“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Whyme:
I’m glad you found the lifeline of LF….
So much to learn, so much to heal from…..such a long road to travel…..but NOT to travel alone!
WE are here…….
I hope you stick around….and find the support here and information as helpful as I have.
I second Silvers post…..I PROMISE…..there is light at the end of this tunnel. It does get better….
As I think about the [phrase’ letting go…..I found this a hard one…..I took it literal…..and I wondered what was taking so long…..
Letting go is a process…..like grieving…and this is what we must endure….the stages….
It will happen….IF you continue to do the work…..
Good luck….welcome….and good to have you here with us!
XXOO
EB
WhyMe, hello there, a lot of what you wrote really resonated with me. I have believed in people too much… most of my life, I really thought they meant what they said. I’m glad you are here, we’ll all figure it out together!
KatyDid, I remember you from a while back,
I don’t know what happened, but I am glad your here now!!
I think I remembered you because your screen name is so darn cute! 😀
Hi Chic:
Another conversation I had with Jr tonight……
Reminding him…..we walk this earth with only our shadow.
He is looking at joining the military….and someone sent him this link about Obama wanting servicemembers to get private insurance….since no one forced them to go to war.
Jr was PISSED…..and said….if I sign up for military….that is what I expect….one thing at least….
I told him…..life ain’t fair……and promises can be broken…..do your due diligence and don’t expect anything.
We walk this earth with only our shadow…….in the end.
Hello EB… you’re right, we only have our shadow.
I don’t want to get all political here… but if the service members are defending our country, why should they have to pay for insurance? It doesn’t sound right to me. What about the VA? Is Obama going to try to get rid of that too? I don’t think these are changes he can make on his own. Why do my taxes have to go to pay for medical care for prisoners?? No one forced them to commit a crime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My shadow is on a soapbox! LOL
LOL…..
No….not right.
I didn’t pay too much attention to it…..I was trying to make a point to JR about due diligence……and being in charge of our own lives…..not relying on anyone else…..yadayada
Jr say’s….hey mom…..why are there so many homeless vets….
I said…..well…..hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Take that into consideration Jr…….they only got their shadows!
But mom….they served, lost limbs, got screwed up……
And I said….and they only got their shadows Jr…………
I said…..it’s like being a child….it takes two parents to make a child……and you would think 2 parents would be there to raise and nurture that child……that is what the child would benefit from and want……
It’s NOT always the case now is it???
Is it fair?
NO…..
That child only has his shadow……there is NO guarentees in life…..only hope and promises……
Katydid…..acid trip! LOL
My marriage was the Burning Man Festival that never ended….. 🙂
Gnight folks….off to bed.
shabbychic,
Ditto! I agree that our taxes should go toward paying the health insurance for our military men and women. There are some federal employees that I’d like to see paying their own health insurance, not getting it free, courtesy of the American public.
Okay, now yall know a lot of my story. What I want to do now is play the Devil’s Advocate. I expect to get a lot of strong objections to what I’m going to say, but that’s what I want. These are the questions that still creep into my mind (mostly right after I wake up, whether middle of the nite or morning), & make me doubt myself…..that make me wonder…
How do I know J’s sociopathic? I now know all the SP’s behavior patterns, but, as someone else commented here, we all have some degree of some of those characteristics…..we do all consider ourselves first at times, we do lie to our benefit sometimes, we do try to meld into our partners in our likes & dislikes & actions. Being self-absorbed? I know I can be that way.
As far as the “mirroring”, how do I know that J isn’t the kind of man who he presents himself to be: nurturing, caring, & wanting to please the woman in his life? How do I know that I wasn’t unconsciously “setting the rules” for the relationship, & he was trying to do what he thot I’d want? I thot he was the one who set the ground rules… everything we did revolved around his work, his schedule, his travels…..& he took over everything from shopping & cooking (becuz he liked to do it), to repairs & arrangement for repairs, etc. I looked to him for all final decisions on everything, so I felt he was the arbiter of our lifestyle & relationship. He’s said, “you never thot to do anything for me”…..I told him that it was becuz he always said he wanted to do things for himself.
How do I know J’s not just a man who wasn’t happy in the relationship & took it upon himself to look elsewhere? After all, we do have the right to make those (sometimes hard) choices. He did stay with me for 4 yrs after he got home from prison, & he was with her almost the whole time, too. Why did he stay with me all that time? Maybe he really did agonize over wanting to leave but not wanting to hurt me. He was an excellent provider, he took care of all my needs (except sexually), & he was the best possible companion up until the last 6 mos when he was, I know, trying to find a way to leave me….he has said he
struggled over whether he could or should leave me, knowing how much I loved him, & that, as he said, “there are many things I will miss about you, & will always love & care about you.”
There were also a lot of things about me that made him unhappy, according to the things he began to say in emails the nite after he left & continued to say for 2 months. And there were kernels of truth in some of them, tho I protest that they were not “wrongs” at the level he says they were.
I did not “criticize him constantly”. I would say “did you comb your hair?” on the way to church. I did ask, many times, if he’d please glue his teeth (top plate) in becuz it clacked when he didn’t, & he’d be sitting right beside me at his computer. I’d say, “I think those jeans are too big for you….maybe you should get a smaller size next time.”
Toward the end, he’d gotten into a habit of talking on the phone (right beside me) while eating….I’d say that it wasn’t polite….either to me or the person on the phone! He had a nervous tic–running his finger around his mouth when he’d talk to you or when thinking–I tried for a month or so, near the end, to “help” him, thinking that if I noted when he was doing it, maybe he’d be able to stop it. I realized fairly quickly that it wasn’t the right thing for me to do.
It wasn’t like I was a carping bitch. Or a “shrike, a shrew, a honey badger”, which he called me a couple of wks after he left! I never shouted, or raged, or had tantrums. We never fought! I never “criticized” him….maybe they were critical remarks, but I don’t think they were much different from what most women say to their husbands…..are they??
The response to this that I’ve gotten from many advisers is that “if he was unhappy about things in the relationship, he had a responsibility to talk to you about it & try to work things out.” & that “if someone cares about the relationship they’ll do that, but if they’re involved with someone else, they won’t.”
Yes, he did LIE to me about his “double life” for nearly 4 yrs—from the time it started, a few months after he came home, & he began going to W.Tx to meet with an energy company there….made many trips there….I only found out thru sleuthing last month that it was a company owned by her family. He told me that she had “looked long & hard for me after she, too, had given me shelter from the storm” (as he said I had)….I don’t believe that he’d known her for 21 yrs, but apparently he had known her before….I’ll never know if she contacted him or he contacted her. He lied right up to the end & for 6 wks afterward. Was he just caught up in both relationships & didn’t know how to resolve it & was lying to keep from hurting me? He said “it was complicated & I never intended that it would happen like this.” When I realized after he left that he was with someone else & had been (tho I didn’t know for how long), & asked him repeatedly to tell me “yes or no” if he was, he finally said, “none of your business, not at all”, & then, “you’re just trying to find a reason to blame me & not take responsibility for your own actions.”
I know I wasn’t perfect. No one is. But I don’t believe that my “sins” were as grievous as he’s painted them to be—not reasons to leave someone….unless you don’t really LOVE them. But, yes, thinking of him as sociopathic & lying does help me accept the end of our relationship & the loss of the future I’d dreamed & planned we’d have. That means I can think of it as a lie from start to finish, & that he’s not a good person, & I’m better off to be done with him.
But then there’s the sex thing, too. We’d had great sex for the first 8 months. Then he left me for 6 mos, & when he came back, we found that I had wicked, latent UTIs that made sex intensely painful. Impossible. It took 6 months or more to get that cleared up. And I was amazed at how patient he was thru-out that time. Things were getting back to normal when he was arrested, but (as I found out) he’d already been looking for women online. When he got home from prison, the sex was great again. But. Everytime we had sex, I’d get another UTI…no matter what I’d do: peeing afterward, washing up good, etc. We began keeping Sulfa in the house & I’d take it immediately after sex. Maybe he just got concerned about my getting sick because of sex…..& by that time, he’d already gotten involved with her. So, rather than risk making me sick, he had sex with her…..& our love-making dried up & theirs flourished. Well?? What’s wrong with a man doing that?
Does that mean that every man who has an affair with a younger woman, & leaves his wife for her, is sociopathic?
So now he had 2 women who wanted him. I’m sure she had to have known about me (which gave her an “advantage”, naturally, since she knew she was competing for him, & we’d gradually settled into a rut). And she was benefiting him financially & in his work. I gave him a home. But she gave him actual money, & a lot of it, I’m sure. In a way, she’d Bought him. So maybe it came down to an ultimatum from her. Leave C or we’re thru. She’d invested 4 yrs & $ in it, too. Happens all the time. Does that make him a sociopath??
Believe me, I WANT to be challenged on all of this. I’d MUCH rather believe that he’s even a Slightly Evil man, than that I was so insufficient in our relationship in so many ways that I was responsible for the downfall! I don’t like waking up every morning to my thots telling me that I lost the man I loved & my beautiful future becuz I’m a faulty human being! So what if it turns out that the latter is true? How do I find forgiveness for MYSELF?? It’s easier for me to believe that I need to find forgiveness for him. If it wasn’t all due to his sociopathy, then I have to believe that I have a LOT of work to do if I’m ever going to be a suitable partner to someone else. I’ve been married 4 times & had 3 L-T relationships. Maybe it’s me. First marriage was when we were 17 & I was pregnant; lasted 5 yrs. 2nd hb went to prison in 68 for selling pot in Tx; we tried to make it after he got out (2 1/2 yrs), but couldn’t.
HB #3 was truly psychotic, & I was beaten & tortured in the finest hotels all over the world & at home for 6 yrs. (we traveled a lot.) #4 was a good friend, married 15mos, parted as friends & still are. The other L-Ts just ended becuz of incompatibility. J, I thot, was the ONE…..the ONE I’d been waiting for all my life. I thot we were perfect together. And that’s the one that’s caused me the most emotional distress…..a severe emotional crisis…like nothing ever in my life. Over 3 months since he left, & 2 mos since I found out he was married, I still suffer every day, in spite of my best efforts.
So. I’m ready for comments. What do you all think? I want to hear everything you have to say, whether you think he’s the villain, or whether I’m also to blame, or both.
Whyme:
We all play a roll in our own demise.
BUT…the important thing is to only carry what WE OWN.
You already know the answers to all the questions…..
Your gut told you.
THe laying in bed, processing and rehashing is part of the process……Take a closer look at Anything you could have done differently, with NO REGRETS or guilt……and there is your answer.
Yes…..we enable, we choose to keep blind and silent…..until one day…..the abuse or allientation is so grand…..we can’t deny it.
The question of why we stayed and put up with it so long…..is our issue…..what was/is ‘defective’ lacking or not learned in me that made me think this was okay, or gonna change, or kept me in my own fantasy……
Yes, he is evil….no one who loves another would lie and do what he did…..up and depart like a snake…..
carry on with another leading several people on…..(I guarentee you and her arn’t the only dupes….he has business dupes, family dupes, neighbor dupes also)…..they are lies…..everything about them is a lie.
You’ve got to stop beating yourself up and allow this process……it’s part of the pain to get to the healing…..putting everything in order in our own minds.
Your both the villians…..but for different reasons.
Be kind to yourself.