By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Star, Thanks for the reminder that raging doesn’t help. FYI to everyone, neither does crying, begging, pleading, rational conversation, or any other ways of attempting to communicate or convey feelings of any sort. Feelings is a foreign language one they don’t speak, don’t want to speak, and are incapable of learning to speak.
Muldoon, I’m sort of new here and also fighting health issues. He won’t help you and may hurt you. It will definitely suck energy from you better put toward healing yourself physically and emotionally. Your kids need you to put them and yourself first. You don’t have the ability to handle him while you are ill. He really needs to go. If not for you, do it for the kids.
Meg, You sound better. So happy to she you lighter and brighter. Your crown is polished and straight. How are the dancing shoes? LOL! I just went through the B-day thing with the ex. Left a message for her on the answering machine when I knew she was home from school screening calls and he was at work. Told her it was the last call but that none of this was her fault etc.. I suggest giving a gift in her name to a children’s charity. That is what I plan to do each year. If ever the child contacts me in the future as an adult, I will have that to show her that she was never forgotten. Best to stay NC always. Though easier said than done, I know.
Blindsided. Bravo! Way to be strong. I’m sure he contacts all the ex’s on their b-days to see who will break and be ripe for the picking again. Way to keep him out of your fruit tree.
akitameg,
No contact FOREVER! YAY!
Good Night Oxy.
Dear Muldoon and LF boggers – I was at one year no contact march 12th – has been a very long year. I dont even remember spring of 08 and spring is my favorite time of year. Muldoon during my 3 year relationship with the X I kicked him out 5 times and took him back four. I remember being so embarrassed when the people I had told in the past how glad I was he was gone would look at me when I told them he was back and we were really going to make it work this time. So don’t beat yourself up Muldoon, and just be greatful for the knowledge and support you have found at love fraud. I think even when we know what is happening entelectually, we are still in the fog they have created. These actor’s really f–k with our minds big time and the damage they do is so big and it takes the cap off all the garbage of our lives up to this point. I want to puke when I say this, but he was a blessing…I now know so much about me and now understand boundaries and have clarity. Damn I have worked so hard at this life lesson, when at times I thought just ending it would be the best. I can now compartmentalize (x) – it was all an act he does, a desperate act of being human, scared to death we will see it is an act and see that they don’t know how to feel life so they act it instead. But they all get tired of the role they have picked and look for a new stage to shine on. A new victim that does not see, does not want to see what they so desperatley try to hide. THEY JUST DO WHAT THEY DO BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY DO. They are in meat suit’s (human bodys) and like a tick they attach to us and suck the life out of us and when we become weak from not enuff blood they detach and find a new supply. Like Oxy says – they never comfort us – they are all about being comforted. And there is no reason to contact them – none – nada – zilch…no contact is the only weapon we have against these imposter’s in meat suit’s. It took me 3 years to discard him and one year to devalue him—I have found me, that part of me that only I know..I dont have all the answer’s and never will, the X in the meat suit still camps in my head but I have him figured out and I dont ask why anymore because I know why they do what they do….thank you for the inspiration Aloha……Towanda~~~!!!
Wini Wini Wini – Happy Birthday too you and sorry about the typo above – meant to say bloggers not boggers – sue me….lmao
Hi All:
Have been away skiing (with a helmet) for a few days and have finally caught up with all the threads and comments. As you know, I like to collate and underscore some of the comments that resonate with me, so here is a list of Sociopath traits and behaviours that all of you have individually provided, but that presented as a list makes us REALIZE the extent of the GAME and SPELL we were under. So here goes:
– S’s have a great ability to tap into our hopes and dreams, and PRETEND to be the ONE to fill our void in regards to those hopes and dreams
– Why they were successful with us is that we were looking for unwavering emotional shelter from someone we could trust and that would not leave us – we got the exact opposite
– They dazzle us with images of false love, false hopes and a future
– They are very good at making it hard for us to leave
– They are an empty shell of flattery and attention, followed by emotional abandonment and destruction of dreams
– They PRETEND to have empathy and have none
– They learn the physical and verbal responses to emotion but are are incapable of feeling anything but GLEE, RAGE AND ANGER
– They are malicious manipulators with no impulse control nd ability to love
– They kill you with kindness – meanwhile little do you know you’ve let a monster in your life
– They make you mistake intensity for intimacy
– S’s are really gifted in the practice of evil, and going forward could potentially still slide past our defences and enter into our lives
– Handling someone is overpowering them, or manipulating them, which is what S’s are so good at doing
– Going from relationship to relationship is their career
– They are emotional children, morally diseased, sucking off people’s ability to trust because they themselves are inadequate
– They are callous, selfish, void of compassion and self-evaluation, as well as focused on the GAME
– They are shameless, ruthless and careless and look for ways to CONFUSE you – on purpose, pushing your buttons, so they get tehir POWER fix
– They screw their victims over behind their backs, as they are incapable of commitment and loyalty
– A relationship with an S is like eating poison
– They hold guns to our HEARTS, not so much to our minds
– S’s will use the judicial system to torture their victims; as they do not have a well developed conscience, they often go over the line both ethically and legally…but they make sure they don’t get caught
– A Narcissist has an elaborate image of perfection that brings him praise and admiration. He is charismatic and has followers for his voracious ego needs. They fool a lot of people and display a magnetic charm that is irresistible. They leave an enormous swath of human devastation, as the feeling of being loved is so brutally yanked away.
– Out of sight and out of minf is how they live their lives
– Even if their cover is blown, they don’t really care – they move on to the next LIE
– and in closing,
They are the fools of the world, they are a FRAUD. They are “nothing”, “not a thing”. They are an indecent excuse for a human being.
We desperately need to MOVE ON because we LOVED A LIE. We need to find a person with good impulse control, with a relative dose of achievement, motivation and plenty of empathy, caretaking and faithfulness – who doesn’t leave us filling ripped off.
Stargazer-Re: “The best revenge is no revenge at all”. I have the knowledge and ability to ruin his life- destroy his marriage; destroy his relationship with his new “love”, and probably cause him to lose his job. However ( and Ss know this) we are too good to get revenge at the expense of others. In order to get revenge, I would hurt others more than him. I think it is better to hold our heads up high knowing that we are above that kind of behavior- that we will not stoop to their level.
Socio free- I love your list, especially the first and second on the list. I really thought he was the one that could fulfill my hopes and dreams. I really thought he was my best friend, my forever friend- until I found out in an instant that in reality he was no friend at all- when he “blindsided” me on July 31.
It’s a beautiful day in the north east today. I’m going to go outside and enjoy the simple things that bring pleasure- the daffodils are starting to bloom; the birds are singing etc. !!
This blog got me to thinking…I first got stuck on what, what, what, what. I was left wondering “what the heck just happened?”. After I grasped that, I went to why, why, why did he treat me like that? Then I went to who, who, who is he….Is he a P? an extreme N?
And then it started again, only focused on me What, what, what, was I thinking? Why, why didn’t I pay attention to the red flags? Why, why, why did I miss some red flags? Who, who, who am I? An innocent victim, a co-dependent, a woman who loves too much, someone caught in a betrayal bond, someone who was emotionally raped, sexually used?
Plus, there is all the stages of grief mixed in there.
Bottom line I came down to is this. It was just like when I was physically raped…since then I’ve been on alert in a way that women who haven’t been attacked are not. I’ve been attacked since, but escaped, sometimes not completely.
Now I’ve been emotionally raped….and I took a bunch of self-defense lessons (aka therapy), and now I’m on alert in that way too.
So I’m protecting myself emotionally and physically.
What I want most for myself is to feel secure. Obama is a person, apart from how I feel politically, who seems to me very secure. I want that unflappable (for the most part) calm for myself….emotional sobriety.
Blindsided – I hope it was ok that I offered my interpretation of something you went through. It was clear to me that you werent “blindsided” by the fact he was married… but you were “blindsided” by his sudden and unexpected exit, and verbalization of another affair, and subsequent realization of his unethical work practices and findings of multiple extra-marital affairs before during and after his involvement with you. And especially blindsided by his misleading you that all along the journey with him you had a friendship with him no matter what. I understand the betrayal you felt, regardless of the fact your situation was you both married – and both in a bad place… or even pehaps he was/is more so than you if this is his M.O.. in his life to seduce/lure women who are in a bad place in their own life/marriage, befriend them, confuse them, use them then D&D them..
I understand and respect Jens point as it relates to two married people agreeing to have an affair with eachother – with no strings attached – and then the affair ends. They both clearly cannot claim they were blindsided or taken advantage of – as they both made the choice to knowingly have an affair.
Your situation was different in that he was deceitful to you almost like a conman. Every situation is unique and different… but as Jen agreed …we all support eachother here for the sheer dysfunction we experienced on so many different levels. Im glad you found LF, and I hope it helps you as much as its been so helpful to me. Enjoy this beautiful Spring day!
Blindsided, It is beautiful in the southeast as well. Here’s to still being able to see the beauty in God’s creation and finding pleasure in the warmth of the sun. So much better than the false embrace of the Sp’s of the world.
Justabouthealed… So was the answer to your what what, why why questions to YOURSELF, about YOU in the relationship… was the answer that….. you were looking to feel secure, you wanted to feel secure, you need to feel secure. And he was there filling the void with a total false sense of security? And now you see that the people you admire sense of security comes from within themselves, their own self-trust, and personal self-respect, and self-love — shared with a partner who has those traits for themself AND ALSO FOR THEIR PARTNER. That is what allows us to feel secure. Ourselves! and if we choose to – eventually choosing a partner who is secure enough with themselves to treat you with love, respect and kindness.
I see the benefits of therapy in your post. Its inspirational to say the least.