by Quinn Pierce
The other day, in one of my counseling sessions, I was recounting a story about some family members who still interact with my ex-husband, despite my requests that they respect me enough to not have any contact with him.
I was no longer angry or annoyed by their behavior, I had since realized it is much easier if I lower my expectations for some people in my life and distance myself from others. But, I was curious about their inability to stop contact with my ex-husband even after knowing everything he has done to my family.
The Inexplicable Bond
It led me to wonder: Why is it so difficult to detach from a sociopath?
It seems as though it makes no difference if some people know the truth about what damage a sociopath has caused, they are still eager to maintain some kind of connection. At first, this was very hurtful for me, but over time, I’ve come to accept that I can’t be responsible for other people’s decisions, and I cannot take their actions as a personal attack.
For one thing, a sociopath, such as my ex-husband, can form strong bonds with those just outside their inner circle by presenting themselves as a respectable, caring, even adoring and genuine person. This was what people around us believed for many years. When we divorced, it was just too inconceivable for some of my family and friends to accept that the person they knew was actually a monster.
It would mean questioning their own ability to see past someone else’s polished exterior. Not many people are willing to admit they had such a huge lapse in judgment. I actually understand this to an extent, because I know how foolish I felt after learning the truth about the man I had married- and stayed married to for over fifteen years.
Denial: The Easier Choice
Also, it’s easy for sociopaths to ”˜shine their light’ on people they don’t see all that often, and that is an addicting quality of a sociopath. If my ex-husband wants to put someone on a pedestal, he will figure out just what that person’s greatest emotional need is and then exploit it in a manipulative way that makes him look like a hero.
For those of us in an intimate relationship with such a person, that trait is what we hold out for as we wade through the sea of negativity that surrounds the remainder of the relationship. It’s like a drug, but only enough to keep you addicted.
My family members may actually prefer to believe he is the person they want him to be, because it is much more comfortable than giving up that praise and having to deal with my much less enjoyable reality.
Responding To Other People’s Pain
The final reason I came up with (and I’m sure there are many more) is that those of us who are not sociopaths have emotions such as compassion and empathy and we are capable of feeling bad for people who appear to be hurting.
My ex-husband still cries regularly when he wants sympathy for not seeing his sons as much as he thinks he should. Others don’t realize it has nothing to do with a father’s love for his children and everything to do with the type of father he wants to portray himself to be to the outside world.
I can honestly say that I am guilty of this, as well. Just after my separation, I agreed to allow my ex-husband to visit my boys every day after work. I pushed aside my anger, fear, and resentment, because I still believed there was an intrinsic love that all fathers must have for their children that was instinctual, if nothing else.
Reality Check
I later learned that he was more interested in checking on me every day, making sure I wasn’t involved with another man, and making sure I wasn’t poisoning my children against him than he was in spending time with his children.
The visits soon tapered off, leaving my children wondering why their dad didn’t come by to see them anymore. I’m sure I made up yet another excuse to soften the blow from his apathy.
Redefining Relationships
Detaching from a sociopath is definitely a complicated, messy, and unnatural process. In a sense, we have to accept that there is a population of humans who lack humanity. It is a frightening realization and an even more frightening reality.
Who wants to walk around knowing there are people walking by them right at that moment who have no empathy, shallow emotions, and use manipulation and abuse as a means of controlling those they proclaim to love?
So, I can understand, to an extent, why some people in my life refuse to accept these facts for what they are. As I said, I cannot be responsible for their decisions. I can, however, be responsible for mine. As difficult as it is, I choose to keep a more superficial and distanced relationship with those I was once close with, simply because I cannot allow myself to be around unsupportive and unhealthy people.
No More Excuses
I spent half of my life making excuses for someone who was going out of his way to be hurtful and deceptive. In order to be healthy, I have to honor myself, and that means not making excuses for anyone else, even if it means grieving the loss of a once close relationship with a friend or relative.
I would rather lose a friend or two than the parts of me that I worked so hard to recover.
AWESUM book i just happened to spot as i went out of the library. I almost passed it by as I thot it was probably for adultery and that wasnt a problem w/the NPD/BPD. But it also said BETRAYAL and i definitely felt that, i gave my love and he hurt me. that’s betrayal in a nutshell rite?
Well the bk said for ppl involved in emotional abuse, deceit, infidelity and chronic resentment. BRING IT ON lol So i picked it up.
Living & Loving, After Betrayal by steven stosny. He doesn’t seem to have had any experience with spaths in his counseling career….he even belittles labelling a douchebag u broke up with as a sociopath or personality disorder (ur just feeling contempt doncha know) BUT just ignore that as the rest of the bk is not affected by it. He does not think u should pursue a “second chance” if u dont want to or realize ur dealing with someone who CAN’T love.
SO
if u can’t/dont wanna try again,be assured most of the bk is healing urself b4 u even think about whether or not u want to give ur relationship another shot. And the healing can be life-altering, IMO.
Now, if u do want to see, Stosny offers up ways to ensure its success this go around. Like — the betrayer signs a paper they will cut off their arm if THEY EVER BETRAY U AGAIN. They have to be that serious about their commitment, that much wanting to be with u. A normal jerk would do this, they would try to make it up to u, feel remorse, want to soothe ur fears. Want to learn to cherish u.
Stosny also speaks about the relationship cycle everyone has. Closeness, routine, drift apart/stress, distress/crisis, closeness, routine…
Now anyone in abuse counseling can tell u in a disordered person the cycle is normalcy/honeymoon, stress/watever excuse the abuser makes up, abuse, remorse (less & less as time goes on), normalcy (shorter and shorter time b4 the abuse each time till its almost constant).
BUT if u were dealing with a functioning brain in ur partner, u could use the bk’s methods if u wanted to give it a shot. U can tell pretty quick if its working IMO. AND u know its going to take about 3 abuse cycles worth of time b4 u will relax but no ones forcing u to “trust” or “quit living in the past”. Its all about you, the betrayed. If ur partner cant deal that, he can walk; u now have boundaries. U of course will receive the efforts ur partner puts out and give if u want to also. But u have to see it working in ur subconscious. Ur brain knows whats happening even when ur heart wont see it. Once ur brain accepts the betrayer as indeed trying, consistently (thru concrete methods) over a period of time (could be 3 mos to 3yrs depending on what the abuse cycle length used to be)and changing in concrete metrics, ur relationship can blossom even. U can learn to even trust again, it will just happen, Lord knows u can’t give trust when u’ve been hurt this bad.
I saw this as good for other relationships too where someone has screwed up bad…a mom doing drugs instead of raising her kids and then she gets clean, a kid who ruins his parents’ lives but then sincerely is repentant and has a length of restitution behind him, a friend who maybe cheated with ur bf and is now figuring out u are very important in her life.
The betrayer has alot of work to do on him/herself. The same work u do. Its about core values. The bk is a wkbk also with serious work for u do and then implement thruout ur day. Things u mite be asked to process thru if u were in therapy once a week.
Just using it for this will help me alot. It took me 2 days to get thru it, without rly doing the exericse yet, and i read very fast. Its deep and thot-provoking. It’s not condemning.
One chapter lists some quick red flags u can see at the very beginning of a relationship and that pretty much guarantee u will be betrayed–AND WHY (always important to me). Yeah, my recent ex flagged almost every one lol.
Hope this helps someone reading it…i’d buy it, its that good. Im going to get my clinically chronically-depressed friend to read it also. shes been thru decades of therapy but i think it would help her even if she applied it.
It’s important to know when there’s hope and when there’s not. Sometimes, people make mistakes. But sometimes, they have a Cluster B personality disorder and can’t be reformed.
All of us have a sense of whether the person we were betrayed by did so in a continual fashion, or whether they’re a person of moral decency that had a momentary lapse in judgement.
People can act out in an adaptive fashion to deal with a circumstance, or they can be purposefully manipulative and harmful. Once you recognize that the person who harmed you has no affective empathy, can’t put themselves in another person’s shoes, repeats wrongdoing but is always “blameless,” it’s time to acknowledge that they’re part of the 1-4% of society with Cluster B personality disorder and it’s time to protect yourself from further damage.
Betrayal can take many forms, defrauding, consistent demeaning and manipulation, threats of abandonment, violence, infidelity, etc. And yes, people who are morally intact may behave in the same fashion on occasion, but they not only will repent, they will not try to make it your fault.
So in determining whether or not to try to make things work, a victim of betrayal needs to think seriously about the empathy and sincere caring that exists in their mate, and not be blinded by the toxic glue in their brain that keeps them stuck in a relationship that will put them at risk.
I had the luxury of having a psychiatrist tell me that my ex was a psychopath. I’d put up with, as anyone who reads my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, will realize, a tremendous amount of harm. I had absolutely no idea that psychopaths walk among us with charming demeanor and abundant charm. I thought I could cure the problem with love. After all, doesn’t love conquer all?
Now that we know that there are really folks out there with mal-intent who can’t be “cured,” we need to make this fact recognized by society to spare others the harm we endured.
Joyce
totally true, which is why i have been peeling myself off layer by excruciating layer for weeks now. this book offers ways to mentally dissolve that toxic dump of a glue, better and more completely. i have been doing the first exercises today and realize im probably halfway into the book’s method already just by my hard work b4hand. and my need to get better for my kids.
the NPD/BPD txtd me last nite 1st time in idk, a month (how ironic lol) that he “missed me but cudnt be with me”. like it was MY loss. LMAO
yes i shudnt have replied but i rly wanted to tell him…u are happy with who u are, and wont see u need help. so NO, u cant be with ME.
so i did say just that.
and ignored any other replies and felt delighted all day. not flustered or drained, just as happy as ive been lately. ive BEEN HAPPY for almost a week now. that feels like heaven to me. i have nothing to be happy about. my life is rly terrible. but i am happy. i am grateful.
i dont care that its his loss or if he ever understands anything about us or me. idc if he ever sees what he did. i dont need his validation of my hurt. wen i do feel like that…i can know how to get thru that.
i was soooo angry b4 i left, trapped there for several months and soooooooo angry wen i did leave that all the mushy stuff seemed to be easily disposed of (well if a month and a half whilst dealing with a major surgery interlude and kids is easy lol). i was angry at me too. but rly super furious at his treatment of me and the kids. it was rly unacceptable, i am not THAT bad for petes sake! lol
the more i am out of the situation the less i believe there was an US or any love, besides mine, in the relationship.
it was a facade as some1 posted about. a reflection of me.
this bk i described above, appearing wen it did, in my life, was perfectly timed. i wish i wud have had this available wen i dealt with a betrayal of infidelity decades ago. i cudnt stop the hurt no matter wat. i cudnt eat, i cudnt breathe at times. for MONTHS. and we got bad counsel from well meaning ppl. several different ones. he was a normal jerk, not disordered, who was very sorry and wanted to make it right. and it was super hard for me still. i can relate to the pain alot of ppl on here go thru with the spath infidelity. one time my “normal” man who was unfaithful tried to blame it in even a small way on me…he never dared again lol to not have someone whose brain works as the culprit, well thats horrific.
this way of regaining urself thru awareness of ur core values and implementing them daily…thinking, but also imagining right images instead hurtful feelings, practicing ur values… seems important to my healing.
i am going to get this right this time.
If nothing else, i have in concrete my boundaries!
Good for you, ain’t! Sounds like the book helped you get clarity and a way to cleanse your soul! Seems like a winner!
Joyce
ah joyce, my soul doesnt need cleansing.
his does, eh?
i need to stay true to my values.
acknowledge to myself, to God, any failings i made–as of course i did, being human…but then act to stay true, from now on, to my core.
i’ll be alot farther along the road to that goal, processing thru these exercises over the next months.
10 weeks 2mrw i got free! YAY
Quinn, great article but of course, so sorry you had to suffer the pain of involvement with a socio. You said, “In a sense, we have to accept that there is a population of humans who lack humanity. It is a frightening realization and an even more frightening reality.”
I believe this is the part the hangs me up. I continue to wonder if, in fact, the monster in my life was really socio, even tho he has basically all the characteristics. I just made excuse after excuse for his flirtatious, appreciative, amazingly perceptive behavior one day, quickly followed by dismissive, incongruous, opposing behaviors the next. One day, albeit very weirdly, he asked me to go away with him. A few days later, it was as if it had never happened, he never brought it up again. In fact, he told me I’d love it out West, I should think about moving there. I was at a complete loss, making excuse after excuse for him. “Oh, he has to pretend because we’re at work and he’s the boss,” “his marriage is going South and he’s mentally and emotionally a mess” (he had told me that, along with the fact that he was “in a fog.”” As I look back now, a few yrs later, I see him exactly as he was, someone who cared not a whit for me, someone who said supportive, strangely caring and flirtatious things one day, then diss’d me the next because I meant less than nothing to him. He said things that made it seem he felt I was a part of his life, always looking for ways that we were alike, sympatico. It is so difficult to accept that anyone could be so cold and I was completely addicted to the crumbs he threw me and totally excused all the things he said and did that were dissmissive. His ability to just walk away from me, to not respond to my emails, to be on it one day and off the next were impossible for me to understand (cog diss). Being an empath, I am unable to conceive of sociopathy, so of course, it just makes me sick to look back at those months spent deluded and not feel like a jerk. I am still very interested in what he’s up to, and I know he’s in a world of trouble, but I also know he is probably cool as a cuke about it and still trying to make it with everyone.
I had no physical relationship with this jerk, thank heavens. No way. For me, that would have been suicide.
As well, I have always chosen inappropriate, unavailable men (not married, just emotionally or physically unavailable), then angst’d over them, so you can see I have intimacy problems of my own. I call the path my “Imaginary Lover.” That is exactly what he was and basically all I can really handle. I got lost in what *could* be, knowing it was impossible (safe). It’s not him that I cared for and now mourn, it’s the high, the feelings of appreciation and support that buoyed me and made me feel, even look!! younger and beautiful. I could hardly believe the reflection in the mirror. I chose crumbs over a real relationship.
u know, just today i had burst someone’s bubble on FB as I posted a picture with the words: Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life’s too short to put up with fools.
an innocent (meaning, never dealt with a disordered person b4) basically commented how it was my fault i gave the fool that power to take away my joy. i replied, Tabitha…innocence is bliss…
POP!
so for u to doubt it possible is really really human of u. no one likes to admit these ppl exist.
or that they (or we) could be suckered into their sick, miserable world & STAY!
believe it.
its true.
its one reason they have so much power; no one likes to admit the boogeyman is real.
now that u know, keep moving foward.
Still-
Cluster B personality disorder really exists. It’s not important to define whether they’re sociopathic, psychopathic, borderline, etc. But that are all people who lack affective empathy and conscience. They manipulate in and out of relationships as it suits their needs.
Our relationships with them are not “love” because without affective empathy, they’re not capable of caring. That are capable, however, of wanting, but only as suits their needs. People they engage with are simply toys to be played with as you would a doll when you were a child, except, as a person with empathy, you would have taken good care of yours.
From the instant they know you, they size up your empathy level. If it’s high, you’ll be forgiving and caring, so they’ll be able to get over on you. If not, they’ll simply move on. The initial flattery is a “grooming process” to test your emotional makeup and put you under their spell. What they do, subsequently is totally a matter of what their needs are at the time.
While you thought they were attempting to build a relationship with you, they are actually figuring out how useful you’ll be to them, and manipulate you into a position of providing what they want.
Don’t for one moment think you did something wrong, in fact the very concept that you were the kind of empathetic, caring person that a psychopath would take time with, is a testament to your character.
Now that you know that such character disordered folks exist, simply be careful that you don’t let someone into your heart who lacks affective empathy.
Joyce
aintgonna, how right you are. “an innocent (meaning, never dealt with a disordered person b4) basically commented how it was my fault i gave the fool that power to take away my joy.”
There are times when I feel this way about myself, it’s my fault, and I am to blame. I did know I was doing the wrong thing by becoming friends w/this weird-o but I was attracted and he was my boss. I was very heady over it after years of misery from management at previous jobs and things not the best at home either.
I am still trying to stop wanting to figure out what happened. I still focus on him when I don’t want to face real issues and that is a bad thing for every reason imagineable. Thanks for your helpful input, aint.
Joyce, were you there?? It seems so! I so appreciate the generous comments. I know all that you say is true. I was played and I was not a favorite toy. He did not try very hard as we never ventured out of the office. But each time I thought I could untangle from the web, he would say or do something that pulled me back in. This guy was so good, most all of his comments were ambiguous or could be interpreted as just friendly, such as after I was away for 2 days and he stood there at my desk and said, “You’ll never know how much you were missed.” Since he was the only person there I really spoke or related to, he had to be talking about himself. There were other times he blurted things out that were personal but never any “I” statements.
I appreciate your kind comments as to why he chose me, and it helps. I just wish I could find out something about him that would turn me completely off. I can’t stand the guy, and had he pressed me very hard, it would have completely scared me away. He just wasn’t that into me. I sure wish he would have pushed harder. I would have fled mentally and emotionally, probably physically too. I was looking for another job and interviewing, wanted so badly to get out of there but he was dumped before me and that was what I was trying to avoid. Somehow I felt if I left first, I would feel like I had made the choice to leave him behind and that would make me feel empowered and more able to cast his memories behind me. With his leaving first, I felt each and every person there knew things I didn’t know, as most were there longer than I and it drove me crazy. The few people I asked said they had no idea why he was walked out. I knew he was in big trouble because he intimated that to me for months but never the particulars. Such a mind f. Sorry, but that is exactly what it was. That’s why I wanted to leave first instead of being immersed in more confusion. I would not be surprised if he told people I was hitting on and bothering him. OMG….geez.
Again, many thanks for words that soothe and help. Take care, Joyce, and hope you are doing well.
Hi Still-
Those of us that have researched these issues and come out from under the “spell” have an easier time seeing clearly. We’re no longer affected by the withdrawal from the positive feelings created by manipulative behavior. Keeping your distance will help you analyze it more clearly as well.
Their patterns are not unique. They perform their grooming, evoking a connection, and then spring their trap. Blaming the victim is a common occurrence and you need to go easy on yourself. They are very cunning. You wanted a connection, and there is absolutely nothing wrong in finding someone attractive and interesting. The problem is that some people that appear attractive on the surface, are simply wolves in sheep’s clothing.
It was his fault for being harmful. Not yours for desiring social contact.
Joyce
Thanks Joyce. Very sensible,and you are living proof that one can wrest themselves from the horror caused by a connection that never really existed but still wreaked so much internal and external havoc. I liken it to a brain parasite or worm that you have to find a way to kill or it just hangs there. For me, my job, working out and seeing friends are the best way to keep my mind off it. The minute I get into the car or by myself, I am back on analysis of a dreadful and sinister experience I am not able to embrace. It’s my nature unfortunately to obsess. Therapy over many decades helps keep my thoughts in perspective but I’ve been told by excellent therapists that treatment for obsessive thoughts or even behaviors is not very helpful. I’ve tried many things. Other relationships in my life that triggered obsessing finally melted and disappeared from my thoughts after a time, but this parasite has not yet died. I think there is still a part of me that finds comfort in the absolute detachment from the world that I find when I think about my experience. It’s not about being with him or thinking he’s great or anything at all positive about him. It’s the obsessive analysis of what happened and my reaction which I fully do understand but was so shamefully pathetic on my part. I absolutely allowed my psyche to make room for another personality, one that allowed all kinds of craziness and made excuses for it. I felt it was a sign of growth on my part to understand this “person” and not expect much of him. I know what I have to do and why I’m not doing it but your knowledgeable responses help so much.
Take care, Joyce.
Dear still, even when a guy is not a sociopath, I have a hard time getting over him – seems harder than the average woman I know. I’ve had a few men in my life last year that I still think about and sometimes obsess about. It has more to do with the bonding thing for me. I have come to dislike the way I am made – the way I bond with men from physical connection. This is not necessarily sex. I didn’t have sex with the last two. But there was sensual dancing – a lot of it – with one. And with the other, a weekend of cuddling and kissing and sleeping in the same bed together when I very spontaneously agreed to go on a cruise with him. I am amazed at the power of the bonding hormone. I am a touchy feely person by nature. Touch is my number one love language (per the book The Five Love Languages). This is one of the reasons salsa dancing appeals to me so much. I love all the touching and eye contact. But I constantly have to guard myself to keep from falling in love. It really sucks and I’m not really sure what to do about it. I know it’s different and 1000 times worse with a sociopath because of their all-out deception. But for me, it feels the same. Maybe it’s because I only dated the sociopath for 3 months total. With these other two guys, I knew one for about 8 months and the other for over a year.
Physical activity like working out and dancing seem to help with obsessing and keep me in my body. And just arranging my life so I have things to look forward to and get excited about. I think living your passion, whatever it is, helps with all things negative. I have been salsa dancing for a year and a half now. And recently, I’m starting to teach. This has brought so much joy into my life, there’s almost no room for the negative anymore. I just have to watch myself with these salsa guys. I fell in love with one last year, and we got close, but he didn’t want to get involved with anyone. It was a real awakening for me. I no longer date any of the guys I dance with. Even with some of my students, as they build more confidence, they become flirtatious with me, and a sensual connection can happen. It is my job as the teacher to keep it on a professional level. So far, I’ve been able to do this. But in salsa, the lines become blurred. The reason I dance so well is that I’m not afraid to pull out all the stops when I dance – sexy styling and flirtation, and of course, lots of touching, is all part of the dance. The dangers are ever present. It’s both a joy for a romantic person like me, and also a curse.