It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, “So she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes “should avoid diagnostic labels” and “accentate the postitives.”
There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they have inhereted genes that predispose them to sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. So why should evaluators avoid diagnostic labels and accentuate the positives, I really want to know.
I have come to the conclusion that the only people who are in the position to help change the system are adults whose parents and step parents are sociopaths. These adults know what it is like to grow up with a sociopath.
I spoke with a woman in her 30’s last night. She is just coming to the realization that her mother is a sociopath. She told me that for many years, she blamed herself. The woman said of her mother, “She was the queen of manipulation. She knew how to turn things around and make me feel like I did something wrong.” Sociopaths make psychological mince meat of the adults in their lives, how are children supposed to deal with them?
There is a recent news story out of the UK I would like you to consider. The story illustrates the fact that behind most every fraud there are children. The children are always affected even if they are not drawn in.
Mohammed Rashid is a garage owner in the UK who is accused of large scale insurance fraud. He allegedly faked accidents and filed bogus insurance claims.
According to an article in the Telegraph and Argus, ” Porsche-driving Rashid, known as Mojo, was appointed a state-registered accident claims manager, prosecutor Andrew Kershaw said. He operated from his body repair garage, Autotransform in Spearhead Way, Keighley.”
Mojo had a lady friend, “In the dock with Rashid is Sarah Lowther, 37, of Bradford Road, Keighley, described in court as his partner.” The most disturbing part of the story is that Sarah and Mojo are accused of drawing her three children into the scam. “Mr Kershaw has alleged that she allowed her three children to be schooled into telling a pack of lies about fictitious injuries to a doctor as part of the scam.”
Mojo’s fraud ring also involved other adults, four of whom have already pled guilty.
Now, I don’t know the degree of sociopathy present in Sarah and Mojo, however, the fact is that three children have been drawn into this mess.
I am collecting and documenting stories like this in order to help future parents involved in custody disputes. If you have information about the case of Mojo and Sarah or any other similar case please email me. If you are the adult child of a sociopath we want to hear your story. All information you give us is kept private.
If you are a mother or father whose choice of a sociopath as a step parent for your child was a mistake, forgive yourself. Work hard at healing so you can be the best parent you can be. You can regain the respect of your children and others if you acknowledge your mistakes and make a new life for yourself.
Why do people trust my diagnosis? What if I am wrong?
Well, I have to say that I agree with the “diagnosis de jur” concept. Also, no one that I have ever seen is 100% on with every diagnosis’ set of signs and symptoms. If that were the case, we could just have a book that you looked in, listed your symptoms and presto, you had a diagnosis and a treatment. Doesn’t work like that. Nothing is ever “typical” or totally typical anyway. Last year I nearly died from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever—I did not break out, I did not run a high high fever and none of my symptoms were really typical for RMSF, but the blood test definitely showed it up and I knew and had documented a tick bite in an area where it is common.
With mental, emotional etc. diagnosis it is much more difficult to hang a label on some one’s behavior, and especially if you don’t have a clear report of what is going on in their lives. Psychopaths NEVER REPORT THE TRUTH to their care providers, and borderline PDs seldom do, they always put a slant on it that makes them the “victim” not the abuser. Unless you have the entire family involved it is difficult to see the patterns in a clinic visit and sometimes not then.
Star, I empathize with you about our mother, it sounds like to me that your mother is an ENABLER, a toxic one, like my mother, and protects the “family bad guy” at everyone else’s expense. It is next to impossible to change these people, I realized that I couldn’t change mine and she is 79 now and I am NC with her, but at the same time, I had to “forgive her” in other words get the bitterness out of my own heart toward her for ME, NOT FOR HER. But forgiveness doesn’t mean I will ever trust her again, or that we will have a relationship. There has been waaaay too much water under the bridge for me to want a relationship with her or play her games of “let’s pretend none of this ever happened”—not gonna happen, but at least I am for the most part content just to be away from her. If I go anywhere near her the anger comes back, so I know I still have some “work” to do on it, I’m not “cured” and the ability for her to provoke my anger response is proof that I need more work, and probably always will, but at least I am not in severe pain like I was, and I can experience joy–just like right this minute, after two days of dreary rain, the sun just popped out from behind the clouds and the day is beautiful again. Even the rain though, makes me appreciate the sunshine more. Peace.
princesspants:
“Why do people trust my diagnosis? What if I am wrong?”
The short answer is, most people don’t.
Even you question yourself, which strikes me as very rational. Character disorders make absolutely no sense to healthy people, so most will rationalize that “No one could possibly be that bad. Besides, we don’t see the horns, the tail or the red spandex suit!”
People on this blog are more likely to understand what you’re going through, recognize a sociopath and empathize with you. That doesn’t mean there won’t be a few people on the blog who are demonizing others instead of dealing with their own issues. It happens quite a lot.
The facts of your case as you describe them support a diagnosis of “Sociopath”, and it’s to your credit that your delivery is matter of fact, not melodramatic. I’m betting you’re on the right track. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t examine other possible explanations for your Ex’s behavior.
The up side to the “Asperger’s Syndrome” framework is that it doesn’t blame the troubled Ex spouse for his/her acting out. If the framework makes the divorce smoother, it may not matter whether the diagnosis is accurate or not. Contrast that with the Sociopath diagnosis, which is a far more emotionally loaded lable. It’s easy to see how the language you use to describe the problems in relating with the Ex can make a difference in gaining the cooperation of the lawyers, social workers and judge.
I’m reluctant to say that truth doesn’t matter, but the softer the words that deliver hard truths are, the easier they are to accept.
QUOTE: ELIZABETH C:
“the softer the words that deliver hard truths are, the easier they are to accept.”
Princesspants these are such TRUE words that Elizabeth wrote. Most people (I think especially courts and legal people) go with “presentation” over “truth”—-so the more calm, cool and collected you can appear (even when you arent) and the more “sincere” you appear and make the truth “palatible” for them, the more they are likely to believe it.
The melodramatic, even if it is TRUE, turns them off, they just can’t accept some how that people can or will be THAT mean. It doesn’t “make sense” to them emotionally, and so they “discount” your facts and truth.
Look at the OJ case. I never had any doubt from the get go that he did it, it made sense to me, because I knew about psychopaths and domestic violence, but the jury went with an “emotional” verdict not a logical one. I think today most people recognize that he was guilty, and he finally got his JUSTICE for another crime which he was convicted of.
The man is a “card carrying” poster child for psychopaths, and I think every person here (because we know what a psychopath is from personal experience) recognizes what he is, but obviously that jury didn’t.
We “get it” but not everyone, even police or judges or juries can “swallow” that hard truth without choking on a “well there is good in everyone” or “he had a hard life growing up” or some other thing like “he’s mentally ill” etc. so presentation of your story in a non-melodramatic, calm way is I think your best bet. Document, document, and don’t worry about the labels being right or wrong, just concentrate on the behaviors you can prove. I also agree with Elizabeths “if it makes the divorce smoother, it may not matter whether the diagnosis is accurate or not.”
Elizabeth, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders! TOWANDA!
I dont know cause I was ‘nt here yet 🙂 but I believe that Jesus spoke very softly as If he were speaking to a small child ! Wow 🙂 I love it when it comes out before i new it LOVE jere
Jen 2008,
I just read your response to princesspants. and I can not think of a better way to enmesh the children, alienate them and do them lifelong harm. You and PP both need to get some serious counseling to keep from doing more harm to more children.
There are less damaging ways to deal with an ex.
Stan you say there are less damaging ways yet you do not say what they are. I would like to hear what better ways there are for dealing with a psychopathic parent? There is a big difference between dealing with an ex and dealing with a psychopathic ex.
Dear Stan,
Alienation from a psychopath is protection for the child. Unfortuntely, many times a psychopathic parent fakes “normal” emotions for a child, but by definition a psychopath is incapable of love, a child is simply a possession to a psychopathic parent. A psychopath has no concern for the child, but uses the child as a “baseball bat’ to hit the other parent with, totally unconcerned what it does to the child.
A while back a judge ordered Dr. Amy Castillo’s psychophatinc ex husband unsupervised visitation though he had threatened to kill the kids to “get even with her” and guess what—the first time he had them, HE KILLED THEM. Yep, the judge should have listened. But this is not an “isolated” case, damage (physical or emotional) is a given when children are forced to interact with a psychopath is inevitable. I am the child of a psychopath, and believe me I KNOW.
THANK YOU OxD And bloggerT
Jen I thought you reply was right on the money! TOWANDA! LOVE jere
OxD, yes my mother is a classic enabler. I have tried to make peace with her over the years, but every time I have tried to get close to her more resentments have come up. I prayed on this a year or two ago, and the answer I got was to write to her how I felt. So I did. When I got the “get over it” response, I knew I could never be close to her again. It really hurt but at least I know where I stand with her.
After my stepfather died, she married an alcoholic womanizer. He even tried to hit on me during one of my visits. He ended up in jail for soliciting sex from a minor. While in jail he died because he did not get his heart meds. My mother sued the jail and got a settlement of $50,000. She gave me $1000 of this because she’d felt so guilty over never giving me anything in my life (which is true). . I’m sure she will will the $50,000 to her new boyfriend. I don’t even want to know about it. NC is the best for me all the way around.