By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Hey Aloha:)
This is my first ever post, but I have been reading this wonderful blog for the past three months and I can honestly say that it has saved me:) I have been wanting to write my story about the last two years I have wasted with a sociopath and post it in( I talk to friends, family, but suspect they dont really get what I am banging on about, are kind of bewildered that the revolting little creep that they never really liked anyway has me so crippled, and think I am just a woman scorned who needs to move on) but every time I think about writing about it I kinda resent spending the time on it (him) instead of myself(does that make sense?) I am surprised at how (with the help of this blog – which I dip into every time I start to spiral) it really does get that little bit better every day. a little tiny weeny bit, but still better. I finally cut off all contact a couple of weeks ago after all kinds of weird sympathy attacks ( the children miss you, I am going blind, I have noone to talk to, noone knows me like you do, blah, blah – goodjob huh!?) I feel like a fog has cleared, but now I am on the net phase (still progress so it is good!) with clarity comes the ‘flash backs’, to every single thing that screamed get out to me from begining to end, like someone on here said, its all so much clearer in the rear view mirror. But I find I am dealing with each stomach churning scene as they come along, and they pass and soon they will all have passed. The good thing is (sounds strange) that with each puke inducing one comes a strength for me, the monster is revealing itself but becoming further away and smaller and smaller and less to me, and here I am still wonderful old me same as ever.
I have read about, how being strong and making a success of your life is the best ‘revenge’ , the best two fingers up to the perp you can achieve; the thing that struck me there was that it could still be all about the perp, I want everything I do sucess or faliure to have nothing to do with the perp and just wonderful old me doing what she does.
I love this site and all who post here, the strength and support (passively yes, but powerful) I have drawn from it is utterly priceless.
Dear Blue Skies, Welcome, and glad you posted. “You know the drill,” if you’ve been reading several months! I am glad you are here, though!!! KEEP ON READING!!!!! THIS IS A HEALING PLACE!
Of course I will keep on reading!! You guys are the crutch and hand holders of this limpy old blue skies!
Dear Aloha,
GREAT ARTICLE!!!!! SO true, so TRUE!!!!
I’m realizing trying to understand why, even if we could, is an effort in futility, but even more, WHY doesn’t matter. It’s like trying to study a snake and ask “why they bite”–just cause that’s what they do.
Thanks, Aloha!!! (((((hugs))))
DEa Blue skies!
There are times in our lives when we NEED crutches and hand holders, because we are injured and/or terminally TIRED, so be good to yourself right now, and rest and take care of YOU.
There will come a time when you are strong again, but even the most willing draft animal needs some REST and calm. (((hugs))))
I think we ask why quite rationally. We hope that through understanding why, we may be able to understand what happened better. We’re bright people. We’ve solved a lot of problems by thinking this way.
We think we may be able to do better next time. Once we realize that “It’s what they do.”, we know what we can do better next time.
We can keep away from Cluster Bs.
Then we study what to look for and how to avoid it.
Sometimes we also have to study the aspects of our personality that make bad relationships look like a good deal to us.
Knowing that “It’s what they do.” frees us in two ways. It lets us stop wondering why. It also let’s us let go of the idea that we could build something good with the S/P/N, or that someone else will succeed where we’ve failed. It’s funny how that last idea bothers us, but it often does.
Any how, why isn’t a bad question. “It’s what they do!” is an excellent answer. It’s all part of pulling ourselves together and moving on.
Hi Everyone – It’s been a while since I posted. I’m still here – and struggling with the “WHY” so this article was perfect timing for me. I have had no contact with him for 4 weeks now. Last weekend, he text me 8 times saying he misses me, says it wasn’t him who robbed my home, says he’s sorry for all the mistakes he’s done, says he will love me always and forever and there will always be a special place in his heart for me. Ok, this shit messes with my head! I didn’t respond, took it STRAIGHT to the police since I have a restraining order against him. The police didn’t do anything…just took the report and said NEXT TIME he contacts you, they’ll arrest him. Well, I got to work on Monday and checked my mail – he had emailed me SIX times – they were emails saying that he opened a new mailbox for me and to click here to send him a message. Ok…well, I didn’t…I printed it all up. One of the emails was an invite to his chat…and there was a conversation posted between HE AND HIS EX WIFE WHOM HE DESPISES. Looks like he’s trying to get back with his ex…ok NOW I really didn’t need to KNOW this! F**cking HURTS!!! This is the WHY I’m asking today. WHY DOES IT STILL HURT???? The man BROKE INTO MY HOME, stole all my stuff, CHEATED on me, etc…I really don’t need to go into all of it…we ALL know what HE DID. SO WHY???
I’ve given all of the emails to the police…tomorrow is court for the restraining order. My friends and I all doubt he will even show up. I’m afraid of what I’ll do if I see him. The police haven’t done a DAMN thing…now they are telling me we may have a hard time convincing the DA about the burglary because he and I had a relationship in the past. SO THAT MAKES IT OK TO BREAK INTO MY HOME AND STEAL FROM ME????
I’m frustrated, hurt, in pain, tired, almost have no fight left in me. Any advice???
Aw, man, DJ I can see why you would be so frustrated, especially with the police. You’re right, just because you dated doesn’t give him the right to break in and steal your stuff. Heck, even if you had things he bought in your house he still doesn’t legally have a right to break in and take anything.
He’s trying to confuse you with the texts and it’s working. He’ll turn on the charm long enough to place a seed of doubt in your mind. Remember Aloha’s dodgeball analogy? He knows he took things too far when it spurred you to file a restraining order. He needs to poke a hole in your armor so you’ll drop the restraining order and relax your guard. He was probably ticked off that you didn’t respond to his texts, which is why you got the email with a conversation between him and his ex. It hurts because you are human, but remember what Oxy told Meg (I think it was Oxy), HE IS A LIE!
I know you’re hurt, but you’ve got to look at things logically, especially tomorrow when you’re in court. He wants you to get upset, he wants you to cry, to rage, to be jealous, he wants you to look crazy so he can look sane. Remind yourself, he isn’t real, he is trying to play you by plucking at your heart strings, and you aren’t going to let him get away with it. Even if your heart is breaking, walk into the court room with your head held high, present the facts, and only the facts. This man has violated your space, your privacy, your rights and continues to harass you.
AlohaTraveler:
For me the answer to every “why” question was “to win back that wonderful man I fell in love with.”
When I finally realized that “wonderful man” didn’t exist and had never existed, that was when I started my personal reclamation project. Some days I find he still takes up inordinate amounts of space in my head, and I keep wondering how any human could have played another the way he played me. And then I realize, he isn’t a human. He is the way he is — a one man swarm of locusts consuming and destroying everything in his path.
DJ — didn’t see your post until today. Good luck in court. The advice you got is good. Just stick to the facts.
Midnight – thanks, that makes sense. And Matt, YES, I’ve done that and said that same thing! STILL! All I CAN do is stick to the facts and truth. I have the text messages in my phone and I have printed out the emails. I have the restraining order, and the case numbers. The rest? It’s in God’s hands…I feel sooo powerless.
I am no where near ready to get involved with another relationship. There has been lots of interest shown from others, but I’m like, BACK OFF! NO! HISS HISS!!! I just don’t trust myself in making a good choice…How do I get over THAT? Time??? I feel so stupid, so used, so betrayed. My friend tells me I AM NOT stupid, that I was just loyal, had hopes, had believed in him, and those are not bad qualities at all…she says I gave my ALL, and that’s not bad either. The problem was that I directed it to the WRONG PERSON!
God, this pain sucks…does it ever go away??? Soon??