“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Dear Whyme,
To cut to the “chase” and answeer all your questions at ONCE.
1) you believed him because you wanted to believe him
2) he lied to you to keep you from finding out the truth because he knew about #!.
3) He never truly loved you but faked it to get a) sex b) a place to stay c) a safe haven until he could get a more affluent partner to con
4) sure you’d broken up before, no big deal
5) sure you’d been abused befsore (made this relationship seem like heaven compared to that
6)quit thinking about being a “suitable partner” to someone else, WORK ON BEING A SUITABLE PARTNER FOR *****YOURSELF****
7) How do you forgive yourself? You realize you are human and you just DO it because you are human and humans make mistakes and humans do a few rotten things, but you just QUIT doing those things in the future and you’ll be okay. (you have a conscience)
Oh, BTW my X husband brought home an STD and I got it every time he would come home (he was working out of town) and I would have to go to the doctor and until we BOTH got treated I couldn’t get rid of it and stay rid of it. It was a bacterial vaginitis and still I never suspected he was sleeping with someone else.
Thats a 64 thousand dollar question if I ever heard one. I would suggest you re-read your last post and ask yourself it you want that kind of chaos back in your life. You were not perfect for each other, just perfect for him to manipulate..I too had all these doubts and what if’s, should of’s could of’s, what if’s and pondering’s..bottom line was I was dying a slow death, it didnt matter if he was my night in shing armour and soul mate, it had to end before someone got hurt or I committed hairy carry…it takes time but all these questions you ask will be answered..time and no contact..this is a Life Lesson so study your past – live in the present – prepare for the future.
WhyMe
I recognize the questions you struggle with. You are on a quest for truth. That quest is a process. So first, cut yourself some slack. Your brain needs the time to absorb.
RE: Thinking something was wrong with you or else this wouldn’t have happened? FACT: You could have been PERFECT and it would not have changed the outcome b/c HE is what HE is. You can only control YOU, not him. (sounds like a childhood issue. doesn’t it. where if you “get it right”, then others will give you what you want? That was my trap, thinking if I was “good”, then other people would be good to me and not mean.)
Ever have someone tell you a story and leave out a tiny piece of info, but that tiny piece negated everything, changed your entired decision? In reality, that tiny piece was EVERYTHING.
Your dude was afoul of the law in his later years, not just young and dumb. That’s a big red flag but you kinda skim it. When I think about a man in his 40’s still going to prison, that flags me something about in his personality that does NOT promise lifelong stabilty. No matter how good all the other stuff is, that tiny piece reveals something not right about him.
ON my part, I ignored how my husband loved to ridicule people. His stories were so funny. Until he turned that behavior on me. And my life became a living hell where I wanted to die. LIttle piece, that I ignored b/c so much else seemed right and truthfully I wanted the dream that he promised but I ignored that his CHARACTER wasn’t the type to give it to me.
BTW You can’t LOSE something that NEVER EXISTED. HE knew it didn’t exist. Ya got played. by da Flim Flam man.
When working on “forgiving yourself”, just remember you had help being scammed. You said yourself, he had answers to your misgivings. When someone keeps a piece of info secret from you, and that info would have changed your decision, then WHY blame yourself for that which you had NO control? Does that make sense? Stop expecting answers for nonsense. You’ll drive yourself crazy.
While you are absorbing, rehashing, and processing, remember your first responsibility is to take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Honor yourself. Respect yourself. Invest in your own well being. As Hen says, Life Lesson.
WhyMe,
You are valuable with or without a partner. This ex doesn’t sound like a person with good character . There are better men in the world – give yourself time, one might come along and be the perfect mate for you. I know that what you are going through is Extreemly difficult. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you need a mental break, not replaying the past in your head. Most likely, you are worn out. Do things that cause you to become quiet, peaceful, uplift your spirit. Go for it. Peace.
I’m so glad you all are here today. I really needed to see my acupuncturist because I’m having anxiety attacks again, but she had to change my appointment to Friday. I recognize that one of the reasons that this is so difficult for me are the physiological affects of this major depression. I work every day at trying to affirm the positive about myself, my life, & my future, & to let the dead past bury itself. I get daily gratitude affirmations in my email. I meditate over them, breathe them in, hope to release the negative. I get daily devotionals, I read them & try to absorb them. When I go to the gym, I affirm while I’m on the cross-trainer that I’m moving into a wonderful future with every step. But all of that is just so hard to integrate with the literal WEIGHT of the Depression.
I’d been getting those gratitude emails for a few yrs, but, you know, I’d stopped reading them last winter….only now do I realize that I’d stopped reading them because I really WAS depressed, like he said, but not for the reasons he said! Even tho I was blind to what was happening with his “other life”, I know I unconsciously sensed it, & it had to have affected my psyche, my moods, my way of being.
I knew that there was distance between us. When we’d hug, it’d be brief. Kisses were even briefer. He used to love for me to sleep close to him, but several yrs ago he began saying it was too hot. Besides that he snored, & I had to wear earplugs & try to move as far away as possible. On the times that we did stay in hotels, he’d say, “it’s good to have 2 beds. we can both sleep better that way.” I guess I consciously thot that we were just settling into some sort of comfortable companionship that didn’t have a lot of passion (good or bad) in it. Those are the kinds of things that make me feel very stupid! I’d never had a non-sexual relationship, but somehow it seemed right! And then there was his traveling so much—-he’d come home all energized, but seemingly happy to be home & out of airports & hotels (he’d say)—& there I was. Sitting at home alone. Not energized atall. And just hoping that everytime he’d come home, he’d have great news about his work success & some progress in our plans to get on with our future & our move to Mx. But there were just always more delays.
None of my family or friends trusted him….they were all suspicious of his travels, & his promise of a future that always seemed just around the corner….in fact, it Was always going to happen “soon”….”in a few months”….so I stupidly *waited*, putting off doing things because “we’re leaving soon”, & the things I did had been month-to-month for a couple of years (gym membership, not committing to projects at church, even my cell phone!)
ErinBrock,
thanks for telling me that what I’m going thru is just “part of the process.” That’s what I keep telling myself, but, even tho I’m miles ahead of where I was even a month ago, it just seems that “the process” is stretching endlessly….I fear that I’m going to do myself physical & emotional damage if I don’t move on out of it soon. “Physical damage” maybe isn’t the right way to put that…I’m talking about aging more quickly becuz of the stress of the depression. & at 66, I don’t need that!! I am taking care of myself. My son is still here with me & he’s a great cook, & is caretaking me in every way. I do go to the gym, go out with friends as much as possible, talk to friends every day (I’m blessed by having a lot of people who have surrounded me in this.) And I sleep. Probly too much….2 Benadryl & 2 Melatonin give me 6-9 hrs of sleep, (besides the other hour or so I lay there half-awake & hashing & rehashing.) I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in doing that!!
OxDrover,
you’re right in telling me to be a “partner to myself”….I had thot to add to “suitable partner” by saying something about being happy with myself, but I couldn’t find a way to say it. You said it perfectly.
You & hen & KatyDid have also said to view it as a Life Lesson, which I am, & to learn not to repeat behavior that I look back on as less than positive.
The trick bag I get stuck in is that I keep wishing that I could go back & change things with him!! God, I hope I can get out of this mind-set soon!!! My therapist tells me that it just takes awhile to get your brain chemistry changed in order to start UnLoving someone.
I need daily therapy, not 2x a week, & LF does it for me!
Anyone want to come over & do my anti-anxiety acupuncture today? I’m going to be rattling like an old Ford by Friday.
WhyMe:
Bbbrrrreeeeaaattthhhhhhhhhhh Darlen.
Allow the process…..and don’t fight or question it…..
And continue to take care of yourself. I’m glad you have your son to help ya. What a gem!
Whyme I dont do acupuncture but I will be right over with my w-d -40 and duct tape and bailing wire and I am sure I can fix you up good..
Hens….your so cute! 🙂
Thanks, hens! Sounds like it just might work!
Speaking of WD-40, every once in a while my ex would ride this motorcycle he had like he was James Dean or something.
He would become a “loner” for about 1 or 2 weeks…that’s about all he could handle….and he would ride this motorcycle everywhere…..like he was rebelling against something.
He would work on this bike, ride it constantly, and become one with his motorcycle. LMAO!!! 🙂
Not surprisingly, that “phase” came to an end as quickly as it started, and the motorcycle was put away.
I think he enjoyed his James Dean-like personna that he created for himself, and it allowed him to be out on display….trolling for new supply (20/20 hindsight).
Toxins love putting themselves out on display.
“All Eyes on ME”……that’s probably what he was thinking as he was riding his cycle.