It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, “So she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes “should avoid diagnostic labels” and “accentate the postitives.”
There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they have inhereted genes that predispose them to sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. So why should evaluators avoid diagnostic labels and accentuate the positives, I really want to know.
I have come to the conclusion that the only people who are in the position to help change the system are adults whose parents and step parents are sociopaths. These adults know what it is like to grow up with a sociopath.
I spoke with a woman in her 30’s last night. She is just coming to the realization that her mother is a sociopath. She told me that for many years, she blamed herself. The woman said of her mother, “She was the queen of manipulation. She knew how to turn things around and make me feel like I did something wrong.” Sociopaths make psychological mince meat of the adults in their lives, how are children supposed to deal with them?
There is a recent news story out of the UK I would like you to consider. The story illustrates the fact that behind most every fraud there are children. The children are always affected even if they are not drawn in.
Mohammed Rashid is a garage owner in the UK who is accused of large scale insurance fraud. He allegedly faked accidents and filed bogus insurance claims.
According to an article in the Telegraph and Argus, ” Porsche-driving Rashid, known as Mojo, was appointed a state-registered accident claims manager, prosecutor Andrew Kershaw said. He operated from his body repair garage, Autotransform in Spearhead Way, Keighley.”
Mojo had a lady friend, “In the dock with Rashid is Sarah Lowther, 37, of Bradford Road, Keighley, described in court as his partner.” The most disturbing part of the story is that Sarah and Mojo are accused of drawing her three children into the scam. “Mr Kershaw has alleged that she allowed her three children to be schooled into telling a pack of lies about fictitious injuries to a doctor as part of the scam.”
Mojo’s fraud ring also involved other adults, four of whom have already pled guilty.
Now, I don’t know the degree of sociopathy present in Sarah and Mojo, however, the fact is that three children have been drawn into this mess.
I am collecting and documenting stories like this in order to help future parents involved in custody disputes. If you have information about the case of Mojo and Sarah or any other similar case please email me. If you are the adult child of a sociopath we want to hear your story. All information you give us is kept private.
If you are a mother or father whose choice of a sociopath as a step parent for your child was a mistake, forgive yourself. Work hard at healing so you can be the best parent you can be. You can regain the respect of your children and others if you acknowledge your mistakes and make a new life for yourself.
I highly recommend Bill Eddy’s work; here is a link to his website “High Conflict Institute”
http://highconflictinstitute.com/component/option,com_frontpage/Itemid,50/
Bill is an attorney and a therapist. I am an attorney and just attended one of his seminars where he taught attorneys, mediators, family court case workers, mental health professionals and so on. He teaches various approaches to handling cases with people with an array of personality disorders.
Bill has also written several books on being in litigation with people with personality disorders–both divorce/family matters and business disputes. I found the training extremely helpful. Several helpful articles are posted on his website; so there’s some FREE advice to those of us dealing with PD’d or sociopathic ex-spouses over children’s issues.
Pearl,
Thanks for posting this link. I just read a great article on there and will go back and read more.
Donna,
The article refers to some training for Judges and Court Professionals. I wonder if you know about these people. I think you said in the past that this is one of the goals of LF is to educate Judges about Personality Disorders and specifically Sociopaths.
Aloha
It’s unbelievable that in the face of overwhelming evidence a judge, solicitors etc. can be completely swayed and ruled by someone’s personality. My daughters husband had full contol of the whole process. He decided what he wanted and everyone else fell into place.
Hey shattered, maybe that’s because they too are psychos like your EX? Birds of a feather, flock together.
Peace.
pearl
Thanks so much for your link. Great source of information and confirmation!!!
Thanks!
Whole families of these con-people go on for generations with this kind of illegal activities. A convict-friend of my P-son’s is incarcerated for murder, along with 2 of his sibs and his mother for a drug dealing murder. Apparently the only sib that is not involved is one that is a police officer and she will not have contact with any of these family members. My son gave me a “sob” story about this man and I even sent him a small amount of commissary money for a couple of years (about $30 a month) and Bible lessons (which he completed and returned) and wrote letters to him….I realize now that this man was a potential player in my son’s plot to “off” me and if he had gotten out on parole I would have given him a place to live and helped him. Boy, do they know how to smooze you. I received a hand made birthday card that must have taken 40 or 50 hours to contstruct every time my birthday came around, and letters that were so syrupie with grattitude for the commissary money that I could not resist this “idealization”—now, all I can say is “I’m a sucker” for a sob story. After I realized that my son was trying to get me killed I stopped all correspondence with his other Trojan Horse psychopath as well. The man is bright, literate, and very personable…just like my son, and a total waste of Oxygen on this earth. He will probably get out in a few years as he is about the age of my own son, and has been in prison for almost 20 years as well. Even now sometimes I “wonder” did I do this man a disservice by assuming he was another one of my son’s “trojan horses?” What if he is really sincere and wants to be a good citizen when he gets out. With no one to help him, he has very little chance to succeed even if he wanted to….what if my assuming he is like my son keeps him from succeeding?
Well, then reality sets in, and I realize there is no such thing as an EX convict, and especially one that comes from a family of psychopaths and has committed many crimes, and that his lifestyle before incarceration was criminally based. My son’s other P-friend got out and stayed out for 3 years but is back in now, because “ordinary” life wasn’t enough stimulation and risk for him, so he went back to using drugs, abusing his wife, and finally robbery and back to prison without any sense of remorse at all. Just pi$$ed he got caught. But of course, that was someone else’s fault. He is still, too, in communication with my P-son, although communication between inmates is prohibited, I found out about it from reading the letters that my P son wrote to the Trojan Horse psychopath before the TH P’s arrest, and the notation to “not let my mom know about it.” LOL (head shaking here).
Through the years I have met the mothers of some of his cell mates and friends. Some of them are nice people, some are convinced their kids are “innocent” or “got a bad break” or that “it wasn’t as bad as the prosecutor made it seem” (how can murder “not be so bad?”) My introduction into the world of criminal behavior from bright but psychopathic men who were raised mostly in middle class families but chose crime including murder as a way of life.
Suposedly, a person who is a murderer is the least likely to reoffend, but from my own personal observation, if that murder was part of other crimes, they are MORE LIKELY to offend laws, rather than a “murderer” that was a crime of passion but had a law-abiding life otherwise.
Just as WE become “habituated” to accepting abuse, they become “habituated” to a life of crime without any remorse or feeling of doing wrong, or caring.
I am trying to get divorced from my ex-P and it seems impossible! He says one thing and does another. He hasn’t paid his child support is over a month and he hasn’t fulfilled his visitation as planned in our court documents. He was arrested for embezzlement a few months into our separation and there is an attachment on my condo so I can’t sell it or refinance or even let it get foreclosed because it will ruin my credit (the mortgage is in my name, the deed in both names). The payments have gotten out of control because our taxes were rolled into the mortgage because they weren’t paid for a whole year! It is so hard to move on and not get manipulated by a person who you have to deal with so often because he is your children’s father. How do you determine if a P can be a decent father? Is it just a matter of time before he messes up? He moved in with his girlfriend around the time of his arrest and begs to have her present for his visits, which is not allowed. He has cancelled last min at least half of his scheduled visits since we were in court and my lawyer is filing for contempt this week. I guess my question is, before we get back into court what is he capable of as a father? Should I plan for the worst or let his make more mistakes so that I have more concrete evidence to provide to a judge?
princesspants: What a mess.
I suggest that you take a deep breath, focus on what you, and only you can or can’t do with your predicament.
Such a tangled mess that will take years for you to undue what you can … and the rest? Well, the rest will play out … the way it will play out.
Don’t focus on what you thought he was … what he is, anything …. Try to focus on you, and you only.
In the mean time, others will blogg you with what you need to hear … I just know the real mess you are in, because I too, walked in your shoes.
Peace.
Princesspants:
In short, he will never be a good father. It will always be difficult to get him to pay child support. He will never follow the agreements, even the court orders.
You might want to consider getting him to terminate his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. You won’t lose anything because he won’t pay anyway. And you and your child are better off without him in your life.
If you can’t do that, be sure to document everything that happens. You’ll need the proof someday.
My lawyer always asks me for specific examples of how he is an unfit parent, but all I can come up with is what a terrible person/husband he is/was? She asked me if he is capable of caring for the children…feeding, bathing, putting them to sleep, keeping them safe. He has been fine when he actually shows up? Now that he is in contempt I think that is good proof of his inability but I am so confused. Every one says it is better for children to have a relationship with their father even if he isn’t a great person, that they will eventually make there own decisions abut him. I don’t think any physical harm will come to them when they are with him, I fear more the emotional harm that will certainly effect them.