“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
You’re welcome BP,
I too get this “guilt” trip every now and then when I think about the blessings that I have and HOW MUCH I have vs. people in other parts of the world, or here in the US or Mexico. I have a home, clean water, enough food, enough clothing, fuel to haul me where I need to go, fuel to cook my food and heat my house, and cool my house, and though I am not “rich” by most US standards I REALLY AM “more than rich enough” and then some. I feel guilty that I don’t SHARE enough with those who don’t have enough.
But, at the same time, I realize there are plenty of Ps out there who would be GLAD to RELIEVE me of most or all of what I have. I took one in last summer. She presented as a “wounded victim” (violin music playing here) unfairly abused by the psychopath.
Trouble was, yea, she had been “abused” all right she had been found out by her previous victim—I’m not sure if that previous victim was also a P or not, but in any case, she WAS out on her ass but it was NOT because she was victimized, it was because HER PLAN TO VICTIMIZE SOMEONE ELSE FAILED.
It took me a while to catch on to her con job, but I did catch on to her. I was actually proud that she didn’t really take me for anything except a bit of time. But I am pretty sure she was planning to. When I asked her to leave (nicely) “because you don’t seem to have benefited from the opportunities I have offered here of a safe place for you to stay while you GET A JOB and GET YOURSELF back together, I think you should probably go somewhere else that you will have BETTER OPPORTUNITY.” Boy, did she go bonkers! What a PITY PARTY she threw. IN fact, she recycled the stories she had told me about how the last person she mooched off of had mistreated her and accused me of the SAME THINGS. (Don’t want to bother spending time getting a new set of lies.) In fact, everything that had gone wrong in her life since she was born was MY FAULT! NOTHING was her responsibility or fault. It was ALL mine. Oh, Such a MEANIE I am!
I actually (maybe for the first time in my life) listened to a genuine psychopath accuse me of ruining their life, etc and DID NOT BUY A WORD, NOT ONE SINGLE WORD OF IT! That is worth every second I ispent with that woman. I LEARNED how to keep my emotional distance until somone had proven themselves. I learned not to ABSORB the guilt that a psychopath (or anyone else) tries to rub off on me for what THEY are responsible for. That was a big ATTA GIRL OXY! moment for me!
I actually got to like this woman, she was smart, talented, had a good education and a broad range of knowledge, she was good company. She was just a mooch and a liar. Everyone was supposed to work except her. She was ENTITLED to be TAKEN CARE OF by others. She was SPECIAL.
NOT around here though. I’ve had a rule a long time that anyone who eats here more than a couple of meals in a row pitches in and does their share, pulls their weight. She didn’t seem to like that rule either. Oh, well, she’s gone, and she was a very good learning opportunity for me. I just didn’t take her to raise.
yay Oxy..well done…..you absolutely handled it flawlessly. She was obviously poised to ‘milk’ her situation to get you feeling so sorry for her you would have…what…I suppose…break? or give in to her manipulations?
What I seriously love about you…(seriously now) lol… is….You will not tolerate being ‘worked’ or ‘used’ BUT and this is a big important but…you are still open, loving, understanding and want to assist people to the best of themselves….it is what I want to be too.
I want to be open, loving, peaceful, happy and assisting people to reach the best of themselves…and that does not include psychopaths and sociopaths….assisting THEM to be the best of themselves would be to watch them blossom into con merchants and successful frauds…glad you got away….!!!
Dear Bulletproof,
Thanks for the “high fives” sweetie, but I have “feet of clay” like the rest of the crew here, I’ve been used and abused and fooled and hoodwinked, and probably will be again, but I AM LEARNING and going toward the positive end of the scale…but there are so many things I have got to UN-learn that I have used as “coping skills” my whole life. I DO want to be the best that I can be, I always have wanted that, and wanted that for others too…problem was I didn’t know how to do it for myself, much less help others. I gave too much, I did too much, and in the end, my “enabling” came back to bite me in the arse BIG TIME.
Son D and I went out this evening and we ran into a lady he knew through the Boy Scouts at the big camp he works at every summer. She is a scout master and has two sons 17 and 19 that my son has known since they were 7-8 years old. This woman’s husband was murdered by his own brother 10-12 years ago and she was left with 2 sons, no job, then her house burned (wonder how THAT happened?) and her BIL never did a day in jail for her husband’s murder, or anything else….but with little education and everything “against her” she has survived, raised two great kids, and she’s building another house with her bare hands a board at a time! So you know, I thought I had it “tough” but compared to her, I had lots more job skills, and other comforts than this woman has so I am thanking the Good Lord today for all the blessings I have and BOINKING MYSELF UP-SIDE DA HAID for being such a whiney pot! LOL
I did learn a great deal from my “guest” last summer, and you know I realize that the gal I met today would have used every second she was here digging herself out of the hole she was in through no fault of her own, because of her Psychopathic BIL, and not have given me hell for not doing more for her. So the thing is I think we need to give back to others for the space we take up and the O-2 we breathe and the clean water we drink, we just need to be WISE about where we attempt to “give back” and make sure we are not being taken AGAIN by another P, who is posing as another “victim.”
How many of us have had Ps in our lives pose as “victims” and say how their (x-wife –or fill in the blank—) abused them, poor babies, and what a victim they have been and how only we can save them with our love and caring and oh, BTW, MONEY! Yea, and Money! Did I mention Money? LOL
Oxy,
Your neighbor gives us pause about how we view our own lives. I know that I have complained more than I actually took positive action and I’m glad you shared that story.
This makes the spaths even look more pathetic. A woman who overcomes such sadness and building her home by herself, wow, just wow. It is a message about living your life with integrity and deciding to NOT be a victim.
I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, oh that poor woman, she has such a demented husband, when compared to your neighbor, I haven’t experienced hardly any adversity. Glad you shared this story, I feel like I should be spending more time giving back, less time griping and whining “poor me” lordy, I make myself sick sometimes. No more princess here, no way.
Dear Hopeforjoy,
The story wasn’t shared to negate anyone’s pain, because I KNOW we have ALL had “total pain” from our losses….that is what pain is, it i s TOTAL for each of us, but meeting that woman today did make me PAUSE AND THINK and be GRATEFUL for everything I have had, and the friends and support that AI have had that she hasn’t. My son was talking about how when her house burned everyone said “Oh, when ever you need anything just let us know” but when she did, they were not there. Her church took up a contribution for her, and frankly, my son said it was pathetic how little people gave (who COULD have given more). But anyway, it was empowering to me to see how she had taken control of her life, had determined to survive and THRIVE and made he humble to realize just how strong that woman is.l
Sometimes it is inspiring to meet the REAL HEROES that live among us! (And I know that even “real heoroes” sometimes curl up on the living room floor in the fetal position and suck their thumbs and cry themselves to sleep!) So don’t ever be ashamed of a pity party now and then, we all have them. We just can’t get STUCK THERE!!!! (((Hugs))))
We all have our crosses. But being unhappy with something as major as gender identity would be a very difficult cross to bear.
I think everyone contemplating such major decisions as changing themselves should have access to good quality and independent guidance. I watched a doco on a man in my country considering the major surgery – by the end of the year he had come to the conclusion he was a gay male and the surgery would have been a disaster – so in some cases some wise counsel and being asked to wait for a while could be a good thing.
I’m unsure about the issue of children though – some doctors advocate giving drugs to stall puberty as it can be so upsetting. Very difficult to ascertain what’s the right thing to do. Did anyone see the doco on the man who had his penis removed during circumcision surgery as an infant? He was raised as a girl and in adulthood ended his life through suicide as he was so unhappy with his physical body. Very sad.
In regard to this post … I”m not really wondering about this question anymore. It doesn’t matter to me now why he did it. The fact is he did do it and he did it because that’s just the way he is. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had been a nasty bitch to him or mother theresa – the outcome would have been the same because his behaviour was never about me – it was all about him. Gosh it’s taken me a long time to get to that perspective!!!!
Big loves to all my LF buddies – hope you’re all having awesome weeks in your parts of the world 🙂 🙂 🙂
OxDrover,
Your posts make me so happy. You and ErinBrock are my heros. Power moments, when we are empowered, feel like heaven don’t they!
I too have always known I had greater empathy than most people. (I will NOT let that part of me go, but I do check it out now and ALWAYS listen to my intuition.) I always took people at their word, face value. I did ask the right questions. I am still learning the tricks my husband used to fool me. He is the best spath that anyone could meet. He could teach a master class to the others.
I had my power moment when I met another spath. I was so proud of myself for recognizing when his charm turned into the poor-me-gimmees. What I did was pretend to be dumb. When he laid on the guilt “needing someone to loan him just a little money, to get him out of an unfair situation”, I said, “gosh that’s a terrible fix you are in! Wish I knew someone who had the money to loan you. But I don’t know anybody.” Then I was so charming and sweet to him, telling him how I admired that he was getting himself away from “those using” kind of people, and how it takes a “real man to be as responsible as he was”….. I laid it on thick. Then I said goodnight. Every call time since then, we never get to an actual conversation b/c I am so busy complimenting him on his good wisdom and tell him “thank you, I am so lucky to know someone as successful as he is”…as I hang up. “good bye! let me know when you have your next success!” – which of course, he never has. 🙂 He stopped calling me. I wonder why.
Katydid, Towanda to you! You are one SMART cookie!
isnt it great when we can spath them back, and not fall for their pity parties, Whines, and gimmee Gimmees!
Hi.5 to you!
Yea, we can learn to back- spath them without becoming spaths ourselves! Now, how great is that?!!!Knowledge is POWER!!!
Love, Mama gemXX
I am reading Donna’s book and it is just blowing my mind! She is a highly intelligent, independant, creative, giving person, and she was really abused by that monster she married! It is so shocking to me how cruel and calculating a person can be! I don’t know if they ever caught up with her xhusband sociopath, but that man should be locked up forever!
Its so crazy, but when I was very young, about 22 yrs old, I got involved with a man so similar to her x. He even called me “Mouse”!!! The entire relationship, my name was “Mousie”. He ripped off a prominent businessman in town, at the time, for 60k, convincing him to front him money for a business. He was good looking and charming!
When I first introduced him to my Mom, she pulled me aside and said, “Get rid of him…he’s shifty.” I didn’t listen. He used my car and borrowed money from me, and I lasted 8 months before I got out. I wanted my money back first. Luckily I got it all. Many people who knew him told me, “Everything he touches turns to Sh&t.” I was going downhill. I looked awful and was depressed. Thank God for the support systems I had to hit me on the head with the skillet and I got out. He continued to use and con people and to this day, he is hiding out in Florida running from people and child support he is ordered to pay.
Funny thing is, ten years later, I met my xhusb and when we met, I told him that he reminded me of this particular xboyfriend! He looked so much like him and was also an “entrepeneur”! I was older, desparate to get married and have children, and I married him and had 3 kids with him. And now HE is also in Florida, 20k behind in support payments!
They are CLASSIC cases…all fit the same mold…like clones roaming this earth, using and conning people…parasites.
Over the years, I attracted these types, and, until now, where I finally feel happy alone, and I’m not desparate for a man in my life…and I’m educated about sociopaths,….can I say that I can smell one coming a mile away, and I avoid them like the plague….whether its a man or woman.
I have been back with my boyfriend now, since July, who I thought was a sociopath…but I realized that he isn’t. It was ME who was afraid to stand up for what I want and then I built a wall of resentment up and broke up with him for five months. In this time, I did some soul searching, and realized that I have to be strong and confident in myself before I get involved with anyone. I am not afraid to confront him and stand up for what I want. And, it is working out well now. I put Me and my children first and I am confident. He respects me more.
I think that when we feel insecure with ourselves, and don’t confront people when we have a “gut feeling” that something isn’t right, and we doubt our own feelings, we allow others to keep fooling us.
Donna jumped into the marriage with him because she was 40 yrs old and wanted marriage and family so desperately. She ignored the “cues” and trusted him before he “earned” the trust. She was vulnerable and a perfect target for a manipulative conartist.
The lesson here is not to be “vulnerable”. I am going to let my girls read this book when they are a bit older, so that they are aware of the manipulations of people. I’ve been teaching them all along to be strong and never let anyone abuse them.
I plan to contact their schools to suggest workshops for the young students. I heard on the news today, that bullying is getting out of control today with the cyberspaces and one out of three students in our schools have been subjected to abuse by other students. The “kids will be kids” is no longer an excuse!
They are out there…abusers, conartists, and manipulators! We really need to educate our young. I am happy that Donna is getting out there…on tv, radio, and that she wrote this book. It should be required reading for young adults! The internet makes it too easy for “predators” today!
I can’t wait to finish the book…hard to put down.
Dear KatyDid,
Thank you sweetie, but I don’t think either Erin B or I deserve any “halos” LOL but I am glad that our writings serves to inspire you and cheer you up!
YOU DID GREAT!!! That is a great way to get around a casual acquaintance who is a P who is trying to leach off you. NICE THEM TO DEATH!!!! The playing dumb part is smart too! TOWANDA!!!!