“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Theres nothing more disgusting than an old man with a dirty gray ponytail riding a Harley…gross.
Whyme, I think we all battle with powerlessness. It’s very painful and humbeling to realize we can’t control what’s going on around us, and that no matter what we do, we can’t make it right. We would rather BE THE ONE AT FAULT, then to admit we can’t have what we want. PERIOD. We continue on, in this denial, believing we have the power to change it, if we change ourselves, and then by some miraculious act of nature, all will be well; we will be the masters of our destiny and, WAH LAH, we got our way!
Finally, we get smacked in the face with the futility of it all, and we have to cut our losses, admit there was nothing we could do to make it right.
The fact that we are capable of self-reflection, makes us that much more IDEAL for them. The fact that we want it so bad, makes us that much more IDEAL for them. While they are off doing what they do, with out a self-reflecting thought to save their asses, we are home looking at ourselves, judging ourselves, trying to figure out how to make it work. What on earth are we doing wrong, for Gods sake? Aren’t we the most understanding, patient and kind creature on the face of this earth?
Well, not really. We are manipulating a situation to try to make it turn out the way we want it to…We are playing God, thinking we are endowed with the power to perform miracles.
We aren’t BAD people, we are just mis-informed about what we can and cannot do.
There is actually a huge relief that comes from admitting powerlessness. Then surrender, and faith in a power greater then yourself. I can’t. God can. I’m gonna let him.
So quite doubting yourself. It wasn’t your fault.
I like what hens said…study the past, live in the present, and prepare for the future.
Jung says that there is a natural balance in relationships. There is a natural amount of energy that goes into everything, and in a healthy relationship, with two whole people, dealing with there own issues, there is balance.
But, that natural, required amount of energy will be expressed regardless, even if it is out of balance.
He says, what one partner represses, the other expresses.
So, if we are in a relationship with someone who takes no responsibility, (represses it) then we take up the slack, and bare it all…(express it) We are out of balance, the relationship is out of balance. If we reclaim our own energy, pull it back from the relationship, and use it for ourselves and our growth, the relationship will die of natural causes, because it isn’t serving the needs of the sickness it enables.
I can’t quite figure out how to say what I mean…I hope I’m making sense.
I’m back in toddlerville, this morning…trying to remain sane, and hold onto my ability to speak “adult”. Childreneise is stultifying. ROFLMAO. (Holds finger to side of her head, and twirls in circular motion, as she laughs hysterically, at nothing in particular.)
Kim that makes perfect sense, when we reclaim our own energy they just move on to a new victim, there is no natural death of a relationship with a spath however.
Yeah, hens. I stand corrected. It is not natural, and it really sucks.
Yes, everything that Kim said did make perfect sense. “manipulating a situation to try to make it turn out the way we want”. That struck a chord with me. I knew things weren’t “right”, but I didn’t know what it was, & I didn’t accept that there was something happening to our relationship. I just kept thinking it was the stress of not getting to our goals, & he’d tell me that was it, too. But when I look back, I recognize that I was accepting everything he said & did without question because I had some latent fear that if I didn’t believe him & believe in him, it would make him pull further away from me.
Yes, I resented his traveling so much–especially the trips he made to Mx “to prepare a place for us”, he said…”scouting trips”, he said, too busy & fast-moving for me to come along. & besides, he’d say we couldn’t afford it, & I’d agree with him. His company paid for all his business travel, tho I suppose either he or she paid for the additional legs of the Mx trips that always seemed to come up at the last minute, when he’d “have to” go to Pto Vallarta for some reason or another. So, yes, in that way I was manipulating the situation by going along with it all, rather than seeing it the way that all my family & friends saw it: as suspicious because he’d never take me with him. My 3rd hb was on the road almost all the time, & I knew how to pack & move along quickly, in a much more hi-stress situation than J’s.
From the start I’d given him wide latitude to go & do as he pleased. I was an astrological counselor for 18 yrs,(still am, but had stopped “working” at it, only doing charts for free for f & f) & I knew that Uranus in his 7th House of Marriage & Partnership meant that he wanted & would make sure that he had a lot of freedom. I was literally afraid to try to restrict him in any way. He was the 5th man in a row I’d been involved with—either married to, lived with, or dated—who had Uranus in the 7th, & I’d found out that trying to demand more time or attention from them was disastrous. I thot I’d “learned a lesson” about that, & was proud that I exercised such restraint in expressing my needs!
Last month, I was considering dating a friend of a friend, who I’ve known for 20 yrs, but when I ran a chart on him, I found—yikes!—Uranus in the 7th!! I don’t know if that astrological placement plays into sociopathic tendencies, but I think it’s odd that I keep being drawn to these guys with need-for-freedom issues!
Another thing that Kim said resonated with me, too: “what one partner represses, the other expresses.” That’s true of J & me in many ways…..he never said that there was anything that needed to be changed in the relationship…I’m a verbal person when it comes to my emotions….I DO express them. [I grew up in a house where everyone repressed anger, etc, & then it would explode at erratic times….I taught myself to express feelings at a time when it wouldn’t create chaos.]
But on the other hand—out of fear of restricting him—I repressed my resentments of his leaving me home alone more & more….& along with that, we didn’t have any life outside this house (& church) when he was home. He wasn’t from Tx, & didn’t want to be “texanish” in any way. Didn’t like any of my friends. So we didn’t hang out with anyone….didn’t go to local cafe/bars to meet friends….or go hear music with them….he didn’t like to be around my son or grandchildren (if we were with them, he mostly kept to himself, or if they were here, he’d come to his computer, only briefly visit with them.) So I went along with that. I told myself I didn’t like going out & visiting with friends either. So I was isolated. And isolating.
My whole life revolved around him, his work, & *waiting* for us to be able to move to Mx. He’s said *since he left* that “the girl I met was strong, funny, magical, active, spiritual, & alive…the one I left was sad, depressed, doing nothing, just gone.” Yes. I was stuck. Trapped. Living day-to-day on his promises that we were leaving “soon”, always “in a few months”. I didn’t know what to do except continue to pack up my house in preparation to leave it with my son, & to take care of things that needed to be done before we left. Now, I’m sitting here in a house with empty bookshelves, treasures packed away….a house I’d stopped putting energy into because we were “leaving soon.”
I know I need to take things out of storage & put my house back in order. I KNOW THAT. But I can’t get my stoke back up. The depression has me immobilized. And not just the depression over his leaving, but the cumulative depression that’d built up from putting my life off for “our future” & allowing myself to be living His Life.
I’m wondering if any of this sort of behavior is typical of women who become involved with sociopaths. Any comments?
I also want to ask about how long it took you all to get to a level place in your process. I’m getting really tired of hearing myself whine & watching myself sitting here, unable to find a way into a new life at 66. Everyone says I had always energetically moved forward after relationship break-ups. But that was when I was 25 or 35 or 45. It seems so impossible at my age, especially after letting My life lapse for the past 8 yrs. Thots?
Henry, what about an old woman with a gray pony tail riding a black jack ass named Fat? LOL ROTFLMAO hee hee Oh, and wearing a black felt hat with pheasant-tail feathers on the back like a tail. Hee hee That’s me!!!! Ain’t I purty?! N’ sexy too!
Whyme, I used to say something to my grandmother like “Oh, I’/ll be sooo happy when I get _______” (fill in the blank) and she would say to me, “Stop wishing your life away.”
We make plans for the future, that’s natural and good, except when we think that “Ill be happy WHEN X happens”
What if X never happens? Well then you have to come up with another DREAM to look forward to, but what about TODAY? What about being happy today? I think that is what my grandmother meant and I do think we spend too much of our energy, effort and time “being happy in the future” and not in the TODAY. Not enjoying what we have NOW. I know I have spent way too much being happy in the future and not in the today.
I agree with the poster who said there were red flags you saw but TRIVALIZED. Yep, a grown man running from the law. BIG red flag. I saw red flags with every psychopath in my life and I trivalized them each and every one, explained them away. Trivalized lies, crimes, attitudes, and just plain meanness.
NO MORE. The main thing I have done in my healing is that I am now not waiting until I find this “perfect man” or relationshit or anything else to BECOME happy when this thing or other happens. I am happy today.
Sure, Whyme, you’re depressed. Which came first the P or the depression? It is like sayhing which came first “the chicken or the egg”? They go together. If you are depressed you will attract a P because they know they can scam you, if you attract a P, they will make you depressed for sure!
I think you’re a pretty neat gal and I think you have more strength than you are even aware of! So I’ll loan you one of my asses to ride on the healing road! One is named Fat Ass and the other named Hairy Ass, but they are both great guys, strong and sure footed! I love to listen to them bray up the sun in the morning! I’m not sure it could rise without them to help it! And they are always great for a laugh!@....... Sometimes I think I need them to make me laugh more than anything else!
WhyMe,
It seems like you spent many years “putting your life on hold”, waiting for the move to Mexico (while the ex was running around making preparations for this supposed future), a plan that went up in smoke. Now, you’re wondering how to “get back into life.” You put a lot of time and energy into this relationship and in the end you’re left with basically nothing. Personally, I think that your mind and body need to rest (you’re wiped out) – absorb what happened, then you will make progress, going at you own pace, not trying to rush any of the healing. Bring God into your situation, letting Him help you get put back together (like a broken pot). That’s what I am attempting to do myself. Peace.
Whyme, I think you sound like you’re doing very well. I’m amazed that I don’t hear more anger and more sadness in your posts. I think Oxy’s right, I think you are stronger than you know.
Jupiter in the seventh house, huh? I wonder how many of mine had that?
My sun is in Pisces, my moon is in Scorpio, and my ascendant is in Cancer….with all that water, how can I not be an emotional mess?
OxDrover,
Loved your post. Your grandmother was right when she said, “stop wishing your life away,” something many of us can do.