Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Special note from the author, Travis Vining: Some of the content in this article may be unsettling to some. I would ask that the reader please recognize that the following definition and interpretation of forgiveness is from years of personal experience, reading, learning, practicing and teaching. It did not come easy, and in the beginning, I was just as unwilling as most to accept forgiveness as a possible solution to my problem. It is very “normal” to experience an emotional response to the idea that we play a part in our own suffering when the pain is still fresh.
If you prefer words like acceptance, letting go, etc., please use them. They are all valid descriptions of forgiveness.
What is forgiveness? Part II
In the past five years, I have faced my greatest fears. I confronted my father and recorded him on death row, extracting a confession that resulted in two more murder convictions. I then helped cold case detectives solve another murder that he committed all those years ago. I was able to do this, not in spite of forgiveness, but because of forgiveness!
I have also forgiven my father. I learned from others that if I wanted to be free, I could no longer hold my father accountable (in my mind) for something that he could not give me. That something was love.
As for how he treated me, using me as his confidante and blackmailing me so I would not go to police, I came to realize that I played a role in allowing myself to be there. I made decisions that allowed that to happen. I had to answer the question that I feared the most…why was I there?
This is a question that cannot be asked when we are blaming others for everything bad that happens in our lives. I had to try and stop thinking of myself as a victim, which was not easy, and take a look at why I stayed in a relationship with my dad when he was hurting me and others. The question might make some uncomfortable, but it was one of the keys to my freedom.
“Old man take a look at my life I’m a lot like you were.” -Neil Young-
When my dad was killing people and telling me about it, I wanted to die. I often had thoughts of suicide. It seemed like a possible way out. At other times, I wished he was dead so it would all stop. What are these but murderous thoughts? How different than him am I if I have thoughts of so called justifiable murder, but just don’t act on them? He would justify every murder, explaining how his victims deserved it for one reason or another. I was doing the same thing, in my mind. The hard truth is, I do know what it feels to want to murder someone. I don’t like it”¦it makes me sick.
I came to the realization that all thoughts of “justifiable” murder, revenge, condemnation and hate made me more like him, not less. Who was I to say that my murderous thoughts were OK, his were wrong. Once I had the courage to look, it became very clear to me that they were the same. The only difference was that he acted on them. The one thing these thoughts had in common, was they made us both sick.
What concerned me even more, were the many teachings about the fruits of hate that suggests we either become what we hate, or continue to fall victim to it. This was my experience before forgiveness entered the picture. I was continuing to repeat behaviors that were placing me in harm’s way with other relationships long after my dad was sentenced to death row. I was attracted to them and didn’t even know it. Before I could stop repeating these behaviors, I had to forgive.
Back to the question, why was I there? I was faithless at the time, and did not know any better. My dad was the only higher power that I had ever known and I wanted him to love me. I had been raised by a sociopath. I simply did not know any better. With this realization, I was able to forgive myself, but it came with a “catch”. If I am going to forgive myself for the results of being faithless, I came to understand that I could not do it, unless I forgave him for this same faithlessness.
My father lived without any belief in God. He, in fact, is the most unforgiving person I have ever known and I did not want to be like him. This IS what separates me from the sociopath. I have a conscience, compassion, love, and the ability to forgive, but if I do not exercise these gifts I become more like him, not less. Killing him is not the answer, forgiving him is.
My freedom rests in my brothers hands, and if I am unable to forgive him, then I am unable to forgive myself. I do not have to like my brother, stay in a harmful relationship with him, avoid my responsibility to help protect others from him, but if I want my freedom, I do have to forgive him.
Apparently, someone else had this all figured out long before my time here. I just had to be willing to take a closer look at this with a willing heart and open mind.
“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
-The Lord’s Prayer-
Some may feel that there are some crimes that do not warrant forgiveness, but not me. Coming to know God has allowed me to absolutely know that my father’s fate is in God’s hands, not mine. My judgment of my father has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to him, but it has everything to do with what happens to me. Understanding this concept helped open the door of willingness that set me free.
As for my dad, he is a very, very, sick man. I would not want to live in the darkness that he lives in. He is already in hell. I pray for his freedom from hell, not condemn him to it. He is already there. When I pray for him I feel better. I know that God created him so I will trust him to God. And if he is God’s child, then I believe, God must love him.
This may be difficult for some to believe, but I love my father. I do not like him, do not want him free from jail and would not be alone in a room with him, but I do love him. I cannot separate the murder from the Miracles in my life, or my freedom from my experience with my dad. Without one, I do not have the other.
God has already used my father to help me, my family, and many people that I have met over the years. My dad brought me into this world and our experience together resulted in setting me free. Without forgiveness, none of this happens. No, I do not hate or resent him, I am grateful.
I wish he could experience the same freedom and peace that forgiveness offers, but he cannot. He lives in a world he created that is without forgiveness, and without light. I don’t think that you can have one without the other.
In the end, forgiveness did not lead me to “walk away or turn my back” on evil, but allowed me to right the wrongs of the past and fulfill my responsibility to help others find their own freedom. I am now able to help victims of sociopaths, trauma, abuse, and bring awareness to the symptoms of unforgiveness. I also speak to law enforcement groups; victim advocates groups, spiritual organizations, and other groups, including college classes that study the behavior of sociopaths.
I teach A Course in Forgiving and help others, like me, come to terms with childhood trauma, loss and disappointment. Many, just like me, find forgiveness to be the pathway to a peaceful and happy life full of miracles. This is yet another gift of Grace that resulted from simply letting go of the past.
I have yet to see a person that has pursued forgiveness with God’s help disappointed, while on the other hand, those that do not forgive, continue to suffer. This is another fact. You can hear it in the tone of their voices, see it in their faces, their relationships, and feel it in their words.
The act of unforgiveness gives power to the perpetrator to continue to harm us long after the so called crime was committed. Actually, this is only partially true, because to continue to harm ourselves with the past requires our consent, so we become co-conspirators with the perpetrator.
Once this takes hold, we begin to see the world through this filter, bringing our pain, past suffering, and unforgiveness into every relationship that we enter. Not only are we harming ourselves now, but poisoning our current relationships.
When we do not forgive, we condemn ourselves to an emotional prison, not realizing that we have become the ones keeping ourselves hostage. We hold the key to our freedom in our own hands and we do not even know it, because we are blinded by hate, resentment and anger. Forgiveness is the key that will open our eyes and set us free.
In the end, it is self-forgiveness that we are seeking, because with it, comes peace. When I stopped hurting myself with the past and someone else’s deeds, I was freed to clear away the wreckage of the past, forgive and be more useful to others.
When I was resentful, angry and wallowing in self pity believing that I was a victim, I did none of these things. The difference”¦forgiveness. So how could it be that forgiving and loving has resulted in the work that I do today? It is simply this”¦Love is more powerful than evil. Love heals and conquers evil, while hate fuels evil. Forgiveness invites this Love to defeat evil and help heal the world.
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
–Romans 12:20-
Forgiveness should not be confused with passivity and trust. To the contrary, it requires courage, willingness and action. It is an extremely powerful response to darkness. Forgiveness removes the fuel that is required for hate and anger to exist within me.
More importantly, I have no experience with forgiveness without God. There may be examples of this in the world, but I have not seen them. Without trust in something greater than ourselves, I am uncertain how that can be done. I needed to ask Him to show me and teach me, because I do not have the power to do this, He does.
Unforgiveness, for me, is an expression of faithlessness. It expresses an underlying belief that God cannot handle this, therefore “I” need to hold on to it myself because the rest of the universe will forget. It is a complete lack of trust. It is the insane belief that somehow, by holding on to this in my mind, it will change the past, change the person or situation or protect me from future harm.
Fear tells me that if I forgive I will forget and be vulnerable to similar suffering, which is simply not true. The reality is, the act of holding on to resentments or unforgiveness is the very thing that keeps me a prisoner of the dark, while punishing me with the very feelings that “I think” I will avoid by holding on to the past.
The process of forgiveness opens the door to healing, and with it, a relationship beyond all understanding. This is the miracle of it all, that we can have a relationship with Our Creator that includes intimate knowledge of His love for us and an understanding of His will for our lives.
In the end, forgiveness is not something that we give, but something that we accept for ourselves. Once this is done, the giving, or sharing of this gift is automatic.
As for the reader, if you still don’t yet believe in forgiveness, imagine this for just a minute. All those evil things that my father did in his life are now helping people who are suffering to find their way to a loving God that will help them with all of their problems and bring peace and joy into their lives. My dad . . . he wanted to harm people, and now his story is helping people find the very peace that he tried to destroy. He tried to take life and now his story gives it. Forgiveness transformed what “I thought” was attacking me into my special purpose, turning darkness to light.
And if God can transform all of my transgressions into a blessing, then this must be true for all my brothers as well. Now, that’s A Miracle!
Travis,
I really appreciated your former article: “Compassion for the Sociopath?”, and I thank you for having the courage to write it – especially knowing the blowback you might have (and did) receive. I agreed with much of what you wrote in that article.
I think, particularly in the face of evil, that it’s vital for us to remain in touch with our compassion for every living thing in order to remain fully human. I’ve said elsewhere that, in the way I interpret the definition (and I can appreciate that there are those who strongly disagree with me), compassion absolutely does not mean letting someone ‘get away’ with bad behaviour without consequence. Quite the opposite. I think that compassion REQUIRES us to respond to behaviour in others – whether good or bad – with its appropriate and commensurate consequences. Otherwise we are just training them how to be abusers, which seems to me to be the polar opposite of compassion. Compassion, in my mind, requires us to apply those appropriate consequences without giving in to feelings of hate, or responding with hateful behaviour.
I appreciated your courage and compassion in writing that article.
However, with respect, I have significant problems with the way you (and quite a few people in modern society) have chosen to define and speak about ‘forgiveness’. The meaning of the word ‘forgiveness’ is literally “to give away”. The notion of forgiveness as “pardon” is one of its more modern interpretations (at least in the english language). But even there, its meaning is still literally to discharge a debt without requiring the compensation duly owed.
To my mind ‘forgiveness’ is one of the most powerful concepts in the bible, and in ethical society. And I believe that its casual use in modern discourse has only served to cheapen and trivialize a fundamental truth. After having studied it a bit, I’m on board with the concept of forgiveness as something of great value, that should be granted through mercy ONLY AFTER true remorse and repentance and attempts at restitution by the aggressor. It should never be granted or given lightly or trivially.
And I feel I should never ask for, nor expect, forgiveness from someone I’ve wronged without first acknowledging and attempting to right that wrong.
I think we should try to use mercy and compassion wherever possible. But forgiveness in my opinion needs to be earned; it requires something (and not something small) from the person asking and receiving forgiveness.
I appreciate this article on forgiveness, and the following comments, by Kathy Krajco (not everyone’s cup of tea, mind you, but she wrote some powerful truths that I’ve found helpful):
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/03/healing-and-forgiveness.html
I particularly appreciated the comment from user “Writer in Washington”:
“You hit the nail on the head when you said that forgiveness is for the REPENTANT. That’s also biblical, there is actually a process which proves repentance by 1) accountability 2) restitution 3) reconciliation. Unfortunately, again this is not properly taught either in church or society. Letting “bygones-be-bygones” is one of the N’s favorite escape routes. If you don’t do so, then YOU are the bad guy. Sick twisted thinking that is not confined to just the religious realm.”
I don’t think that the opposite of ‘hatred’ is ‘forgiveness’. I don’t think those words operate in the same spectrum.
When it comes to how we should try to respond to someone who has done us or others a great wrong, I think perhaps a more appropriate word would be “equanimity”:
e·qua·nim·i·ty
”‚ ”‚[ee-kwuh-nim-i-tee, ek-wuh-]
noun:
mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.
Annie,
As for the definition of forgiveness as being ONLY to the ones who repent, I give Jesus’ example from the cross….asking forgiveness for the men who put him there and they had NOT REPENTED at all. He qualified it as “they know not what they do” and indeed they did not know they were crucifying the Son of Man, but they knew they had crucified an innocent man on trumped up charges, and the soldiers didn’t know or care if he was guilty or innocent, it was just their job. following orders.
While in the past the ancient meaning of the word “forgiveness” may have been some what more narrow, I think we have to look at what the dictionary says about it today.
Of course we are individually able to ascribe ANY meaning to ANY word, but the power of language is when we both ascribe the same meaning to the same word, so that we can use it to COMMUNICATE a concept.
Annie,
wow! in your mind, please imagine me standing up and giving you a standing ovation for articulating so well, this difficult concept. I especially appreciate that you wrote:
There are a couple of things I would add because it helped me to tie up loose ends in my mind, for myself.
Forgiveness when attached to a confession is extremely powerful for both parties. This is, in part, how therapy works. The therapist accepts his client completely without judgement even after she confesses her deepest shame, fear and transgressions. Being accepted just the way you are, is very healing. When the transgressor confesses with true remorse, he is vulnerable. He might be shunned for his evil deed. But if he is forgiven, after confessing truthfully and accepting responsibility for the debt – without holding back or giving lame excuses or projecting blame on someone else – then he experiences acceptance and trust. A very strong relationship can result from that.
I think that’s why the Church came up with the sacrament of confession.
The spath is too filled with shame to ever unmask himself so he can never experience the grace of forgiveness. Even our compassion is met with ridicule. That’s why compassion benefits us and not the spath. It prevents us from becoming like the spath.
Forgiveness can be confusing when a Christian tries to meet Jesus’ standards by taking one or two statements and basing their entire belief on it. We need to look at the Gospel in its entirety. Jesus did say, “Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall have their fill.” And then He said, “if a man takes your coat, give him your shirt as well” but He didn’t say, wait til the man is remorseful. So these 2 statements SEEM contradictory.
It’s my belief that Jesus was telling us that spaths only want what YOU want. If they take your coat, show them that you don’t value it by giving them your shirt too. It’ll drive them crazy. They will think they misread your values and then they won’t want your clothes anymore.
Turning the other cheek is similar to “don’t show that it bothers you when they slap you.” I think he was encouraging us to rise above the things that spaths will do to us and not take it personally because you don’t want to feed their drama. You don’t want to become like them.
I think that Jesus wanted us to be just and forgiving towards our fellow man. Yet, he was well aware of spaths – he spoke about them constantly when he talked about hypocrites. After all what are hypocrites, if not people who wear masks?
Jesus dealt with hypocrites much differently than He did with other sinners. He forgave sinners, He ate with them and he healed them. Yet, when He saw the money changers in the temple, He beat the crap out of them.
🙂
Oxy,
the crucifixion of Jesus was a scapegoating mechanism. It had to be done without knowing that He was innocent, or the crowd’s guilt would not have been assuaged and the memetic violence would have continued. Once a crowd has a scapegoat, they polarize all their violence toward the scapegoat and they actually BELIEVE in his guilt. I recently read that Herod and Pontius Pilate were enemies before the crucifixion but became friends afterward. A scapegoat brings peace to the community. It wasn’t until after He died that people began to see that He was innocent.
Well, my “date” for the auction had a last minute change of plans not her fault, so I’m BACCCCCKKKKK! LOL
Sky, I agree that Jesus was not a namby pamby Savior a lot of people take him to be! LOL The running the money changers out of the Temple proves that point.
I also learned a lot from the story of Joseph which I have written about several times here…he forgave, but he did not TRUST until he had TESTED them. I always as a child wondered about how he was “mean” to his brothers, but it was testing them to see what kind of men they had become. TESTING UNDER FIRE! A REAL TEST!
I tried to give trust back when the person had proven over and over and over “ad nauseum” that they could not be trusted. That they had NOT repented, or even acknowledged that they were a thief or so on. That was why I wrote the MALIGNANT HOPE article. My hope that they would change became unrealistic, outrageous, just like planning your retirement on winning the lotto would be.
Great discussion guys. Thanks to everyone who has contributed.
A great example is today one of D”s friends lied to him about something to do with Scouting and the rules in Scouting…but then he called D back 7 hours later and said “I lied and I am so sorry, I’ve spent the last 7 hours in hell because I panicked and lied to the person I know I never have to lie to.”
The guy had not done anything “bad” but he just lied to cover up something that was against the rules, but he MADE IT RIGHT, and confessed his lie and then withdrew from the area of scouting he was violating the rules of, but it was not a “immoral” or “bad thing” he was doing, it was just that he could not violate the rules and continue in the position he was in. My son has not lost any trust for this young man, in fact, he has gained more respect for someone he already respected.
So if you look at the remorse someone feels and the “reason” they failed to live up to the truthfulness it is not difficult to forgive AND restore trust.
I wanted to forgive because I was in love. It was unfathomable to me at the time I might have been so deliberately and completely betrayed.
It doesn’t matter about forgiving them. Who cares? Forgive a murderer who likely had it in for me too? Why?
Once you know the truth and get to a place of accepting it, somehow it doesn’t seem so relevant. But it was everything when I found myself suddenly alone. And in agony.
It will always come to the same thing in time: Get yourself safe, get your self straightened out after the what happened because you were betrayed. And its not an easy thing to swallow.
And its just ugly all over at the emotional level and maybe more. But after a while, it levels out. And you realize you were fooled. Deliberately.
Forgive it if you want, but forget it as soon as you can. That is what matters is to get to the place where there is no energy going into the betrayer or the events that connect you to them.
EMDR is good. And a couple of years later, like fine wine, its AWESOME. Especially when the facts are staggering.
No matter what you thought, no matter what you felt, you were betrayed. Fooled. Used.
Those are the facts and nothing can make them gentle or kind.
But if you want to forgive, forgive yourself and understand that you weren’t alone, it doesn’t make you stupid. Its just a nasty piece of business and you have to work through it, get out of it and get on with being you.
At the end of the day, this is all about you. They are gone and over time, it comes as what a blessing that is.
And we are all fortunate to have this community to embrace us when we find ourselves as completely lost as this experience leaves us.
Cheers Lovefraud!
SILVERMOON!!!!! So GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!! How you been doing girlfriend? Your above advice is great and right on! It is all about US!
Hi Silver…… 🙂
Silvermoon ~!
silvermoon:
Thank you so much for that post. I printed it to refer to it time and time again.