By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
I was reading one of the posts about sociopath relationships and something you said struck such a chord i just cried and cried…a good cry…ive been obsessing and i cant stop. its like im trying to find that one piece of information that’ll tell me it was what i think it was…
you wrote something like : you are not alone in obsessing, and wanting to know answers…
i hadnt realized how sad i was at the simple fact that i am sad that i am obsessed…as if the relationship wasnt hurtful enough i hurt myself more by playing it and replaying it and comparing it to info on the web. i wish I loved myself enough to not put myself through it.
i tried explaining the obsession to a friend, i said its the strangest emotion ever. as if i am in love with him and hate him at the same time, to let go of all the anger would also be to let go of the love. there is no logic in it. its maddenning.
Dear Crybebe,
Yep, you are right, we obsess and we ruminate and we mull it over and chew our cuds like a cow….looking at it all and doing it over again and again and again…..but that is part of the healing process. Also if your friend hasn’t experienced this CRAZYMAKING she will not be able to understand why you are just “not getting over it and getting on with your life” but you WILL get over it and get on with your life, just not real fast.
For some reason the BETRAYAL is so HURTFUL that we are not able to “get over it” like a normal break up, even if the break up was painful. the being BETRAYED is sooooooo painful that it takes more work.
It starts out ruminating and questioning ourselves but ends up being about “why did WE fall for this arsehold abuser?”
It starts about HIM/them and ends up being about healing ourselves and becoming immune to them. Stick around and read and learn, be kind to yourself and you will be okay….it isn’t logical, but it will work.
In the meantime, welcome to LF. Glad you are here. God bless.
I’m also through asking why> And am looking for the meaning in it all – it’s essential so we don’t go mad with the randomness of it all. I think now I was targetted because of my high empathy and he is the way he is because he is the way he is. It was nothing I did to provoke his behaviour and he’ll do it to the next victim.
I did quite a bit of reading at Baggage reclaim when I first left, but got a bit tired of the blog author putting lots of blame on the women who hang around these assclowns. Whilst she describes the behaviours and techniques well I have yet to see her talk explicitly about personality disorders, which surprises me to no end. I do seem to recall seeing a comment about narcissism, but nothing about sociopathy or psychopathy. Then again – that’s not the focus of that particular blog. But I felt like screaming out to some of the commenters “He’s a sociopath!!! Run!”
I was fortunate to see a family link with my ex – his mother has the exact same features of pathological lying, compulsive spending etc so I was able to see the future by looking at her behaviour. And she has never changed. She has lost several properties through lying and spending and has ensured that her and her husband’s retirement will be very tough. I actually feel sorry for her husband – he has no idea what she is. Seeing this clear genetic link and the dysfunctional way her behaviour was tolerated allowed me to realise that in his family this behaviour is normal. That’s not what I want from my life.I hope his father comes to his senses and leaves her but I doubt it – he’s too gaslighted and manipulated by her crocodile tears – poor guy.
I’m healing every day and getting stronger in my ability to socialise without shame. I did nothing wrong and was targetted for my good qualities. It has required me too review the elements that made me so vulnerable, i don’t want to become bitter and twisted, but I’m careful now about who I let in my life after this experience.
Polly, it starts off about THEM and what they are, and ends us why WE put up with it. It becomes about US. Sure we stayed when we should have gone if we had had healthy boundaries, but doesn’t mean their behavior was out fault or taht we are to blame for what they did, BUT that said, we did choose to stay when we were in pain. WHY? That we need to find out so we won’t repeat this choice again. Onward and upward! They won’t change, but we can, and we will be safer for understanding why we made some unwise choices.
The BLAME and SHAME should be on them for deliberate meanness though.
Oxy, I believe the main explanation should be that “they” lie, lie, lie. Most of us have no clue that the person we are involved with is lying and manipulating us to get what they want. Most of us don’t even fathom that “others” have ulterior motives/agendas. We believe another because we are honest and we certainly don’t lie and manipulate. We have different mindsets. That of doing for ourselves, not lying and manipulating another to get what we want. With that said … We end up being brought down a road of lies and deception. Living a lie. Believing master/mistress liars and manipulators. It’s only after “they” got what they wanted, their mask slipped, or they take off down the road to the next victim, do we realize we were duped by lies and manipulation. When we can get a sure footing … is when we can figure out some facts versus all the fiction.
If a person is good at lying and manipulation goes hand in hand with lying … they’ve been mastering these techniques since they were children (trial and error testing fields). First with their immediate family, then extended family … neighbors, friends, schools etc. It becomes a way of life for them.
Oxy I found in reflecting on the whole debacle, a good whack of why I stayed was bound up in being literally under a spell. Another good whack of the reason was my committment to being a good Christian and my misinterpretation of God’s word for us as followers of this faith. I didn’t read the scriptures dealing with deception closely enough. I turned th eother cheek repeatedly and forgave till my lips turned blue and tried to support and show a measure of Jesus style love in the hope it would heal him of this terrible thing that was making him behave so badly.
I see now I was hypnotised throughout – Women who love psychopaths spells out this process really well. I was also isolated from anyone who could have helped me and had shockingly low self esteem. I had to go right back to my childhood to find the roots of my people pleasing and the need to rescue. And sure enough the threads were there and still are there in practice with my mother.
Wini you are so right they;ve been doing this their whole lives. They are expert at the game while we were total novices. I had no idea people with this disorder could look outwardly so normal and everyday. I attributed my own honesty and desire for closeness to him and he simply doesn’t operate by those rules. He is a law unto himself and I made the fatal mistake of assuming he was like me and if I lead by example then somehow he would be shamed into doing the right things. INstead I just opened myself up for deeper wounding and more manipulation.
The horror is at the end not being able to tell people about it. They all think he’s such a great guy – so jovial and amiable and why couldn’t I get along with him when he’s so fantastic?? The problem must surely be with me – after all he’s with someone else now while I struggle to build even basic trust and confidence in new friends. It’s an extremely unjust situation. I wish there were more public awareness of this disorder so it became more familiar to everyone out there. Then maybe we would be believed in our regular lives instead of only on this virtual site where we congregate to lick our wounds and celebrate our small successes.
My life is about ME now. I’m still very scarred by what happened, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did when I first realised what he is and that none of the relationship meant anything to him. All those special moments I thought we shared …. I was alone in those and he was laughing at me behind my back at what a great acting job he was doing. Just horrible.
Pollyannanomore, I believe that even though we’ve met people like “them” throughout our lives, we never took them as seriously as we do now. Maybe we just chalked them up as a bad apple to stay clear of. Hence, never getting involved to uncover what they really were. My situation with my bosses and co-workers was different than the romantic attachment with my EX. I was able to sit back and watch my co-workers on a hourly/daily/weekly/yearly basic conduct their underhanded destructive crusades for 24 years. Of course, it was from the business level … that being platonic, no emotional romantic attachments to blind me. I would watch their evil side, then as soon as they created chaos or committed an evil deed, they’d walk back to their work stations and act like nothing happened. All of them wore this mask of sanity so no one (except me) would suspect a thing about any of them. Most of them do get away with the evil they create in the work environment by always having a fall guy/gal to take the blame. We discussed this many times over this blog.
Big difference watching Spaths in their full glory at work where we are with them longer than we are with our loved ones or friends. They go from the illusion of what they portray on a “normal” playing field, to the evil monster that dwells within, back to the sanity illusion.
My fiance, however, totally fooled me. I had absolutely no clue what he was until months after he left. That’s how beaten down I was by my bosses and their numerous cronies. I thought I was in the healthiest of relationships, as this man pretended to be standing by my side during my lawsuit with my managers.
I believe the reasons that most people don’t get, or admit what these monsters are all about is the “stick your head in the sand” … see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil mentality at work here. Naivety. They really can’t see the evil in people, always giving people second, third, fourth chances … looking for the good inside them. Then there’s the … Don’t rock the boat … I saw nothing because I don’t want what I worked for come crashing and burning to the ground. Zip the lip attitudes. (smart). Then it’s because some people are liars and manipulators too. Maybe not on such grand scales as our Exs … but, users and abusers just the same to get their way (within reason) in life. Finally, it’s the bloody spin doctors all over the place … doing damage control … using the “Politically Correct Crap” … dumbing down the masses … at work, in full stream, minute by minute, day by day … year by year convincing most folks (who are busy in their own lives) you didn’t see, hear, taste, feel/touch, etc. what you did?!?!!!!!!!!
Yes, it is difficult to trust others as we heal. I look at new people when we meet and immediately think to myself “now, what does this person want”. Then I watch this new person carefully for about a year or so … to see if what they presented as themselves in our first meeting was true, or is their mask slipping?
I don’t think our EXs were laughing all the time at us. I believe, they got their kicks within the first few hours or days they know their roping us into their lies (ho hum, boring) and con went smoothly. Afterwards, they were able to relax with us (remember, there were other people they were playing when they played us) they knew the trap was set and in place, then it’s business as usual … the need of a roof over their heads, food on the table, a meal ticket, and sex. We are their business. Make no mistake about they do this lifestyle as a business.
Now you can start to comprehend why most want religions knocked out of society as they scam others convincing them that religion is bad, bad, bad. And, people buy this line of baloney. Never to think, if you knock out the folks who ensure people know the difference of right from wrong, ethics, morals etc., who then will ensure these virtues continue?
Here’s a few Truths from Jesus’ word …
It is a lie to say these wicked people are looking for the Light. Scripture reveals just the opposite. God is light (1 John 1:5), and they are not looking for Him. They are renouncing Him (Psalm 10:3-4). They hate Him (Romans 1:18-32). They reject the Light, lest their deeds be exposed (John 3:19-20). That’s the true gospel (John 3:16-21).
It is a lie to say that man “longs” for “goodness”, because Scripture says, “An evil man seeks only rebellion;” (Proverbs 17:11), and “The soul of the wicked desires evil;” (Proverbs 21:10).
Paul’s gospel in Romans 3:11-12 which says, “There is none who seeks after God. They have all turned aside; They have together become unprofitable; There is none who does good, no, not one.” To long for goodness would be doing something which is good. Men without God do no good (Isaiah 64:6; Romans 3:12).
And as we all found out the hard way, no good is what they are all about as they just suck up oxygen as they scamper through life.
Amen.
I just read the “Why” article and it reminded me of my old article. It’s an important lesson to learn that we are not responsible for other people’s behavior. We are not the source of their behavior.
Back when I met the Bad Man, I honestly didn’t know that. I thought if someone was mean or hurt me it was because I caused it. That kind of thinking is what led me to a time when a very disturbed man psychologically abused me while blaming me for his horrible behavior. He stalked me around the island and ruined my tropical dream while I tried everything I could think of to fix the problems that wouldn’t go away.
Today I see that I did fulfill another dream. At the end on my article (from 2009!) I said I wanted to put what I learned to use. And today (and tomorrow and for many more days to come this school year) I will visit classrooms at a high school to deliver “relationship check-up”…. My own version of educating teenagers about recognizing dating abuse and recognizing dangerous exploitive behavior in others.
Thanks for letting me share.
Aloha and happy holidays to all!