“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
ToBeHappy,
I am so glad that you plan to give my book to your daughters to read when they are old enough. That is my prime goal in writing it – to paint a memorable picture of sociopathic behavior, so that if someone starts to see the warning signs, they realize what it is and get the person out of their lives.
I didn’t know what a sociopath was when I met James Montgomery. I was 40 years old and desperately hoping to make a romantic connection. I had no idea that someone could say, “I love you,” and not mean it. It was certainly a rude awakening – one that I hope others can avoid.
Donna,
I think that’s one of the things that makes a spathisode with a Spath almost feel surreal–that we cannot fathom the things they can say when it’s a lie. They truly can and will say ANYTHING to get what they want. That part is so damaging to their victims. We just cannot wrap our brains around this kind of deception.
Like you, I was in my 40’s (41, to be exact) when I met my X. Well educated, super intelligent, charming and sociable as the day is long–and also irreparably damaged, I was soon to find out. He didn’t swindle me like James did to you, and I was not married to him, thankfully, but he is definitely a con artist to a smaller degree. I think that most people, when they hear the term con artist, think money is involved in some way, but it doesn’t have to be, I think. These people really are master con artists whether it involves money or not, and have likely been from a very young age.
Hopeful6596
I was reading above posts about how perverted spaths are.
no kidding! I remember always thinking how “weird” my x spath was/is. little things. and big things.
One day I asked him to watch her for an hour so I could go to the gym and get some much needed exercise and a break. I came home to find, first, the house a disaster. Obviously he wasn’t “watching” D. She was only 2 or so and had gotten into everything. Every room in the house had been attacked by my little powerhouse of a girl! I was frustrated at x spath tho because for me to get a break meant I would come home and have to clean….common with him….but, the weirdest thing was the tripod was up in the hallway. I asked him why and he mumbled something incoherent. Then I sent to the family computer and lo and behold NAKED pics of him were on there. Full body naked, including face. Several pics were taken. He realized I saw them and freaked. I was both laughign and mortified. Mortified because I had a bad feeling but couldn’t figure out why. Laughing because, well, he is just a jacka_ _. I asked him what he was doing and why he hadn’t been taking care of D. He didn’t answer. I asked him again because now I was pissed realizing he hadn’t paid ANY attention to D and that was more of a concern. He said, “I wanted to have before and after pictures of my body training for the Cycle____”(a bike ride in our state that goes on for several days, people camp and ride each day) I told him that was strange, that everyone I talked to said no one really trains for that. It isn’t that hard and they said I could even do it even though I am out of shape right now. then he said to me, “If you tell anyone you saw this I will kill you”. Wow! over reaction. At the time I believed him although I added it to the list of weird stuff he does. (after the ride was over everyone I talked to confirmed no one trains for this thing and he didn’t look any different muscle or fat wise). later, after we went to therapists specializing in porn addiction I started thinking that maybe he was posting the pics! It hadn’t even crossed my mind he would do that, but that made the most sense. Either sending them to someone independently, or to a sex site. UGH. EECK. It grosses me out.
He also had to be told my the judge, even though he got custody, to stop taking showers and baths with D. He was still doing this when she was 4 1/2. He also was taking naked hot tubs with her, and then she was 3 he would take naked hot tubs with her and then bounce her on his lap when he was only wearing a skimpy towel. I was disgusted and would take her from him. Lastly, the one other thing I saw that he did that was so inappropriate with D was when I came back to talk with him before we divorced. He was trying to woo me back and so, to be funny I guess he said, Look, this is funny. He grabs D and straddles her on the foot massager I gave him as a gift and turned it on. Well, of course she was stimulated (she was 3) and he laughed and watched her and said, “Look, she likes it”. Again, I was furious and took her off it and said “DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN”. He didn’t get it. All these things were told to custody evaluator (and much more) but not much attention was paid.
I am afraid for D. Our therapist said he was sure my x spath had sex with his sister maybe in jr high?, possibly high school. Their mom sexualized him pretty early on I think. She was completely inappropriate at all times, plus alcoholic. Of course now he has 2 more girls. He is surrounded by girls and he is a misogynist. He even told our therapist in these exact words “I have no emapthy or compassion for women close to me”. But I pray and pray he doesn’t not touch my daughter. There have been times that I worry. For a while she was fixated on her v and thought she had a bump there. And I have had the boundary talks with her about saying NO to people…if anyone tries to touch her etc. and to talk to me, or a teacher if something happens. I don’t trust that he is normal sexually. I saw teen porn sites on our computer before I left. This was told to custody eval as well but ignored and when in court for divorce (five days in court!!!) my attorney asked the custody eval if she didn’t address x spaths addictions and the custody eval said “What addictions?” I gasped. (custody eval and judge are both women…now I see why I got screwed) then my attorney said “‘Well let’s start with the porn addiction that is documented” and the custody eval, using my xspath’s first name said “_____is only human.” Wow. I about died.
Reading about the high testosterone levels and hyper sexuality in these people helps put this whole story of my life with him into context. A psychiatrist dx him with Bipolar d/o and told me that his sexual behavior is what pushed him into the actual diagnosis.
I have to get D out of there but it will take time and I pray something doesn’t have to happen to get her out. Some day I hope my D understands that I have been fighting for her and that all he has been saying about me is untrue. My D thinks I have done something or she thinks if I make sure to be “better than his wife” that she’ll be able to live with me. My D even said “I want to call the judge. Can we call the judge tomorrow?” She wants to be with me and in my state even when she turns 13 they don’t necessarily listen to what the child wants. And all of this is happening in a small, monochromatic town where x spath is big man on campus.
Dear Chinagirl,
I know your worries sound reasonable (to me if not to the judge) and it is difficult NOT to worry about that kind of thing, or to focus your energies on it and think about it or ruminate over and over about it, but I think it sucks your energy when you focus on this sort of negative thing….
Focus on the positive things you can and ARE DOING—talking to your daughter, and just tell her that you WANT her with you, but the judge, for the time being, wants her to stay . Focus on YOU WANT HER and that it is NOT HER FAULT and NOT what YOU want either, but something that right now can’t be changed.
I know it must break your heart when she wants to be with you and you can’t give her that, but focus on the positive, you are talking to her regularly now and hopefully will get to see her soon. You ARE making progress in climbing out of the deep abyss, you are back on your medication and gaining strength! ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, I know that’s a trite saying but none-the-less true.
You’ve made some SIGNIFICANT STEPS toward healing yourself and keeping the bond strong between you and your daughter! Just keep on one foot in front of the other!!!! (((Hugs))))
That’s really good advice. I like what you said about telling her I want her, not her fault etc. I have and do tell her that all the time but what is good to hear is healthy advice on the right things to do and say. And also to hear that the judge wants this right now. that’s the way it is and as I said I will just do what i can each day.
I wasn’t meaning to sound sad or pitying in that blog…I am actually really in a good space. I had just been reading the posts way up above here about the perverted stuff and it provoked a memory. I am getting a lot of those lately. memories of things that happened that I had forgotten. Stories with x spath that help me realize how sick he is and that yes, this is what has happened.
I really do feel like I have jumped across a crevass..you know one foot on one side, one on the other and doing splits….but then making the leap towards healthy behavior, thought stopping, retraining my brain and doing everything I tell me own clients to do! Don’t feel like quite the hypocrite now. LOL.
It’s a new day here on the west coast! Now, going to barbeque…something I never thought I’d be doing today (without D, etc etc )….YIPPEE
ChinaGirl,
Do I understand correctly, that your spath has custody of your child, the same child that could have been mortally injured b/c of his neglect?
I am sorry to say, it is NORMAL for these types to use the children to hurt and control you. No conscience and no empathy make a very dangerous person. I am NOT trying to panic you but I am strongly pushing you for an immediate plan to get her away from him. Yes, she has shown symptoms of sexual abuse. (heartsickening that I know about that).
I understand there are sections of this blog that help with advice to parents. You got one thing right, document document document. Even document your memories. DATE them, even time them.
As OxDrover advised, you must strengthen your bond with your daughter. Her whole perception about herself will depend on it.
— Knowing what I speak of, as a mom of a very angry very blaming very punishing daughter – who seems to be recovering her self at age 25…..
Dear KatyDid, (and Chinagirl too) On an airplane when the stewardess is giving instructions for using the O-2 mask, she/he will say “if you have a child with you when the mask drops down, PUT YOURS ON FIRST”
That is good advice, in that we must FIRST take care of OURSELVES before we can take car e of our child (or anyoone else) Right NOW there is nothing that Chinagirl can do to take care of her daughter or get her away from the X, EXCEPT waht she is doing, which is to keep the contact up and to TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. My advice was for her to KEEP ON TAKING CARE OF HERSELF as she had gotten to the bottom of the hole worrying about her daughter and worrying about the things she could NOT do anything about (and getting her daughter back NOW is one of the things that is for NOW impossible!)
I too had so much worry about the things I could NOT do anything about, I didn’t take care of MYSELF which I COULD have done.
BTW Katydid, don’t pick up a load of guilt from a daughter that punishes and blames you for what happened or didn’t happen. She may be recovering herself at 25, bvut if “recovering herself” includes PUNISHING YOU, then she has more problems to over come. (((Hugs))))
Hi Ox Drover,
I’m okay with my daughter. She didn’t ask to be put into that life. I did that to her.
I am accountable for MY part (not his) and I am open to explaining to her so she can lift her own burden of guilt. Sometimes she is punishing as she works through her pain, but I do not allow her to become abusive or contemptuous.
I am so glad she had chosen to go through recovery rather than the limbo that she was in, where she was angry and blaming and depressed and suicidal. Just as I get to explain to her so she feels better, she also explains herself and we both find compassion for each other. It is amazing to unravel the conversations that went on with ourselves in our heads.
As for Chinagirl, she is doing so good and is way ahead of what I was when I finally escaped. Getting away is GREAT. I just don’t want her to wait until her daughter is 13 to resolved custody issues. In my terrible experience, these people USE the children as a weapon against mom. I want to advise her to look at the articles and resources on this blog. Maybe they can help her make a plan to get custody of her daughter asap.
The only pain greater than what my spath and his demon helpers did to me, was what they did to my vulnerable, sweet, beautiful daughter. My daughter forgave me, I’m the one still working on it. Maybe when he finally signs those divorce papers…..
Dear KatyDid,
Sugar, I hear you! I have no doubt that ChinaGirl will get her little girl back ASAP for sure. Right now she’s just coming out of her own pit of hell, and starting to stand up and become whole. I am sure you have a pretty good grasp of what she is going through.
Oh, yes, they use the most valuable things we have to use as clubs to hurt us, starting with children if there are any. There are others here who have lost custody of their children to the monsters. I can’t even imagine what that pain must be like…it is beyond my own comprehension…I lost my son to HIMSELF not to a monster x-husband and that was bad enough, but to lose a baby to a monster is incomprehensible to me.
I met a lady on Saturday that my son D knew from working in Scouts and the lady’s husband was murdered 10 years ago by his own P-brother, leaving her with 2 young sons and no support, and on and on, she lost like 10-12 family members in a space of 4 or so years and yet she kept giving back, through Scouts, trhough the DV shelter etc. and then her house got burned (wonder WHO did that!) and now she’s building a home for herself with her bare hands and a hammer!
I just came home and wept—and I felt so humbled by this woman’s spunky spirit and how she had survived and thrived!
So you know, no matter how “bad” we think we’ve had it, there seems to always be others around who’ve lost as much or more who have survived and thrived and lit the lamp for us to follow! God bless’em ALL!
I just came across the LoveFraud blog & this forum a couple of weeks ago, so I’m new commenting here.
Like most women who’ve been involved with & loved a sociopath, I just have a need to talk about what happened to me. The title of this forum (“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?) seemed the most appropriate place for me to post.
I met J online 8 yrs ago. I was 57 & he was 48. We clicked immediately. (of course) As I found out the first time he came to meet me, he was a federal fugitive, in flight for nearly a year after his Ecstasy lab up north had been discovered, & he had fled across the country & to Mexico, & finally landed in Texas.
I’m an old hippie myself, & had done my share of drugs in my life, so being in flight from the Feds for making psychedelics didn’t faze me. In addition, his wife of 25 yrs had died from cancer a few days before his lab was discovered. And on top of it all, he told me she had “been severely BiPolar for 9 yrs” while he looked after the kids & her. He certainly gained my sympathy & support with all of that…..besides that he was missing part of a finger, which he told me he’d cut off to avoid going to VietNam. (turned out he’d lost it in an accident at work in Canada, so he was able to return to the US without impunity.)
So he came to live in my home, in a quiet, artsy little resort village in a peaceful valley. He was here for 6 months before the first time he left me w/out a word—a month after my mother died & we’d found her estate had been hijacked by an evil cousin. After talking on the phone & emailing for 6 months, I paid his bus fare back here.
For 13 months, I thot everything was idyllic with us….he was even working a menial job to support us (tho I owned my home & the utilities were paid from my trust). And then he was arrested when we were driving in my car & he had no ID, & was pegged as a federal fugitive & taken immediately to prison up north. I was devastated. I cried a river of tears. He had taken over paying the bills & everything, so I had to try to make sense of the bank statement. That’s when I found out, 2 wks after his arrest, that he’d paid for an adult dating site many months prior to his arrest, rather than pay for the registration in my car, which is why we were pulled over.
At that point, all I wanted to do was die. I had considered suicide after he left me 2 yrs before, & this time it was just too much, so suicide was a serious consideration. I was almost 60 yrs old, my mother had died & my inheritance was in question, I was in grinding poverty, & the man who I thot loved me to the moon had just gone to prison (for possibly 17 yrs), & besides that, he’d been actively looking for another woman on numerous dating sites.
After fighting via snail mail for 6 months, I forgave him for “trying to find a woman who’d help him escape to Mexico.” That’s how dense I was when it came to him!! I accepted anything he said without question! I’d gotten a fairly substantial royalty check by then, so I went to visit him in prison up north several times & paid for his daily phone calls.
I waited patiently, despondently, longingly for 2 years for him to be released. My whole world revolved around his letters & his 10min phone calls each day. He’d promised me so many things during his incarceration: he was a brilliant man with many talents & a subtle but irresistible charisma—in spite of not being good-looking, & having some tics—[as you’d expect from a genius, you know]—& having slovenly habits as to his immediate environment in the home—[he was a genius, after all.] He wrote 2 novels in prison, worked as a jailhouse lawyer, & engineered his release after 26 mos instead of 17 yrs.
After he came “home” 4 yrs ago, we lived on my stipend & his odd jobs for awhile, then he began to travel to meet with people in his fields of green energy, oil reclamation, & environmental remediation, utilizing his brilliance to clean up toxic sites. He attracted partners for his work, built a lab in my yard, & began to make an adequate living for us, in addition to my SocSec & stipend (& with no rent or utilities, & the prospect of my possibly $1mil inheritance.)
He began to travel more & more. But I thot it was all in the interest of our trudging together toward our goal of living on the beach in Mexico, with him doing research at a university there. We had little or no life together outside my home….he was always working or traveling or resting. (& whenever I’d initiate sex, he wouldn’t be able to complete it, saying, “low testosterone from being in prison.” I accepted that!! & didn’t want to pressure him!) We spent most days sitting at our computers here in the house. We only had a few trips away from here in that 4 years after he came home from prison. It was stultifying for me, but I tried to keep focused on the future we’d have together, & to be as supportive & cheerful as I could. I know now I was depressed, altho I’d never been “depressed” in my life! But what I didn’t know is that he was having wonderfully exciting clandestine meetings & sexual trysts on his travels!
He was SO nurturing…..so devoted to my needs (cooking, shopping, taking care of my dog & me, & all financial & family concerns, even how to navigate my new computer….anything….he knew how to solve EveryThing.)
But after he was home 6 months, we stopped having sex, unless I initiated it. He was traveling more & more. There were obstacles & more obstacles to our reaching “our” dreams.
The end of the chase, as they say, is that he walked out on me without a word 3 months ago. He’d begun drinking excessively & not caring about his appearance or behavior around me for 6 months. He said he was depressed because he was was running into obstacles with his partners & delays with the university, but still promising that we’d be moving to the place of our dreams in Mexico soon.
For 6 wks after he left me, we emailed every day, & he kept telling me for almost a month that he was “trying to figure himself out.” Then I suddenly (DUH!) realized he was already with someone else & likely had been—while lying to me the whole time about what he was doing on his “business trips.” I confronted him. He still refused to cop to anything. Seven weeks after he left, he emailed, “I am married. you & I are done forever. no need for further discussion.”
After sleuthing on the Internet & going thru his papers he left here, I found out who he’d married & how long his relationship with her had been going on. As he wrote in his last letter to me, “If you’d been paying attention to anything but yourself, you’d’ve noticed what’s been going on since I got out of prison. ”
I DID notice! But I didn’t want to appear a suspicious, jealous bitch, so whatever *plausible* reason he gave me for where he was going or where he’d been, I believed it! He’d been meeting with her on his “business trips” for 4 yrs, in the finest of hotels across the country where she could fly to meet him, & in her apartment in Puerto Vallarta, where she’d moved 2 yrs previous to establish residency & a home there.
The end of the story is that the woman he married is 15 yrs younger than me, & her family are Texas oil$ multi-millionaires (as compared to my Texas oil family who are only “well off”.) She has huge connections to people who could make him a success. His work was not paying off as he’d expected, & she was there—already living in Mexico. And they’d opened a joint bank account less than 6 months after he came here from prison! He was paying some of our bills from their account, & she’d given him $19,000 2 yrs ago! I thot we were going thru some rough times together. TOGETHER. But he was on a similar, but more lucrative path, with another woman the whole time!!
So everything I thot we had together was a lie. I thot he loved me totally, I believed in him completely, & never in a million years thot he would betray me. I had been packing for our move for 4 yrs, I gave away all my winter clothes last summer, I thot we’d be making OUR getaway in 6 wks, & he walked out without a word…..tho he continued to string me along for a month.
They are now living in Mexico, in the place I took him to, (he didn’t know it existed before that), they’ve been living in the hotel I found for us–where we stayed last year—& he’s working at the university I found for him. His son & his family are living there also…a family I’d long hoped to be a part of. (I have my own children & grandchildren, but I had formed an attachment to these kids, too.)
I have a lot of other details that I could add about the oh-so smooth lies that rolled off his forked tongue, & how he gamed me right up to the end & beyond. What I still don’t understand is “How could he do this to me??” I’m encouraged by the stories that other women have written here, but it’s still hard for me to accept that the Whole Thing Was a LIE. How could anyone do that to another person, much less someone who loved him with heart & soul?
I hope that this long, long account of my 8yr encounter with a sociopath will prompt discussion & suggestions for healing from such an unfathomable life event, & that the discussion will elicit further instances of his SP behavior. Tho everyone tells me I don’t dare accept blame in this—being an old hippie–I can’t help but think that my own karma figured in this somehow. I’m working hourly/daily to affirm that this is NOT my fault….but I need support in integrating that into the broken consciousness of my heart.