By AlohaTraveler
“Why?”
Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know.
Why did he ____________________ ?
Why couldn’t he _________________?
Why does he think _______________?
Why can’t he stop _______________?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There’s nothing.
Let us pause for a moment and repeat that to ourselves…
There’s nothing.
Wow. Think about that. There is nothing you did to deserve what he did. There is nothing you did to make him into a liar, a deceiver, an abuser and a manipulator. Of course, he was hell bent on you believing that all of his actions were due to some character defect in you. Or that he did all he did because he “had to” because you “made him.” Or maybe he didn’t say any of that stuff… he just did all his evil deeds in secret until you found out and then he left quicker than you can say “pop goes the weasel.”
Yes, I did choose “weasel” on purpose!
The answers are complex and yet, they are quite simple. M.L. Gallagher spelled it out so simply in her post: He’s gone. Looking at the Sociopath Through Open Eyes. Another name for her essay could be: Cliff notes on “Why?”
The result of this simple truth, at least for me, is FREEDOM. I even love saying it.
They do what they do because that is what they do!
Now I have total freedom from spending one more sleepless night asking “why?” I honestly think I have been sleeping better ever since I read and fully understood this concept. And since then, I have noticed a shift in me. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I haven’t had an anxiety attack lately. I used to have an anxiety attack every time I read something on LoveFraud that rang my bell and sunk in a little deeper for me that I was played and abused by a pathologically abusive partner… maybe even a sociopath. The grip of this painful time in my life has loosened and I am starting to laugh more, live more, do more, be more, eat less. :o)
I might have been eating a little too much to deal with the stress. Look for less of me in the near future!!!
Also, I have found a way to give meaning to my personal train wreck. By the way, finding meaning for our suffering is a normal step in the process of healing. This is another gem I have picked up on my way to recovery land. I intend to put my encounter with a sociopath to good use in my future. The worst thing to have ever happened to me has given me a drive, focus and purpose I have been looking for but couldn’t seem to find. And it has given me an appropriate avenue for my inborn compassion and my desire to help people.
It is a future goal of mine to work with victims of abusive relationships and when they ask “Why?” I will have an answer for them, but I know that it may take awhile for them to accept it.
Dear Blindsided
This is your place and you are definately wanted here.
We need to be careful about judging people or even seeming as if we are judging people. This is not a place to judge. It is a place for support and healing.
Let us all be careful that our message is about healing.
In the past, we have had readers that were duped by a Sociopath… and it was during an affair. I have always thought that these cases are especially criminal and hurtful to the victim. I am pretty sure I read on here somewhere of a case where a woman was lured away from a fairly happy marriage.
Remember how seductive these sickos can be? They take pleasure in seeing other people fall.
When I first came to LoveFraud, it was because I had been visiting the Blogs on DontDateHimGirl and some of the bloggers were attacking readers who came there for support due to being duped during an affair. The attacking, and/or, making very POINTED POINTS was clearly painfull to the person that was going through something difficult. Then.. I noticed a little icon for LF in the corner and off I went.
LF has been a far more mature and supportive environment than the DDHG site.
I feel confident that all of our readers want the best for eachother because.. we all have been through our own personal HELL.
It would be great if we all let this go and recommit ourselves to the goal… healing from a very traumatic relationship.. all details aside.
Happy Saturday!
Dear Blindsided, my sociopath was married. I knew he was married when I began the affair. I rationalized that he was supposed to file for divorce the week I met him. They were allegedly living in separate residences and waiting for his military discharge to come through so their child could get benefits. Then they were supposed to file for the divorce. He strung me along like this for 2 months before I figured out he was lying about everything, along with some other pretty big lies that I had no idea about.
I would certainly never judge you, as I did the unthinkable–had an affair with a married man. I never would have allowed it to happen unless I believed that he was soon to be divorced. But I did it anyway. I could have just waited, but I didn’t. I have forgiven myself for this, and I hope you can forgive yourself, too.
It will be a year in July since I have seen or talked to him. In the aftermath of all this, I am very deliberately focusing on myself and doing something I should have done years ago–falling in love with myself! Deep down I never really loved myself, so I allowed all kinds of shoddy treatment from men, and none of my relationships were completely healthy, even though some of the men I dated were healthy. Yes, I am noticing men again, and they are noticing me. But I am just very clear that I cannot date at the moment. I can have male friends, but I am just “falling in love with myself” as I call it. When I can look in the mirror and say I love myself totally and completely and feel all the compassion for myself that I’ve felt for all the pitiful men, abandoned animals, etc., then I’ll be ready to date.
Thank you justabouthealed- I certainly have gotten mostly great support and advice from this blog from a variety of contributors.
What led me to the love fraud blog was my realization, after the fact, that the man I had the affair with (I’ll refer to him as R) was not just a philanderer, but has no conscience in any aspect of his life- work; financial; or personal. A co-worker who knew R well said to me, after finding out R had dumped me, that he thought R was a sociopath. This led me to do some on-line research and that was how I found the love fraud wed site and blog. I purchased Stout’s and Hare’s books and was amazed at how the descriptions of the people in those books are chillingly like R.
I just want everyone to know that I never set out to have an affair- as unhappy in my marriage as I was and still am. R found me at a very vulnerable time right after my daughter started college. I was very lonely and alone with my husband, a man I no longer love. I was seduced by R, who was so charming, so charasmatic. As I said earlier, the sex was not good , but that didn’t matter. What was important to me was the friendship and I thought R was my friend- that he liked ME as a friend. He “acted”like a friend in every way, always being attentive and caring- asking about my daughter and elderly mother. He called me several times a day and we got together once or twice a week (after her got the promotion and moved to a different building).
I should have seem warning signs along the way. I observed many things he did over the 18 months we were seeing each other that were unethical; sleezy; dishonest etc. Once he said to me “I have a hole in my superego”. But I, so in love, ignored all that. He would never lie to me or betray me, I thought, he’s my best friend- we need each other.
In my sad life, R brought a lot of joy and I thought the reverse was true too. I miss his friendship terribly and still can’t believe that anyone could discard a supposed friend so callously without a backward glance. I even think, like you justabouthealed, that he enjoys seeing me devastated- that is part of the fun- the power- the win. Would I take him back- sadly, probably yes- I don’t know if I could resist. However, for now, he seems all caught up in his new relationship with another vulnerable person( she just got divorsed)- Who knows what awaits her- I hope she catches on and leaves before she is devastated too.
This post could easily be re-titled “Why I don’t seek closure from other people anymore”… At least that would’ve been my title. I was just having a conversation about this with a young friend recently who seemed hell bent on getting closure from someone else – wanting them to acknowledge & be friendly with them after a break-up. When hey, maybe it’s okay to just let things be.
I have come to believe that seeking closure from other people is usually a fool’s errand. Frankly, I think it’s an exercise in futility with most people – not just the ones that are personality disordered. But when you’re talking about someone who’s emotionally unstable, or heavens to betsy, a sociopath – it can become downright dangerous to your well-being to seek closure.
There is none.
As AlohaTraveler says, “There’s nothing”
I used to be so into trying to get closure… I don’t even bother seeking closure from anyone anymore in any situation, or any type of relationship – friendship, romantic, or otherwise. I’ve become comfortable with “letting it dangle” and to hell with it – and I’m so free now. Might seem counter-intuitive… But it’s so freeing. And things seem to go more smoothly surprisingly.
I realize now that sometimes when I was “seeking closure” what I was really doing (not realizing it, of course) was trying to seek emotional support from the very person who caused the trouble for which I needed the support because of!
It’s really rather illogical, but somehow I think on some level it somehow made sense to me back then.
I think of this story, a book written by a woman who was the victim of attempted murder.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5554692
In the radio piece, the interviewer asks her why she never confronted her attacker, her response was:
“A lot of people ask me that. And the reason is quite simple. He has denied this crime his entire life, and there’s no way that he’s going to suddenly give up a confession to me. By confronting him, I would just be granting him the power to lie to me. It doesn’t seem a good use of my time, nor does it seem particularly safe, because he is a dangerous character. So I’ve decided that I would never confront him in that way.”
Seems like a no brainer when you think of it that way. But yet SO many people ask her that. It almost seems logical to ask that. But when you really look at it, it’s obvious that it makes no sense for her to confront her attacker.
On some level, I think asking “why????” was really a deep-rooted desire for things to be different. As if the question of “why?” could be answered, and thereby change the reality that the person was just no good for me (whethere they be a narcissist, sociopath, garden variety jackass, or just someone who just didn’t really care about me much).
What I eventually realized is that the bottom line is, if you want closure from another person to make you feel better – what you’re really trying to do is control or change another person in order to feel better. That doesn’t work on “normal” people, never mind the personality disordered. It definitely doesn’t work with sociopaths – they never change under any circumstances..
There really is no answer to the question why. And any answer there is generally doesn’t involve me being the cause of someone else’s behaviour anyway.
And the truth is – I don’t need anyone else to make me feel good – that power rests within me.
And if I want emotional support, I go to trusted, trustworthy friends & family. And there’s more sensible sources to choose from too – therapists, clergy, support groups, etc. Heck, anyone BUT the person who’s wronged you so badly you need emotional support!!
That is how I found Lovefraud..someone pointed their finger at me and said — is a sociopath..Well I have heard that word all my life and guess I never gave it much thot as surely I would recognize one on the spot. But when I googled sociopath and started reading the traits and patterns and behaviors of one the hair stood up on the back of my neck – omg- I have been sleeping with the enemy. I dont think any body will recognize this unless they have fallen for one or been brainwashed by one. But when we reach that point of recognizing what is happening too us we are forced to take a long hard look at ourselves – what do we need to do to avoid this kind of exploitation in the future? How many past relationships have we had that are similar? Not only have we been exploited by someone who claims to love us, we have been conditioned all our live’s to think this is normal. I am no angel – I have my tricks and friends with benifit’s and for the most part it seemed to work best that way – nsa- no string’s attached. But then comes along a lesson in life. I cant even begin to explain the chaos and drama and pain that ensued when I willingly became his victim. Knowing all the while I was drowning and I kept throwing him the life jacket. Three years I was his keeper by his design. He took over my life, lived my life, I stood to the side and watched. He was enjoying watching me suffer, cat and mouse games, mind games. My physical and mental health hit bottom and I could no longer keep up with his game’s, it was no fun for him anymore, so he found a new source of supply. I dont want him back – I hope I never see him again. i dont like thinking that maybe he is happy this time and has found someone more compatible but I think about that way too much. I am sure he cant love, he can pretend and lie but anyone with a real heart will see he is not right, it might take them awhile but their true identity always comes out.
Aloha,
Thank you for your insightful post! I, too, was driving myself crazy with the why’s. It was like a tape in my head that played over & over. I think I finally got mad enough at myself for constantly giving him space in my head, that I am starting to focus on what’s ahead of me, instead of what’s behind me. I get so much knowledge from you all at LF. We are all in the same life boat together, & I know there is no place else I’d rather be.
Hi Savannah.
Oh! thankyou for that!:) It feels so good to think that I said something helpful to someone who is feeling the way I feel:)
now I am going to waffle on for a bit – totally off topic too…:)
I know what you mean about how you know your intuition REALLY works!! This sounds odd again considering, but I actually think I have always had pretty high functioning intuition, and if I am honest with myself I felt/ saw every red flag as it went up, but something about this particular relationship forced me to ‘override the programme.’
The same wondeful old me: she is still here, the dreams I thought he stole or crushed, were mine and are still here; I am a philosophical and reasonably intelligent woman who knows this deep down, but I am only begining to truly FEEL it again, literally in the last week.
When I was D&D’d two days after christmas, I was lost. Really lost. It was like I’d spent the time I had with the SP sleepwalking away from myself and had suddenly woken up miles from home. I recall crying out to a friend at the time that ‘I used to love my garden, enjoy having a beautiful home, I used to laugh, have fun, spend good times with friends, find joy in my children, love my little life and It all seemed so very, very far away now, and I just didnt know HOW to get back there.’ She told me that I still have those things…
Since then I have made a point of noticing the moments, the little ‘me moments’ that are begining to return, and focussing on nuturing them. Things I almost couldnt see during the fog and turmiol of the relationship, like the other day I lay outside in the evening with my little boy to watch stars again, like I used to pre SP, and insted of beating myself up for not doing it for so long ( something I am predisposed to do and waste a lot of time on, beating myself up for this or that! Sheesh!) because every single thought and second for the last couple of years had been spent on ‘him’, i just felt the beauty of the moment… and found my selfgrinning from ear to ear, I had found another little piece of me!
I am still having a really rough time; crying, difficulty sleeping, heartache, my money is gone, I am in danger of losing my house, but every day brings a little piece of me back…as long as I keep gently looking for them,those moments, and catching them and nuturing them.
Its going to take as long as it takes:)
Saying that, I know I will never really be eactly the same wonderful old me, and I also have to deal with the resentment of the loss of my ‘innocence’ about love that made me so vulnerable. Right now I worry that the lessons I have learnt about myself, and NEED to in order to protect myself in the future will lead me to a more guarded or suspicious version of myself… it bothers me.
Boundaries – something I think about a lot now too, and It also bothers me. I know my boundaries need working on, but I also know that part of the me – ness of me, the ‘wonderfulness’ of me is that I am a personality that is not easily ‘framed’, I am a fluid and open personality, I LIKE that about me… how to find the balance?
…hmmm, is there a prize for the amount of times a blogger says ME in a post?! lol!
Also, I wanted to say that I have been going through all the same why’s and wonderings about his new ‘love’ , like everyone here, but I cant seem to bring myself to write too much about it, its already something that plays in my mind every day. yes it is like a tape recording, but I have the answer on a loop too; ‘because he’s a liar, because it wasnt real, because thats what he does and of course its what he will ALWAYS do… to everyone… even her’. Someday soon I will go out to the counrtyside and bury the tape player in 5feet of peet.
Blueskies, I suggest we all travel to Oxy’s Farm and dig a mass grave for those tapes. After the funeral for all our bad thoughts, we can take the stage in our tutus and dance til we are drunk on laughter.
Blindsided, Sorry you felt unwanted here. I never thought of my relationship with the ex as an affair. I had told my husband that it was over. Our problems predated the Sp. But it did begin while I was still married and in truth, without the Sp I would have worked it out with the husband. Looking back, I see that the Sp took pleasure and pride in hurting my ex in any way that he could. He really lost interest in me when my ex moved on to a new love in a new state. My ex was part of the Sp’s game of power and control. Funny, I never saw that til you posted. I never thought of the relationship as an affair. Affair to me always implied secret with a partner not knowing. I guess since the ex knew about the Sp it wasn’t an affair in my eyes. And of course the new gal with the Sp was an affair kept from me. So he has a pattern of wanting what he isn’t suppose to have. I wonder if she is married to someone else? Food for thought for me. Thanks for being here.
Oxy asked me to let everyone know her computer is on the blink and will hopefully be back online in a few days…..