By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Meg – You have come so far!! Stay STRONG – and hope we all continue to see that they really are toxic in our lives – and bring much chaos to our lives — baby steps, one day at a time. You are doing it Meg! (smile)
Im logging off and just wanted to wish everyone a safe and healthy weekend. Stay strong and believe in yourself – if you had to leave or end a relationship or someone has left your life or if you are questioning the relationship you are presently in — then you know something isnt quite right about it — trust your instinct, your inner voice, your reality. The more you remove yourself from it, the better, but at key times you may find yourself questioning of believing less and less in your convictions and youll have times of questioning whether or not you were wrong or made a mistake — but the truth is in the REALITY of whatever your situation was. Its right there in front of you. The fantasy and the random good parts are not enough to sustain a real healthy strong relationship.
A loving healthy relationship is mostly good and always respectful, positive, non-abusive (emotional or physical) and always with room to grow from disagreeing and allowing different opinions/perspectives – anything less than that – is less than we all deserve! Love yourself, and love others who SHARE AND GIVE iN RETURN their love and friendship with you and make you proud to have them in your life because of their goodness and respect for themselves as well as you!
Muldoon,
As you try to work through it all, try to keep coming here and posting as often as possible. Sometimes it is really difficult to break the cycle, so you may get on and fall off that wagon numerous times. I know I certainly did. And try to take care of your health for your sake and your childrens. I’ll keep you in my prayers. –Jen
Welcome blueskies. I am relatively new to this blog too- but have received a lot of strength from all of you. I was “devalued and discarded”- told he didn’t love me and that I was like an “unpaid whore”- this was after 18 months of a relationship were I thought we were lovers and best friends. Then he tells me there is a new woman who he does love and dumps me completely.(8 months ago) Tuesday was my birthday and I took off from work. During the course of the day he left an e-mail and a voice mail at my job wishing me a happy birthday. I am not sure what he was thinking since he had no trouble dumping me without a backward glance and moving on to his new love (or victim as some of you have suggested). I was sort of surprized he even remembered by birthday. Anyway, I did not respond to either the e-mail or voice mail- I’m very proud of myself. And.. for months, I cried in my car on my drive home every day. Recently, I’ve noticed the tears don’t come so easily and some days not at all. I must be healing, however slowly, healing. The support of the people on his site has really helped- really the only people who really get it. Thanks.
Dear Muldoon,
I have been so worried that you went back to him, as it proved you did. Sometimes it takes several tries before people are finally ready to leave once and for ALL. I won’t even “boink” you on the head with the iron skillet, I am so glad to see you back here!!!! ((((Big Hugs))))) I know the health problem is also a scare too and you probably feel like it is easier to only deal with one problem (your health) but in reality, quite frankly (*you know I don’t pull punches) instead of ONE HEALTH PROBLEM, you will have one health problem PLUS DEALING WITH HIM AND HIS ABUSE. It will be worse, not better, and at the point that you need him and his support the worst, he will be in her arms, not yours. He will be getting her to comfort him because you can’t….BUT THE BIGGEST BESTEST THING IS THAT YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!! I am SO glad you are here my dear dear Muldoon!!! Hugs for you and always prayers!!! Love Oxy
Dear Muldoon,
I went back to the Bad Man against all reason. I had been apart from him for 4.5 months and life was so much more peaceful but at the end.. I moved in with him as my final stand. UGH. It just seems absurd when looking back.
So, we all have struggled with going back, or allowing them back and they never disappoint, do they? In other words, they always return to their bad behaviors and poor treatment of us. And physical abuse… very scary and very concerning.
You know that you deserve better… and if you don’t know, let us tell you. You deserve better than that!
Listen to Oxy. You have a health scare. You need all your energy to deal with that. Typically, an abuser will be more inconvenienced by your health issue than he will be a support. Narcissist can’t be there for us because there is no “us.” There is only them.
So look before you try to lean on his shoulder.. you might hit the ground. OUCH!
Keep reading and checking in here. We will keep an eye out for your posts and pray for you.
Aloha
AlohaTraveler,
Great article. I was really able to move on more easily when I stopped asking why. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why do snakes bite? Granted, my snakes are actually learning not to bite the hand that feeds them. More than I can say for a sociopath. I actually had an epiphany today. I was thinking about the day the S stood me up with no phone call and just blew me off when I tried to contact him. (That was our last conversation–I broke off all contact after that). I kept asking myself why. We had had an intimate night the night before. We both seemed very in love. But I just realized something today, and a light bulb went on. During our last visit, right before he left, we took a walk around my neighborhood holding hands talking about our future. He was talking about how he wanted to marry me and move to wherever I was moving to. I remember during that conversation mentioning to him that I had no money. Ding ding ding! He knew I was a homeowner before but I never talked about my finances. I didn’t think money was an issue for him since the army pays him extremely well, and he had a lot of savings too. But maybe he was planning to go after whatever I had too. That would certainly explain the no-show and sudden withdrawal of contact. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I know that no matter what he could ever say or do, he will be lying about it. His words mean nothing. It’s true for all the S’s.
DJ, the sooner you learn to judge him on his actions and not on his words, the better. They will say whatever to control and manipulate, but they always lie. Look at how he’s treated you. That is the truth of who he is. When dating, I believe we should hit the mute button and observe the person’s actions. Talk is cheap, you know?
Kindheart,
In general, if you have a history of being “nice” as I once did, being able to show anger to people is a huge improvement. It is better to be angry at him than to be nice to him. But the best is to just walk away and don’t look back. If he stays in your life, you will continue to go through the cycles of attachment, abuse, rage, denial, etc. The rage will be bottomless because he will never “get it” and he will never change. He will use your feelings against you to hurt you even more. Do you want to keep going through this suffering? Everyone keeps talking about the ultimate revenge against their sociopath. I think the ultimage revenge is no revenge at all. It is just being able to walk away and not care what he thinks about you or what he does.
I know my ex-S probably keeps tabs on me because I’m a high profile personality on my reptile site. But I don’t have any need to make him think anything of me one way or the other. I’m sure he must know I’m still single. I don’t care. I don’t care whether or not he knows how much I’ve suffered over him. I just don’t care about him period. The only thing I care about is that I never see or hear from him again. If he were to ever call me, I probably would just hang up. Or maybe I’d say “wrong number” and hang up if I was feeling really really nice. I have had many opportunities to rage at him. I have never done it once. What would be the point? It would be assuming that he is actually humanlike, which he isn’t. There are genuine people out there who are worth getting angry at.
Stargazer said: “I think the ultimage revenge is no revenge at all. It is just being able to walk away and not care what he thinks about you or what he does.”
Beautifully put words and I agree wholeheatedly.
Stargazer,
Hit the mute button.. YES! Or for me, don’t listen to who he said he was but observe whom he really was. I saw who he was being and it didn’t look nice. I can admit that now.
Snakes..