“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
HEY! WHYME!!
I’m reading and reading and getting your story, until the very last paragraph.
You’re an old hippie, and think KARMA figured into this? Are you kidding??!!
Whoa! You meant you were OWED this? Years of faithful, caring, love and devotion and your KARMA reward was to have your soul ripped into shreds by this cold hearted unfeeling ass#$%^?
HE was spinning a pile of carp, but if you are going to get better, you’d best path is the TRUTH. Honey, my best hippie analogy for what you’ve been going through… a real bad acid trip. Alice in wonderland topsy turvy make ya sick and scurvy.
Read the different threads, educate yourself. Truly, without him, your life can only get better. Tonight I was playing some music. And Thinking how music was a good time, every time. Would that be a place of peace for you? Music? Try to catch a groove and LORD stop the carpola! Yep, hurts like hell but in truth, you dodged a bullet. Read the other stories. And take care. Treat yourself Like you deserved all along.
ps NOBODY deserves a spath, no matter what.
Dear Whyme,
Welcome to LoveFRaud, your story is really hard to believe—for anyone EXCEPT FOR those of us here who are or have lived lives about as “crazy” as yours! It isn’t because you are an “old hippie” it is because you are a caring person and just wanted to believe what the arsehole told you.
No, it isn’t your fault that he is a psychopath/con-man/arsehole, he had no right to take your love and then abandon you….but that is WHAT THEY DO. Sure, you shouldn’t have believed him, but that is WHAT WE DO–we love and we believe—even the most crazy arse stories that no one in the world would believe except those of us who have been there.
Healing from this is a journey, not a destination, and it starts out about them, but ends up about us. I’m 63, going on 64—and as I look at those numbers I can’t believe they are so large–where’d my life go? By the time you learn how to live it, it’s over! But it’s never over til the fat lady sings, and I can’t carry a note! Not even in a bucket with a lid on it, but there is LIFE AFTER PSYCHOPATHY and it does get better. I no longer cry on the floor, sucking my thumb, but there’s LIFE, and love and JOY!
Glad you found your way here, there’s lots of support here and good advice and some so-so advice, and some just plain silliness (mostly on Saturday nights when those of us without something better to do crack jokes and make fun of each other in a nice way) Again, Welcome! and God bless. Always room for one more! Glad you’re here.
Katydid says:
“ps NOBODY deserves a spath, no matter what.”
Hmmm….personally, I love it when the perverse narcissists and the psychos hook up.
They can destroy each other and leave the rest of us alone.
It makes the streets safer for the innocent folks.
My ex is dating a cross between Amy Fisher and Tonya Harding…..a hybrid, if you will.
They’ve been “together” for many years.
So, I guess humanity gets a break every now and then.
Hiya Rosa!
Thanks for showing me Karma I can believe in!
My ex will be dating BUBBA soon, in cell block ‘b’…..’b’ for BEND OVER and take it like a man!
🙂
They just never learn……..
katydid, WhyMe,
Alice in Wonderland? More like Malice in Underland!Or Underhand!
As to “Why do they do it? BECAUSE THEY CAN!!
Why does a scorpion sting? Because it can!
Why does a snake bite?because it can!
We will never ina 10000 years figure out what they do and why, because they, the spaths, are not like us. They have no consciense, no empathy, no compassion, no remorse, lie like a rug,as a species, they are the lowest of the low.
Sure they can FAKE love, compassion, yada yada, but they cant FEEL it. Does this mean we should feel sorry for them?
I dont think so. If they are incapable of feeling true love, pity, remorse, etc.,they can easily skip from one victim to the next, with no qualms a t all. We should save our pity and tender loving feelings for ourselves, and people deserving of our love.love, Mama gem.
Welcome Whyme-
I just wrote a huge comment to you about my own experience and I wasn’t logged in and lost it. I won’t rewrite it all but basically I was saying I am thankful you found LF…it saved my life literally.
And, why do they do this? It is their nature. It took me five years post divorce to get out of my denial about x spath being an spath. His first wife told me he was….and I was with him 7 times longer than she was and I was still making excused for him. DUH!
You did NOT do this. He did. Put the blame where it belongs. Don’t beat yourself up. We don’t think like they do. It never occurred to me that he could or would do the things he has done and is still doing. He wants to destroy me. He told me this. Yeah, well, sorry but it’s not gonna happen.
One thing I did do, however, was take a look at why I have been such a target for these kinds of people. I realized that I have been around several of them recently. Wow. sad. But as a previous people pleaser and never wanting to ‘hurt anyones feelings’ I allowed people to walk over me. I’d never stick up for myself because I didn’t want to be rude. I have heard this before and hear it a lot from wise people on this site but “We teach people how to treat us” and once I learned that concept I began to learn how to set boundaries.
It’s a work in progress but it is getting better. Being accountable for the things I did…give away my power, allow certain behaviors to happen to me is important because those are the things I need to and CAN change. I can’t change an spath. His behavior is NOT your fault Whyme. It’s his. Read the articles here, read the posts, listen and believe what the wise people on this site say…they have lived it.
You are NOT ALONE! So many of us have been victimized by these creeps. But we are NOT victims. Your x spath has no remorse, feelings, conscience, love ability. It was all about what he could get from you and others. Why else would he be with this new woman? She has something he can get. She’s in the same shoes now….(unless she is spath too) and when she has nothing left to offer him he will move on from her too.
When I got to this site I read devalue and discard. That is exactly what happened. I couldn’t understand how someone who supposedly loved me could throw me away. It’s sick to even write….it makes me ill….but when I started fighting back, calling him on his behaviors at the end of our marriage and he realized I wasn’t going to just “go along” any more he did not like it one bit. I started to become more assertive. Once I got into recovery (from vicodin) I realized I gave away all my power to him…if i had vicodin I could escape my real feelings around him and just leave it alone. Without vicodin, and having real feelings I couldn’t be married to him any longer! I remember one time (well, many times actually) going camping with him and I’d do all the prep…pack up the sequoia, get all the food ready, plan and prep. even pack for HIM. then I’d pick him up at the office. Then I’d drive so he could nap. he’d help set up the tent but that was it. He’d then take off fishing for 12 hours and leave me at the camp site. I am very independent but seriously that was ridiculous. He’d return at dark and expect me to cook over fire or stove in the dark. This happened many times and I just said ok…whatever he wants….man oh man. I thought every guy did that. Until we went camping with friends….HE was the only guy who did that kind of thing. So, I stopped that behavior. I started taking back my power and he did not like it. I couldn’t have children…we had four miscarriages in 2 years…and he was golden boy for family….I heard his southern grandma say to him “C___she is just TOO fing old”. and I thought even then oh my gosh I’m out! And the family treated me very poorly after that. when he realized my parents were not going to give him their estate to manage (wow…can’t believe we even thought about it) there was nothing left he could get from me. I left HIM, however and when I was he begged me not to leave him. But I did and he said “No one leaves ME”. I just had no idea what I was in for. and the real hell began.
But, things are different now. I have taken the past two weeks to get a grip on myself. To pull myself up with the help of LF and another very good friend of mine who I have finally let in (I trust no one any more…I even wonder if I’d ever be able to have a r/s with a man, let alone sex. it makes me ill to think about…my spath raped me on a youth group trip…and I have some healing to do). I’ve started to take care of myself…I was in such an avoidance coping mode….not coping, but avoiding everything. I had so much loss the past five years that these last 2 months have been a swirl into the abyss….until I found LF. and then realized I needed to get up, stand up, fight back. My daughter needs me. My son needs me. I need me! So, its the basics to start: eat balanced, healthy, organic; work out or walk daily at least; sleep (melatonin if necessary); forgive myself; begin path to forgiveness to spath so I can, as OxDrover says, rid the toxins from my heart; and I do what needs to be done each day and it is all I can do. I made a plan for D so we’d be in contact consistently (prior to my mom’s death and my spath brother getting involved with x spath my D was here with me every other weekend and every other week in summer but since my moms death and more hell happened my x spath got the judge to make me drive to see her for supervised visits…long story and nothign I can do about it right now). and the thing that I have come to realize just the past few days is that I know I am resilient but I needed to get out of my self pity and go forward. I had to make some changes in my thinking and not allow these horrible sick people to ruin me. I started looking at the gifts I have been given in my pain. And some of those gifts are that I have learned how to set boundaries. I have survived the two things I was afraid of: abandonment and being alone. I have lived alone prior to marriage to spath but I always feared this feeling of loneliness. Now I know I can take care of myself and can be alone and it won’t kill me! As I see these things as gifts and things that make me a better person and a better role model for my children I can begin to forgive and then get out of my head and make each day count.
So, Whyme, glad you are hear. Your story is heartbreaking and sad….we believe you….we believe in you!
Wow. I hoped I’d get some response, but I didn’t expect all of this! I’m so glad I came here. You women are just what I’ve been needing.
All my friends & family & therapist tell me the same things yall are saying, but they’re not around to keep reminding me all the time. Having you all right here in my computer is a godsend…..& even when you might not be here at the exact minute I need support, I can go back & read your words & all the other stories.
First I want to say thanks to KatyDid & others for reminding me that I didn’t “deserve” what happened. I know I didn’t deserve it because of anything I did/didn’t do in our relationship. (tho I had pulled some pretty cheap tricks of my own in relationships past.) I was talking more about karma as in “lessons I need to learn in this lifetime” that hopefully I will learn & be a better, stronger, wiser, etc etc person by the time I leave the planet. Maybe, just like everyone at LF, I’ll be able to take what I’ve learned & what I will become after this, & use it to help others.
But, as hard as I’m working to get past this, I’m still plagued by confusion & doubt, still spending 80% of my time obsessing over the past & the “future” I *thot* I had ahead of me. That’s an improvement over the 120% of the time & energy I gave it just a month ago. I’m sure that everyone of you know exactly what I’m talking about, which is why you came here, & why I came here: to understand what *Really* happened, & have support in working thru this process.
It was such a shock. I’ve never had anything punch me in the gut like this did, & it almost knocked me out. I’d always thot “nervous breakdowns” were a little silly….only for weak people…..but there it was, at nearly 66yo, I suffered a Major Depressive Episode, tried to kill myself twice (obviously not very good at it), cried in my pajamas for 2 months, & spent all my time re-reading our emails….along with seeing my therapist 2x a week & taking anti-depressants. Acupuncture is helping me with the anxiety & panic attacks, which were paralyzing.
This is not like me at all, & I desperately want & need to get back to the woman I was pre-J! I had always been strong & independent, relationships or not, & had lived “blissfully alone” for 14 yrs before I met him. I was getting tired of doing it all myself, tho, & didn’t want to have to make all the decisions anymore. There he came. To the rescue. Took over everything in my life, which I had eagerly handed over to him!
We had been planning this move to Mexico for 6 yrs….it was something I wanted so badly….I’d been living in this village for 24 yrs…life here had worn thin, & I wanted [needed] to get out of here & do something new….& in a place that I loved…& with—I THOT—the perfect man to do it with. After all, he was brilliant & always knew what to do & how to do it & took care of it easily—whatever it was. I loved the sound of his voice, & that—no matter what I asked him About ANYTHING, he knew the answer, or if he didn’t, he’d find it in short order. I felt so blessed to have found him & to know I could grow old with a man who was so interesting, whose company I enjoyed so much, & who was nurturing & capable & wanted to travel & do all the things I wanted to do, & that we Would be able to do those things.
And, not only that, we Never fought, never argued, we shared the same interests….& “he loved me”. Me & my dog. “His Girls”. “The most beautiful dog in the world & the soooo perfect relationship.”
[I’ve learned thru this blog & thru reading “The SP Next Door” that it was “so perfect” becuz he was playing the part…”twinship”!]
He never told me that he was unhappy with me for anything I did, said, or was. As far as I knew, everything was right with us…..even the lack of sex, since he said, “I just don’t think about it anymore.” !!!!! I knew that he’d changed (the drinking, not caring how he looked around me, & being irritable–which he’d never done before.) But I thot it was work stress….he said it was….I thot we were just going thru a rough patch that would smooth out once we got to where we wanted to go.
About 10 days before he left, he’d started packing up things in his lab to ship to a lab in NJ where he did some of his work, saying that this new job he’d just gotten would have to be done there becuz of the toxicity. I asked how long he’d have to be there, & he said, “only a couple of weeks.” At the same time, my 48yo son was going to come here & would be staying with us for the 6 wks until we moved to Mexico, & he’d then take over my house. So J needed to clean out the spare bedroom (“his room”, which was crammed full of his clutter), so my son could have the room.
So, yeah, he was sorting thru all his clothes, giving some away, boxing up all his assorted junk. I had cleaned out one of my closets for him, but about a week before he left, I asked him where the clothes were he was gonna put in there, since there only about 10 things he never wore. He said, “oh, laundry, in my traveling bag, gone to the thrift, winter clothes packed, etc”. OF COURSE, I accepted that, just like I did everything! I trusted him implicitly. Knew he loved me totally & we’d Always be together!!
But I was getting uneasier every day….he was snapping at me….sometimes he’d look at me like he loathed me….he was always on his cell phone, & when I’d walk in, he’d say, “I’ll call you back”…..I’d ask who it was, & he’d always say it was his son. (they did talk on the phone a lot every day, but this was excessive!) And things were sort of disappearing from the house. (I was pleased about that….I thot it was great that he was finally organizing his clutter.)
Two days before he left, I knew I had to talk to him. I came in from the gym & sat on the bed beside him & said, “J, are you leaving me?” He said, “why would you say that? what would give you that idea? did it just strike you at the gym?” I said no, that I’d been thinking about it for the past week. I said, “you know, if you did, Keiki (my dog) & I would just wither up & die.” I was crying, & told him I was just confused about what was happening. He said, “Wasn’t the plan always to go to Mexico? Isn’t that what we always talked about? Nothing’s changed.”
OH! Except that he didn’t add, “but you’re not going.” Thru the whole talk (which was really only about 15 min) I knew he was giving me all the Wrong Answers, but I just wouldn’t accept it…..even tho he never smiled at me, never reached over to touch me & say, “don’t be silly, baby, you know I’d never leave you”, & tho he was only sitting a foot away from me, it felt like he was across the room. I can’t believe the level of my denial!!
He told me he was going to have to fly to Mx to open a bank acct….would have to leave at 7am the morning after my son got here. Said he’d wake me up. He did. He kissed me quickly & said, “bye, baby.” I said, “bye”. And he was gone.
I knew he was gone the whole next day, came home that evening & told my son “I think he’s gone.” I checked my email at 6:30, & there was a note: “gone to R de C, Mx to eat peyote this week-end….we’ll see what’ll happen in a few days.” We looked around the house & the lab & realized that he’d cleaned everything out the day & nite before when my son & I were visiting with his kids, & out to dinner til late.
Bam. Gone. Just like that. We emailed back & forth, almost 400 emails in 2 months….mostly mine, pouring my heart out, & getting only a few lines back from him….his notes went from “i love you” to “you were depressed. i can’t live like that” to “you criticized me constantly” to “it’s my fault. blame me” & “i’m so sorry, i was losing my way the past few months” to “you’re a dangerous, angry, destructive person (!!!)”, & finally, in the last letter, when he told me he’d known this woman for 21 yrs (which isn’t possible, due to locations, ages, lifestyle etc), & that “God’s timing prevails for the good, as always.” & “Contrary to you, she is a loving & Godly wife.”
Those words are the demons in my psyche….they echo in my mind over & over, along with memories of what I thot we had…..it’s especially bad when I first wake up—-when I lay in bed for an hour or so, trying to get back to sleep, when my conscious mind isn’t fully engaged. It’s worse than a nightmare becuz I know I’m not asleep. I finally have to just wrench myself out of bed & start drinking coffee.
I KNOW the hurtful things he said to me after he left weren’t any more true than the loving things he said to me before he left. I know he (like all SPs, I’m discovering) has a highly-developed, innate skill for lying—he was able to “tell the truth to avoid the lie!” I asked him, almost kiddingly, a few months before he left when he was traveling 10-15 days a month if he was having an affair. He laughed & said, “Oh Yeah. Right!”
In April he told me he was going to have to go to north Tx to look at some family’s oil wells which weren’t producing, & which he could possibly buy a share of & tweak the production. Said he was going to be staying with the family, & they’d be driving him to several different locations over about 5 days, & then he had to fly on to Cleveland. As usual, he’d call me 3-4 times a day, tell me about how nice the family were, how they’d always have him for dinner, & provide guest quarters for him. I never questioned his going there or to Cleveland, tho he’d never done business in Cleveland before. My son said, “there’s something wrong with this, mom…he’s lying to you.” My friends said the same thing.
I said, “Oh, no, you just don’t understand his work.”
I found out in August that the family’s oil wells he’d been to see Were Producing, & that they belonged to his “Godly Wife’s” family! That was the trip to meet the fam!! And Cleveland? Oh. He’d told me a few wks ago he’d found a little travel trailer on EBay that we could haul to Mx…I said, “But you’d have to go all the way to Cleveland to get it.” Exactly. They flew up, bought the trailer & had it shipped to his lab in NJ where all his equipment was…so they could load it up there, & drive to Mx with it, in the 4WD Tracker I’d helped pay for him to restore.
I’ve dominated enough space here, so I think it’s time to quit. I’m just very thankful that you all are here for me to say it all to……& that you understand, better than anyone else could, what I’m talking about & why I have to say it.
Thanks so much, all of you.
Dear Whyme,
It helps to get the venom out if you “drain the wound” so don’t feel bad about posting!
The details of your story are different, but the CONTENT of EVIL is much like the rest of us, PURE EVIL ON TWO LEGS!
One thing you must understand though, is that he will be just as FALSE with her as he was to you! He will milk her like a cow! Until she dries up and then he will cast her aside.
You will heal, he will always be the same empty shell that he was before. He cannot change, cannot improve….((((Hugs))))
WhyMe,
I know it’s a small comfort, but his marriage is a sham – he is only using another person to get his needs met. You didn’t deserve all the lies, lies, lies coming from his demon mouth. I know that your heart is ravaged, broken. Karma may have been working for you (on your behalf) – getting this leech out of your life, having better people and things in store for you, down the road. Don’t waste your energy beating yourself up – your ex was clever at deceiving everyone, wearing his mask well. Now that you know the truth, you’ll be better off. Take care. Peace.