By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
learnthelesson: Thank you for summarizing that so very, very well.
Everyone one on here, just being here, is inspiring. The word is spreading about N’s and P’s, it has to!
learnedthesson- I guess I am seen by some of you as the “enemy” almost as much as the sociopaths in your lives.
Yes, both me and the S are married. My marriage is to a much older, very dependent man who I no longer love, but feel responsible for, have a wonderful child with, and am financially connected to. The sociapath presented himself to me as in an OK marriage to a woman who has a lot of health problems, is recovering from two kinds of cancer and is on all this medicine that makes her ache all the time. He used the “pity play” very well, implying that he and his wife have little sex due to her illnesses. He initially told me he had only one other affair over the course of his 18 year marriage. Neither he nor I had ever spoke about leaving our respectve marriages for each other-( although I feel fairly certain that I might have had that been what he wanted).
“I am the most “goody two shoes” person you would ever know. Having an affair, despite my extreme unhappiness, was not something I had ever previously considered. I considered my self over the hill and not attractive to any man. That was why the attention from the S was overwhelming. For maybe the first time in my life (I just turned 55), he made me feel attractive, sexually desirable, and alive. It was so intoxicating, it was just about irresistable. He just swept me away with gifts, compliments, and exciting rendovous. He was by far the most charming, most awesome person to have ever been interested in me romantically. I was in love with him before I knew what hit me.
One odd thing that I have not mentioned on this blog is that despite his bravado, he was usually impotent- and when he was not, he ejaculated prematurely (30 seconds was a long time for him). Of course, by the time I discovered this I was so in love with him that it did not matter. As a matter of fact, it made me feel more sorry for him- he was so out of practice that he lost his edge, I figured.
Even though he never said he would leave his wife ( until the D&D when he said he was thinking of leaving his wife for his new “love”) he gave me the impression we would be together as friends with benefits forever. That was true up the very last second before he told me he did not love me and had a new “love”.
I certainly should have not been surprized. After all ,he was cheating on his wife with me and I had repeatedly watched him lie to his wife, mother and others. I’d also observed him doing many unethical things on the job and elsewhere. But for some reason I was completely blindsided when he dumped me. I could not believe he could go from being as nice and as interested in me as he was for 18 months to nothing- just a cold, icy stare.
As I say, I could ruin him in an instant by contacting his wife, new “love”, and boss. However, I am working on healing with dignity. His poor wife pretends they have a loving marriage, doing things like putting a heart wreath on their door for their anniversary- and maybe she really has some health problems, but either way, I could not hurt her by telling her about her husband’s activities ( that she may already suspect- but is in denial) And no, he has not and most likely will not leave his wife for the new woman any more that he would have for me.
I’m sorry that I probably upset some people who see me as just an accomplice to the sociopath, but believe me, the hurt and the betrayal and emptiness has been devastating.
BlueSkies:
Welcome! I loved your post. Your insights are wonderful.
“The good thing is (sounds strange) that with each puke inducing one comes a strength for me, the monster is revealing itself but becoming further away and smaller and smaller and less to me, and here I am still wonderful old me same as ever.”
That choked me up when you wrote the last part of the sentance. That’s what I want. I’m saddened by the change in me and I loved that way that you said with confidence, “and here I am still wonderful old me, same as ever”. That gives me hope that I am still me, without all the confusion, shame, ptsd, victimization etc. that healing from a S/N/P’s does to oneself.
Welcome blueskies, you are helping already.
I love the same old me BUT, better now, because at the bottom of the trash heap of my most recent N, I come away from all of the bad relationships (the graveyard of love I call it) that I’ve had with 3 things:
1. My intuition works!! It really does. Although I learned what it can cost not to pay attention, but don’t we all know that what didn’t set well with us, was our intuition at work?
2. I know what a red flag feels like. For me, it’s a snap in my brain, or a feeling heavy, like dread, or a worrysome little question mark in my thinking that gnaws away like a termite on wood. I’ve learned to pay attention to any red flags for they are me, being a loving friend, to me. If I do this, then I know I’m loving myself and not betraying myself.
3. Boundries. Need I say more? But I will. (Avoid the skillet at all costs!) Boundries are being your own best friend forever, your very own “BBFF”. Practice saying “no” in the mirror and within two minutes of practice, you’ll start to like the power of it and you’ll have fun using it within the next few days. Start with setting little boundries and pretty soon you’ll be a pro because it could mean life or death to you.
Aloha: This post is priceless to me. When you stop the “why’s”, the noise in our heads becomes softer and we can bloom from there. Your words resonate with me. Thank you, thank you.
Hi Oxy!
Blindsided said: “I guess I am seen by some of you as the “enemy” almost as much as the sociopaths in your lives…..I’m sorry that I probably upset some people who see me as just an accomplice to the sociopath, but believe me, the hurt and the betrayal and emptiness has been devastating.”
Dear Blindsided,
Since I was rather vocal on the other thread regarding your situation, I wanted to address this. First, NO I don’t see you as the enemy at all, OR as any sort of accomplice to a sociopath. What I saw (just based on your post since I don’t really know you) is a person who just got caught up in an extra-marital affair and you are hurt from your involvement in it and that it ended.
Affairs are rather common these days and my opinon is that they are not necessarily indicative of sociopathy or psychopathy since approx. 50% of married couples engage in extra marital sex at some point. Black, author of Bad Boys, Bad Men did some surverys and some staggering percentage of men (I can’t recall the exact numbers right now) indicated they had been involved in THREE OR MORE extra marital affairs. But based on other factors, Black said these men did NOT meet the diagnostic requirements for psychopathy, sociopathy, or even APD. So long story short, they were just jerks who liked to screw around.
But at any rate, regardless of the circumstances of what landed you here, you are hurting and I welcome you here. So, although I can be rather opinionated at times (and sometimes lacking in tact), please keep posting and making progress in your recovery from your emotional pain. Jen
Ok, found them:
Donald M. Black, author of Bad Boys, Bad Men: Confronting Antisocial Personality Disorder, says isolated behavior that defies the rules of society is very common n the general population, that many of us flout the rules at some point in our lives. In an ECA study, 30% of the men surveyed in St. Louis admitted four or more moving traffic violations, 18% of the men admitted infidelity in their marriages in three or more affairs, and 8% admitted to engaging in illegal activity such as drug dealing or other illegal work related activities. In a Baltimore study, 34% of those surveyed had a history of some type of antisocial behavior from time to time. Black says that at least 1/4 to 1/3 of the population has engaged in some degree of antisocial activities, although they don’t have the degree of severity and varied symptoms required for a diagnosis of ASPD.
Recent studies show that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men have extramarital sex at some point in their marital relationship. (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002, Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy).
Like I feared, I guess this isn’t the place for me either. The story of my life- even my dysfunction is dysfunctional. But no matter what you say, my situation was more than just an affair, it was a seduction of a very vulnerable person by a very skilled person (apparently not a sociopath by your estimation). I guess I have to look elsewhere for support.
Blindsided, My intent, which I guess I did not get across very well, was to try to make you feel welcome here. Since this is LOVEFRAUD, not SOCIOPATH FRAUD, I don’t think it really matters whether the guy is or is not a sociopath. And I don’t have ANY idea whether or not he is. We all have differing opinions and are not usually too shy in offering them up from time to time.
I don’t know what else to say, other than I do hope you stick around and discuss your feelings and make progress in healing.
Blindsided – What timing! I just walked in from getting a gift for a friend and leaving my cell phone at the store!!!
I think there was a terrible misunderstanding here and you really should not leave LF!!!!!!! You certainly are not the first to post here that you were involved in an extramarital affair – oh my goodness – you are not the first, and you wont be the last.
THIS IS THE PLACE FOR YOU TO POST. WE ALL AGREE THIS IS NO PLACE FOR JUDGEMENT TO EXIST. ITS A HEALING PLACE. I WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO POINT OUT THAT NO MATTER WHAT ANYONES SITUATION IS, IF THERE IS DYSFUNCTION INVOLVED ON ANY LEVEL, ANYONE DESERVES TO HEAL, AND LEARN AND EXPERIENCE PERSONAL GROWTH HERE.
I hope you reconsider, your last post upset me to read. I hope you understand so many people hear (if not ALL) support you and welcome you and dont judge you. Thank you.
Blindsided, please read my post on the other blog, “Emotional and Psychological….” Our experiences are very similar. In fact, knowing he did not want to leave his wife, and I didn’t want to leave my husband, made it seem more “okay”…we weren’t out to hurt anyone by leaving a marriage not meeting our needs, just to be together. Instead we were just friends, and like with your man, the sex was awful. He told me I was his “true friend at last”. 10 days later he dumped me at the start of a week vacation together, just after I gave him a $500 present. Of course I stupidly “took him back”.
What I know now is that he has had multiple affairs (like you, I thought he had had one, out of desperation to meet his needs) and that he has the same pattern with women over and over. He knew he was going to be leaving me devastated, that was part of the fun, and he was so busy covering his ass with statements at the beginning that he could point to later to say “but I told you…”. Completely ignoring the fact that all his actions and words after that implied we would be friends forever and that he had longed for me since we first met at 16. I’m about your age, and felt unattractive because of physical handicaps. I was so needy, and he said just what I needed to hear to make it all seem ethical. Now I am amazed at how he twisted my thinking.
Don’t leave. You belong here.
I am reading old articles. I am up to July 2008… and just came across this Article from Donna…
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@LoveFraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.