Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Healing does not always look like what “I” think it should look. Last week’s post was another example. I checked it late in the evening and read many posts that sounded like my post was doing more harm than good to some. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable for a moment and I needed to think about what I was feeling. I’d prefer everyone to say wonderful things about these posts and get well immediately, but that is not how it works.
The Truth often makes us uncomfortable, because it means that we have a choice, and can do something about how we are feeling. The absolute hardest lesson for me to learn was that I am not a victim (there I go again!). If I am not responsible for my own happiness, then who is? Healing is not always easy. It often takes courage, faith and endurance, but it is always available. It IS up to us.
My experience was, and continues to be, that healing does not always look like I think it should look. In fact, sometimes it appears to be destructive, hurtful and scary. This is where Faith and fellowship come in.
Personally, I needed the help of others sharing their own personal experience as it related to my own journey. Many of them “thought” they were being harmed too, when in fact, they were on the road to Healing. This gave me hope when I needed it most”¦when things looked the worst.
The gift of this site is that Lovefraud provides a place where people can share and help each other. Those that have been through this and healed return to help others and that is a beautiful thing. I call it A Miracle.
For the ones returning to help, what was once a nightmare of pain and suffering has now become a beacon of peace, hope and freedom for others. I am pretty sure none of us saw that coming when we were at our darkest moments.
I certainly never thought my experience with my dad killing people would be a “good” experience”¦But hey, what do I know anyway??? Certainly not enough to tell someone else what Healing should look like! I do know that it feels good and for that”¦I am forever grateful!
Today is a great day for A Miracle!
A Course In Forgiving begins January 19, 2012. I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
If you registered for The Course and have NOT received an email from me, please re-register, or email me at travis@victorythroughpeace.com.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Elizabeth,
I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who is fighting a spath: Don’t.
They LOVE to fight, and you don’t. They cheat and you don’t. They have no limits and you do. You can’t win. The only way to win, is to not participate.
When you fight, you show them what you value. They have no values, so they want yours. They envy what you value and they want it for themselves. Not because they care about it, they just don’t want you to have it.
If you want your son back, do not indicate that he matters to you and your spath won’t want him either. Shift his focus by shifting his attention.
That’s all I can tell you about fighting a spath. You don’t have to fight them if you don’t show them what you value. Since they have no values of their own, it isn’t too hard to convince them that your values have shifted. Just create a plausible storyline. That’s what they do.
Show no emotion, neither love nor hate. That is how they discern what you value, they check your face for drama. When a spath is around you have to either laugh or show nothing. Those are the 2 facial expressions they don’t get. They don’t get complicated comedy (some do) and they don’t get a lack of “correct response”.
Elisabeth, Skylar wrapped it up in a nutshell. They want what you value. Mine held a plant hostage that was from my father’s funeral 10 years earlier.
Forget logic, it’s all a game to them.
Elizabeth, I also want to add that 12 and 14 are very difficult ages for raising children without the issues you are dealing with.
I can confidently say that your son is not fully aware of the impact of his words and actions. They are still narcissistic at that age It’s also an age when they tend to bond more with the parent of the same gender so he would naturally gravitate towards his father. He could even have friends teasing him for living with his Mom. Sad, but it happens.
Many healing thoughts going out to you during this extremely difficult time.
~New
How do you do that with my children? I will probably go 3 months without seeing my son if I take that approach. Won’t my son think I don’t love him?
Dear Elizabeth,
I’m not sure if your last post is a response to me or Skylar. I have not dealt with custody issues but just wanted to say that your son is at a difficult age even under normal circumstances. It was not my intention to provide any suggestion of what you should do. Skylar’s post is just the bare bones of what spaths are about. It’s about winning.
Perhaps over a day or two others will post who dealt with a similar situation and they would be able to provide better insight.
My best to you during this difficult time.
~New
Your son is going to think that anyway. Even when you show you love him, his father will convince him that you are crazy and that he should hate you. In fact, he’ll teach him that he should hate all women. Your best bet is to end this ASAP. It will end faster if you stop playing the game. No game = No fun for spath. Get out of the sand box and walk away. Leave him sitting there all alone in his diapers.
It is vital that you model as much adult behavior as you can. Your kids will notice this and that’s what they will want to emulate: Poise, grace, unflappability.
You can show them you love them when they come limping back from their father’s abuse. Unfortunately, that is the only way people learn what a spath is and does.
It is our own narcissism that makes us want to control other people and even to protect them from reality when they don’t want it. A friend told me that people who can’t control themselves, need to control others. That’s what spaths do.
New,
sad about your potted plant. The behavior defies understanding.
After I broke up with my spath, I heard that an old friend’s daughter was getting married. I attended and I visited with the old friend’s elderly mother. She has another daughter who had just gotten divorced and I told her that I had just left a 25 year relationshit. I VERY briefly explained that he was a conman. In a hushed voice, in church she whispered, “It would be better if they DIED!”
Then she told me that her divorced daughter’s ex-husband would not give back the family bible with all of their ancestor’s names in it, unless she gave him several thousand dollars. So they paid, and they were still waiting for the bible.
Evil. just evil. Once encountered, it makes even the most God-fearing, elderly italian catholic woman say, “it would be better if they died.”
What does healing look like?
It looks like this: I have been jerked around ad naseum in the workplace since October. The latest piece of the puzzle was a renewed offer of contract for 3 months – reducing my hours when I am in the middle of producer their biggest fundraiser of the year. I rejected their contract offer. I counter offered. They accepted one half of it. I rejected their offer and let them know i was open to a counter offer. That email went out tonight.
I have grown some stones since being fucked over, fucked around and shit on by my family and the spath. I am done with not sticking up for myself.
The anger and resentment I felt with each of the stunts they have pulled require that i take a good look at taking care of myself. If i have to hold a big bag of shit anger and resentment to be able to do something, then I need to say no to what is being offered to me.
BellaAngel,
The “hot flashes” you are describing don’t sound like what I call a “panic” attack….which lasts much longer and causes racing heart or pain in the chest or stomach….the “hot flashes” you are experiencing could come from a number of medical conditions….I suggest that, I STRONGLY suggest, that you go to your physician for a FULL and complete medical check up. Tell your doctor that you are under huge stress (don’t have to go into detail) but my guess is that there will be a medical reason for what you are experiencing.
The stress plays a huge part in our immune systems and can do a big number on our bodies as well as our minds. The medical check is a good idea anyway, but it sounds more like something else than a “panic attack.” (((hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Elizabeth,
Sorryy you are having such a horrible time….the frustration of dealing with the psychopath is horrific.
I suggest that you go to Dr. Liane Leedom’s web site “parenting the at risk child” and also contact her directly….
The alienation that is done by such a psychopathic parent is unbelievable to a normal human being. It is even more difficult when you have a child at the difficult age of 13-20. I know it is difficult for you to to love a child and see them spit in your eye. There comes a point though, when we must let go…really though, there is no “choice” about letting go, they have pulled away.remember theh old saying about “if you love something, let it go….”? In reality that is what we MUST DO with our children. We have no choice. As they pull away we must let go or we will lose them for sure. Can I guarrentee that there is anything that you can do that will pull your son back into your arms saying “Oh, mom I love you, thanks for all the sacrifices you made for me”? No, I can’t tell you that anything you do or don’t do will accomplish that, but I can almost guarantee that if you try to force him to stay with you, he will rebel to the point that he will be way out of your reach. It is damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. When my son started pulling away I held on as long as I could—and he still wound up in prison for robbery then back in prison for murder. I know other people whose sons (daughters) came back to them, and others who didn’t. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t, the decision is yours, but if I had to come up with a thing to suggest it would be to say “Son, I love you, and I wish you’d stay here but I know you want to go, so I love you enough to let you go, and you can come see me when you want to, but you’re not required to, but I’m here if you need me.”
I wish I had a crystal ball and an answer that I was sure was “100% right” God bless.