Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Special note from the author, Travis Vining: Some of the content in this article may be unsettling to some. I would ask that the reader please recognize that the following definition and interpretation of forgiveness is from years of personal experience, reading, learning, practicing and teaching. It did not come easy, and in the beginning, I was just as unwilling as most to accept forgiveness as a possible solution to my problem. It is very “normal” to experience an emotional response to the idea that we play a part in our own suffering when the pain is still fresh.
If you prefer words like acceptance, letting go, etc., please use them. They are all valid descriptions of forgiveness.
What is forgiveness? Part II
In the past five years, I have faced my greatest fears. I confronted my father and recorded him on death row, extracting a confession that resulted in two more murder convictions. I then helped cold case detectives solve another murder that he committed all those years ago. I was able to do this, not in spite of forgiveness, but because of forgiveness!
I have also forgiven my father. I learned from others that if I wanted to be free, I could no longer hold my father accountable (in my mind) for something that he could not give me. That something was love.
As for how he treated me, using me as his confidante and blackmailing me so I would not go to police, I came to realize that I played a role in allowing myself to be there. I made decisions that allowed that to happen. I had to answer the question that I feared the most…why was I there?
This is a question that cannot be asked when we are blaming others for everything bad that happens in our lives. I had to try and stop thinking of myself as a victim, which was not easy, and take a look at why I stayed in a relationship with my dad when he was hurting me and others. The question might make some uncomfortable, but it was one of the keys to my freedom.
“Old man take a look at my life I’m a lot like you were.” -Neil Young-
When my dad was killing people and telling me about it, I wanted to die. I often had thoughts of suicide. It seemed like a possible way out. At other times, I wished he was dead so it would all stop. What are these but murderous thoughts? How different than him am I if I have thoughts of so called justifiable murder, but just don’t act on them? He would justify every murder, explaining how his victims deserved it for one reason or another. I was doing the same thing, in my mind. The hard truth is, I do know what it feels to want to murder someone. I don’t like it”¦it makes me sick.
I came to the realization that all thoughts of “justifiable” murder, revenge, condemnation and hate made me more like him, not less. Who was I to say that my murderous thoughts were OK, his were wrong. Once I had the courage to look, it became very clear to me that they were the same. The only difference was that he acted on them. The one thing these thoughts had in common, was they made us both sick.
What concerned me even more, were the many teachings about the fruits of hate that suggests we either become what we hate, or continue to fall victim to it. This was my experience before forgiveness entered the picture. I was continuing to repeat behaviors that were placing me in harm’s way with other relationships long after my dad was sentenced to death row. I was attracted to them and didn’t even know it. Before I could stop repeating these behaviors, I had to forgive.
Back to the question, why was I there? I was faithless at the time, and did not know any better. My dad was the only higher power that I had ever known and I wanted him to love me. I had been raised by a sociopath. I simply did not know any better. With this realization, I was able to forgive myself, but it came with a “catch”. If I am going to forgive myself for the results of being faithless, I came to understand that I could not do it, unless I forgave him for this same faithlessness.
My father lived without any belief in God. He, in fact, is the most unforgiving person I have ever known and I did not want to be like him. This IS what separates me from the sociopath. I have a conscience, compassion, love, and the ability to forgive, but if I do not exercise these gifts I become more like him, not less. Killing him is not the answer, forgiving him is.
My freedom rests in my brothers hands, and if I am unable to forgive him, then I am unable to forgive myself. I do not have to like my brother, stay in a harmful relationship with him, avoid my responsibility to help protect others from him, but if I want my freedom, I do have to forgive him.
Apparently, someone else had this all figured out long before my time here. I just had to be willing to take a closer look at this with a willing heart and open mind.
“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
-The Lord’s Prayer-
Some may feel that there are some crimes that do not warrant forgiveness, but not me. Coming to know God has allowed me to absolutely know that my father’s fate is in God’s hands, not mine. My judgment of my father has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to him, but it has everything to do with what happens to me. Understanding this concept helped open the door of willingness that set me free.
As for my dad, he is a very, very, sick man. I would not want to live in the darkness that he lives in. He is already in hell. I pray for his freedom from hell, not condemn him to it. He is already there. When I pray for him I feel better. I know that God created him so I will trust him to God. And if he is God’s child, then I believe, God must love him.
This may be difficult for some to believe, but I love my father. I do not like him, do not want him free from jail and would not be alone in a room with him, but I do love him. I cannot separate the murder from the Miracles in my life, or my freedom from my experience with my dad. Without one, I do not have the other.
God has already used my father to help me, my family, and many people that I have met over the years. My dad brought me into this world and our experience together resulted in setting me free. Without forgiveness, none of this happens. No, I do not hate or resent him, I am grateful.
I wish he could experience the same freedom and peace that forgiveness offers, but he cannot. He lives in a world he created that is without forgiveness, and without light. I don’t think that you can have one without the other.
In the end, forgiveness did not lead me to “walk away or turn my back” on evil, but allowed me to right the wrongs of the past and fulfill my responsibility to help others find their own freedom. I am now able to help victims of sociopaths, trauma, abuse, and bring awareness to the symptoms of unforgiveness. I also speak to law enforcement groups; victim advocates groups, spiritual organizations, and other groups, including college classes that study the behavior of sociopaths.
I teach A Course in Forgiving and help others, like me, come to terms with childhood trauma, loss and disappointment. Many, just like me, find forgiveness to be the pathway to a peaceful and happy life full of miracles. This is yet another gift of Grace that resulted from simply letting go of the past.
I have yet to see a person that has pursued forgiveness with God’s help disappointed, while on the other hand, those that do not forgive, continue to suffer. This is another fact. You can hear it in the tone of their voices, see it in their faces, their relationships, and feel it in their words.
The act of unforgiveness gives power to the perpetrator to continue to harm us long after the so called crime was committed. Actually, this is only partially true, because to continue to harm ourselves with the past requires our consent, so we become co-conspirators with the perpetrator.
Once this takes hold, we begin to see the world through this filter, bringing our pain, past suffering, and unforgiveness into every relationship that we enter. Not only are we harming ourselves now, but poisoning our current relationships.
When we do not forgive, we condemn ourselves to an emotional prison, not realizing that we have become the ones keeping ourselves hostage. We hold the key to our freedom in our own hands and we do not even know it, because we are blinded by hate, resentment and anger. Forgiveness is the key that will open our eyes and set us free.
In the end, it is self-forgiveness that we are seeking, because with it, comes peace. When I stopped hurting myself with the past and someone else’s deeds, I was freed to clear away the wreckage of the past, forgive and be more useful to others.
When I was resentful, angry and wallowing in self pity believing that I was a victim, I did none of these things. The difference”¦forgiveness. So how could it be that forgiving and loving has resulted in the work that I do today? It is simply this”¦Love is more powerful than evil. Love heals and conquers evil, while hate fuels evil. Forgiveness invites this Love to defeat evil and help heal the world.
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
–Romans 12:20-
Forgiveness should not be confused with passivity and trust. To the contrary, it requires courage, willingness and action. It is an extremely powerful response to darkness. Forgiveness removes the fuel that is required for hate and anger to exist within me.
More importantly, I have no experience with forgiveness without God. There may be examples of this in the world, but I have not seen them. Without trust in something greater than ourselves, I am uncertain how that can be done. I needed to ask Him to show me and teach me, because I do not have the power to do this, He does.
Unforgiveness, for me, is an expression of faithlessness. It expresses an underlying belief that God cannot handle this, therefore “I” need to hold on to it myself because the rest of the universe will forget. It is a complete lack of trust. It is the insane belief that somehow, by holding on to this in my mind, it will change the past, change the person or situation or protect me from future harm.
Fear tells me that if I forgive I will forget and be vulnerable to similar suffering, which is simply not true. The reality is, the act of holding on to resentments or unforgiveness is the very thing that keeps me a prisoner of the dark, while punishing me with the very feelings that “I think” I will avoid by holding on to the past.
The process of forgiveness opens the door to healing, and with it, a relationship beyond all understanding. This is the miracle of it all, that we can have a relationship with Our Creator that includes intimate knowledge of His love for us and an understanding of His will for our lives.
In the end, forgiveness is not something that we give, but something that we accept for ourselves. Once this is done, the giving, or sharing of this gift is automatic.
As for the reader, if you still don’t yet believe in forgiveness, imagine this for just a minute. All those evil things that my father did in his life are now helping people who are suffering to find their way to a loving God that will help them with all of their problems and bring peace and joy into their lives. My dad . . . he wanted to harm people, and now his story is helping people find the very peace that he tried to destroy. He tried to take life and now his story gives it. Forgiveness transformed what “I thought” was attacking me into my special purpose, turning darkness to light.
And if God can transform all of my transgressions into a blessing, then this must be true for all my brothers as well. Now, that’s A Miracle!
Yep, Its time to start the seeds for the next garden And pumpkins are on my mind. What an incredible food source! Since the only things money can’t buy are true love and homegrown tomatoes, they are on the list too. And spinach (because we know what it did for popeye). And corn as a tribute to Hens’ sense of humor.
It has been a time for growing and learning and leaving behind what once was beyond the reach of the rearview mirroR.
I am glad to see the wonderful friends without whom I could not have weathered that storm. I remember that it was awful.
I remember all of the feelings that I read. I know we all have to walk the path. It is what it is. And we are all lucky to still be here!
There is a high price paid for what we have learned the hard way. And there was no way to have forstalled it for any of us.
So we become so incredibly valuable to one another for the understanding we share and the benefits of the knowledge and insights here.
My words are as small as a match lit in a stadium, but it means a great deal to be able to light in and make among others far wiser a great light of wisdom.
If you’ve been there, you know. Its a hell of a ride. And not one you’d have volunteered if you knew.
But like the old amish saying: We are too soon old and too late smart.
Gardening is a very fine art. Plant the seeds for feeding the wisdom and sanity that is come by the long, dark and cold places of having encountered a remorseless being.
The season is upon us for new start and nature is relentless in her rhythmn.
Best,
Silvermoon,
Your words are so wise, and I know that wisdom was won the hard way, by EXPERIENCE.
It doesn’t take “much” light to overcome darkness….one match, one candle and the darker it is the brighter it shines in contrast!
Glad to have you back! Thanks for sharing the above post!
Forgiveness? I think easy for the Amish community. The man was dead anyway and the Amish are trained to think that way and it was not a lovefraud. It was not a romantic betrayal on a personal one to one level where deep emotions were falsified and deliberately used. It was not the same thing at all as some here have experienced. How would the Amish feel if this man was still out “killing” as many of these predators are still out making a killing. Easier to forgive too when someone has been apprehended by the law. If the law would not forgive me for such actions. If according to religion I myself would not be forgiven unless I repent of such actions and knowing full well the fraudster is unrepentant, where is the justification to forgive?
Where is the logic of this ” I forgave a murderer so I will be forgiven for stealing a mars bar (if that’s the worst thing I have done).
Fraudsters love forgiveness, its a game called Schelmiel. They play it over and over again thinking they can repent on their death bed and nothing every happened.
The only forgiveness worth thinking about is forgiving yourself for falling into the trap fraudsters set for you. You don’t need to forgive them to do that, but many people have religious programming that forces them to think that way.
This article strikes a cord in me because I have been working on attaining forgiveness in my life recently. The problem I have understanding this information is that I don’t believe in God. I believe is some sort of higher power, that basically I am not in control of the universe, but I am not part of an organized religion. When I hear the word God a picture an old man sitting on top of fluffy clouds, and so me believing in God is a lot like believing in Santa. I am working really hard at forgiving my ex husband (the psychopath) and am getting very close, next up, my mother who was was emotionally abusive. In the past I find forgiveness comes with time and not seeing the person, almost two years in the case of my ex. I want to continue to see my mother, but have put more distance between us, therefore becoming less codependent. I wonder if you have any advise that doesn’t depend on the belief in God.
http://www.paulstips.com/brainbox/pt/home.nsf/link/13082006-Understanding-the-games-people-play Don’t play their game!
princesspants – thanks for posting and I especially appreciate the question. I did not believe in God most of my adult life, in part, because of my experience with my dad. It was difficult to believe when I had seen such darkness. Like you, it more or less started with beginning to believe in a “higher power” or some influence on all of creation and the universe. Many people have an emotional attachment to words like God, Christ, etc. that make it very difficult.
My experience was that in seeking wisdom from “the source of all things” I began to be given the answers to the questions that I had. This was A Miracle that began to build Trust.
Personally, I am not a big fan of “man made rules” (much of religion) as it relates to God. If you seek, the universe will answer…but we will never know this to be true if we have “contempt prior to investigation”. Many who claim that there is no such thing have never tried seeking it, therefore their claim can only be speculation and does not result from personal experience. That is just a fact.
Thank you for your honesty! “Seek and You Shall Find”…check it out for yourself (do not take anyone else’s word for it…including mine)…you might be surprised at what you find. I was! I found A Miracle!
Princesspants and Denise,
“forgiveness” to me for the transgressions of others does NOT include absolution for those things, or restoring trust (if there was trust before the abuse) or mean that you must have a relationship with them afterward…to me, it simply means getting the bitterness out of my heart so that bitterness does not eat at ME like a cancer.
As far as a belief in God, I don’t think a belief in God makes any difference in the concepts of forgiveness to me. It so happens that after I quit trying to twist my thinking about God to fit my egg donor’s teachings and looked for my own connection about God, then I found an entirely different concept of a higher power, I found a loving father, not a grouchy old man. I found a spiritual pathway, not a “religions” dictate.
sometimes, for me, the difference in believing in God and believing in some universal truth, is the simple fact that that “universal truth”
does not infer an awareness of me that is looking out for me.
in coming to understand that God is actually doing that, i have come so far in my forgivenness. which took place, as did my spath experience, long before public awareness, leaving me to keep myself and my children safe with no help whatsoever.
the only way i could have done that was by putting us in the hands of God, and only later did i realize, that at least one time when our lives were endangered, i checked the problem in advance and discovered the threat…and that gut feeling to do so came out of nowhere. nowhere? lol
we can always justify subconscious knowledge…pattern recognition…but in the end, when i looked at the overall patterns, the only ones that successfully protect and heal- are the ones in the bible, the teachings of jesus.
nowhere else are they all collected into one lil ol package…
i post as “carriesguns” because at that point in my life, endless discussions without relevant knowlege by others was entirely circuitous….endlessly circuitous…. & i had kids to raise.
to “fix”, somehow… simply letting it be known that i was “armed, possibly crazy” seemed to make spaths look elsewhere for victims. 🙂 nothing like a gun to answer a sociopathic play… later i started realizing that i could have avoided the entire situation, had i claimed out loud & in public to hold christian beliefs….firmly. that it would have, in my situation, acted very much like a shield. who knew?
Carries guns,
LOL I enjoyed your post above. I had to laugh, may have told this story the before but think it fits now.
The other day my son D asked me where one of my pistols was, he wanted to clean it, and I said “where it ALWAYS is” and he sort of looked funny at me, like “where?” and I said “ON MY BED, UNDER MY BIBLE, WHERE I ALWAYS KEEP IT.” LOL
And that’s true, that pistol “lives” there on the unused side of my bed, underneath my Bible. He teases me that he is going to make me a double holster, one side for my gun the other for my Bible. LOL But I think that self protection is necessary sometimes, but so is my faith in God always. Psychopaths DO respect superior force, though sometimes some of them,, like my son Patrick don’t recognize ANY force as “superior”—I firmly believe he would attack my house with a pea shooter if he knew there were machine gun nests surrounding it, because he would believe he would succeed in killing me because he is soooooo smart and capable he would “win” under any conditions.
“Armed and mean as a snake” is a good one too. LOL
Thank you for this post Travis, it is an insightful and personal take on forgiveness and what it means through your eyes. Everyone of us are unique in our thoughts and beliefs, and we all have our own way of forgiving the wrongs that have been done to us or the wrongs that we have done to others. As I continued to read, I began to feel I was in church, which does not bring fond memories to me, however, I continued on, and then decided to read some comments to finish. I was very pleased, which helped me to relax, to read Slimone’s comment, and I appreciate that they decided to go “out on a big limb”. It truly does not matter what a person believes, or does not believe. It is within each and every one of us to forgive, let go, and then move on with our lives. How a person chooses to embrace this concept is up to each individual and their personal comfort level. Interesting that this came in my email this morning. My mother and I were talking about forgiveness last night, due to the recent passing of one of my past step-fathers who used to abuse us mentally and physically. I always received the brunt of his assaults. These years for me was from the time I was 3 years old until I was 12, I am now in my fifties. You see all the while he was choking and beating with his fists, belts and whatever else within his reach; and saying things to me as an innocent child like “you should have never been born” and “why don’t you just die, you need to just die”, he was an upstanding Deacon in our church. He would pray and ask for forgiveness on Sundays, then come Monday he was good to go again. His blood son who recently took a bible study course and is certified to give sermon now, wrote to me last week about his father. In his letter, he stated that he heard his father was ill and that his father deserved the illness he had, and hoped he would die alone. I was the one who was severely mistreated by his father, yet while reading those words I thought…how could someone quote the bible in one sentence and berate another in the next. My brother does not yet know that his father has died. Although I had not seen my ex-step-father except for one time after the divorce, I had forgiven him years before. I shed tears when I learned of his passing, felt sadness, yet at peace because I held no grudge. I am a spiritual person, yet my biblical brother preaches that I need to read the bible and get right with the Lord. Perhaps once my brother learns of his father’s death, he will find it in his heart to forgive. If not, I plan to let him read your post Travis, and maybe the mention of bible quotes will help him to let go of his resentment of his father. This was not a pity party, I am a strong survivor. This was just an example of another human being expressing their belief with a sample of why. May we all find peace in forgiving, no matter how we attain that sense of well-being! 🙂