Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Special note from the author, Travis Vining: Some of the content in this article may be unsettling to some. I would ask that the reader please recognize that the following definition and interpretation of forgiveness is from years of personal experience, reading, learning, practicing and teaching. It did not come easy, and in the beginning, I was just as unwilling as most to accept forgiveness as a possible solution to my problem. It is very “normal” to experience an emotional response to the idea that we play a part in our own suffering when the pain is still fresh.
If you prefer words like acceptance, letting go, etc., please use them. They are all valid descriptions of forgiveness.
What is forgiveness? Part II
In the past five years, I have faced my greatest fears. I confronted my father and recorded him on death row, extracting a confession that resulted in two more murder convictions. I then helped cold case detectives solve another murder that he committed all those years ago. I was able to do this, not in spite of forgiveness, but because of forgiveness!
I have also forgiven my father. I learned from others that if I wanted to be free, I could no longer hold my father accountable (in my mind) for something that he could not give me. That something was love.
As for how he treated me, using me as his confidante and blackmailing me so I would not go to police, I came to realize that I played a role in allowing myself to be there. I made decisions that allowed that to happen. I had to answer the question that I feared the most…why was I there?
This is a question that cannot be asked when we are blaming others for everything bad that happens in our lives. I had to try and stop thinking of myself as a victim, which was not easy, and take a look at why I stayed in a relationship with my dad when he was hurting me and others. The question might make some uncomfortable, but it was one of the keys to my freedom.
“Old man take a look at my life I’m a lot like you were.” -Neil Young-
When my dad was killing people and telling me about it, I wanted to die. I often had thoughts of suicide. It seemed like a possible way out. At other times, I wished he was dead so it would all stop. What are these but murderous thoughts? How different than him am I if I have thoughts of so called justifiable murder, but just don’t act on them? He would justify every murder, explaining how his victims deserved it for one reason or another. I was doing the same thing, in my mind. The hard truth is, I do know what it feels to want to murder someone. I don’t like it”¦it makes me sick.
I came to the realization that all thoughts of “justifiable” murder, revenge, condemnation and hate made me more like him, not less. Who was I to say that my murderous thoughts were OK, his were wrong. Once I had the courage to look, it became very clear to me that they were the same. The only difference was that he acted on them. The one thing these thoughts had in common, was they made us both sick.
What concerned me even more, were the many teachings about the fruits of hate that suggests we either become what we hate, or continue to fall victim to it. This was my experience before forgiveness entered the picture. I was continuing to repeat behaviors that were placing me in harm’s way with other relationships long after my dad was sentenced to death row. I was attracted to them and didn’t even know it. Before I could stop repeating these behaviors, I had to forgive.
Back to the question, why was I there? I was faithless at the time, and did not know any better. My dad was the only higher power that I had ever known and I wanted him to love me. I had been raised by a sociopath. I simply did not know any better. With this realization, I was able to forgive myself, but it came with a “catch”. If I am going to forgive myself for the results of being faithless, I came to understand that I could not do it, unless I forgave him for this same faithlessness.
My father lived without any belief in God. He, in fact, is the most unforgiving person I have ever known and I did not want to be like him. This IS what separates me from the sociopath. I have a conscience, compassion, love, and the ability to forgive, but if I do not exercise these gifts I become more like him, not less. Killing him is not the answer, forgiving him is.
My freedom rests in my brothers hands, and if I am unable to forgive him, then I am unable to forgive myself. I do not have to like my brother, stay in a harmful relationship with him, avoid my responsibility to help protect others from him, but if I want my freedom, I do have to forgive him.
Apparently, someone else had this all figured out long before my time here. I just had to be willing to take a closer look at this with a willing heart and open mind.
“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
-The Lord’s Prayer-
Some may feel that there are some crimes that do not warrant forgiveness, but not me. Coming to know God has allowed me to absolutely know that my father’s fate is in God’s hands, not mine. My judgment of my father has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to him, but it has everything to do with what happens to me. Understanding this concept helped open the door of willingness that set me free.
As for my dad, he is a very, very, sick man. I would not want to live in the darkness that he lives in. He is already in hell. I pray for his freedom from hell, not condemn him to it. He is already there. When I pray for him I feel better. I know that God created him so I will trust him to God. And if he is God’s child, then I believe, God must love him.
This may be difficult for some to believe, but I love my father. I do not like him, do not want him free from jail and would not be alone in a room with him, but I do love him. I cannot separate the murder from the Miracles in my life, or my freedom from my experience with my dad. Without one, I do not have the other.
God has already used my father to help me, my family, and many people that I have met over the years. My dad brought me into this world and our experience together resulted in setting me free. Without forgiveness, none of this happens. No, I do not hate or resent him, I am grateful.
I wish he could experience the same freedom and peace that forgiveness offers, but he cannot. He lives in a world he created that is without forgiveness, and without light. I don’t think that you can have one without the other.
In the end, forgiveness did not lead me to “walk away or turn my back” on evil, but allowed me to right the wrongs of the past and fulfill my responsibility to help others find their own freedom. I am now able to help victims of sociopaths, trauma, abuse, and bring awareness to the symptoms of unforgiveness. I also speak to law enforcement groups; victim advocates groups, spiritual organizations, and other groups, including college classes that study the behavior of sociopaths.
I teach A Course in Forgiving and help others, like me, come to terms with childhood trauma, loss and disappointment. Many, just like me, find forgiveness to be the pathway to a peaceful and happy life full of miracles. This is yet another gift of Grace that resulted from simply letting go of the past.
I have yet to see a person that has pursued forgiveness with God’s help disappointed, while on the other hand, those that do not forgive, continue to suffer. This is another fact. You can hear it in the tone of their voices, see it in their faces, their relationships, and feel it in their words.
The act of unforgiveness gives power to the perpetrator to continue to harm us long after the so called crime was committed. Actually, this is only partially true, because to continue to harm ourselves with the past requires our consent, so we become co-conspirators with the perpetrator.
Once this takes hold, we begin to see the world through this filter, bringing our pain, past suffering, and unforgiveness into every relationship that we enter. Not only are we harming ourselves now, but poisoning our current relationships.
When we do not forgive, we condemn ourselves to an emotional prison, not realizing that we have become the ones keeping ourselves hostage. We hold the key to our freedom in our own hands and we do not even know it, because we are blinded by hate, resentment and anger. Forgiveness is the key that will open our eyes and set us free.
In the end, it is self-forgiveness that we are seeking, because with it, comes peace. When I stopped hurting myself with the past and someone else’s deeds, I was freed to clear away the wreckage of the past, forgive and be more useful to others.
When I was resentful, angry and wallowing in self pity believing that I was a victim, I did none of these things. The difference”¦forgiveness. So how could it be that forgiving and loving has resulted in the work that I do today? It is simply this”¦Love is more powerful than evil. Love heals and conquers evil, while hate fuels evil. Forgiveness invites this Love to defeat evil and help heal the world.
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
–Romans 12:20-
Forgiveness should not be confused with passivity and trust. To the contrary, it requires courage, willingness and action. It is an extremely powerful response to darkness. Forgiveness removes the fuel that is required for hate and anger to exist within me.
More importantly, I have no experience with forgiveness without God. There may be examples of this in the world, but I have not seen them. Without trust in something greater than ourselves, I am uncertain how that can be done. I needed to ask Him to show me and teach me, because I do not have the power to do this, He does.
Unforgiveness, for me, is an expression of faithlessness. It expresses an underlying belief that God cannot handle this, therefore “I” need to hold on to it myself because the rest of the universe will forget. It is a complete lack of trust. It is the insane belief that somehow, by holding on to this in my mind, it will change the past, change the person or situation or protect me from future harm.
Fear tells me that if I forgive I will forget and be vulnerable to similar suffering, which is simply not true. The reality is, the act of holding on to resentments or unforgiveness is the very thing that keeps me a prisoner of the dark, while punishing me with the very feelings that “I think” I will avoid by holding on to the past.
The process of forgiveness opens the door to healing, and with it, a relationship beyond all understanding. This is the miracle of it all, that we can have a relationship with Our Creator that includes intimate knowledge of His love for us and an understanding of His will for our lives.
In the end, forgiveness is not something that we give, but something that we accept for ourselves. Once this is done, the giving, or sharing of this gift is automatic.
As for the reader, if you still don’t yet believe in forgiveness, imagine this for just a minute. All those evil things that my father did in his life are now helping people who are suffering to find their way to a loving God that will help them with all of their problems and bring peace and joy into their lives. My dad . . . he wanted to harm people, and now his story is helping people find the very peace that he tried to destroy. He tried to take life and now his story gives it. Forgiveness transformed what “I thought” was attacking me into my special purpose, turning darkness to light.
And if God can transform all of my transgressions into a blessing, then this must be true for all my brothers as well. Now, that’s A Miracle!
Woundlicker
I know that blindness you are talking about. Ten years ago I was told that my ex HP was bragging in the pub that he played mind games with the wife. I didn’t trust the source therefore I dismissed it.
EB. Things happening for a reason. I was thinking about this the other day. Even though I have PTSD and agarophobia from the big reveal I feel that I have a chance at recovery. I was 46 when it happened after 22 years together and it was done only to me and the kids witnessed nothing–therefore it could look like I was the mentally ill one.
Imagine if he had waited another fifteen years to attack. He would have had gained the same pleasure of my dawning horror and pain of what he was revealing to me. I would have been older and because he kept the abuse cleverly hidden he could have convinced people that I was in the stages of dementia.
Only I would have known and I would have been in the deep confusion that they create and this would have fed into the beliefs of my loved ones that I was indeed getting dementia.
What a horrible ending to my life.
So all–the moral of the story is be thankful that we got out before it was too late and we were too old to do something about it.
Doesn’t bear thinking about.
STJ
xxx
Sharing the Journey, well said – had my property sold, the proceeds would have gone into a joint account and I would have been kicked to the curb on HIS terms.
As it was, he was kicked out of the proverbial deviant closet and I found out more about the exspath’s betrayals than I would ever have believed possible simply because of the way that things unfolded.
I am grateful, and I’m working on “moving on.” Of course, I still have my moments of incredible anger towards the exspath – double life as a sexual deviant AND helping himself to private resources without my knowledge?! Well, yeah – that’s what these Things do, and I am grateful EVERY day that I’m moving further and further away from him.
It’s a long road to recovery and healing, but it certainly has its moments of insight and triumph!
HUGS TO ALL!!!
This “forgiveness” topic was in our media earlier this week… The spokesperson of the Catholic Schools, Mieke Van Hecke, had said in an interview that our society is in high need of ‘compassion’; that people deserve ‘second chances’ and that if we were to be consequential we cannot pick who is deserving of our compassion and who isn’t; that we need to be more ‘forgiving’ and that even people who have committed some of hte worst crimes can still be meaningful and have a place in our society. And she gave ‘examples’:
– Kim De Gelder… a young man who had isolated himself from his parents, killed an eldery woman under the disguise of a postman or electrical worker, and then shortly after went on a rampage in a kindergarten by forcibly entering the kindergarten and stab caretakers and babies in their cribs. I don’t think he’s a spath, but either schizoid or psychotic.
– Van Temsche… a young man who bought a gun and went on a killing shooting spree in my city: shooting an islamic women sitting on a bench (she survived), an African babysitter and the child she was babysitting, …
– ex-bishop Vangheluwe who abused his nephews and other children and kept the lid on child abuse in his region by other priests, and who cannot be brought before court unfortunately because it has happened too long ago.
I wanted to write this woman a personal letter after hearing that…
Darwin’s mom, It wouldn’t have done any good to write her, she is so obviously out there in “la la land” that her ideas of giving these people “another chance” is to prove that there is “good in everyone” and we know that is NOT TRUE. We also know that someone who is this far out wanting to let these people out into the population isn’t going to listen to TRUTH….there aRE EVIL PEOPLE who deserve NO second chance. (head shaking here) and BTW “forgiving” them does not mean letting them out of prison.
I actually just did send her an email: a calm, respectful one.
“Dear Mrs. Vanhecke,
I read your controversial interview of last week with great interest, as well as listened to your clarifying declarations.
Up until a year ago I would have shared your opinion. I was raised with the belief that there is good in every human and that we should give others chances, time after time, to help them find their light: certainly with minors, but also adults. I believed this for 37 years and lived by it. Unfortunately I learned this belief was a myth, a myth that is abused by people who wear masks of misunderstood goodness, but enjoy the destruction they cause with family, loved ones and any other person they come into contact with. Note that what follows applies for me solely to adults.
Last year my eyes were opened about psychopathy, sociopathy and other cluster B personality disorders. Although my ex-partner has never been officially diagnozed, he conforms to every characteristic of Hare’s psychopathic check list, and not even in a light form. It is highly probable that with diagnostic research he would have a score of 30 or above out of the maximal 40.
My personal experience with a man of lies and masks were limited to emotional and financial abuse and only for a relative short time (2 years). But it was enough to put my views on society, compassion, forgivance, goodness and multiple chances on its head, and there is no way back. This was very painful at the start. I felt like a young child who had to learn about society, social contacts and people anew. But today I regard it as a strength, because I detect much sooner when people manipulate, are destructive to others, avoid taking responsibility, and accuse others of the mysery they inflicted themselves, and how they try to win people for their causes by playing the victim who deserves yet another chance. It has also given me the strength to act and respond more consequentially with boundary crossing behaviour, even when this is masked.
I learned that some people do not deserve a second chance, that a part of humanity cannot feel empathy, only convincingly fake it for a while. I learned that these people are experts in gaining sympathy from personal contacts by wallowing in being misunderstood and self-mysery by being chased in a witch hunt, without ever really taking or understanding the responsibility of their own abuse, let alone that they can grow emotionally. I learned that the people who aid and help them in their self-mysery and reach out their hand to help them end up with a knife in their backs once they are of no use anymore.
I feel compassion for these people: they will never know or experience the richness of deep emotions, nor true emotional bonds, nor personal development. Alas for them and society, they are physically incapable of it. They will remain mentally and emotionally imprisoned into the mind of a narcistic five-year old for the rest of their lives. They are sick and there is no cure, only a mask to hide their true identity. Exactly because of this though they do not deserve second chances: they are incapable to change and can only be destructive for society, in lesser and bigger degree.
If forgiveness implies ‘letting go and wishing no evil’ to these people then it is within my power to do this. If forgiveness means ‘clean the slate and start afresh’ then I cannot. It seems to me that the last type of forgiveness can only be given by God who can see truly in the heart of men. I, nor others, have such godly powers and it seems blazé towards God to even belief we have alike abilities. The sole thing I can do is watch behaviour and actions and listen to words and judge whether they are in concordance. If they are not then I am capable of judging that I cannot be of fruitful importance and I do have the right to keep such people out of my life and society has the right to isolate them.
Respectfully,
Darwinsmom”
Darwin’s mom, WELL done letter, but my opinion is not that you can’t write well, because you can, with logic and anyone with an OPEN mind would seriously consider what you said, but I don’t think her mind is open.
interesting mention of socipaths in banking, around the 14 minute mark (Graham Notron talk show – comments author, American actor, John Cusack):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGU1Vz2Copk&feature=related
Darwinsmom
I was one of those people with who believed in these myths too. In fact if I hadn’t experienced the disordered I would still be on that path.
Nothing prepared me for the trauma involved.
I think the only way to understand it is to experience it. Other than that it goes way over their heads.
It doesn’t help that it is so difficult to describe.
Great letter
STJ
xxx
Truthspeak
Thanks. If I had said what I had written outside people would think I am loopy with a vivid imagination. i.e Nuts.
Yep-the closet sexual predator was well hidden in a double life. Shocking.
Everyday the yuck sticks to him more and less on me.
Realitybreak as well as heartbreak.
I’m getting there. Just tell myself-keep moving in a positive direction no matter how small. Take my time moving away rather than running now. I’ts safe to think. Damn PTSD–need to get my own pace riding it.
Also forgiveness just does not register on my radar with the spath. I will leave that to God. Acceptance does.
Thanks truthspeak
STJ
xxx
Oxy and STJ,
I did not write with the intention to convince her. She’s the head and spokesperson of the whole of the Catholic Education department in Flanders, and they are more popular than State Schools because of preconceptions. She’s an important, powerful woman, and I doubt she got her position there being a saint. But if she wishes to proclaim what madness she spouted as Christian and Humanistic last week, then I felt I wanted to give her another opinion. What I really did, in a polite and reasonable sounding way was calling it bullshit. Let’s say I was using my right to free speech as much as she did.