It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, “So she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes “should avoid diagnostic labels” and “accentate the postitives.”
There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they have inhereted genes that predispose them to sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. So why should evaluators avoid diagnostic labels and accentuate the positives, I really want to know.
I have come to the conclusion that the only people who are in the position to help change the system are adults whose parents and step parents are sociopaths. These adults know what it is like to grow up with a sociopath.
I spoke with a woman in her 30’s last night. She is just coming to the realization that her mother is a sociopath. She told me that for many years, she blamed herself. The woman said of her mother, “She was the queen of manipulation. She knew how to turn things around and make me feel like I did something wrong.” Sociopaths make psychological mince meat of the adults in their lives, how are children supposed to deal with them?
There is a recent news story out of the UK I would like you to consider. The story illustrates the fact that behind most every fraud there are children. The children are always affected even if they are not drawn in.
Mohammed Rashid is a garage owner in the UK who is accused of large scale insurance fraud. He allegedly faked accidents and filed bogus insurance claims.
According to an article in the Telegraph and Argus, ” Porsche-driving Rashid, known as Mojo, was appointed a state-registered accident claims manager, prosecutor Andrew Kershaw said. He operated from his body repair garage, Autotransform in Spearhead Way, Keighley.”
Mojo had a lady friend, “In the dock with Rashid is Sarah Lowther, 37, of Bradford Road, Keighley, described in court as his partner.” The most disturbing part of the story is that Sarah and Mojo are accused of drawing her three children into the scam. “Mr Kershaw has alleged that she allowed her three children to be schooled into telling a pack of lies about fictitious injuries to a doctor as part of the scam.”
Mojo’s fraud ring also involved other adults, four of whom have already pled guilty.
Now, I don’t know the degree of sociopathy present in Sarah and Mojo, however, the fact is that three children have been drawn into this mess.
I am collecting and documenting stories like this in order to help future parents involved in custody disputes. If you have information about the case of Mojo and Sarah or any other similar case please email me. If you are the adult child of a sociopath we want to hear your story. All information you give us is kept private.
If you are a mother or father whose choice of a sociopath as a step parent for your child was a mistake, forgive yourself. Work hard at healing so you can be the best parent you can be. You can regain the respect of your children and others if you acknowledge your mistakes and make a new life for yourself.
What kind of mother was she when you were married?
princesspants–first you said “my lawyer is filing for contempt this week” then you said “Now that he is in contempt I think that is good proof”
He is NOT in contempt–your attorney is merely filing a motion for contempt–then you must have a hearing and the court is NOT LIKELY to find contempt on the first allegation. It usually takes 2 or 3 different tries.
You sound like you’re not fully grasping the realities of your x. He will NOT behave like a normal dad. He will NOT pay child support for the next 17-18 years of your child’s life. You already know he doesn’t want to take care of the baby–his behavior has proved that EVEN IF HE TELLS YOU AND THE COURT THAT OF COURSE HE LOVES HIS CHILD AND WANTS CUSTODY.
Mothers of children with dads like this (s/n/p/personality disorder traits) face a different reality from other divorcing mothers. I am both such a mother and an attorney. I’ve learned the hard way and experienced much pain and heartache. I’ve also watched the x hurt my sons (and seen them make excuses for his behavior) which is also painful for me.
Try to learn about the law in your state–read websites of family law attorneys from your state. The websites of many law firms have “education” articles about various topics. Read all that you can. Ask your attorney if she has any articles for you to read. Ask her if she has experience with clients or exspouses who are “high conflict” or have personality disorders.
You must do what is best for you and your child. This is a situation where you can’t rely on “what you heard” or “what everyone says.” “Everyone” doesn’t know the facts of your situation nor are they experts in the law or personality disorders.
You also said “I feel like everything is always on the verge of working out”but then it doesn’t. There is still a possibility of him doing some jail time for the embezzlement charges, but I doubt it. He puts up such a great front.” NOTHING is worked out UNTIL you see a court order or legal document mandating action. EVEN THEN your x is likely to ignore the order (he may comply for a period of time while the current job lasts, then implode). The courts won’t enforce the order then until you and your attorney file for enforcement, have the hearing, etc. It takes time, lots of effort and money.
The bottom line is that it is not likely that you can count on your x for anything but trouble and heartache for the long term.
You may think this sounds harsh. It certainly is not something any mother wants to believe would happen to her. Unfortunately it happens.
Here is a link to an article about personality disorders in family court litigation http://highconflictinstitute.com/content/view/29
The more I learn about this area, the better I am able to cope with my personal situation. Best wishes and press on–you can do it!
Thanks Pearl. I will look at the article now. My attorneys take on things is to get him out of my life asap, finalise the divorce. She thinks if I am protected financially that is most important. I don’t think she grasps the crazy that is my future ex husband. She met him in court a few months ago, but he was on his best behavior. I think she thinks that he is a jerk but needed more evidence that he is an unfit parent. Now that he has not met his obligations for child support and visitation I think she is starting to see the real him. Still she is looking for “proof” to present to the judge. When I try to explain him to people like my lawyer I am not sure of how to do that, if I throw around psych terms like anti social personality disorder or sociopath I feel like people don’t believe me and that I sound a little crazy.
“When I try to explain him to people like my lawyer I am not sure of how to do that, ”
Try the material recommended by Pearl.
After that, remember to make an effort to look reasonable. Your X is putting on a good front. You would be wise not to let yourself seem like a Hystrionic.
Your attorney is working to protect you financially. If I were you, I’d cooperate with her as much as humanly possible. If she can get you out of that mess with your condo, it would be wonderful.
Because psychopaths cannot love, and cannot care for others, the ONLY thing they can do for a child is to mess them up and hurt them. A “less than ideal” father might be better for a child than no father, BUT a PSYCHOPATHIC FATHER/MOTHER is TOXIC to a child. Period. End of discussion (at least in my humble, or not so humble opinion) LOL
Having had a psychopathic father, I can vouch for the fact that they are TOXIC. Mine deserted me until I was 16, but then he came on with the idealization and then went into the devaluation and discarding, just like they ALL DO. I recommend that you keep your children away from the P as much as you can legally do—whatever the “cost” in terms of money.
I also suggest that you go to Dr. Leedom’s site, “Raising the at risk child” and soak in that information as well. Good luck and my prayers are with all the mothers and fathers here who are raising children and trying to keep them safe from the other parent. God bless you all.
Princesspants, I would follow donna’s advise first. I know it’s heart-breaking to think of your children “losing” their father(I’m in a similar boat except it’s mother” . There are many more reasons that this would be best for them. 1. The emotional and mental turmoil caused by them. 2. The consensus amongst the psychological community that there’s a genetic component to personality disorders. Which with a “model” in their life increases your childrens risk for developing problems themselfs. 3. Your ex turning your children against you (for change of custody or some other ploy). At this time I would avoid “telling him how he’s ruined your plans” I understand the logic of this but it will give him (as he believes) power over you. If the new salary kicks in(don’t hold your breath) you can get his support raised and therefore more motivation for him to terminate his parental rights. I believe the best way to do this is through him(not the courts). In the meantime document all the missed visitations. If he is unwilling to terminate his rights then you could pull the “ruined plans” ploy knowing that he will try to ruin your plans even more, then document. Maybe,,? this could possibly be used against you later by him. He could say “so if she thinks I’m such a bad father why is she upset if I don’t take the children” tough call. Like I said, I totally understand the logic but you have to be careful. Bottom line be thankful you’re a woman and have primary custody of your children now. If dad wants out for money or to hurt you He’s not a good father anyways and your children deserve better and you will find better. Best of Luck
Oh, if only I’d found this article when I was, say, 7? That’s when my mother married the abusive narcissistic stepfather. After being on LF for a while, I definitely see some S traits.
One of the hardest things to resolve in my life is my relationship with my mother. Because she stayed with the sociopath till he died at 70, I don’t believe she is truly remorseful about what my sister and I went through that tore us apart from each other and scarred us deeply. I find it hard to truly forgive her. We rarely speak. She is in her 70’s, and I don’t know if I will ever see her again.
I’m have supported my guy throughout his divorcing process and custody battle for his now 8 y.o. son.
I’ve researched the mother’s problem extensively – first at MSN’s NPD site, then found this link today; the mother claims to have Asperger’s Syndrome, since she took an online assessment and has traced the effects from her father thru to her brother and herself and now ascribes the disorder to her other son. HOWEVER, she’s glommed on to the first LEAST “psychologically damaging” unofficial diagnosis of AS, when in fact she meets all 9 DSM-V diagnostic criteria for NPD – I guess she saves face that way.
The link I found today deals with elements of high-conflict divorces from partners with AS – it describes her actions to a “T” to date.
Here’s what I found – perhaps it can help others on this site. The “disorder” is different, but the actions of the disordered remain the same.
CHEERS!
http://www.mediate.com/articles/linehan_s1.cfm
Dear a_real_wife,
I’ve been watching the Asperger’s Syndrome Fad with mild interest and much disgust.
I don’t think it’s a real condition. Here’s why:
1. People with exactly opposite behaviors are lumped into this group. Does that make sense to you? I think it’s hogwash! (Usually the first person to “detect” the “condition” is a public school teacher-an expert-Not!!! Then everyone else hops on board. It’s easy to do, because any behavior that isn’t smack dab in the center of the normal curve is a “symptom”. Bet you’ve got “symptoms”! Nobody’s smack dab in the center of the normal curve 100% of the time. )
2. The increasing frequency of this condition is mind boggling. More and more people, mostly helpless male children, are diagnosed each year. From whence has this “epidemic” come? (Diagnosticians on crack is my pet theory!)
3. The popularity of retro-diagnosing and distance diagnosing historical and prominant citizens. George Bush – Einstein – Mother Teresa? My @55! That’s the clincher as far as I’m concerned.
“Asperger’s” is the latest fad diagnosis, and it’s doing quite a bit of harm.
Tell me: Do the ex-wife’s brother and father know they have “Aspergers”? In most cases I’ve observed, they don’t know, and wouldn’t buy it if they were told.