It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, “So she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes “should avoid diagnostic labels” and “accentate the postitives.”
There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they have inhereted genes that predispose them to sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. So why should evaluators avoid diagnostic labels and accentuate the positives, I really want to know.
I have come to the conclusion that the only people who are in the position to help change the system are adults whose parents and step parents are sociopaths. These adults know what it is like to grow up with a sociopath.
I spoke with a woman in her 30’s last night. She is just coming to the realization that her mother is a sociopath. She told me that for many years, she blamed herself. The woman said of her mother, “She was the queen of manipulation. She knew how to turn things around and make me feel like I did something wrong.” Sociopaths make psychological mince meat of the adults in their lives, how are children supposed to deal with them?
There is a recent news story out of the UK I would like you to consider. The story illustrates the fact that behind most every fraud there are children. The children are always affected even if they are not drawn in.
Mohammed Rashid is a garage owner in the UK who is accused of large scale insurance fraud. He allegedly faked accidents and filed bogus insurance claims.
According to an article in the Telegraph and Argus, ” Porsche-driving Rashid, known as Mojo, was appointed a state-registered accident claims manager, prosecutor Andrew Kershaw said. He operated from his body repair garage, Autotransform in Spearhead Way, Keighley.”
Mojo had a lady friend, “In the dock with Rashid is Sarah Lowther, 37, of Bradford Road, Keighley, described in court as his partner.” The most disturbing part of the story is that Sarah and Mojo are accused of drawing her three children into the scam. “Mr Kershaw has alleged that she allowed her three children to be schooled into telling a pack of lies about fictitious injuries to a doctor as part of the scam.”
Mojo’s fraud ring also involved other adults, four of whom have already pled guilty.
Now, I don’t know the degree of sociopathy present in Sarah and Mojo, however, the fact is that three children have been drawn into this mess.
I am collecting and documenting stories like this in order to help future parents involved in custody disputes. If you have information about the case of Mojo and Sarah or any other similar case please email me. If you are the adult child of a sociopath we want to hear your story. All information you give us is kept private.
If you are a mother or father whose choice of a sociopath as a step parent for your child was a mistake, forgive yourself. Work hard at healing so you can be the best parent you can be. You can regain the respect of your children and others if you acknowledge your mistakes and make a new life for yourself.
You should take Ms Anderson’s advice.
As awful as things are financially, I’m sure that getting child support seems like a good idea. In reality it endangers your child’s emotional health and safety.
Take a long view of things. That’s hard right now, but do it anyway. Do some research into what has happened in other child custody cases with an S parent. It’s an eye opener. You really don’t want him to take interest in your child 3, 5 or 10 years from now.
“Every one says it is better for children to have a relationship with their father even if he isn’t a great person, that they will eventually make there own decisions abut him.”
They can have a relationship with him even if parental rights are terminated. The difference is, you can protect them more effectively. What is the rest of his family like? Do the kids have paternal grandparents longing to dote on them? By all means, try to keep as many healthy family connections as possible for the kids and yourself.
What is the difference between “parental rights” and full legal custody?
You need to talk to your lawyer. Personally, I think getting your ex to give up parental rights is unlikely, and that his lawyer and even the judge would advise him against it. Giving up all parental rights means he never has any legal say whatsoever in any decisions concerning his child. The only way he might cooperate is for the benefit of never paying child support again. As long as he has parental rights, he has some parental responsibilities.
If your children’ father still has parental rights, then there are situations when you must consult with him, at least briefly. You can have full legal custody and still have to consult the children’s father if you wanted to put them up for adoption, change their citizenship or God forbid, take them off life support in a worst case scenario.
Talk to your lawyer. Get her to spell out every permutation to you.
Princesspants, Realistically, it is probably going to be difficult to have his parental rights terminated unless he either agrees to it or you have some sort of concrete evidence he is an unfit Father. Courts don’t take the issue of termination of rights lightly.
Short of that, if it were me, I would try to have the custody set up with you having full custody, with him having visitation at very clearly spelled out times. And with the child support I would try to have it set up in the child support order that it is to come directly out of his paycheck and paid to the circuit clerks office to be redistributed to you. I know my former state coud do this, but I don’t know about all of them.
When he misses visitation and calls at the last minute to cancel, some of the time I would just say ok, but every now and then I would sigh and say something like, “Well, I had plans, but maybe I can find a babysitter,” or “well, I wish you had let me know sooner, because now I’ll have to cancel my plans.” If he thinks he is causing you a problem by not showing up to get the kids, he will likely get off on that, and try to cause you even more problems by not showing up to get the kids. You could end up with no visitation or rare visitation without terminating the parental rights. Jen2008
Hi Princesspants,
Please be careful, just let him keep on messing up and not turning up for contact, and maybe, just maybe the court will advice no contact. Do not encourage contact at all.
Take Donna’s advice “You might want to consider getting him to terminate his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. You won’t lose anything because he won’t pay anyway. And you and your child are better off without him in your life.”
All I know for sure is my daughter allowed and probably encouraged contact because she didn’t think he would harm his his own daughter, and as Elizabeth says “Every one says it is better for children to have a relationship with their father even if he isn’t a great person, that they will eventually make there own decisions abut him.”
What a major mistake that turned out to be. He would only see his daughter very occassionaly, maybe 1-2 hours a fortnight, but in that time he worked his magic manipulation and sublte threats. On her first overnight stay, he finalised his brainwashing and she never returned to my daughter. He managed to turn on the ‘feel sorry for me’ to such a degree my granddaughter now appears to hate her own mother and me, even to the point where she laughs as he terrifies the **** out of my daughter by saying he will kill her if she ever gets her daughter back.
She is totally loyal to him, and will not acknowledge anything he does wrong, even though we know she knows, he does drugs, alcohol, crime etc.
He worked on my granddaughter for 6 months, little by little until he achieved his ultimate aim af punishing my daughter, for leaving him in the one way he knew would totally wreck her. B******
I would not wish this on anyone, I am not saying your ex would do this, but realise how low these people will stoop.
To me there are two separate issues here.
1. That which is legally in your best interests.
and
2. The power of family and the ability of love to heal all wounds.
WRT #1: Protect yourself and your children as much as possible.
WRT # 2: You and your child/children may have important relationships in your husband’s family. Perhaps the kids have a grandparent, greatgrandparent, uncle or aunt who has been as devestated by your ex’s sociopathic condition as you have. These people could turn out to be important allies and critical members of the new family you need to build. Don’t count anybody out.
Here’s an example:
I have an acquaintance who married a N/S when she was very young. She had an alcoholic/abusive father, and was used to abuse. When life with her S got rough, she went through a stupid faze. Her behavior was so immature and foolish that it was impossible for the court to figure out who was potentially the better of the two parents. They both looked like complete basket cases.
As a result, she got custody of her son, and he got custody of her infant daughter, in a perverse bargain that would have driven any mother insane. Neither paid child support, which is what the N/S father was angling for. His mother ended up effectively raising the infant daughter, because he certainly wasn’t going to soil his hands with diapers. Grandma turned out to be a wonderful parent for the infant daughter.
My girlfriend pulled her life together while her ex proceeded to make a mess of his. He fathered a half dozen children with different women, all while never holding a steady job. Grandma developed a stronger and more mutually respectful relationship with here ex daughter in law than she had with her badly behaved son. When Grandma’s health failed, the natural person to accept custody of the daughter was the child’s mother, not the child’s father.
Grandma was able to effect this custody shift because she had become a strong advocate for the child and the ex daughter in law. She was fed up with her son’s shenanigans. The son fell in line with his mother’s wishes because he was neck deep in the mess he’d made of his life. He needed to pacify the other mothers of his children and his own mother. None of the other mothers wanted to raise this daughter, and he was too lazy to do a good job. Grandma was ready to testify to that, and he knew it.
After the divorce, there’s the daily business of living and loving. Cement ALL the healthy relationships in your lives with lots of interaction. It’s good for everyone, and can pay huge unexpected dividends.
That’s not legal advice, that’s mental health advice. But as you can see, sometimes they overlap in unexpected ways.
My ex is a white collar criminal whose illegal behavior is just starting to catch up with him. He is very intelligent, handsome and well spoken…and manipulative. I have an awful relationship with his family who have been enabling him his whole life. They are a different race and live a three hour flight away. My ex has a new girlfriend who has filled my shoes and is taking great care of him.
He has a great job right now and his wage assignment should start in the next few weeks? I feel like everything is always on the verge of working out…but then it doesn’t. There is still a possibility of him doing some jail time for the embezzlement charges, but I doubt it. He puts up such a great front.
my ex wife is a sociopath, when she lied on a restraining order to have me kicked out after 18 yrs of marriage, what i thought was the worst day of my life actually turned out to be the best. oh yeah, she wanted to bring in her ex con boyfriend with 5 felonies and 13 yrs younger to live with my sons!, my sons were 12 and 17 at the time, in court she lied and even said she lied on the order just to get me out. in the end i got custody, no thanks to the judge, who was also the judge who did the terry shivo case………falling asleep on me in court!…………she has not seen or talked to our sons in over 10 yrs! how does a mother do that?…………very coldhearted person, now i have to go back to court because she wants to buy a gun! sorry but what does a 55 yr old woman need with a gun?…………..mmmmm must be the drugs……………………