It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, “So she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes “should avoid diagnostic labels” and “accentate the postitives.”
There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they have inhereted genes that predispose them to sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. So why should evaluators avoid diagnostic labels and accentuate the positives, I really want to know.
I have come to the conclusion that the only people who are in the position to help change the system are adults whose parents and step parents are sociopaths. These adults know what it is like to grow up with a sociopath.
I spoke with a woman in her 30’s last night. She is just coming to the realization that her mother is a sociopath. She told me that for many years, she blamed herself. The woman said of her mother, “She was the queen of manipulation. She knew how to turn things around and make me feel like I did something wrong.” Sociopaths make psychological mince meat of the adults in their lives, how are children supposed to deal with them?
There is a recent news story out of the UK I would like you to consider. The story illustrates the fact that behind most every fraud there are children. The children are always affected even if they are not drawn in.
Mohammed Rashid is a garage owner in the UK who is accused of large scale insurance fraud. He allegedly faked accidents and filed bogus insurance claims.
According to an article in the Telegraph and Argus, ” Porsche-driving Rashid, known as Mojo, was appointed a state-registered accident claims manager, prosecutor Andrew Kershaw said. He operated from his body repair garage, Autotransform in Spearhead Way, Keighley.”
Mojo had a lady friend, “In the dock with Rashid is Sarah Lowther, 37, of Bradford Road, Keighley, described in court as his partner.” The most disturbing part of the story is that Sarah and Mojo are accused of drawing her three children into the scam. “Mr Kershaw has alleged that she allowed her three children to be schooled into telling a pack of lies about fictitious injuries to a doctor as part of the scam.”
Mojo’s fraud ring also involved other adults, four of whom have already pled guilty.
Now, I don’t know the degree of sociopathy present in Sarah and Mojo, however, the fact is that three children have been drawn into this mess.
I am collecting and documenting stories like this in order to help future parents involved in custody disputes. If you have information about the case of Mojo and Sarah or any other similar case please email me. If you are the adult child of a sociopath we want to hear your story. All information you give us is kept private.
If you are a mother or father whose choice of a sociopath as a step parent for your child was a mistake, forgive yourself. Work hard at healing so you can be the best parent you can be. You can regain the respect of your children and others if you acknowledge your mistakes and make a new life for yourself.
Dear Star,
My mother has pretended to be such a “holy” and “true” Christian and has a good front for that. Anyone outside the family that thinks they know her would describe her as a “wonderful, generous Christian lady”–and that is the way she ACTS outside the family, but believe me that is not the truth.
I don’t think I realized just how much my step father kept her “in line” with her behavior, but I do now, in retrospect.
Since his death 4 yrs ago (6 months after my husband died) and things have not been the same since. At first she tried to “recruit” me to be the next generation of enabler, and quite frankly I had fallen in line with her most of the time during my life with a few exceptions, once when she took my P son who was a teeanger in the first part of his criminal career to “give him another chance.” Of course he blew it big time, even stealing from my Step dad who never wanted anything to do with him after that. She did that “taking in” AGAINST my will, and now she says it “wasn’t her” but my step-dad who “wanted to give him another chance.” I am sure she convinced my step dad of that, but after that, he was never convinced.
After my husband died, Mom kept offering me money “if you need it” and I kept refusing because I was not in need, and secondly, I knew instinctively that it was not a “gift” but a PAYMENT on control. Your mom’s gift might have been out of guilt or it also might have been a “control payment.” So that if you ever went against her she could say how “generous” she had been to you. PUKE!
I am my mother’ s only child, and so she more or less “adopted” my sons as her own, and “took control” over them with her enabling and her devaluation of me. Since my DIL also hated me, she fell right in with it and together they pressured my son C (the non-P) to “go along.” I could tell by his face he wasn’t convinced, but he was between a rock and a hard place–his wife and his “perfect” grandmother.
Well, my son C now clearly sees that his “perfect little lady grandmother” is a hypocrit and a bald faced liar and that she would have been happy as a pig in chit if my P-son could have come home and lived with her after he got out of prison, even if it meant that my son C and I both died as a result.
There is a story in the Bible in I and II Samuel in the old testement about King David and his psychopathic son Absalom who revoted against DAvid and caused a war. David eventually won, but his son was killed and he grieved loudly for the young man, not even thanking his people or generals who fought for him. One of the generals confronted King David abot this and said “I perceive that if the young man had lived and we had all died, you would have been well pleased.” David was not a perfect man by any means and had committed many crimes against God, but when he was confronted about his behavior he repented and changed his ways. He SAW that what the general was saying was right. David had been an enabler “delux model” to Absalom andhe knew what the general said was right. He got up, quit screaming about the loss of his son and thanked the people who had sacrificed so much for him.
That story hit home with me because I realized tht MY MOTHER was just like king David—the difference being, that she did NOT REPENT, she JUSTIFIED HERSELF by devaluing me even more. That was when I realized she didn’t love me, had never loved me and would never do anything but wound me more. That was the day I went forever NC.
I catch some hell from some people about that “because she’s your mother”—but you know, they don’t get it and their opinions of my NC don’t matter to me any more. I can validate my own reality in the matter. I don’t need anyone else to validate that I am right. It is good that my two good sons validate it, but even if they didnt that would still be OK.
We have to learn to validate our own reality and not be brought down by other people’s opinions about our actions. No one can tell us what we should or should not do or not do, or feel or not feel. Or think or not think. That’s a big step for me, having been trained that the most important thing in the world was “what the neighbors think.”
I’m learning that what I think is and should be the most important thing to me. I think she is toxic, I think she is hateful, I think she is a bald faced liar so should the fact that she gave birth to me give her a pass to abuse me? NOPE. NC forever.
Oxy, I think if I’d ever had a child, I would not have to worry about my mother controlling him/her. She probably wouldn’t even notice.
My mother was always jealous of me. I applied and got accepted to a program in college to spend a year in Europe. My mother was so jealous that I went. She was always jealous of my stepfather’s attention. He was covertly incestuous of my sister and me, but I was his favorite. My mother used to call me “his little wife.” It never occurred to her that the way he treated us was abusive. He used to get me to side with him when he was having a fight with her. I would do it to get the attention. I was always busy being someone’s “wife”, therapist, or house slave. Fond memories…….. I was hoping to meet a handsome prince at the end of this Cinderella story. Not a crazy psychopath. That’s not how the story is supposed to end.
aND IT DOES NOT END THAT WAY star you aarree not done yet! Big SQuEEEEZEEES
Thanks, Indigo. But I don’t think you will switch teams for me. LOL
Dear Star,
Indi’s right on this one, Star, this is NOT THE END OF THE STORY!
It’s funny though, I was always the one taking care of others. Doing this for them, that for them, fixing this or that. When my “energy” ran OUT and I was on the floor, couldn’t get up, I would write these letters to my P-son BEGGING him to take pity on me and quit making so many demands on my time. Of course all he had to do was sit in his cell all day and think of things for me to order for him, Xerox for him, or mail this or do that or get on the internet and check this or that. Mymother was doing the same thing, wanting me to be her companion, caregiver, maid and driver all day every day.
I was melting down and I kept writing my son and begging him to be patient with me and I would do as much of his stuff as I had time and energy to do. Finally I told him that I was like a willinglittle donkey with a ton of weight on its back, and my legs were flat out on the floor spraddled out and I could NOT GET UP from the weight. I was crying as I wrote the letter and begged him and I got a reply back that said “Mom, you have always been the one to do things, you are JUST NOT TRYING. It is time you got over Dad’s death and started living up to your responsibilities.”
Then, he took those letters that I had written to him trying to convince him I was emotinally wasted, and mailed part of them to my mother to convince her I was CRAZY and VISCIOUS. LOL
Talk about “beating a dead horse” he was sure beating me and recruited my mom to ttake up her own whip to this dead horse.
I actually think my mother was jealous of me too, but because when I came along as the first grandchild on either side of the family, I was the “bell sheep” where her father was concerned. He carried me with him like a “rag doll” from before I could walk. Back when she was little he was struggling post-depression to make a living and keep her fed so he didn’t have as much time for her as he did for me llater when he was financially stable and semi-retired. I think I was in a way a “child ofhis old age” and he doted on me. I think she resented that very much. I was also bonded to her mother as my daily caregiver for the first 3 yrs of my life when after she divorced my bio-father when I was 3 months old, we lived with her parents until she married my step dad when I was 3. When she and my step dad moved to their own home after they married, I really didn’t want to go with them, as my pets and my grandparents were where I wanted to be. Plus, shortly thereafter she went to work and because we didn’t live with my grandparents any more I had to go to day care which I HATED the entire time I was there. I wanted to go back to the farm. I think the main reason she even forced me to go with her was “what would the neighbors think” if she left her kid with her parents to raise. LOL
When I started school, my step dad was coach at a little school about 20 miles away and I went to the school in which he taught and during the ride to and from school each day and being with him after school til mom got home from work, he and I became very close. I look back and I spent much more time with him than I ever did with her. As soon as she got home from work that closeness and happiness “vanished” some how. So I think too that she was jealous of his attention to me, which was never inappropriate.
I wasn’t ever sucked into any quarrels between them, if they did fight (and I’m sure they must have) it was always behind closed doors and out of my ear shot. At least that was a good thing. It is the pits when parents try to recruit the kids in a fight or argument.
Hang in there Star, I’m not going to let my dysfunctional family stop me from enjoying the rest of my life. I’m getting to where when I tell someone (like here) about it, that it is more like the plot of a movie I saw once rather than a big pain or emotional drain. Almost like it happened to someone else, or I am having an “out of body” experience—the pain just isn’t associated with the memories any more. That’s the best part of thehealing road, when you get far enough down it, the pain decreases and you can look back on these chaotic and bad memories and see them, but not FEEL them. If that makes any sense at all. (((hugs)))You are making progress, I can hear it in your posts! PS–what’s the status on your x with the army?
Oxy, I completely agree with your response to Stan. Any father that would forgo visitation with his children to “ruin plans” is not worthy of children in the first place. Besides it’s all on him, not jen or pp. If my ex ever had the chance for the “ruined plans” ploy my response would be”make plans for any day or days you want and I will gladly take her”. I live 50 miles away and for 3 1/2 years driven that every wed and every other weekend to spend time with my daughter. A number of times only to be arrested or served with baseless ex parte orders or fake vacations to deny me parent time.
By the way the comment “so she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” in context came after definitively proving my ex led her children and I to believe she was dying of cancer and that there was going to be a new addition to the family.The irony of the comment left me speechless.
Dear StarG: Compassion! To understand that your mom no longer had a job of caretaker … her children were growing up and learning to flap their wings and fly.
If someone had seen that she was in fear of loosing herself due to her position of caretaker was now over … all she needed at the time was compassion to allow her to step back in her life … and that she could choose another roll that would make her feel worthy again…. some of this pain could have been avoided.
It’s the empty nest syndrome that is a big hurdle for the stay at home parent … what do they do with their time and love now?
Peace.
Thanks, OxD, I keep going through pockets of pain and depression, and it all seems to go back to my mother’s neglect. I have rarely talked about this at all over the years, so none of my friends really know about it. I rarely ever talk about my past at all. When I do, I get the same thing you get, “She’s your mother, you should talk to her”, etc., etc. Most people cannot understand that your mother can be a toxic person in your life.
Wini, there was no empty nest syndrome for my mother. She was glad to get rid of us. She only tried to reach out again after my stepfather died because she didn’t want to be alone. I tried to be close to her, but every time I’d see her, I’d become deeply depressed afterward. I’ve done much better with NC. She is really a bad person. I have compassion for how she got that way. Her mother was the same way. It’s very sad. But I am not strong enough, nor do I feel it is my job to heal her. I also don’t feel obligated to be around narcissists who suck the life out of me just because they are my biological relatives.