It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, “So she’s a liar does that make her a bad mother?” Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes “should avoid diagnostic labels” and “accentate the postitives.”
There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they have inhereted genes that predispose them to sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. So why should evaluators avoid diagnostic labels and accentuate the positives, I really want to know.
I have come to the conclusion that the only people who are in the position to help change the system are adults whose parents and step parents are sociopaths. These adults know what it is like to grow up with a sociopath.
I spoke with a woman in her 30’s last night. She is just coming to the realization that her mother is a sociopath. She told me that for many years, she blamed herself. The woman said of her mother, “She was the queen of manipulation. She knew how to turn things around and make me feel like I did something wrong.” Sociopaths make psychological mince meat of the adults in their lives, how are children supposed to deal with them?
There is a recent news story out of the UK I would like you to consider. The story illustrates the fact that behind most every fraud there are children. The children are always affected even if they are not drawn in.
Mohammed Rashid is a garage owner in the UK who is accused of large scale insurance fraud. He allegedly faked accidents and filed bogus insurance claims.
According to an article in the Telegraph and Argus, ” Porsche-driving Rashid, known as Mojo, was appointed a state-registered accident claims manager, prosecutor Andrew Kershaw said. He operated from his body repair garage, Autotransform in Spearhead Way, Keighley.”
Mojo had a lady friend, “In the dock with Rashid is Sarah Lowther, 37, of Bradford Road, Keighley, described in court as his partner.” The most disturbing part of the story is that Sarah and Mojo are accused of drawing her three children into the scam. “Mr Kershaw has alleged that she allowed her three children to be schooled into telling a pack of lies about fictitious injuries to a doctor as part of the scam.”
Mojo’s fraud ring also involved other adults, four of whom have already pled guilty.
Now, I don’t know the degree of sociopathy present in Sarah and Mojo, however, the fact is that three children have been drawn into this mess.
I am collecting and documenting stories like this in order to help future parents involved in custody disputes. If you have information about the case of Mojo and Sarah or any other similar case please email me. If you are the adult child of a sociopath we want to hear your story. All information you give us is kept private.
If you are a mother or father whose choice of a sociopath as a step parent for your child was a mistake, forgive yourself. Work hard at healing so you can be the best parent you can be. You can regain the respect of your children and others if you acknowledge your mistakes and make a new life for yourself.
Starmist You have it!
Look at other cultures? The Potoricains the Mexicans still live several generations in a house hold . We have two on my street . Their yards are used car lots because they don’t throw it away! they breed like rabbits ! I don’t know why they do this but I suspect they are illeterate and uneducated so they just refuse to use birth control! They are Fat because cheap food is fattening! Lots of starch and fast food! I don’t see them as very happy though! The first encounter with my neighbor was not good ! He Lied from the first breath! His intention was to intimidate me! He failed ! How could you be happy if you live with 15 people and kids where is the peace? Where is the privacy! where is the point! If you make so much and you just stertch the money futher and further no wonder they are not happy!
I am not prejudice until you give me a reason to be! Don’t Bitch because you made yourself miserable! Don’t lie to make yourself sound important! Don’t tell me your relative owns the house when they rent it ! Don’t Steal and call me the bad guy! Because I will find you out! this person has not had one word to say to me since! BUT he can still run his mouth to everyone else and does! Except that they know he is a thief also! that comes from the Man he stole from! LOVE JJ
To All,
The original story posted about mohammed and Sarah using her three children to help in their scamming, IMO should be enough that she should never have unsupervised visitations with her children again. I feel disgusted about what they did to those little children. How can the therapists or caretakers ever undo what these two adult miscreants set in motion for these children? Lies, manipulation and the reward of money would be such powerful tools to instill in their impressionable young minds.
I also went to the link for Bill Eddy’s, High Conflict Institute and though there was a large portion of what I felt was good, sound advice. There was parts that seemed conflicting and others that were extremely narrow. I’m not sure that he has done as good a job as he could mixing law with psychology. The article on High Conflict Personality Definitions is so rigid and backs people so far in a corner that according to the definitions, everyone on this blog who has dared complain of being victimized is the thing they are most repelled by. I feel there is a huge problem with the laws being contradictory, conflicted and nonsensical double speak, which is why it must be terribly frustrating for therapists who want to introduce legislature for change in the courts and have it bastardized, reinterpreted down to where the original meanings are forever lost. Some of his articles left me feeling confused and that is a red flag for me. Dr. Hare’s book never left a moment of confusion in my mind as well as other authors. One thing I found particularly disturbing in his writings was sections on child abuse/ sexual abuse and his litmus test for veracity was the timing with which people come forward with such concerns especially during custody/ divorce litigation…and his recommendation that parents not communicate or discuss suspected sexual abuse with their children once they suspect or have been made aware of incidence (s), they are to immediately start farming their children out to everyone else because the parent can’t be trusted to counsel or comfort their own child properly. What kind of crazy, inhumane crap talk is that? Of course a parent is going to find the best counsellor they can for their child, but that old time worn “no talk rule”, is the worst kind of emotional abandonment and cruel indifference you could hand your child during that type of life changing crisis and victimization. I can’t imagine my mother telling me to save it for the therapists and not speak to her if I had to go to her for emotional, physical safety and validation. What on earth is this man thinking? Just because he is wearing two hats that say therapist and attorney doesn’t give him the almighty right and absolute last word and say so about what the vanguard for response is for people. Children and adults are INDIVIDUAL human beings, each unique and each circumstance different in how it is perceived and internalized. It is never the same, only details in similarities of events that surround and connect people.
Regards, Breach
Dear Inthebreach,
Did you get Dr. Anna Salter’s “Predators” book? If you have not found a copy if you will give your mailing address to Donna and ask her to forward it or your email address to me I will mail you the copy I have. I have read it and used it for reference for the letter I had to write to the parole board for my Trojan Horse Psychopath, I will be glad to send it to you.
To anyone who has children, I recommend this woman’s book as an eye opening informational gold mine on how to protect your children and what to look for in the people around your children. She is an international expert on this subject, and her book Predators is one written in such a way that anyone can understand it, and also get her attitude about what she thinks about the system and how it mishandles victims and their families.
This is a common sense woman and a common sense book.
Hi OxDrover,
I haven’t gotten the book yet. Was going to try to order it last week and didn’t get it done by Wednesday…or was it Tuesday we left for Missouri. It is good to lose track of the days when things are going well! I will contact Donna and give her my address and email for you. I have a couple personal questions I want to ask you that I don’t want to post on the blog. Some things in my personal life you may have some advice on. I think the book I was going to order by Anna Salter had a different name so I may have gotten titles confused. The book you describe sounds like an interesting and valuable source. I would be greatful to read it. Thank you for your kindness and generosity. God’s Blessings, Breach
OxDrover,
I cannot find the proper link to email Donna. Where do I go to email her off the blog?
BReach,
Go to the home page for LF and there is a link there to contact donna there. I’ll be glad to answer any questions I can, and I’ll also be glad to mail you the book. I love books, and I have a tremendous library of really good resource books and I think this is a great one. It isn’t one that I need to keep though, so will be glad to pass it on. I hate for a good book to be on a shelf and not used or consulted so am glad to share. (((hugs))))
OxDrover,
I found the link. Just hope it went through.
I found yesterday an article By Mr Vakin on “Inverted narcissism”, and first I was hit on my head and left completely hopeless. I fulfilled ALL the criteria, even the craving for the relationship, the “feeling whole” and all, and the “feeling at home finally”, the devastation after the end, and the difficulty of letting go. (“You too, Brute?”). I betrayed myself THE WHOLE TIME!!!! It could simply not be! I even wrote to Dr. Leedom. But today I found a second article about it, and there is hope to grow out of it by working with all the pain and taking the resoponsibility. Here are the links. I do not know how reliable the sources are. This Sam Vakin seems not to have a proper psychological education, and the second one seems quite esoteric to me, but the heck they helped me and relieved me, so I cite them anyway. I must not be too choosy with the help offered. Maybe narcissistic leftovers? (I JUST want to be rescued by the world capacity in the field of I do not know yet, but bring him on anyway?) Bottom line: there is hope, but LOTS OF WORK TO DO. What a wonderful beginning of 2009! I wish you all a great year!
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html
http://www.narcissismfree.com/inverted-narcissist.php
Princesspants,
I just found this site through a friend, but wanted to comment on the suggestion Donna made to terminate parental rights. Make sure you check that it is even a possibility in your state. I live in Missouri and the courts will not terminate rights if there is no other man to adopt the child. In essence the courts will not “bastardize” a child. I found this out unfortunately. My ex-P was willing to give up rights, but the court would not allow it.
Libelle and all: Consider Sam Vaknin’s words with caution. He is a narcissist (S/P?) and his “advice,” although some may be informative, may be driven by his own need to set himself up and put others down. Does this sound familiar?