By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
The sleepless night I have had and continue to have asking why and wondering, Ive spent hours wondering, what i said or did or didnt do..wat made him the way he is..looking to excuse the inexcusable…
Me too! Made it at least a 20 hour a week job for myself!!!!!!!!!!!
In the end, we just have to decide what is our business and what is not. I realized I was not doing a good job of taking care of ME. That is my business. Fixing him, understanding him, is not.
Here is a great article, though it is about dealing with ordinary scum. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-in-the-head-of-mr-unavailables-and-assclowns-if-i-was-that-bad-she-wouldnt-be-with-me/ there are other great articles there too.
Thnks for link justabouthealed…I know what you mean about whats our business…if a dog bit me I wouldnt care much to find out why..just thta it bit me would suffice.
I must be a glutton for punishment..or maybe its weak as they..socio’s think we are?
No, I think it is just so HARD to believe that someone has NO EMPATHY, NO CONSCIENCE…etc….that we keep thinking we must have something wrong! But NO! They ARE just that bad.
Also, because they can have some good traits (even a rattlesnake has a beautiful pattern), I was back and forth, back and forth…..is he a good guy, is he a bad guy, s he a good guy, is he a bad guy, s he a good guy, is he a bad guy.
Did this dog just have a bad day? Did he just get kicked? Will he ever bite me again? Did he really mean to just nip? Or maybe he was going to just give me a lick and he got startled? or maybe I just remind him of his bad previous owner? Surely if I just sit here quietly and show him I love him? I’ll just give him a gentle pet…GOD! MY HAND IS GONE!!!!
Ah well. Dogs are easier to get the message from, even if it takes a few bites.
Justabouthealed…love the site link you sent…already right in it..learning and absorbing it..brilliant site.
Just read the women who talk and talk post…God its me and him, and puit in such a way…its impossible not to see it exactly as the post says..I feel like I have learnt more again after thought knew it all.
Me too when I went to that site! Everyone it is http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
sorry to be a broken record about it, but great articles for a certain point in the healing I think!
its brilliant…language and analogies are all so straight forward you HAVE to understand.
Dear Muldoon,
You know, I have noticed this time when you started posting, you don’t sound like you did when you first started posting, back when things were so chaotic. YOu sound more “with it” and “calmer” and STRONGER.
BTW, how is your health? When you were here last time you were worried about some problems. ARE YOU OK?
I am glad lyou are getting stronger, sometimes it takes several “goes” at it to get them out of your life for GOOD. Just like quitting smoking or quitting drinking etc. it takes a try or two to get it down. hang in there, I think you will make it this time….((((hugs)))) Oxy
hey oxy…yes although I dont like it, know it isnt good and wish wasnt happening, he has lost his shock value, although hoped things be ok, I guess in heart always knew would not be ok…Rod Stewart sung, “The first cut is the deepest” and thats true, the first time he went off and abused me was devestating as time went ion it still hurt but not like the first few times…same with the women, the fist ime, couldnt sleep or eat or fuction.now it pisses me and hrts a little but the heart is tougher..Im kind of immunised against the worst of the effects due to repeated exposure.
Health had tumour removed and told to stop smoking and 100% cured howeever keep smoking and its odds on it will return and maybe this time wont be so lucky…yes IM still smoking more than ever…
Yes. I used to ask “why” all the time too. After two years of NC I have found that the “whys” have been replaced with, because he’s an assclown. I think that asking “why” is a sign that you are still in denial. It is a way of convincing yourself that if you could just get a handle on his unacceptable behavior you could some how control it; that you could still get the happy ending you want. You can’t. Please remember the three “c”s. You didn’t cause you cant control it and you can’t cure it. Once you get your mind around that you realize the relationship is doomed and you might as well take care of you. I stayed in my P relationship for seven years, even though he wouldn’t work, let me work graveyard shifts and doubles to pay the rent, stole the electric bill money out of my purse, broke a rib, blackened an eye, abandoned me on at least three occasions when we were evicted, due to unpaid back rent. The last time I ended up in a shelter. He went to a buddies house and partied, began talking up his next target. I finally told him this was it. If he left me like this again, I never wanted to see him, talk to him, hear from him again. He has, on a few occasions tried to contact me, leaving a birthday card for me at a mutual freinds house. I have to say, this NC is the only response I had left. It is the only response that said anything. Nothing I said in the past meant anything to him. He did what ever he @.......%$& well pleased always knowing I would take him back. Sometimes I took him back out of absolute exhaustion. He would stalk me, call me, show up on my doorstep, leave cards and messages with friends. At other times, after throwing him out, I would return from work and find that He had removed the window unit AC , climbed on in and was standing in my front room. I was scared to death of losing my place, but ultimatly, it was ablessing. I ended up in a shelter for a short time and he couldn’t get to me. I had prayed and prayed for help. Sometimes the lord does move in mysterious ways. I am so very grateful to be free of him, and also very very grateful that nothing worse happened. He has a new girlfriend,now from what I understand, and although I feel for her, all I can say is thank God it’s not me. (I just heard a rumor that He slept with Her daughter.) I have to admit , I haven’t gotten past wanting to hear the trash on him. Maybe next year. Thank You all for letting me share. Hope everybodies doing great today.