Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.