on a daily basis. The victim’s issues of trust can never be wholly resolved, nor can there be true closure for them in the sense that there will be accountability or atonement by the sociopathic perpetrator.
TGFLF!!!! Which translates into: “Thank God For Love Fraud!”
Brightest healing blessings to everyone!
New, Sky and Bellaangel,
I found writing down my experience really helped me. I have never fully disclosed everything that happened to me to anyone. I’ve never had any counselling either but I did suffer a “breakdown” of my life where everything just unravelled and I went into a deep black hole from which I escaped, thankfully. It’s not a place I wish to re visit any time ever again. My diary of the events that I recorded, just took me up to the breaking down of my life. I didn’t “discuss”what happened after that. I just need to tell someone what led to that event, if you can get my drift. I wrote it to myself, for myself.
Not only did it help me see things I hadn’t before, but it gave me comfort too. I have kept the “journal” sometimes I consider getting rid of it, burning it because I wouldn’t want my children to read what lies in there. It’s a grim tale. And so it remains. Well hidden but there all the same. Only in real moments of self doubt do I venture in and re read it! I can assure you I’m not having doubts for long after dipping into “my history with a spath by strongawoman”
Painful yes. Cathartic definitely. I would strongly recommend writing your experience. Certainly, for me it is the only way i am comfortable with what happened. I had to unburden myself and that was my only way.
Sorry if it’s a bit garbled but I hope it helps someone especially Bellaangel.
If anything this wonderful place, LF has been the only other safe haven for me to speak about my experience. And I thank the Lord, Donna and especially you beautiful people here for being here!
Blessings and greetings from SW
Sky, Bella, Truth and SW,
It’s a lonely journey reconciling life with a spath. Thank you all so much for sharing as it helps me cope with my own struggles. There are still days I question my own sanity because so much of it is unbelievable.
Bella,
I’ve heard from some that they’ve gone to numerous counselors before they found one that was a good fit. There have to be some out there who’ve had clients that were involved with psychopaths. As I think about it, my counselor was aware I was married to a psychopath which is why she was gently guiding me to the “it wasn’t real” aspect. I don’t believe she knew how to deal with some of the details. It probably put her in a precarious position as my ex can clearly be a danger to others, yet there isn’t really anything she could do about it. Not sure if that’s why but I’d been seeing her for quite some time and always like her until she stopped believing me. I think she just didn’t WANT to believe me. Anyway Bella, there has to be some out there who will be supportive through the good, the bad and the extremely ugly.
SW, I experienced the “black hole” too and used that phrase with my counselor, stating that I was spiraling uncontrollably down a black hole. I don’t ever want to go back there either. I struggled each day to stay alive. It is a dark, scary place.
Truth, I can only hope that my ex will have a special place in hell waiting just for him and his kind.
As Truth said; TGFLF!
So, to the topic of this post – I am trying to heal and need advice. I am exhausted. I have fought my ex-sociopath in court for 7 years. Our kids are now 14 and 12. My ex doesn’t stop and he has money to keep fighting – I don’t. I have tried to protect my children from him over the years. I have sacrificed so much for them – what mother wouldn’t? The courts sided with me and said my ex is a narcissist. My son has turned against me and the judge said this is the worst case of parental alienation she has ever seen. But, it’s not bad enough for him to lose custody. My son turned on me and called me every name in the book. He cut me to the core and I am still reeling from his ugliness. He did it so I would give in and let him go live with his dad.
I never thought I’d do it, but I gave in. I was spent. I have had to file bankruptcy because of my ex, and I have spent tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. I cannot do it anymore. I have a husband and a daughter that deserve more. So, I let my son go. Christmas day 2011 was the switch. I have seen him twice since then. Partly because I’m exhausted and hurt and I’m not really wanting to put myself in that situation again. The one day my son did come home, he got angry and threw it in my face that he was never coming home again. I am just so tired of all the verbal abuse.
My ex got his way and I’m sure he’ll come after my daughter soon too. He makes demands for weekends and has major reasons why he needs them this and that weekend. I can put my foot down and make everyone mad about having to be with me on a certain weekend, or I can just throw up my hands and say forget it…whatever you want!
I am at that point. What good does it do to keep fighting? He’ll just win anyway. He knows the kids mean more to me than anything. If I just let him get whatever he wants when he wants it, then will he eventually get bored? I know it is not helpful to my kids, but one of them doesn’t care anyway. My daughter just wants her dad’s attention.
I just want to enjoy life for once! I’m trying so hard to find peace in this storm, but some days I just don’t think I can endure one more day. I feel like he’s driven me to a mental breakdown.
Thanks for any advice/support you can give.