By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Southernman and Matt,
Southernman:
” I recently found out that the maiden name of my sicko was totally different then the one she gave me”. so for the whole time I was with her, and the past three years after, I was led to believe that she had a different maiden name then she actually had”.The first thing that popped into my head was”.why?.. why would anyone lie about their name?”
Matt:
“He used multiple different emails, variations on his name – basically anything he could do to keep people from tracking him down.
Too bad he can’t cover up the criminal record and the court judgments against him all public record.
When I finally started to get his number, I used to think how exhausting it would be to live his life. Now? I see that even if his cover was blown, he just didn’t care and it was on to the next lie.”
I think “It’s what they do.” It’s part of the classic modus operandi of the S/P.
I have been posting on a thread in a martial arts forum where a very talented martial artist has become infuriated by the extensive fraud in the bio of another martial artist. He wants to expose the other man’s fraud. I told him, “Ignore it and distance yourself. You’re lucky you have nothing riding on his integrity or lack thereof.” That response sounds weak to him, so he’s confronting the fraudster. I further warned him that this course of action was going to enmesh him in a messy, noisy, crazy brouhaha that was going to last well past the point when both men are wearing false teeth and depends undergarments! I said, “People whose bios are composed of fraud are crazy! Don’t tangle with crazy people if you don’t have to. He’s not going to respond rationally.”
It’s what they do. They compose elaborate fake bios, and they lie about little details, so that tracking the truth is difficult. You wonder why they tell so many lies, until you start to realize that the little lies aren’t really insignificant when you’re trying to figure out what’s true with regard to larger issues.
As Matt legitimately points out, to the normal mind these lies would make life complex, and even miserable. When we try to imagine passing ourselves off as someone we are not, even someone more glamorous than we are, we immediately realize that this would be uncomfortable. Maintaining the facade would be hard work, and would prevent us from getting validation for the person we really are, not to mention connecting with others in a genuine and mutually satisfactory fashion.
The S and P don’t see it that way. If there are enough N characteristics present, they may even set out to punish us for revealing the truth. They can be really successful at this, as anyone who’s ever been smeared or mobbed knows.
“It’s what the do.” is a very helpful insight. Once we catalog “what they do”, we can notice when those “things they do” emerge in the patterns of new acquaintances’ behavior.
To my dear “LoveFraud” family:
Having gone from asking the why questions each day in the beginning I now found myself no longing caring to know the “whys“. Having read until I couldn’t read any more now found myself letting these book collect dust. Funny but just a few days ago I thought about how my life is today and told God just how good he is to me. Not allowing me for want of anything and couldn’t even think of anything I don’t already have to ask him for. So Lord, what else can I say other then “Thank you lord for helping me to become complete”. Having gone from this wreck of a person to that person that now can stand proud among the living is it self a small miracle from above. I am now finishing up my work on a blog site. Here is where anyone who wants will learn all there is to know about what happen and how I survived my ordeal. Hope some of you will visit and I thank God for lovefraud which has always been a “friend in need”. May God bless each and everyone!
James
http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Aloha Traveler wrote “My article is not very original”….yes it is! The advice to stop asking “why” and why to do that has been articulated many times. But I think your article puts it succinctly in a new way, and you covered a wide range of scenarios that it applies to. It is PERFECTO! And your career goal is wonderful!
Hi James,
Just stopped your Blog. Your children sound like wise souls to be able to understand that NO CONTACT is the way to emotional and psychological safety.
Good for you and them! May you continue to heal a little more each day.
And thank you for reminding me to thank the LORD for all he has given me.
Aloha
ALOHA–
Thank you so mcu for your article. My first thought this am was, “Why did he disccard me so quickly.. blah, blah” and then my thought was interupted with your, “Because that is what they do.”
Can you all believe that I remember that today is my es N’s little girl’s 6 bday. His only child. And she and I BONDED. We would sing and I would dress up– we both would– like princesses and we would dance and all of that. and yet he could just yank me right out of her life when i had been with her for over a year! No goodbye– no anything. Scumbag!! And he used to say that he was not going to commit to me til he knew I would not run out on he and his daughter– breaking a five years old’s heart. Oh– he would go on and on about what a risk I was– cuz I could leave at anytime and break her heart. What a liar!!!! He yanked me from her life in a milisecond. And I must say– I was fabulous with her.
Here is where I would like some input from you guys.
I have been in NC since Oct. 4th.
do you know that a part of me today– would love to contact him and tell him to wish his little girl a happy bday? Not b/c of her– but b/c I would love for him to remember and think, “Wow– she really did care about my daughter. what an asshole I am for pressing the eject button b/c she made me mad.”
Just an anonymous email or phone message…
no guys, right?
What an evil, evil man.
akitameg,
I have to sign off in a minute but I wanted to say… NO.
Sad isn’t it? But that is the best thing for you and your healing. And he won’t get the message that you are trying to send by making that phone call. So, save your dime and say a prayer for that little girl.
The stuff your ex said to you about not letting you into that little girl’s life… oh so familiar. It’s just a set up. He knows you are good for her. And he knows you are trust worthy. He knows he isn’t.
It’s just a set up because he knows it will mess with your head when he then dumps you later. See? It’s working, isn’t it?
He figures you are out there in the world wondering if it’s true.. that he had to cut you out of that precious child’s life because you are unworthy. Oh how they manipulate us and get under our skin!
So… please… don’t make that call. That is what is best for you. Forge forward with No Contact. You are doing an excellent job. By now, his image in your rear view mirror should be diminishing. Keep going until you reach the vanishing point. *POOF* He’s gone!
All the best to you and your healing!
Meg, I know how you feel and I bet you are having a hard day with it being her birthday and reminding you of how good you were to his daughter. My advice is really and truly, no contact. You are doing it and are well on your way.
He is not capable of remembering/thinking the thoughts you would like him to think about you being a caring person or believing he made a mistake. He is not that kind of person. So you need to stop trying to hope you can do something to make him aware. His only awareness is himself and his only care is himself.
We all face the challenges of birthdays, anniversaries, remembrances, something that jogs our desire to call or email, etc, whether for sentimental reasons or “in your face” reasons…and we only end up opening old wounds that are slowly healing…we end up hurt, and thinking all the wrong things again, basically having to start from scratch again.
Instead maybe do something special for yourself to day in honor of that little girl! And dont look back, he is unhealthy evil and toxic for you. And any interaction with him will ultimately bring you down. Just know you touched her life, and thats all that really matters where shes concerned.
Im glad you didnt write or call. By not doing so, you are showing yourself and him what a healthy and smart person you are!
Aloha and Learn The Lesson–
I don’t know where I’d be without you guys!
Oh– your suport means soo much and makes so much sense. No contact– forver–
much love to you–
Hello again…you probably already know I have fallen off the nc wagon!! And more than that, he is back…Already within the first week, he has threatened to leave again and on being told to go ahead assaulted me in front of the kiis…kids who are happy to have him home, he soon apoloised and now three weeks since he came back I have a serious health scare n the shape of severe weight loss and a lump..under investigation now, think I have let the scare affect my decisions but need him..I know will be burnt again…he was with another woman al over xmas,same one from before, he has dumped her to spite suicide threats from her and admits to using her, which gives me relief and horror at his callousness.
Dear Muldoon, I hope your health scare is just that …a scare. Im sorry you have to go through it, and hope it all turns out to be okay.
I cant skillet you for falling off the wagon, I will leave that up to Oxy 🙂 because sometimes falling off the wagon is something that we each individually have to grasp the reprecussions of contact, firsthand.
Please take care of yourself. Keep posting and let us know of your health findings. May I add, that just because he said he was “using” her — doesnt make it any better.. Its his choices, his choices, his actions, his actions, his lies, his lies, his physical abuse, HIS PHYSICAL ABUSE, and your perfect choice of words…HIS CALLOUSNESS that should give you horror and strength to figure out what is best for you and your childrens long term happiness.
My prayers are with you! Be safe and healthy… ((hugs))