By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Oxy, Thanks for the reminder that even telling them off is not worth the contact. I do call the ex’s cell knowing he will never take my call and let loose my frustration via voice mail whenever he makes an appearance in my life. All are things like doctors calling about appointments or things of that nature. He never tries to contact me directly. Just plays nice to Mom so he can look good and so she can relay his life story. Though she knows I hate to hear it. It makes her feel big that while forgetting that he ever had a wife or kids he will chat her up nicely ever time they see each other. I set my heart monitor off last time that I vented to him so it was a powerful reminder that it is not just bad emotionally, psychologically, but physically as well.
Aloha, Thanks for the post. I know longer struggle with Why he…Now it is always Why I… A far more important question and the answer is ever so much more essential for my permanent healing.
DJ, Regardless of the out come you must make a stand for yourself. It will set a precedent for the next victim who stands up to him. Because sooner or later there will be a next victim for him. They do what they do. Better to expose them to the public every chance we get. Make them wolves in wolves clothing instead of having them look like alter boys.
Blueskies, Welcome. It is a good place here. It helps the healing.
Aloha Traveler….PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT!
I remember the freedom I felt when I read the frog and the scorpion story. Here is a link to one version of it.
http://allaboutfrogs.org/stories/scorpion.html
Only thing is, usually our scorpions manage to hop on a piece of floating wood and get what they wanted anyway!
I must tell you all I’m feeling so much better! Get busy, get better works, but you can’t get busy until you’ve done a lot of healing. I feel I’m 99.9% healed now.
Here is a great article everyone, I love the last paragraph.
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/03/16/playing-the-victim/
Again, thanks Aloha Traveler, I will reread this one if ever I’m relapsing!
PS What is really working wonders for me is achieving some of my dreams in my life. Challenging, hard work, scary at times, but I’m doing it!
Dear 99.9% Healed – Really good article… especially once learn how to distinguish an offense and a defense — can change ones life forever, And I liked the links within the above counsellingresource link you posted. And your last post is very inspirational!!! Good for you!!! Goodnight all..
Aloha: It helps me to read about other people’s recovery… so thank you very much for your post and for sharing your life with all of us here.
Ox, you are right and i don’t want a reminder of him , it’s just im so used to taking the crumbs it’s all pretty new to me to not be tempted but i am proud of the fact that i didn’t take the bait. Im just taking it one day at a time as it hasn’t been that long that i’ve been in no contact again and i’ve broken it so many times before but this is a good beginnning for me. I’m focusing on a few gentleman that are int even though i’m not ready for a relationship, just looking for friendship but that’s even a good step inn a positive direction. In the past i wouldn’t give anyone the slightest chance, he took up too much headspace. I pray every night that i be able to see clearly what the reality is and im at least starting to see that i want something different than the crumbs that i have been settling for. A few weeks ago i didn’t even think that would be possible. kindheart
justabouthealed: Thanks for the site with Dr. Simon.
http://counsellingresource.com…..he-victim/
Dr. Simon’s explanation of Covert-aggression is what I believe my EX is.
My EX has built himself a better mouse-trap … better to catch more bees with honey and never to let the mask slip … when he takes off down that road … leaves your life in shambles … you have to find out the horrific truth that you allowed a true monster into your life … to find out everything he ever said from hello to goodbye was a lie (aka killing you with kindness).
I think this type is worse than the outward abusive ones … at least you know where you stand (or fall for that matter … if they are physically abusive). But, they don’t let on … until it’s too late for you (the victim).
Peace.
Matt and SouthernMan,
M.L. Gallagher wrote the “He is the Lie” article. I tried to find it just now but I couldn’t.
I hope everyone reads her article that is linked to mine. She is of course, my inspiration. My article is not very original.. I was just inspired to repeat what she said that impacted me.. they do what they do because that is what they do!
That is just about as FREEING as “He’s just not that into you!” HAHAHA!
Also, for the readers that have been with us for a long time, it’s fun to read old comments. I just read comments I wrote over a year ago. It’s like I am advising myself.. oh yeah… Good one, Me… Good one.
Also, it’s fun to see “old friends” and remember ones we haven’t heard from in awhile.
:o)
Aloha
DJHere2
Why does it hurt that they’re gone when all they did was hurt us when they were here… wherever “here” may be?
It hurts because of their ability to tap into our hopes and dreams and pretend just long enough to be the thing, the ONE, that would full fill that void called hopes and dreams.
At least that was true for me. I have described before the time period of seducation and intoxication with the Bad Man as the “happiest two weeks of my life.” Though I am doing well and have healed tremendously, and grown, and have evolved from the BM Debacle… I would still describe those two weeks the same way. The hook of “dreams coming true” and all that is so powerful.
My boyfriend now often says “I would never get away with treating you like the BM did!” Right. Absolutely right… but “boyfriend” is not the ultimate seducer like BM was.
Anyway, it does get better with time. Think of the happiest moments you had with your BM and look at what it was that you were getting in that moment from him that you weren’t giving yourself? What ever it is: approval, admiration, devotion, LOVE… what ever it was… that is the thing you need to give youself.
That is just my theory.
:o)