by Quinn Pierce
The other day, in one of my counseling sessions, I was recounting a story about some family members who still interact with my ex-husband, despite my requests that they respect me enough to not have any contact with him.
I was no longer angry or annoyed by their behavior, I had since realized it is much easier if I lower my expectations for some people in my life and distance myself from others. But, I was curious about their inability to stop contact with my ex-husband even after knowing everything he has done to my family.
The Inexplicable Bond
It led me to wonder: Why is it so difficult to detach from a sociopath?
It seems as though it makes no difference if some people know the truth about what damage a sociopath has caused, they are still eager to maintain some kind of connection. At first, this was very hurtful for me, but over time, I’ve come to accept that I can’t be responsible for other people’s decisions, and I cannot take their actions as a personal attack.
For one thing, a sociopath, such as my ex-husband, can form strong bonds with those just outside their inner circle by presenting themselves as a respectable, caring, even adoring and genuine person. This was what people around us believed for many years. When we divorced, it was just too inconceivable for some of my family and friends to accept that the person they knew was actually a monster.
It would mean questioning their own ability to see past someone else’s polished exterior. Not many people are willing to admit they had such a huge lapse in judgment. I actually understand this to an extent, because I know how foolish I felt after learning the truth about the man I had married- and stayed married to for over fifteen years.
Denial: The Easier Choice
Also, it’s easy for sociopaths to ”˜shine their light’ on people they don’t see all that often, and that is an addicting quality of a sociopath. If my ex-husband wants to put someone on a pedestal, he will figure out just what that person’s greatest emotional need is and then exploit it in a manipulative way that makes him look like a hero.
For those of us in an intimate relationship with such a person, that trait is what we hold out for as we wade through the sea of negativity that surrounds the remainder of the relationship. It’s like a drug, but only enough to keep you addicted.
My family members may actually prefer to believe he is the person they want him to be, because it is much more comfortable than giving up that praise and having to deal with my much less enjoyable reality.
Responding To Other People’s Pain
The final reason I came up with (and I’m sure there are many more) is that those of us who are not sociopaths have emotions such as compassion and empathy and we are capable of feeling bad for people who appear to be hurting.
My ex-husband still cries regularly when he wants sympathy for not seeing his sons as much as he thinks he should. Others don’t realize it has nothing to do with a father’s love for his children and everything to do with the type of father he wants to portray himself to be to the outside world.
I can honestly say that I am guilty of this, as well. Just after my separation, I agreed to allow my ex-husband to visit my boys every day after work. I pushed aside my anger, fear, and resentment, because I still believed there was an intrinsic love that all fathers must have for their children that was instinctual, if nothing else.
Reality Check
I later learned that he was more interested in checking on me every day, making sure I wasn’t involved with another man, and making sure I wasn’t poisoning my children against him than he was in spending time with his children.
The visits soon tapered off, leaving my children wondering why their dad didn’t come by to see them anymore. I’m sure I made up yet another excuse to soften the blow from his apathy.
Redefining Relationships
Detaching from a sociopath is definitely a complicated, messy, and unnatural process. In a sense, we have to accept that there is a population of humans who lack humanity. It is a frightening realization and an even more frightening reality.
Who wants to walk around knowing there are people walking by them right at that moment who have no empathy, shallow emotions, and use manipulation and abuse as a means of controlling those they proclaim to love?
So, I can understand, to an extent, why some people in my life refuse to accept these facts for what they are. As I said, I cannot be responsible for their decisions. I can, however, be responsible for mine. As difficult as it is, I choose to keep a more superficial and distanced relationship with those I was once close with, simply because I cannot allow myself to be around unsupportive and unhealthy people.
No More Excuses
I spent half of my life making excuses for someone who was going out of his way to be hurtful and deceptive. In order to be healthy, I have to honor myself, and that means not making excuses for anyone else, even if it means grieving the loss of a once close relationship with a friend or relative.
I would rather lose a friend or two than the parts of me that I worked so hard to recover.
Bren-
Your life will improve over time. What you need right now is to have faith in your ability to get past this. Sometimes, when we’re really low, it helps to have someone to confide in, and a good anti-depressant can’t hurt.
If you can’t afford the help you need, go to your local hospital and ask if they have a mental health clinic. Most large hospitals do, and they provide services for free to people who are not able to pay. Often those services include both a therapist, psychiatrist, and medication.
At the very least, you’re never alone when you have people who care for you on this site. Many of us have been where you are today, and we now have joy back in our lives. We know that you will feel this way also. It’s a painful journey, but there is light at the end of that tunnel.
All the best!
Joyce
my local hospital is an hour away and would refer me to social services. no one accepts medicaid. the county clinic is full of spaths and other sick ppl masquerading as shrinks –from wat my friend, who tried for yrs to find a sane counselor, tells me. she found one after 5 yrs and then he retired 3 yrs later. of course lol now she copes with unrelenting depression alone (shes on tons of meds, yes–she just needs yrs more of therapy) as its been 18mos now and all she encounters are CRAZIES.
there is no help for impoverished ppl in need of counseling. its a simple but unconvenient lie.
Bren-
It’s very true that our sense of manhood is patterned after our fathers. And regardless of how bad our experiences were with them, we felt comfortable around men who were very much like them.
Rather than ruminating on what caused your association with someone who harmed you, at this point, you need to focus on feeling better about yourself. Make sure you go to bed at a reasonable hour, and that you get out in the sunshine and get some exercise every day.
If there is a charity nearby that you can work with, nothing puts a sense of dignity and self worth back into your life than extending a helping hand to others. You need to focus on the things that make you feel good about yourself, even if all you really want to do is crawl back in bed and pull the covers up over your head.
The more you do, the more you’ll feel like doing. And the more confident and capable you’ll feel.
Stay away from people who don’t validate your feelings. Be good to yourself.
All the best-
Joyce
fsufan58: Thank you for your words. There are times when I am so sad and then I think of what he did. The lies and the cheating and then more lies and it is amazing to me how, no matter what he does, he always comes out smelling like a rose.
Do these guys ever get what’s coming to them? I mean really?
Yes! How do they do it? Do these guys ever get what’s coming to them? Wow. How many times I’ve said that! I do believe they will in the next life, it not in this one. I would have never known they even existed (except as serial killers) if I hadn’t been married to one. I kept telling myself he was normal, just had some problems, but then, it just didn’t compute. “DOES NOT COMPUTE” kept going through my mind when his actions were vastly different than his words and promises over and over. Yes, I was a naive virgin when I met him. It took me 13 years to finally wrench away from his clutches. Even then, he tried to get control of our children. Now he seems to live an idyllic life with a new victim and three more young children. I, however, hear about “cracks in the veneer” from my adult children. Even if you warn people about their behavior, no one believes you because they have already smeared your reputation with lies. My only regret is that I did not wise up a lot sooner. This website is such a great resource. It let’s me know I’m not insane after all.
Karma is a b—ch! It takes time, but they always get caught. I went thru the same thing. People would think I was fabricating things in my mind, and exaggerating. I thought I married my best friend, WRONG! He took every dime, left me without a home, and never paid taxes to his company in over 14 yrs. I was fighting for my life, and trying to protect the people close to me. I may have lost everything, but I did not loose my mind. The other people are now going thru this, and I laugh. Glad It is not me!I recently visited our son’s grave, and attached to the grave was a voided check taped to the stone-call me with his new telephone number. What a sick bastard! I never responded, took the check home, made a copy, and sent it to the IRS criminal investigations. I am not putting up with the manipulation, and control -that ended. Keep your ground, and never, never any contact. Your day will shine one day.
Be positive, and the right person will be in your life.
im pretty sure spaths dont get wats coming to them in this life. they are soooo good at slimeing their way out of watever they need to and feel no remorse or guilt which brings miserable feelinds. BUT
they
will
have
HELL
to
pay
once they croak.
even if they didnt, i dont care enough about the spath to care where or when or IF he gets any payback. my energy is on my life. hes just sumone i used to know.
so rly, my kids and i WON.
I still worry everyday that I will pay the price for something he has said or done in a lie. Right now I am without a vehicle because my daughter got into a crash with it, and he never put her on the car insurance like he said he would. Why would I believe he would? that was so stupid! he is always ignoring the rules or the law. It is so hard to think that I let his charm and his lies to me about how he loved me, make me blind or to ignore the things he was up to that would harm my family. I was so desperate for his love. I really wanted to believe someone could connect with me and love me as much as he said he did. I get so sick to my stomach and sometimes scream out loud when I think of how much he lied to my face, looking directly into my eyes and telling me he did not want me to hurt and he was goin to take care of me and love me forever, that I was beautiful and sexy and smart and caring, and he appreciates me, all the while, cheating and telling lies over and over. we were together for twenty years. when I found out proof of him cheating a couple times, I actually excused him for it due to our money problems(which he caused)and stress from his mother passing away, and I took him back, believing that he really did love me, and didn’t really want to hurt me. But one year ago, I found out about yet another girl, and this time he got extremely violent with me when trying to read her messages to him. He was protecting her and not me, and then calmly sat down on the sofa and asked if he could hold me as if he had not just done horrific acts to me. WHAT?! I was so lost and confused. since then,both me and my children have had protection from abuse orders against him. He still thinks he is coming back to the house in April when the next one is up. I keep telling him he is not, and that he needs to sign divorce papers. I have yet another year till the courts will enforce the divorce. He is at this point permitted by the courts to visit with our son. My son is so angry with him and sad, and never wants to go on the visits. I hate that he has to see him and I can’t be there to protect him. My son has become shut down and does not talk very much. I just keep reminding him that I love him and that things will get better. Will they? I fear they may get worse. I could go on and on and tell parts of my story that would probably even make your jaws drop, but I do not want to relive all the pain. I wish I could stop praying for God to relieve him of his demon self and grant him empathy and to really know how to feel, like I thought he once did. I know it can’t happen, but I still want it too. I told him that his first day in hell in the afterlife would be all the pain and emotions that others felt due to his lies, would rush into him all at once and he would know what devastation feels like for eternity
shelby – all I can say is I hope so but let God or Karma or whatever you believe in deal with that and concentrate on you and yours.
I know my ex has portrayed me as the biggest b*tch from hell. In my quest to prove he was having an affair 3 years ago I managed to work out his FB login. I saw with my own eyes how he portrayed me as alcoholic, couch potato. He would tell how the kids hated it when he wasn’t around so that’s why he stayed with me, for them. I would come in from my dance class and log in as him and laugh (out loud sometimes) at what he was saying about me – so far from the truth it was beyond belief that he would say these things. But it was all about deflection. On the other hand his portrayal of himself was positively saintly. Even though he was telling people about his affair he made it totally excusable. I would read these ‘friends’ saying “don’t blame you mate, who wouldn’t, not your fault’ and think you idiots! One of the funniest things I read was when he was saying we’d not had sex for years (which was the only true thing he ever said)he wrote: “I’ve had monks queuing up at the door asking me how I do it?” – I really laughed at that one but again, he was portraying himself as the poor victim here, the man who’s wife didn’t want him – how could he go without sex, etc. Truth is it was him who didn’t want it! For years I had tried and failed. I know the truth. I even have the divorce papers to prove it since the first two ‘reasosn’ for divorce I gave refer to him not wanting any intimacy after having our children and how he would insult me and took away all my confidence. In his solicitors’ reply he said that he disagreed with points 3-6 but he didn’t deny the first two points! Even though I know all this and so, so much more, I have neighbours I’ve known for 20+ years who don’t look at me now. I know he went canvassing immediately after I told him I wanted a divorce and with some of them a long time before that but he still walks around as if butter wouldn’t melt!
I think it will be the case for a long time but I am a firm believer in right and wrong and I do believe that one day, in one shape or another, he will get what is coming to him. Even if it is not what I would expect or hope it to be, it will happen.
In the meantime, myself and the kids growing happier and stronger now that he is out of our lives is probably his worse possible punishment!
Overthehump – I’m sorry that you have had to go through that. Luckily, my family has taken my side and most of my friends who knew my s-path, were horrified. But, I’m still left with the detritus of the relationship and have been extremely discouraged that I’ve not met anyone else to take the memory of him away.
The funny thing about the sex part is that my s-path had to start on blood pressure medicine which took the wind out of his sails. I had to sort of laugh at that.
I hope you stay strong and that you will overcome this and come out the other end a much happier person.
Hi LF peeps,
It helps me to be here and that all of you know that I couldn’t possibly be making any of the things up that happened with him if I rambled on for hours and hours and hours. I’ll try not to fall off my original train of thought that made me want to post it tonight.
I’ve been reading the posts from everyone and I know that I too have wondered if he would ever get what’s coming to him.
He just HAS TO feel some kind of heartache or pain that would be as equivalent or worse than the pain he caused me and everyone else he did his thing to!!! It has to happen some day right, it just has to? Karma? Circle of Life? Faith? idk
For 3 1/2 years, I allowed a lot of BS to keep being hurled at me and I’m gonna work on myself so I don’t let That Crap happen again, but, well…..I want to share something with other LF peeps who have been in shoes like mine, and you may not think it or feel it right now but, did you know that maybe, just maybe, deep down inside that you really might not care at all if they get what’s coming to them even after all that crap you went through?
Something happened yesterday.
First know that Jan 8th, last Wednesday was the end. I have come to that point, mercifully, where I finally, finally, finally, actually want to stay away from him forever.
I’m sure I wasn’t consciously thinking about whether or not he would get what’s coming to him during that last made-me-late-for-work-by-blocking-my-parked-car-with-his-car fiasco fight on Wednesday, but I’ll admit to thinking like that previously a few times for sure.
We’ve split up a dozen times or more, for days, weeks and there were 3 one-month long splits in the 3 1/2 yrs I was with him.
That ‘FOG’ started to lift a while back, but I kept trying to hold on to a stupid lie and that “illusion” I created in my mind about him and us.
Through it all, I can say that I’ve discovered how persistent I can be, and that this can be a good thing when it comes to not giving up too quick when things get tough.
I just didn’t know that my being a die-hard ‘persistent’ person would be the perfect ‘Mouse’ to his ‘Cat’.
Quite a weird ride I chose to stay on…….yuck. He deserves all the crap he gets!!!!! Right?
Today is one week of not seeing him and I plan on piling on the days to come of NO CONTACT but, yesterday……I heard his voice on my cell phone.
I’ve blocked his numbers. I didn’t recognize the phone number and I didn’t expect him to call me while I was at work because he never had before, but when my cell rang at 1:30pm at work yesterday I answered it. I usually let calls go to voice mail while I am at work, but I answered it for some reason.
He said “It’s M” I said Goodbye and hung up. He called right back, I answered it and he blurted out “I’m in the hospital”. I said he needs to call his mother, goodbye. I hung up.
Hmm, a Pity Play? Sorry, it won’t work on me. Not this time.
After about 15-20 minutes though, a different thought crossed my mind…what if he is in the hospital due to something contagious? ewwww. I need to find out.
I called that number back, got his room number and was transferred to his room. He really was in the hospital by the way.
I asked him why he was in the hospital?
— HEART ATTACK!!–the day before on the 13th
I asked him what he was doing when it happened. I guess I asked that because I could see him possibly actually bringing one on himself, when I flashed on the picture memory of him while he was yelling and ranting and pacing and screaming and foaming at the mouth that he does during most of the arguments we had.
He was driving a couple friends around to help them with errands and had just dropped one of them off at home, when he ended up having to get to the emergency room where they took him right in and did surgery and hooked him up.
I asked him if he was able to reach his mother and he said they had and that he thinks something they just gave him was going to make him sick or pass out and so I told him that I will let him go now and to take care.
I hung up. I’m not going to visit him in the hospital. I don’t like hospitals anyway and I’ve told him this before. I’m not going to visit him anywhere, anymore.
What happened yesterday that answered any question on whether or not I really care if he ever gets what’s coming to him or not?
Well, it was a nice surprise to me but, yesterday I found out that I am still ME in here, even though I was worried I had lost something in ME, I didn’t lose ME! He didn’t kill ME! I haven’t turned off my respect and care for other human beings no matter what heartache he/it/they may cause ME to react to.
I don’t care whether he gets what he deserves or not!! Hmm, I can hardly believe I can say this.
How do I know? Because when he told me he had a heart attack, I wasn’t glad to hear it one single bit. Sincerely.
It was like I was that grey rock some LF and other peeps have mentioned on how to keep any reactions from showing to a spath, without even trying to. It just happened. Just like it implies I had NO loving or pity feelings. I had NO feelings whatsoever about it one way or the other except that I was glad he was getting care and his mother was notified.
In the past 3 1/2 years with him, I may have thought “good, that’s what he deserves”, but I didn’t think it yesterday.
In a way, his heart just did experience a great deal of pain that he has never felt before. It’s just a different kind of pain. Same organ.
Did his Heart Attack cause him the kind of Heart-Ache that’s equivalent to the heart-ache he has caused? Who knows. I just know that I must have been so hurt and angry to ever think like that in the first place, because that’s just not ME.
I think that most of you would find that you really wouldn’t care if they got what was coming to them or not either. I know they are awful. It hurt like hell being with him. Heart-in-a-blender. But, somewhere inside of you is YOU! 🙂 YOU are still in there. YOU are still YOU. yeah, it came as a surprise to me too…… I AM STILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Yay, I CARE! YOU CARE! You know you do, or you wouldn’t be reading LF. You want to be FREE and you want to be YOU. ME too. 🙂
I WIN, no matter what happens to him. See?
So do you if you Keep NO CONTACT.
Time, Peace,
Jenni Marie
YES YES YES i have been saying this in so many posts…dont try to get all that is (truly) urs, dont try to get even, dont try to make sense out of his behavior, dont wait to see ur revenge, cosmically-caused of course.
until the spath has become just sum1 u used to know, u are connected to him.
and that is poison to ur soul.
it also eats up ur energy to turn him into the IRS or FBI or whomever. its just ur way of exacting revenge. and revenge is a bitter pill, it’s never sweet.
wen we’re still caring that much about a person to hate, we’re still caring TOO MUCH. the spath deserves nothing, not one more iota of ur energy or thots.
let go of him FOR YOU.
much love to all on this site,
Hélène
We talk here about our spath being someone that we used to know, but the truth is, we never really knew them. I used to ask my husband, beg my husband, to be himself, that I loved him and wanted/needed intimacy in the way you could feel the intimate closeness of a 25 year marriage. This was something I always gave. Myself. He knew so much about me and I knew very little about him. I thought it was because he was bad with feelings and now I realize he was. He didn’t have them. I was just his cover for a illusion he wanted to project. The reasons I tolerated this feeling of just being tolerated all those years are complex. A Nisstic mother, a shutdown dad, equally confused siblings, no really good role models of people with respect or self respect. Yes, I realize now what a perfect pawn I was. Bred from birth. Naive, empathetic, taught to give people the benefit of the doubt, one of my mothers favorite sayings. These are not the values I taught to my children and hopefully they have not built their lives around those who use and discard, but example teaches when words can not and I fear each day that what I lived negated what I said. Fast forward to now, the reality. I never really knew him.
Ain’t-
You’re so right. Getting free is the best thing one can do. But grieving losses is part of the healing process.
One of the ploys I used to manage mine was to force myself to box it into a specific time frame. Each day I’d give myself a little bit less time to ponder, until I stopped needing to do so at all.
Writing my book was truly one of the most cathartic things to help me make sense of what happened and feel free from it. Putting it all down on paper, (or techno-paper), enables you to stop ruminating.
Best-
Joyce
ive been wanting to write a book about how i survived the loss of my best friend, lover and husband when we were just 25, with 2 kids and an infant to raise alone, since about 3 yrs after it happened.
maybe maybe MAYbe someday i’ll write it still.
im glad u got to write urs.
STOPbuggingme
My dad was also a ‘shutdown case’ and my mother was diagnosed with NPD. Actually, she may have been a sociopath.
Along came the sociopath in my life (who I found out years later had targeted me since the fourth grade!)
Anybody read Albert Camus? My favorite quote of his:
“Hell is other people”
Watcha waitin’ for? Just do it!
The interesting thing about writing is that inspiration happens in the doing. If you start at your first encounter, it will evolve naturally and on its own.
Like anything else, it seems like a huge undertaking until you begin. Then the purpose of getting from one end to the other will carry you through.
Even if no one ever bought my book, I’d be abundantly glad that I wrote it! And every time a get a note or comment from folks telling me that it helped them is a thrill! At least something good could come of the heartache I went through.
Best-
Joyce
i always used to say i was writing 3 other bks…my children.
now im writing 2 more bks, my last 2 children.
someday i’ll be old and will have time.