By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Welcome blueskies. It’s the best place in town where anyone can ask the why question or any other question. But I’m sure you already know that.. Welcome!
🙂
Dear DJ,
Sugar, it hurts cause you have the ability to love, and to bond. He doesn’t.
Make NOISE to the police and DO NOT LET THEM PUSH YOU TO THE SIDE…..tell them what you told us, “Just because I HAD in the past a relationship with him does NOT give him the right to threaten me, break into my house and harass me! Do your job and arrest him or I will go to the Attorney General of the state tomorrow. Then if they do not do anything, call the Attorney General’s office.
If they do not do anything then, get them to give you something in WRITING about why they will not do their jobs, then if they refuse to do that, or they do give you something, go to the MEDIA. Call the ACLU, you have a RIGHT to protection from this creek, you have an ORDER, GET IT ENFORCED.
I hope you are feeling better, I know it is difficult for you right now!!!!! Keep us posted and keep coming here and reading and learning about these creeks. You have the “network” behind you—go gett’em SISTER!!!! TOWANDA!!!!
Ox, i had to tell you as i know you gave me some toughlove and i hope i can remember it. The s called lst night as remember i gave him a condition for a change instead of him giving me a condition with everything concerning the cowhide i’ve wanted for years. I was on the phone with someone venting about not knowing if longterm is going to accept my claim and my lawyer who has done nothing much so far with my charges (samples i stole) cashed two cheques that would have meant alot of groceries for me so i was in one prime mood as im stressed to the max over money issues, so thinking it was his daughter trying to call through again (the meth addict i’ve let bleed me dry for years) i said to my gf wait im going to let her have it as i fig ured she was trying the privat number routine, and guess what? Hi Shelly , and before he could say much i said WHAT,”sorry “are you not feeling well” and i said NO IM NOT and hung up. Probably wasn’t the best response and i almost fell back into being the nice girl i was raised to be but i was in such a foul mood with all the stress i’ve been under , two sons alwasy telling me what to do and an ex who hasn’t helped with either of his sons that i actually had too much on my mind to care aobut the cowhide at that moment. I’d be lying if i said it still isn’t weighing on me the phone call but the rude way i treated him was nothing compared to how many rude hang ups when his male friends showed up or some other source was prob calling through. This is the way i look at it , he knew as i told him weeks ago that the cowhide would make me feel better about my house as i haven’t been into decorating in years, don’t feel settled enough in my life so if he really cared about me he would have not waited to see if i caved in and called him. I read where a sure way not to get what you want from a n/p is to tell them what you want and i agree wholeheartedly so he was playing the game as usual trying to call my bluff. The truth is as well that by not calling he made me feel unimportant. He hates to make you happy unless of course you are not giving him attention. I guess it worked out for the best as i didn’t even give him a chance to get to the dam cowhide. It would have made me feel better about my house but not better in the long run as it would have made me think he cares and i know he doesn’t. Sorry to go on so long with this post but i wanted your feedback and hope i forget the whole incident in a few days. love Kindheart
I have been using “They do what they do because that is what they do!” for a long time now… and when that phrase forst stuck with me, it was like you wrote Aloha, FREEDOM…….
Besides.. the quest for the why of it all was like a dog chasing it’s tail…unattainable, a lot of emotional effort wasted on trying to make sense of someone elses craziness……
On a side note… I recently found out that the maiden name of my sicko was totally different then the one she gave me…. so for the whole time I was with her, and the past three years after, I was led to believe that she had a different maiden name then she actually had….The first thing that poped into my head was….why?.. why would anyone lie about their name?…..and of course the answer is…… because that is what she does………..that tidbit of info about my ex-sicko also reinforced the whole complete picture for me..ironicly because it is a totally incomplete picture of someone I spent a part of my life with and I never knew her.. and that is quite literal.
Love and Light
~R~
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429
southernman429:
When you mentioned about your ex-S using a different maiden name made me think of my ex-S. He used multiple different emails, variations on his name – basically anything he could do to keep people from tracking him down.
Too bad he can’t cover up the criminal record and the court judgments against him — all public record.
When I finally started to get his number, I used to think how exhausting it would be to live his life. Now? I see that even if his cover was blown, he just didn’t care and it was on to the next lie.
Southernman: Isn’t this your birthday month too!?! If so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Peace.
Pathological lies seem to be a common thread…almost like second nature to them…not only to others..but especially to themselves. As a result of what??? genetic, environment or ….
He would always say “I was joking” or “I was teasing” or “you believed that???” and make it look like it was a joke – when I would catch him. But he never said that in the moment he was doing it. Only when caught.
The answer eludes…
My children’s LPC gave us some advice that has no price:
THE 4 C’s:
You didn’t Cause it
You can’t Cure it
You can’t Control it
But you can Cope…you do have some power-and the more you use it, the better off you will be. 😉
Matt…
I believe that she simply lied with no real reason behind it.. for fun. I googled the maiden name and came up with nothing…
I had met her father twice and spent some time with him alone…and at any given time, I could have mentioned the name, but it never came up…You would think my ex would be nervous about me discovering her lie (which is one of many I have found out)… but she was as cool as a cucumber…..She just told lies for fun, with no rhyme or reason behind them…which is also makes good the point that Aloha made here a long time ago…”He/she is the lie”….how true….but I must admit it bothered me for days when I discovered this lie.. because it cuts to the core of the relationship I had with her….. I didn’t even know her real name…..I never knew her… it made my skin crawl and I felt sick at my stomach…..even now.. three years after she slithered out of my life.. it’s the gift that keeps on giving…………
Dear Kindheart,
If he was offering you (and he is not offering you anything as far as I can tell) THE MONA LISA, it would not be enough to show you that he cared.
WHAT we have in the way of “decor” or anything else is not what makes us FEEL GOOD or happy. Buying things or having someone give us something may feel good for a moment, but no matter how RICH you are or how much STUFF you have, HAPPINESS AND LOVE ARE NOT OBJECTS that can be bought.
You know this man does not love you, so WHY on earth would you want ANYTHING to remind you of him?
My egg donor is an award winning quilter, she has won best of show ribbons and prizes in many STATE wide competitions, she gave me a quilt for Christmas one year, I have no idea how much it was worth in money, but A LOT, and I felt for a while so good….and I had used it on my bed as a cover for several years, well when she DEVALUED me, I picked it up off the bed and I gave it to a gal I know who is a quilt freak. I told her, “here, you have this, I don’t want anything that even reminds me of how she REALLY FEELS About me.” The ITEM no longer had any VALUE to me. It was nothing but a reminder of how little she thought of me.
I can’t understand why you would want ANYTHING to do with him…maybe you and I are just different, but I put up all the photos of my mother (and I had plenty of good ones, I used to be a professional photographer and I love taking and displaying photos) I put them ALL away. I never intend to look at them again. They are boxed up and sealed up and in storage. All the things she had given me over the years that I still had I put away or gave away or threw away. It was like a “cleansing” of my home of anything that reminded me of her. At the time I did this I was really angry and hurt, but you know, I DO NOT want them back, I could get the quilt back from my friend I gave it to, but I do NOT WANT IT.
Over the years my egg donor had given me some cash gifts, I told her that I would donate the EXACT amount of cash she had given me for birthdays, christmas, etc. to a charity in her name. (I did deduct the amount I paid for an attorney to try to get the Troan HOrse psychopathic sex offender out of her house permanently though, afterwards she let him back in, after lying to me that she never would.)
The ONLY thing I have that any one of my Ps gave to me, or made for me, etc. is a pair of custom made boots my P-son made for me. I figure they cost me in the neighborhood of $35,000 for the pair of boots worth $2,500 and they fit so well, I kept them since I figured I paid for them over the years with commissary money and money for him to get into the craft shop and tools for him to learn how to make boots.
But NOTHING they ever “gave” me do I want….I don’t want to be “beholden” to them for anything. I want the debts to be settled between us. I don’t want to owe them anything and I don’t want them to OWE ME. We are done. Finished. Out of each other’s lives. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY you can have peace with these jerks.
As far as “telling them off” or “getting in the last word” it is NOT WORTH IT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT FOREVER!