by Quinn Pierce
The other day, in one of my counseling sessions, I was recounting a story about some family members who still interact with my ex-husband, despite my requests that they respect me enough to not have any contact with him.
I was no longer angry or annoyed by their behavior, I had since realized it is much easier if I lower my expectations for some people in my life and distance myself from others. But, I was curious about their inability to stop contact with my ex-husband even after knowing everything he has done to my family.
The Inexplicable Bond
It led me to wonder: Why is it so difficult to detach from a sociopath?
It seems as though it makes no difference if some people know the truth about what damage a sociopath has caused, they are still eager to maintain some kind of connection. At first, this was very hurtful for me, but over time, I’ve come to accept that I can’t be responsible for other people’s decisions, and I cannot take their actions as a personal attack.
For one thing, a sociopath, such as my ex-husband, can form strong bonds with those just outside their inner circle by presenting themselves as a respectable, caring, even adoring and genuine person. This was what people around us believed for many years. When we divorced, it was just too inconceivable for some of my family and friends to accept that the person they knew was actually a monster.
It would mean questioning their own ability to see past someone else’s polished exterior. Not many people are willing to admit they had such a huge lapse in judgment. I actually understand this to an extent, because I know how foolish I felt after learning the truth about the man I had married- and stayed married to for over fifteen years.
Denial: The Easier Choice
Also, it’s easy for sociopaths to ”˜shine their light’ on people they don’t see all that often, and that is an addicting quality of a sociopath. If my ex-husband wants to put someone on a pedestal, he will figure out just what that person’s greatest emotional need is and then exploit it in a manipulative way that makes him look like a hero.
For those of us in an intimate relationship with such a person, that trait is what we hold out for as we wade through the sea of negativity that surrounds the remainder of the relationship. It’s like a drug, but only enough to keep you addicted.
My family members may actually prefer to believe he is the person they want him to be, because it is much more comfortable than giving up that praise and having to deal with my much less enjoyable reality.
Responding To Other People’s Pain
The final reason I came up with (and I’m sure there are many more) is that those of us who are not sociopaths have emotions such as compassion and empathy and we are capable of feeling bad for people who appear to be hurting.
My ex-husband still cries regularly when he wants sympathy for not seeing his sons as much as he thinks he should. Others don’t realize it has nothing to do with a father’s love for his children and everything to do with the type of father he wants to portray himself to be to the outside world.
I can honestly say that I am guilty of this, as well. Just after my separation, I agreed to allow my ex-husband to visit my boys every day after work. I pushed aside my anger, fear, and resentment, because I still believed there was an intrinsic love that all fathers must have for their children that was instinctual, if nothing else.
Reality Check
I later learned that he was more interested in checking on me every day, making sure I wasn’t involved with another man, and making sure I wasn’t poisoning my children against him than he was in spending time with his children.
The visits soon tapered off, leaving my children wondering why their dad didn’t come by to see them anymore. I’m sure I made up yet another excuse to soften the blow from his apathy.
Redefining Relationships
Detaching from a sociopath is definitely a complicated, messy, and unnatural process. In a sense, we have to accept that there is a population of humans who lack humanity. It is a frightening realization and an even more frightening reality.
Who wants to walk around knowing there are people walking by them right at that moment who have no empathy, shallow emotions, and use manipulation and abuse as a means of controlling those they proclaim to love?
So, I can understand, to an extent, why some people in my life refuse to accept these facts for what they are. As I said, I cannot be responsible for their decisions. I can, however, be responsible for mine. As difficult as it is, I choose to keep a more superficial and distanced relationship with those I was once close with, simply because I cannot allow myself to be around unsupportive and unhealthy people.
No More Excuses
I spent half of my life making excuses for someone who was going out of his way to be hurtful and deceptive. In order to be healthy, I have to honor myself, and that means not making excuses for anyone else, even if it means grieving the loss of a once close relationship with a friend or relative.
I would rather lose a friend or two than the parts of me that I worked so hard to recover.
Really great post, Quinn. Thank you. I’ve found that I had to do the same thing – distance myself from someone whom I once considered a friend. I was the victim of a sociopath (even learning later from his own father that his manipulative behavior was known from childhood) and it is still taking me time to recover. It’s been six years since I’ve had any contact with that man, but I still can’t shake the creepy feeling that he’s out there doing the same thing. What’s worse is that this friend of mine, a young woman, was equally exploited but still manages to get under my skin by mentioning his name, knowing that the very thought of him makes me want to vomit. She even made contact with him a few years back, even though I told her that it would ruin our relationship. And ultimately, it did. One of the things I know I need to overcome is regaining trust in others, but it is so hard to do. I find myself comparing everyone to the sociopath, and it is a daily fight to try and allow anyone back into my heart.
Thanks Blanka,
I can relate to your experience. It’s even more bizarre when the person mentioning his name was also hurt by him, don’t you think? I’m not sure what motivates people to continue contact who don’t need to, especially after seeing the destruction he caused, but I no longer let it affect my life and I think the much smaller circle of friends I have now is ten times more supportive and healthy than all those combined that I had to give up along the way.
so glad you were able to break free, I know some day you’ll be able to trust your instincts enough to let love into your heart and know that what we experienced with the sociopaths was not really love at all. There is real love out there 🙂
Quinn
I certainly hope it’s out there. With that friend of mine, I made the mistake of butting in when I saw what he was doing to her. It shames me to say that I stooped to his level and was able to play on his own weaknesses in order for her to leave him. But everything backfired when I tried to explain to her what I did. As soon as that happened, he became the “victim” in her eyes. They say revenge is a dish best serve cold… but… I couldn’t do it that way. There’s so much more to the whole scenario, anyway. My mother always taught me to be independent of anyone else, so even though I still was duped and let my naivete get the best of me, it was no where near as detrimental (in my eyes) as it was to my friend. Her family has an authoritative male figure, and I think that ultimately led her (repetitively) to choose the side of a dominant male who could use her at his whim. The irony of it all is that she doesn’t see it, which just perpetuates the old adage that ignorance is bliss. I find myself simultaneously envious and distraught over that blindness.
And in terms of breaking free… I might have done it physically. But mentally? I just don’t understand why it still hurts so much after all these years.
I can totally understand, now, why people stay connected. Afterall, I did it off and on, with different disordered individuals for most of my life. As a child I had no choice. As an adult I was in and out of these types of relationships.
And for all the reasons you listed. It IS painful (and scary!) to become fully aware of the existence of these folks, and to know they wreak havoc on the world every single day. It was awful to realize I had spent a great portion of my childhood being groomed by a sociopath (my grandfather).
It Is MUCH easier, if you are not being directly abused, to ignore the damage being done to others’. It even feeds the ego to see others’ suffer the abuse, and feel that the spath holds you above all that because you are special. I fell for that trap, believing he only lost his cool with those ‘lesser’ beings. How foolish I was.
No one likes to feel ‘fooled’. It is so hard to feel that kind of humiliation and shame. So, if people don’t HAVE to, they usually don’t face the fact that they are being duped. I know I didn’t, for years.
Humans avoid pain.
Blanka….I have been out of the relationship that finally ‘opened my eyes’ for a little over 6 years. That person STILL permeates my thougts. I don’t get as worked up over those thoughts, and I can steer my thinking in another direction. But, there they are.
I don’t know if the is ‘right’ or not…. But I liken my experience to having been in a Tsunami, and having lost everything. I might be able, eventually, to go to the beach again, swim, and enjoy. But I would NEVER forget, or not feel sorrow for, the trauma of the event. I give myself a break for these thoughts because, in some ways, I think they are the minds way of protecting us from falling into the same trap again.
I bet you find redirecting your mind is easier than it was 5 years ago, right? And, I bet both of us will find it easier and easier as the years go by. But we underestimate the power of this level of trauma and awakening. It’s BIG.
Most people will not wake up to this reality: there is a population of humans who lack humanity (per Quinn). We have. That is intense.
Take good care all,
Slim
Tsunami is also what my friend, I met at a women’s support group, likens to what has happened to our lives. We have to start again and they continue on, retaining most everything but us. Continuing to live their life of lies.
Quinn great post. I think you’re spot on about the perception of being the good parent they need to portrey. My ex hasn’t spoken to our son since Sept 2011 or our daughter since July 2012. He was still living under the same roof until July 2013 so you can imagine the conditions they were living in. Needless to say his story is that ‘they’ don’t speak to him! He has a long history of falling out with people and not speaking to them beyond that – both his parents (who are divorced), his sister, nephews, aunts, uncles, friends, etc, etc. In fact the only family member he speaks to is his step father who I believe may well also be a sociopath. I don’t know him well enough to really say that but I have said for years they are like two peas in a pod. (Often my ex would tell me how ridiculous his step father’s behaviour was over something or other and I would look at him in total disbelief because his behaviour was exactly the same!)
And yet he creates this image of a great family man, a pillar of the community. I think this is one of the main reasons he stayed with me for so long – because it suited him both financially and for his image. I think that is what he feared most when I said I wanted a divorce. He agreed straight away – we both knew the marriage was over – but he then immediately dug himself a deep trench and went to battle canvessing neighbours, everyone we knew, on Facebook, in the street, in the pub, with constant lies about me, the kids, etc etc. He totally demonised me and our son and later our daughter, in order to deflect from the actual truth.
He teaches martial arts locally and more and more so in local schools so his clean cut image is vital. His website still uses the logo that our son created for him – he drew it himself – and he has stacks of father and son photos on there – its sickening.
I recently saw a post on his class FB page (I’ve not been blocked from that one yet!)and he was going on about how awful it is that the youth of today are so violent and disrespectful and blaming Grand Auto theft and yet it was he who insisted on buying this for our son when he was (in my view) far too young for it. We had a huge row about it and as usual, he made me feel like I was wrong so I gave in, in the end. When I see things like that, I just sit there blinking, stunned, mouth wide open because even now, when I have seen so many lies, I am still shocked by him.
Quinn – thank you so much for this insightful post. There is a lot of denial out there. Why? It’s easier.
Quinn, I found your post to be very profound. We cannot control what others do, but we have supreme control over our responses to what others do. I had to cut a man out of my life who was hurting me emotionally for about a year. In doing so, I tried to remain friends with others in the social circle, but it was too painful. So I distanced myself from all of them. But I did it in such a way that I didn’t burn any bridges. Since they are all part of a larger social circle, it makes sense to minimize the drama. At first, I felt a lot of resentment that I had to cut them off, and it left a big void in my life that they once filled. But I found that I was slowly able to fill my life with other things and other people. I am once again my cheerful, forward-looking self. I believe that when you are living in the present moment, there isn’t much room for regret over the past. I know about myself that I am a very sentimental person. I tend to linger a long time over failed relationships and romances that could have been. I have spent countless hours longing and pining for someone I couldn’t have. I am a hopeless romantic. Knowing this about myself, I give myself a little room to do this, and I forgive myself for it, but I know that my life will not progress forward until I fill my days with new things in the real world. I have found that the longing and daydreaming become less and less as I become more present. My challenge is to live my life in the real world and less and less in a fantasy world.
I am also letting go of my dream of one day having a good relationship with my estranged sister who would be my only family. It is just not working out the way I had hoped. This has been very sad for me. But today I had a great heart to heart with my office mate about our lives, our dreams, and our pain. For a magical moment, I felt the connection with her that I long for with my sister. I realized that that connection can happen at any time in any place, and with a number of people simply by being present and risking myself at appropriate times. Life can be perfect as it is, even without the people and things we thought we couldn’t live without. If only we would stop long enough to investigate, the world can be a magnificent and interesting place!
It’s not often that I have a chance to visit this site. Each and every time though that I do, I am in awe of the strength and the support of the amazing people who also come here. I, like you, have danced with the devil. NO CONTACT is a priority and it feels so good. I have a new love now, myself. I am alone but not lonely.
Now that I have had time to really reflect on what has happened, I have taken it and tried to find the good in it. I am now more myself than ever. My home is once again a place of peace. Believe me, things are not perfect. I still have “one of those days” but they are becoming less frequent. Each new day is a blessing. I thank God each night for His blessings and ask that He blesses and keeps safe one and all. Even if it’s once in awhile, please continue to visit here and lend your support to the many others out there who need to know that someone else understands. Peace!
I liked the part about you detaching without drama. If there’s anything generic to unsuitable relationships, it seems to be the drama… And after we’ve quit, we deal with internal drama: The personal torment about the whole lousy rigamarole.
I think that there are 3 reasons that our family or friends will continue a relationship with someone who has hurt us/our children badly. One, is a deficit in themselves with a need that is gratified by the harming one. Second is that we, who have suffered, may have had our suffering overstay its welcome with our support system. Third, most people don’t take up causes. (If they did, a lot of the world’s injustices would be rectified.) They don’t want their lives further complicated, so they will stay nice with our enemy as long as not much is asked of them or our enemy doesn’t overstay his/her welcome either.
We, who got into these unsuitable relationships, likely had our fair share of deficient folk around us. And we may see more of that in the raw when we climb out of the cesspool that we have been in. Yes, the sight of our family folk’s or friends’ warts isn’t welcome at the time… but it never was and they are who they are. We can accept them but set boundaries or we can move on to find people more suitable to us. What we can’t do is change them or control them.
I had an “ex” who hooked my mother and sister into his web of lies because both of them had needs that were gratified by him. My mother was in a loveless marriage with an alcoholic, then dry alcoholic. My sister’s marriage was going down the tubes for her mental illness and alcoholism. The “ex” came from a celebrity family, he was brilliant, multi-degreed (Doctor, lawyer, Indian chief)and had status. His attention on them meant a lot to both of them and they lapped it up (like I had, once) while feeding him info and junk that ultimately showed up in the court hearing for custody. The fact that he had written a diary of perversities which included attraction to young boys was not much a cause for pause to either my mother or sister… Sadly, my mother was forced to take the stand and attempt feebly to explain away her recklessness and betrayal. I don’t think she ever understood the deeper meaning to her lapse of judgement; ie, that she had betrayed my sister and I for as long as she remained in the life around alcoholism but, at least, she never again spoke badly about me.
We can set boundaries or get move on from our circle without much ado. It’s nothing to say to our friend or family member, “Listen, it’s no entertainment to me to hear about John/Jane and I want to enjoy our time together.” or, in an endangering situation, to say “It is not safe for John/Jane to know of my doings. I don’t want you in the middle nor can I risk that you inadvertently report something to him/her that would add peril to my life or childrens’ lives.” It is no big thing. The big thing is to be clear and clean in your aim: To aim for what you have power to invoke. You have no power to alter another’s opinion, reform someone’s ways or dictate who another has association with.
Recently, I found out that my sister still keeps up some correspondence with that ex (of 20 years). It’s a connection that stands on its own, though, because neither her or the ex have anything to do with my life or much to do with my children’s lives. And that’s okay. A funny thing is that apparently, the ex never picked up that there is something obviously off with my sister. There is no one who has had an encounter with her or letter from her that isn’t left to wonder about her. It was just this year that someone told the ex about her troubles and he was quite surprised. That’s funny to me given the ex is a good writer and was/is a therapy junkie always wanting to diagnose people with psychiatric ills. He missed a juicy mental dx with her.
Now for the “end of the story” because a lot of survivors wonder about their sicko ex’s future fortunes as a way of being assured that the culprit was the ex. (No, it doesn’t go well for them but that’s not any assurance that it will go well for us either. Our assurance that it will go better for ourselves rests in what effort we put into turning our lives around.) Anyhow, this ex has begun his 5th marriage, made the 15th job change and relocation, has not a pot to piss in (except for whatever the new bride has) and leaves behind other children that he vows to win custody of and drag across country and away from their mother… like he did with our son. Poignantly, these children were adopted and, of course, are at more risk should any of their bonds be broken. Apparently, this peril doesn’t occur to him and that maybe, he just ought to settle down, become involved in those kids’ lives and make the best of things regardless of his opine about their mother.
My last piece of healing came I could be absolutely sure that our son could not be swallowed up by any fault line within him for the sins of the father (and mine as an accomplice). I held my breath until finally this year when I could see that my son was solid. He is more than a career success: He makes the most of every opportunity made available to him and he doesn’t let junk bog him down. He has did reunited with his father and because I know that my son can hold his own.
I think for any good parent whose had to leave a lousy marriage, we cannot have peace of mind (or final healing) until we can see for certain that our children have lives that they love and prosper in..That they were not permanently harmed by our ignorance or misguided thinking. And, to that end, we need to turn our attentions away from our personal ordeal to put those attentions to our children’s lives….Our full and whole hearted attentions on them. What matters to our children is not what we might think. However, their needs will become evident if keep ourselves undistracted from anything other than their lives. That’s our job and our means to healing.
just to clarify, i was a responsible, loving parent.
i didnt get the letter. i will never get the letter.
life aint fair.
and truth is waaaaaaaaaaay stranger than fiction.
doing the right thing does not guarantee a good outcome. the good guys dont always wear white either and they dont always win in the end. alot end up broke and die alone.
but i did the right thing and God can take care of the rest. thats all He wanted, in the end.
I don’t doubt that you did do the right thing. And you are right that doing so is no guarantee of a good outcome for another and that truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction.
One has to wonder what is the greater burden: To live with knowing you did all you could humanly do for the greater good and it not pan out or to live with knowing that you failed to do all that you could have done and believe that the reason for a sad outcome…
I’d say the burden is greater for the former and you get my kudos for carrying that and still putting one foot in front of the other.
well not doing all u could is more socially acceptable…then ppl supply u an excuse if u dont offer one upfront…drugs, finances, workaholic (that 1 is GLORIFIED in our sick culture), illness.
wen u consciously chose and did all u could…wel then You Did Something Wrong –> acc to other ppl and of course the child/ren .
it seriously cracks me up. if i was a crackmomma i would get sympathy, if i would have ignored my children and just worked i would have gotten a standing ovation but becuz i lived outside the status quo, i am evil.
watever. idc. i just grieve my children.
Thank you for your article. In just one generation, we have lost what used to be standard behavior for men: bravery, honor, and inner fortitude. There are so many male vultures out there who use and bribe the police and courts in order to keep hurting their exes and children. Sometimes it is just a woman who wants a male acquaintance to leave her alone, so she tells him she is going to call the police, if he doesn’t. Then guess what? He turns the tables on her and calls the police. So many men have lost what used to be a hallmark of manhood: dignity. And it is endemic.
I read the article yesterday in the LA Times about the man who murdered his ex-wife in 1982 and got away with it. Now, 32 years later, his daughter is going after him. He is definitely guilty, but no surprise, it got thrown out. Where is justice?
I absolutely agree, therose!
Sometimes, thoughts of my ex comes back to me and I need to expel them from my mind. I believe these thoughts that keep returning are actually unresolved issues that had me completely baffled and blind to the sociopath in my midst. When I finally put the issue (be it the lies, outlandish stories, angry rampages, other women, rich men’s clubs, con jobs, misappropriation of money, damage to property, abandoning his newborn daughter and the list goes on) within the right context – that he was a sociopath, then everything makes sense and I thank God again for revealing the “secret” of who this person actually was – a user, abuser and loser.
The flashbacks are painful, but every time I come to a deeper understanding of happened to me, I can let it go and make room for more joy in my life.
Thank you everyone for the amazing strength and grace with which you write about your experiences! I’ve learned so much and am eternally grateful.
Heart song
I believe I know why I go back, much of it is fear.
Fear of another broken family. I have a 13 yr old daughter ive never seen that was adopted out from under my nose, hence why I try so hard to make things work to stay with my BPD wife and 2 kids.
Fear of starting over, since she owns the house and business when I say start over I mean literally with nothing.
Then the fact that even after all this I still love her, I cannot just make that love go away in a months time, when I start to miss her and think of good times, I try to think of bad things to anger myself, it tends to help me through it a little more.
Dave,
I know exactly how you feel. I still love the woman my wife pretended to be.
The day she became her true self was debilitating. that is the best word I can describe how it went.
It was like someone had cut off both my arms, but still expected me to dress myself.
Fortunately, she had gotten so bad last year that I really don’t have any good memories left.
If you are still with her, try as hard as you can to get your name on the business and the house. I tell you that it is only a matter of time. Sock away some money for the inevitable.
I had a chance to get my name on the deed, just by the sheer fact that we needed a roof. I had the money, and I should have told her, no name on deed, no roof.
It is time for you to protect yourself. She will eventually discard you.
too late Philip, im kicked out yet again, have been for 6 weeks.
She will probly never put me on the house or business, she is expecting me to come begging back, that’s usually how she plays this, that way she takes no blame and can set new rules/expectations. I will not play that game no longer, if I do wind up back with her, the ONLY way is if she puts me on house and business, that way if she kicks me out again at least ill get some of my hard work back.