By | March 19, 2009 108 Comments

Why I don’t ask “why” anymore

By AlohaTraveler


Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.

Why did he ____________________ ?

Why couldn’t he _________________?

Why does he think _______________?

Why can’t he stop _______________?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.

Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…

There’s nothing.

Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”

Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!

The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”

The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.

They do what they do because that is what they do!

Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)

I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!

Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.

It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.

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Hey Aloha:)
This is my first ever post, but I have been reading this wonderful blog for the past three months and I can honestly say that it has saved me:) I have been wanting to write my story about the last two years I have wasted with a sociopath and post it in( I talk to friends, family, but suspect they dont really get what I am banging on about, are kind of bewildered that the revolting little creep that they never really liked anyway has me so crippled, and think I am just a woman scorned who needs to move on) but every time I think about writing about it I kinda resent spending the time on it (him) instead of myself(does that make sense?) I am surprised at how (with the help of this blog – which I dip into every time I start to spiral) it really does get that little bit better every day. a little tiny weeny bit, but still better. I finally cut off all contact a couple of weeks ago after all kinds of weird sympathy attacks ( the children miss you, I am going blind, I have noone to talk to, noone knows me like you do, blah, blah – goodjob huh!?) I feel like a fog has cleared, but now I am on the net phase (still progress so it is good!) with clarity comes the ‘flash backs’, to every single thing that screamed get out to me from begining to end, like someone on here said, its all so much clearer in the rear view mirror. But I find I am dealing with each stomach churning scene as they come along, and they pass and soon they will all have passed. The good thing is (sounds strange) that with each puke inducing one comes a strength for me, the monster is revealing itself but becoming further away and smaller and smaller and less to me, and here I am still wonderful old me same as ever.
I have read about, how being strong and making a success of your life is the best ‘revenge’ , the best two fingers up to the perp you can achieve; the thing that struck me there was that it could still be all about the perp, I want everything I do sucess or faliure to have nothing to do with the perp and just wonderful old me doing what she does.
I love this site and all who post here, the strength and support (passively yes, but powerful) I have drawn from it is utterly priceless.

Ox Drover

Dear Blue Skies, Welcome, and glad you posted. “You know the drill,” if you’ve been reading several months! I am glad you are here, though!!! KEEP ON READING!!!!! THIS IS A HEALING PLACE!


Of course I will keep on reading!! You guys are the crutch and hand holders of this limpy old blue skies!

Ox Drover

Dear Aloha,

GREAT ARTICLE!!!!! SO true, so TRUE!!!!

I’m realizing trying to understand why, even if we could, is an effort in futility, but even more, WHY doesn’t matter. It’s like trying to study a snake and ask “why they bite”–just cause that’s what they do.
Thanks, Aloha!!! (((((hugs))))

Ox Drover

DEa Blue skies!

There are times in our lives when we NEED crutches and hand holders, because we are injured and/or terminally TIRED, so be good to yourself right now, and rest and take care of YOU.

There will come a time when you are strong again, but even the most willing draft animal needs some REST and calm. (((hugs))))

Elizabeth Conley

I think we ask why quite rationally. We hope that through understanding why, we may be able to understand what happened better. We’re bright people. We’ve solved a lot of problems by thinking this way.

We think we may be able to do better next time. Once we realize that “It’s what they do.”, we know what we can do better next time.

We can keep away from Cluster Bs.

Then we study what to look for and how to avoid it.

Sometimes we also have to study the aspects of our personality that make bad relationships look like a good deal to us.

Knowing that “It’s what they do.” frees us in two ways. It lets us stop wondering why. It also let’s us let go of the idea that we could build something good with the S/P/N, or that someone else will succeed where we’ve failed. It’s funny how that last idea bothers us, but it often does.

Any how, why isn’t a bad question. “It’s what they do!” is an excellent answer. It’s all part of pulling ourselves together and moving on.


Hi Everyone – It’s been a while since I posted. I’m still here – and struggling with the “WHY” so this article was perfect timing for me. I have had no contact with him for 4 weeks now. Last weekend, he text me 8 times saying he misses me, says it wasn’t him who robbed my home, says he’s sorry for all the mistakes he’s done, says he will love me always and forever and there will always be a special place in his heart for me. Ok, this shit messes with my head! I didn’t respond, took it STRAIGHT to the police since I have a restraining order against him. The police didn’t do anything…just took the report and said NEXT TIME he contacts you, they’ll arrest him. Well, I got to work on Monday and checked my mail – he had emailed me SIX times – they were emails saying that he opened a new mailbox for me and to click here to send him a message. Ok…well, I didn’t…I printed it all up. One of the emails was an invite to his chat…and there was a conversation posted between HE AND HIS EX WIFE WHOM HE DESPISES. Looks like he’s trying to get back with his ex…ok NOW I really didn’t need to KNOW this! F**cking HURTS!!! This is the WHY I’m asking today. WHY DOES IT STILL HURT???? The man BROKE INTO MY HOME, stole all my stuff, CHEATED on me, etc…I really don’t need to go into all of it…we ALL know what HE DID. SO WHY???

I’ve given all of the emails to the police…tomorrow is court for the restraining order. My friends and I all doubt he will even show up. I’m afraid of what I’ll do if I see him. The police haven’t done a DAMN thing…now they are telling me we may have a hard time convincing the DA about the burglary because he and I had a relationship in the past. SO THAT MAKES IT OK TO BREAK INTO MY HOME AND STEAL FROM ME????

I’m frustrated, hurt, in pain, tired, almost have no fight left in me. Any advice???


Aw, man, DJ I can see why you would be so frustrated, especially with the police. You’re right, just because you dated doesn’t give him the right to break in and steal your stuff. Heck, even if you had things he bought in your house he still doesn’t legally have a right to break in and take anything.

He’s trying to confuse you with the texts and it’s working. He’ll turn on the charm long enough to place a seed of doubt in your mind. Remember Aloha’s dodgeball analogy? He knows he took things too far when it spurred you to file a restraining order. He needs to poke a hole in your armor so you’ll drop the restraining order and relax your guard. He was probably ticked off that you didn’t respond to his texts, which is why you got the email with a conversation between him and his ex. It hurts because you are human, but remember what Oxy told Meg (I think it was Oxy), HE IS A LIE!

I know you’re hurt, but you’ve got to look at things logically, especially tomorrow when you’re in court. He wants you to get upset, he wants you to cry, to rage, to be jealous, he wants you to look crazy so he can look sane. Remind yourself, he isn’t real, he is trying to play you by plucking at your heart strings, and you aren’t going to let him get away with it. Even if your heart is breaking, walk into the court room with your head held high, present the facts, and only the facts. This man has violated your space, your privacy, your rights and continues to harass you.



For me the answer to every “why” question was “to win back that wonderful man I fell in love with.”

When I finally realized that “wonderful man” didn’t exist and had never existed, that was when I started my personal reclamation project. Some days I find he still takes up inordinate amounts of space in my head, and I keep wondering how any human could have played another the way he played me. And then I realize, he isn’t a human. He is the way he is — a one man swarm of locusts consuming and destroying everything in his path.

DJ — didn’t see your post until today. Good luck in court. The advice you got is good. Just stick to the facts.


Midnight – thanks, that makes sense. And Matt, YES, I’ve done that and said that same thing! STILL! All I CAN do is stick to the facts and truth. I have the text messages in my phone and I have printed out the emails. I have the restraining order, and the case numbers. The rest? It’s in God’s hands…I feel sooo powerless.

I am no where near ready to get involved with another relationship. There has been lots of interest shown from others, but I’m like, BACK OFF! NO! HISS HISS!!! I just don’t trust myself in making a good choice…How do I get over THAT? Time??? I feel so stupid, so used, so betrayed. My friend tells me I AM NOT stupid, that I was just loyal, had hopes, had believed in him, and those are not bad qualities at all…she says I gave my ALL, and that’s not bad either. The problem was that I directed it to the WRONG PERSON!

God, this pain sucks…does it ever go away??? Soon??


Welcome blueskies. It’s the best place in town where anyone can ask the why question or any other question. But I’m sure you already know that.. Welcome!


Ox Drover

Dear DJ,

Sugar, it hurts cause you have the ability to love, and to bond. He doesn’t.

Make NOISE to the police and DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU TO THE SIDE…..tell them what you told us, “Just because I HAD in the past a relationship with him does NOT give him the right to threaten me, break into my house and harass me! Do your job and arrest him or I will go to the Attorney General of the state tomorrow. Then if they do not do anything, call the Attorney General’s office.

If they do not do anything then, get them to give you something in WRITING about why they will not do their jobs, then if they refuse to do that, or they do give you something, go to the MEDIA. Call the ACLU, you have a RIGHT to protection from this creek, you have an ORDER, GET IT ENFORCED.

I hope you are feeling better, I know it is difficult for you right now!!!!! Keep us posted and keep coming here and reading and learning about these creeks. You have the “network” behind you—go gett’em SISTER!!!! TOWANDA!!!!


Ox, i had to tell you as i know you gave me some toughlove and i hope i can remember it. The s called lst night as remember i gave him a condition for a change instead of him giving me a condition with everything concerning the cowhide i’ve wanted for years. I was on the phone with someone venting about not knowing if longterm is going to accept my claim and my lawyer who has done nothing much so far with my charges (samples i stole) cashed two cheques that would have meant alot of groceries for me so i was in one prime mood as im stressed to the max over money issues, so thinking it was his daughter trying to call through again (the meth addict i’ve let bleed me dry for years) i said to my gf wait im going to let her have it as i fig ured she was trying the privat number routine, and guess what? Hi Shelly , and before he could say much i said WHAT,”sorry “are you not feeling well” and i said NO IM NOT and hung up. Probably wasn’t the best response and i almost fell back into being the nice girl i was raised to be but i was in such a foul mood with all the stress i’ve been under , two sons alwasy telling me what to do and an ex who hasn’t helped with either of his sons that i actually had too much on my mind to care aobut the cowhide at that moment. I’d be lying if i said it still isn’t weighing on me the phone call but the rude way i treated him was nothing compared to how many rude hang ups when his male friends showed up or some other source was prob calling through. This is the way i look at it , he knew as i told him weeks ago that the cowhide would make me feel better about my house as i haven’t been into decorating in years, don’t feel settled enough in my life so if he really cared about me he would have not waited to see if i caved in and called him. I read where a sure way not to get what you want from a n/p is to tell them what you want and i agree wholeheartedly so he was playing the game as usual trying to call my bluff. The truth is as well that by not calling he made me feel unimportant. He hates to make you happy unless of course you are not giving him attention. I guess it worked out for the best as i didn’t even give him a chance to get to the dam cowhide. It would have made me feel better about my house but not better in the long run as it would have made me think he cares and i know he doesn’t. Sorry to go on so long with this post but i wanted your feedback and hope i forget the whole incident in a few days. love Kindheart


I have been using “They do what they do because that is what they do!” for a long time now… and when that phrase forst stuck with me, it was like you wrote Aloha, FREEDOM…….

Besides.. the quest for the why of it all was like a dog chasing it’s tail…unattainable, a lot of emotional effort wasted on trying to make sense of someone elses craziness……

On a side note… I recently found out that the maiden name of my sicko was totally different then the one she gave me…. so for the whole time I was with her, and the past three years after, I was led to believe that she had a different maiden name then she actually had….The first thing that poped into my head was….why?.. why would anyone lie about their name?…..and of course the answer is…… because that is what she does………..that tidbit of info about my ex-sicko also reinforced the whole complete picture for me..ironicly because it is a totally incomplete picture of someone I spent a part of my life with and I never knew her.. and that is quite literal.

Love and Light




When you mentioned about your ex-S using a different maiden name made me think of my ex-S. He used multiple different emails, variations on his name – basically anything he could do to keep people from tracking him down.

Too bad he can’t cover up the criminal record and the court judgments against him — all public record.

When I finally started to get his number, I used to think how exhausting it would be to live his life. Now? I see that even if his cover was blown, he just didn’t care and it was on to the next lie.


Southernman: Isn’t this your birthday month too!?! If so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.



Pathological lies seem to be a common thread…almost like second nature to them…not only to others..but especially to themselves. As a result of what??? genetic, environment or ….

He would always say “I was joking” or “I was teasing” or “you believed that???” and make it look like it was a joke – when I would catch him. But he never said that in the moment he was doing it. Only when caught.

The answer eludes…

Fleeced Ewe

My children’s LPC gave us some advice that has no price:
THE 4 C’s:
You didn’t Cause it
You can’t Cure it
You can’t Control it
But you can Cope…you do have some power-and the more you use it, the better off you will be. 😉



I believe that she simply lied with no real reason behind it.. for fun. I googled the maiden name and came up with nothing…

I had met her father twice and spent some time with him alone…and at any given time, I could have mentioned the name, but it never came up…You would think my ex would be nervous about me discovering her lie (which is one of many I have found out)… but she was as cool as a cucumber…..She just told lies for fun, with no rhyme or reason behind them…which is also makes good the point that Aloha made here a long time ago…”He/she is the lie”….how true….but I must admit it bothered me for days when I discovered this lie.. because it cuts to the core of the relationship I had with her….. I didn’t even know her real name…..I never knew her… it made my skin crawl and I felt sick at my stomach…..even now.. three years after she slithered out of my life.. it’s the gift that keeps on giving…………

Ox Drover

Dear Kindheart,

If he was offering you (and he is not offering you anything as far as I can tell) THE MONA LISA, it would not be enough to show you that he cared.

WHAT we have in the way of “decor” or anything else is not what makes us FEEL GOOD or happy. Buying things or having someone give us something may feel good for a moment, but no matter how RICH you are or how much STUFF you have, HAPPINESS AND LOVE ARE NOT OBJECTS that can be bought.

You know this man does not love you, so WHY on earth would you want ANYTHING to remind you of him?

My egg donor is an award winning quilter, she has won best of show ribbons and prizes in many STATE wide competitions, she gave me a quilt for Christmas one year, I have no idea how much it was worth in money, but A LOT, and I felt for a while so good….and I had used it on my bed as a cover for several years, well when she DEVALUED me, I picked it up off the bed and I gave it to a gal I know who is a quilt freak. I told her, “here, you have this, I don’t want anything that even reminds me of how she REALLY FEELS About me.” The ITEM no longer had any VALUE to me. It was nothing but a reminder of how little she thought of me.

I can’t understand why you would want ANYTHING to do with him…maybe you and I are just different, but I put up all the photos of my mother (and I had plenty of good ones, I used to be a professional photographer and I love taking and displaying photos) I put them ALL away. I never intend to look at them again. They are boxed up and sealed up and in storage. All the things she had given me over the years that I still had I put away or gave away or threw away. It was like a “cleansing” of my home of anything that reminded me of her. At the time I did this I was really angry and hurt, but you know, I DO NOT want them back, I could get the quilt back from my friend I gave it to, but I do NOT WANT IT.

Over the years my egg donor had given me some cash gifts, I told her that I would donate the EXACT amount of cash she had given me for birthdays, christmas, etc. to a charity in her name. (I did deduct the amount I paid for an attorney to try to get the Troan HOrse psychopathic sex offender out of her house permanently though, afterwards she let him back in, after lying to me that she never would.)

The ONLY thing I have that any one of my Ps gave to me, or made for me, etc. is a pair of custom made boots my P-son made for me. I figure they cost me in the neighborhood of $35,000 for the pair of boots worth $2,500 and they fit so well, I kept them since I figured I paid for them over the years with commissary money and money for him to get into the craft shop and tools for him to learn how to make boots.
But NOTHING they ever “gave” me do I want….I don’t want to be “beholden” to them for anything. I want the debts to be settled between us. I don’t want to owe them anything and I don’t want them to OWE ME. We are done. Finished. Out of each other’s lives. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY you can have peace with these jerks.

As far as “telling them off” or “getting in the last word” it is NOT WORTH IT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT FOREVER!


Oxy, Thanks for the reminder that even telling them off is not worth the contact. I do call the ex’s cell knowing he will never take my call and let loose my frustration via voice mail whenever he makes an appearance in my life. All are things like doctors calling about appointments or things of that nature. He never tries to contact me directly. Just plays nice to Mom so he can look good and so she can relay his life story. Though she knows I hate to hear it. It makes her feel big that while forgetting that he ever had a wife or kids he will chat her up nicely ever time they see each other. I set my heart monitor off last time that I vented to him so it was a powerful reminder that it is not just bad emotionally, psychologically, but physically as well.

Aloha, Thanks for the post. I know longer struggle with Why he…Now it is always Why I… A far more important question and the answer is ever so much more essential for my permanent healing.

DJ, Regardless of the out come you must make a stand for yourself. It will set a precedent for the next victim who stands up to him. Because sooner or later there will be a next victim for him. They do what they do. Better to expose them to the public every chance we get. Make them wolves in wolves clothing instead of having them look like alter boys.

Blueskies, Welcome. It is a good place here. It helps the healing.



I remember the freedom I felt when I read the frog and the scorpion story. Here is a link to one version of it.

Only thing is, usually our scorpions manage to hop on a piece of floating wood and get what they wanted anyway!

I must tell you all I’m feeling so much better! Get busy, get better works, but you can’t get busy until you’ve done a lot of healing. I feel I’m 99.9% healed now.


Here is a great article everyone, I love the last paragraph.

Again, thanks Aloha Traveler, I will reread this one if ever I’m relapsing!


PS What is really working wonders for me is achieving some of my dreams in my life. Challenging, hard work, scary at times, but I’m doing it!


Dear 99.9% Healed – Really good article… especially once learn how to distinguish an offense and a defense — can change ones life forever, And I liked the links within the above counsellingresource link you posted. And your last post is very inspirational!!! Good for you!!! Goodnight all..


Aloha: It helps me to read about other people’s recovery… so thank you very much for your post and for sharing your life with all of us here.


Ox, you are right and i don’t want a reminder of him , it’s just im so used to taking the crumbs it’s all pretty new to me to not be tempted but i am proud of the fact that i didn’t take the bait. Im just taking it one day at a time as it hasn’t been that long that i’ve been in no contact again and i’ve broken it so many times before but this is a good beginnning for me. I’m focusing on a few gentleman that are int even though i’m not ready for a relationship, just looking for friendship but that’s even a good step inn a positive direction. In the past i wouldn’t give anyone the slightest chance, he took up too much headspace. I pray every night that i be able to see clearly what the reality is and im at least starting to see that i want something different than the crumbs that i have been settling for. A few weeks ago i didn’t even think that would be possible. kindheart


justabouthealed: Thanks for the site with Dr. Simon.…..he-victim/

Dr. Simon’s explanation of Covert-aggression is what I believe my EX is.

My EX has built himself a better mouse-trap … better to catch more bees with honey and never to let the mask slip … when he takes off down that road … leaves your life in shambles … you have to find out the horrific truth that you allowed a true monster into your life … to find out everything he ever said from hello to goodbye was a lie (aka killing you with kindness).

I think this type is worse than the outward abusive ones … at least you know where you stand (or fall for that matter … if they are physically abusive). But, they don’t let on … until it’s too late for you (the victim).



Matt and SouthernMan,

M.L. Gallagher wrote the “He is the Lie” article. I tried to find it just now but I couldn’t.

I hope everyone reads her article that is linked to mine. She is of course, my inspiration. My article is not very original.. I was just inspired to repeat what she said that impacted me.. they do what they do because that is what they do!

That is just about as FREEING as “He’s just not that into you!” HAHAHA!

Also, for the readers that have been with us for a long time, it’s fun to read old comments. I just read comments I wrote over a year ago. It’s like I am advising myself.. oh yeah… Good one, Me… Good one.

Also, it’s fun to see “old friends” and remember ones we haven’t heard from in awhile.




Why does it hurt that they’re gone when all they did was hurt us when they were here… wherever “here” may be?

It hurts because of their ability to tap into our hopes and dreams and pretend just long enough to be the thing, the ONE, that would full fill that void called hopes and dreams.

At least that was true for me. I have described before the time period of seducation and intoxication with the Bad Man as the “happiest two weeks of my life.” Though I am doing well and have healed tremendously, and grown, and have evolved from the BM Debacle… I would still describe those two weeks the same way. The hook of “dreams coming true” and all that is so powerful.

My boyfriend now often says “I would never get away with treating you like the BM did!” Right. Absolutely right… but “boyfriend” is not the ultimate seducer like BM was.

Anyway, it does get better with time. Think of the happiest moments you had with your BM and look at what it was that you were getting in that moment from him that you weren’t giving yourself? What ever it is: approval, admiration, devotion, LOVE… what ever it was… that is the thing you need to give youself.

That is just my theory.


Elizabeth Conley

Southernman and Matt,


” I recently found out that the maiden name of my sicko was totally different then the one she gave me”. so for the whole time I was with her, and the past three years after, I was led to believe that she had a different maiden name then she actually had”.The first thing that popped into my head was”.why?.. why would anyone lie about their name?”


“He used multiple different emails, variations on his name – basically anything he could do to keep people from tracking him down.

Too bad he can’t cover up the criminal record and the court judgments against him all public record.

When I finally started to get his number, I used to think how exhausting it would be to live his life. Now? I see that even if his cover was blown, he just didn’t care and it was on to the next lie.”

I think “It’s what they do.” It’s part of the classic modus operandi of the S/P.

I have been posting on a thread in a martial arts forum where a very talented martial artist has become infuriated by the extensive fraud in the bio of another martial artist. He wants to expose the other man’s fraud. I told him, “Ignore it and distance yourself. You’re lucky you have nothing riding on his integrity or lack thereof.” That response sounds weak to him, so he’s confronting the fraudster. I further warned him that this course of action was going to enmesh him in a messy, noisy, crazy brouhaha that was going to last well past the point when both men are wearing false teeth and depends undergarments! I said, “People whose bios are composed of fraud are crazy! Don’t tangle with crazy people if you don’t have to. He’s not going to respond rationally.”

It’s what they do. They compose elaborate fake bios, and they lie about little details, so that tracking the truth is difficult. You wonder why they tell so many lies, until you start to realize that the little lies aren’t really insignificant when you’re trying to figure out what’s true with regard to larger issues.

As Matt legitimately points out, to the normal mind these lies would make life complex, and even miserable. When we try to imagine passing ourselves off as someone we are not, even someone more glamorous than we are, we immediately realize that this would be uncomfortable. Maintaining the facade would be hard work, and would prevent us from getting validation for the person we really are, not to mention connecting with others in a genuine and mutually satisfactory fashion.

The S and P don’t see it that way. If there are enough N characteristics present, they may even set out to punish us for revealing the truth. They can be really successful at this, as anyone who’s ever been smeared or mobbed knows.

“It’s what the do.” is a very helpful insight. Once we catalog “what they do”, we can notice when those “things they do” emerge in the patterns of new acquaintances’ behavior.


To my dear “LoveFraud” family:

Having gone from asking the why questions each day in the beginning I now found myself no longing caring to know the “whys“. Having read until I couldn’t read any more now found myself letting these book collect dust. Funny but just a few days ago I thought about how my life is today and told God just how good he is to me. Not allowing me for want of anything and couldn’t even think of anything I don’t already have to ask him for. So Lord, what else can I say other then “Thank you lord for helping me to become complete”. Having gone from this wreck of a person to that person that now can stand proud among the living is it self a small miracle from above. I am now finishing up my work on a blog site. Here is where anyone who wants will learn all there is to know about what happen and how I survived my ordeal. Hope some of you will visit and I thank God for lovefraud which has always been a “friend in need”. May God bless each and everyone!



Aloha Traveler wrote “My article is not very original”….yes it is! The advice to stop asking “why” and why to do that has been articulated many times. But I think your article puts it succinctly in a new way, and you covered a wide range of scenarios that it applies to. It is PERFECTO! And your career goal is wonderful!


Hi James,

Just stopped your Blog. Your children sound like wise souls to be able to understand that NO CONTACT is the way to emotional and psychological safety.

Good for you and them! May you continue to heal a little more each day.

And thank you for reminding me to thank the LORD for all he has given me.



Thank you so mcu for your article. My first thought this am was, “Why did he disccard me so quickly.. blah, blah” and then my thought was interupted with your, “Because that is what they do.”

Can you all believe that I remember that today is my es N’s little girl’s 6 bday. His only child. And she and I BONDED. We would sing and I would dress up– we both would– like princesses and we would dance and all of that. and yet he could just yank me right out of her life when i had been with her for over a year! No goodbye– no anything. Scumbag!! And he used to say that he was not going to commit to me til he knew I would not run out on he and his daughter– breaking a five years old’s heart. Oh– he would go on and on about what a risk I was– cuz I could leave at anytime and break her heart. What a liar!!!! He yanked me from her life in a milisecond. And I must say– I was fabulous with her.

Here is where I would like some input from you guys.

I have been in NC since Oct. 4th.
do you know that a part of me today– would love to contact him and tell him to wish his little girl a happy bday? Not b/c of her– but b/c I would love for him to remember and think, “Wow– she really did care about my daughter. what an asshole I am for pressing the eject button b/c she made me mad.”
Just an anonymous email or phone message…
no guys, right?
What an evil, evil man.



I have to sign off in a minute but I wanted to say… NO.

Sad isn’t it? But that is the best thing for you and your healing. And he won’t get the message that you are trying to send by making that phone call. So, save your dime and say a prayer for that little girl.

The stuff your ex said to you about not letting you into that little girl’s life… oh so familiar. It’s just a set up. He knows you are good for her. And he knows you are trust worthy. He knows he isn’t.

It’s just a set up because he knows it will mess with your head when he then dumps you later. See? It’s working, isn’t it?

He figures you are out there in the world wondering if it’s true.. that he had to cut you out of that precious child’s life because you are unworthy. Oh how they manipulate us and get under our skin!

So… please… don’t make that call. That is what is best for you. Forge forward with No Contact. You are doing an excellent job. By now, his image in your rear view mirror should be diminishing. Keep going until you reach the vanishing point. *POOF* He’s gone!

All the best to you and your healing!


Meg, I know how you feel and I bet you are having a hard day with it being her birthday and reminding you of how good you were to his daughter. My advice is really and truly, no contact. You are doing it and are well on your way.

He is not capable of remembering/thinking the thoughts you would like him to think about you being a caring person or believing he made a mistake. He is not that kind of person. So you need to stop trying to hope you can do something to make him aware. His only awareness is himself and his only care is himself.

We all face the challenges of birthdays, anniversaries, remembrances, something that jogs our desire to call or email, etc, whether for sentimental reasons or “in your face” reasons…and we only end up opening old wounds that are slowly healing…we end up hurt, and thinking all the wrong things again, basically having to start from scratch again.

Instead maybe do something special for yourself to day in honor of that little girl! And dont look back, he is unhealthy evil and toxic for you. And any interaction with him will ultimately bring you down. Just know you touched her life, and thats all that really matters where shes concerned.

Im glad you didnt write or call. By not doing so, you are showing yourself and him what a healthy and smart person you are!


Aloha and Learn The Lesson–
I don’t know where I’d be without you guys!
Oh– your suport means soo much and makes so much sense. No contact– forver–

much love to you–


Hello again…you probably already know I have fallen off the nc wagon!! And more than that, he is back…Already within the first week, he has threatened to leave again and on being told to go ahead assaulted me in front of the kiis…kids who are happy to have him home, he soon apoloised and now three weeks since he came back I have a serious health scare n the shape of severe weight loss and a lump..under investigation now, think I have let the scare affect my decisions but need him..I know will be burnt again…he was with another woman al over xmas,same one from before, he has dumped her to spite suicide threats from her and admits to using her, which gives me relief and horror at his callousness.


Dear Muldoon, I hope your health scare is just that …a scare. Im sorry you have to go through it, and hope it all turns out to be okay.

I cant skillet you for falling off the wagon, I will leave that up to Oxy 🙂 because sometimes falling off the wagon is something that we each individually have to grasp the reprecussions of contact, firsthand.

Please take care of yourself. Keep posting and let us know of your health findings. May I add, that just because he said he was “using” her — doesnt make it any better.. Its his choices, his choices, his actions, his actions, his lies, his lies, his physical abuse, HIS PHYSICAL ABUSE, and your perfect choice of words…HIS CALLOUSNESS that should give you horror and strength to figure out what is best for you and your childrens long term happiness.

My prayers are with you! Be safe and healthy… ((hugs))


Meg – You have come so far!! Stay STRONG – and hope we all continue to see that they really are toxic in our lives – and bring much chaos to our lives — baby steps, one day at a time. You are doing it Meg! (smile)


Im logging off and just wanted to wish everyone a safe and healthy weekend. Stay strong and believe in yourself – if you had to leave or end a relationship or someone has left your life or if you are questioning the relationship you are presently in — then you know something isnt quite right about it — trust your instinct, your inner voice, your reality. The more you remove yourself from it, the better, but at key times you may find yourself questioning of believing less and less in your convictions and youll have times of questioning whether or not you were wrong or made a mistake — but the truth is in the REALITY of whatever your situation was. Its right there in front of you. The fantasy and the random good parts are not enough to sustain a real healthy strong relationship.

A loving healthy relationship is mostly good and always respectful, positive, non-abusive (emotional or physical) and always with room to grow from disagreeing and allowing different opinions/perspectives – anything less than that – is less than we all deserve! Love yourself, and love others who SHARE AND GIVE iN RETURN their love and friendship with you and make you proud to have them in your life because of their goodness and respect for themselves as well as you!



As you try to work through it all, try to keep coming here and posting as often as possible. Sometimes it is really difficult to break the cycle, so you may get on and fall off that wagon numerous times. I know I certainly did. And try to take care of your health for your sake and your childrens. I’ll keep you in my prayers. –Jen


Welcome blueskies. I am relatively new to this blog too- but have received a lot of strength from all of you. I was “devalued and discarded”- told he didn’t love me and that I was like an “unpaid whore”- this was after 18 months of a relationship were I thought we were lovers and best friends. Then he tells me there is a new woman who he does love and dumps me completely.(8 months ago) Tuesday was my birthday and I took off from work. During the course of the day he left an e-mail and a voice mail at my job wishing me a happy birthday. I am not sure what he was thinking since he had no trouble dumping me without a backward glance and moving on to his new love (or victim as some of you have suggested). I was sort of surprized he even remembered by birthday. Anyway, I did not respond to either the e-mail or voice mail- I’m very proud of myself. And.. for months, I cried in my car on my drive home every day. Recently, I’ve noticed the tears don’t come so easily and some days not at all. I must be healing, however slowly, healing. The support of the people on his site has really helped- really the only people who really get it. Thanks.

Ox Drover

Dear Muldoon,

I have been so worried that you went back to him, as it proved you did. Sometimes it takes several tries before people are finally ready to leave once and for ALL. I won’t even “boink” you on the head with the iron skillet, I am so glad to see you back here!!!! ((((Big Hugs))))) I know the health problem is also a scare too and you probably feel like it is easier to only deal with one problem (your health) but in reality, quite frankly (*you know I don’t pull punches) instead of ONE HEALTH PROBLEM, you will have one health problem PLUS DEALING WITH HIM AND HIS ABUSE. It will be worse, not better, and at the point that you need him and his support the worst, he will be in her arms, not yours. He will be getting her to comfort him because you can’t….BUT THE BIGGEST BESTEST THING IS THAT YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!! I am SO glad you are here my dear dear Muldoon!!! Hugs for you and always prayers!!! Love Oxy


Dear Muldoon,

I went back to the Bad Man against all reason. I had been apart from him for 4.5 months and life was so much more peaceful but at the end.. I moved in with him as my final stand. UGH. It just seems absurd when looking back.

So, we all have struggled with going back, or allowing them back and they never disappoint, do they? In other words, they always return to their bad behaviors and poor treatment of us. And physical abuse… very scary and very concerning.

You know that you deserve better… and if you don’t know, let us tell you. You deserve better than that!

Listen to Oxy. You have a health scare. You need all your energy to deal with that. Typically, an abuser will be more inconvenienced by your health issue than he will be a support. Narcissist can’t be there for us because there is no “us.” There is only them.

So look before you try to lean on his shoulder.. you might hit the ground. OUCH!

Keep reading and checking in here. We will keep an eye out for your posts and pray for you.



Great article. I was really able to move on more easily when I stopped asking why. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why do snakes bite? Granted, my snakes are actually learning not to bite the hand that feeds them. More than I can say for a sociopath. I actually had an epiphany today. I was thinking about the day the S stood me up with no phone call and just blew me off when I tried to contact him. (That was our last conversation–I broke off all contact after that). I kept asking myself why. We had had an intimate night the night before. We both seemed very in love. But I just realized something today, and a light bulb went on. During our last visit, right before he left, we took a walk around my neighborhood holding hands talking about our future. He was talking about how he wanted to marry me and move to wherever I was moving to. I remember during that conversation mentioning to him that I had no money. Ding ding ding! He knew I was a homeowner before but I never talked about my finances. I didn’t think money was an issue for him since the army pays him extremely well, and he had a lot of savings too. But maybe he was planning to go after whatever I had too. That would certainly explain the no-show and sudden withdrawal of contact. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I know that no matter what he could ever say or do, he will be lying about it. His words mean nothing. It’s true for all the S’s.

DJ, the sooner you learn to judge him on his actions and not on his words, the better. They will say whatever to control and manipulate, but they always lie. Look at how he’s treated you. That is the truth of who he is. When dating, I believe we should hit the mute button and observe the person’s actions. Talk is cheap, you know?


In general, if you have a history of being “nice” as I once did, being able to show anger to people is a huge improvement. It is better to be angry at him than to be nice to him. But the best is to just walk away and don’t look back. If he stays in your life, you will continue to go through the cycles of attachment, abuse, rage, denial, etc. The rage will be bottomless because he will never “get it” and he will never change. He will use your feelings against you to hurt you even more. Do you want to keep going through this suffering? Everyone keeps talking about the ultimate revenge against their sociopath. I think the ultimage revenge is no revenge at all. It is just being able to walk away and not care what he thinks about you or what he does.

I know my ex-S probably keeps tabs on me because I’m a high profile personality on my reptile site. But I don’t have any need to make him think anything of me one way or the other. I’m sure he must know I’m still single. I don’t care. I don’t care whether or not he knows how much I’ve suffered over him. I just don’t care about him period. The only thing I care about is that I never see or hear from him again. If he were to ever call me, I probably would just hang up. Or maybe I’d say “wrong number” and hang up if I was feeling really really nice. I have had many opportunities to rage at him. I have never done it once. What would be the point? It would be assuming that he is actually humanlike, which he isn’t. There are genuine people out there who are worth getting angry at.


Stargazer said: “I think the ultimage revenge is no revenge at all. It is just being able to walk away and not care what he thinks about you or what he does.”

Beautifully put words and I agree wholeheatedly.



Hit the mute button.. YES! Or for me, don’t listen to who he said he was but observe whom he really was. I saw who he was being and it didn’t look nice. I can admit that now.


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