“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Dear Sherry,
Get a digital tape recorder and keep it in your pocket for those times he comes at you verbally. Just keep enough of them to show a PATTERN of hostility and BLAM you have got him!
Dear EB,
On the forgiveness thing, to me “forgiving” means getting the bitterness for PAST offenses out of my heart. Not being BITTER about them….does not mean anything for FUTURE offenses, or in “restoring trust”—the TRUST is gone. I don’t TRUST anyone who lies to or has lied to me. PERIOD. End of that story.
I forgave son C past offenses (no longer felt bitter about them) but I also RESTORED TRUST to him—-so when he lied to me (AGAIN) it hurt, and I WAS VULNERABLE, not because I forgave, but because I TRUSTED.
Vulnerability goes with BETRAYAL OF TRUST, not with forgiveness. I can forgive but not restore trust.l
The story in the Bible of Joseph (of the coat of many colors) where his brothers sold him into slavery and he went to prison for something he didn’t do etc. people he helped forgot about him and here he was gone from favorite son to slave/prisoner, forgotten. (I can only imagine how bad a prison for slaves in Egypt must have been several hundred years before Christ)
Then he was taken out and became second ruller of the country. HIGH up on the food chain, and then his brothers pop up. The story tells us he had long ago forgiven them (no longer felt bitter toward them) but HE DID NOT TRUST THEM at all.
Before he revealed himself to them as their brother, he TESTED them SEVERELY to see what kind of men they had become in the 20 or 30 years since he had last seen them when he was being sold off into slavery. Well, they passed the tests because they were now (after all those years) willing to sacrifice their own lives rather than see their elderly father hurt by the loss of his youngest son, Joseph’s full-brother, the only other child of their mother.
Well, I FORGIVE (get the bitterness out) but I will never again RESTORE TRUST without SEVERE TESTING and TIME. I gave Son C back my trust ON THE SPOT, and for a couple of years he didn’t betray it, and actually all looked well, until BINGO! He shattered it AGAIN! Well, I love him, I really do and I have forgiven him, but there is NO way I will ever again TRUST him because he has shown me REPEATEDLY that he is NOT TRUST WORTHY. He can talk the talk, but he cannot and will not WALK THE WALK. I’m sorry for that, but that’s just the way it is.
So, though I have forgiven him and do not feel bitterly toward him, I am NOT VULNERABLE to him hurting me again. He won’t get the chance financially, and/or emotionally either.
Oxy,
You hit it, nail on the head. The difference between forgiveness and willingness to allow it to happen again are two different things. So right about forgiveness being something we do for ourselves, as much as the one seeking forgiveness. Forgiveness, in my book, doesn’t mean it is okay, it just means letting it go.
<3
Dear fearless,
That was the struggle I had because all my life my egg donor had told me, emotionally beaten into my head that “forgiveness” meant we PRETENDED IT NEVER HAPPENED even though the person had NOT CHANGED, not repented, not quit doing it….we had to pretend it didn’t happen or WE WOULD GO TO HELL!
Well, odd thing….she kept a mental check list of every thing I did from the time I was an infant, and could bring it up and quote it “scripture and verse” but some how that was okay….so I found out that the forgiveness didn’t apply to anything I had ever done, only to others. Her, her brother, my Uncle Monster, and anyone else…just not to me.
It almost turned me off of religion and spirituality as well, but fortunately, I had a step father who LIVED his beliefs….thank you Jesus! Until some time after his death I really didn’t totally appreciate just how wonderful he was though I had always had a good realtionship with him. It was only when I started seeing how EVIL it is to refuse to let a child have an opinion, or to make mistakes, or be a kid, and not only that but to use GOD as a whip and a club to punish and intimidate that child, that I realized just how wonderful he was. Now, I have a faith, but not a twisted faith in a twisted angry God, but a faith in a loving God.
I realize now that I can forgive without exposing myself to the trauma of repeated abuse from those I forgive because I do not have to trust those people. I do not have to condone what they have done or pretend that they didn’t do it on purpose.
I now know that all the things she said to me that hurt me, all the things she did that betrayed me, were done TO HURT me. In fact, typical abuser, she even told me “I didn’t mean what I said, I only said it to HURT YOU” and she didn’t GET IT when I told her that the fact she WANTED to HURT ME hurt more than what she had said and done! She didn’t get that either.
It is a daily process sometimes to let go of that bitterness and to not let it poison me, but it is something I think is essential for ME, not for her. I don’t think the Bible tells us to forgive for the benefit of the abuser, but for OUR benefit because if we harbor that bitterness it eats at US. It doesn’t hurt the bad guys, only us! We can’t “forget it” but we can learn from it!@.......
I understand EB’s need to be vigilant and equating it with not forgiving the spath. Continue to remember and protect your family but forgive yourself first of all for continuing to believe that the spath could change. Then forgive the spath and let go of the bitterness. He is disordered, not your fault.
I’m not saying to let him off the hook, just let yourself off the hook. Protect what you can and know that you have been vigilant, therefore any efforts on his part via lackeys, won’t be able to hurt you. It’s more the fear of “what if?” Lord knows that anything can happen but we can’t imagine every outcome. If you were in a car accident and you got whiplash but you took the precaution of wearing your seatbelt and not wearing your seatbelt would have resulted in a broken neck,
you’ve done everything you can. Proactive and incredibly thorough. Forgiveness is for you, not for him.
OxDrover says, “I realize now that I can forgive without exposing myself to the trauma of repeated abuse from those I forgive because I do not have to trust those people. I do not have to condone what they have done or pretend that they didn’t do it on purpose” on the road to enlightenment. Also, the notion that the abuser does not change and/or they pretend it didn’t happen, or their truth is the ONLY real truth and they did it because __________ (fill in the blank with irrational rationale) is the spath cycle exactly. When I said, “I forgive you” but that aint gonna change anything, you are still out spath, you are not trustworthy, you are scary (Didn’t tell him this out loud, except that he is OUT and I did not budge–I could not!). He really DID NOT understand, “but you said you forgive me.” I was in so deep, my mind, poisoned with toxins, I almost thought I forgave him wrong. Alas, I came to my sense–F that NOISE!!!!!!
Thank you all for helping me frame this type of abuse that is so confusing and maddening. Since I saw the light, I have been operating from my gut, WWJD, and what advice would I give my best friend/child, how would I protect my child? That is how I check myself and protect myself. Oxy–Sorry to hear you have had to deal with so much pooh. Thank you for sharing again and again.
Dear Hope4Joy, well said. Fearless, I am glad to share and most of my poo is behind me–but it has all been an opportunity for a lesson!
Using the trauma as an OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN makes it into a valuable experience!!! As we learn we grow. If we never had to reach for something, to test our metal, we would never get strong! Just as working out with weights makes our muscles strong, working out with problems helps our spirits to get strong! What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!!!
I am so relieved to have come back to this site again. I found it earlier this year, put it in my favorites, read through it at the time and thought I would come to check it out again tonight as I am still struggling with the same issues of an ex-relationship over and over and over. Like some others on this site, no..like MOST others on this site, I have been completely baffled by the amount of time it is taking me to get over a relationship that ended over a year ago. Getting over the relationship should have been a blip compared to some other things I have been through, but it hasn’t. THAT is the exact thing that continues to stump me. I appreciate the company of you all and your sharing the same underlying story line of “why didn’t I see it? why did he/she do this to me? how could they have done this?”
The man I was with started out very early on with subtle remarks about the way I dressed, my hair, my car…you name it (and of course, all very subtle)…making it seem as if I was almost “over the top” if I would say that I did not appreciate the comments. In less than one year’s time I questioned almost everything about myself. One thing that I truly thank God for, is that when my teenager entered the picture of abuse….MY LIGHT SWITCH flickered…and then WENT ON! I will not say instantly…because I was in complete and utter denial of what actually took place right before our eyes one holiday. I am not talking about physical abuse (that is easy, right? – a no-brainer, but emotional abuse is much more clever and much harder to detect). That was the beginning of my forming a pathway out of the relationship. Every time I thought I would run back to it, I rehashed the abuse, now extending beyond me and toward those I deeply love as well. As I said earlier, I believe by now I should definitely feel: “Getting out of that was a walk in the park”, I am so glad “I took the high road”, but most days I don’t feel that way. I am still very confused at times.
Writing this does help, though….as does your sharing of your own very similar stories. Seeing it all laid out in ink makes it a bit less emotional and more straight forward. It was abuse…nothing more or less…and calling it anything more glamorous is a lie we tell ouselves.
A very good book I came across this year was “Getting it Trough My Thick Head”. I did not purchase it (because, of course, doing so, might mean that I had actually been with a s.path and I was not yet ready to fully embrace that concept)….but, now, especially after reading your posts and seeing the underlying story I think I was! It is book at least worth picking up.
We will be so much more enlightened as we go forward…our friends will not really understand when we try to explain. I am sure of it…but I believe that’s okay for now…Cheers!
Will heal:
welcome back to LF.
Stick around…..learn, educate and allow yourself to continue down the healing path.
I’m glad you found us again.
Willheal Welcome. I understand that confused feeling of loss your having. I was not prepared for it back then. I was sure if he just left everything would be allright and I would get back to who I was before him…Wrong….I am much better now than ever before, now I would never let anyone abuse me with love. Hang in there it does stop hurting and the answers will come to you..This is a Life Lesson … dont fail it..
Hens?
Are you much better? I am better than I was when I lived with him. And I am wiser. But I am NOT better than BEFORE he came into my life.
I’ve lost some of my “skills”. I have TERRIBLE short term memory. I question HOW I am perceived. I am hyper to being dismissed or patronized as if a halfwit. And I’m much more self isolating. I’d rather my own company (which I like and trust), too much socializing just wears me. I used to be such an open book. Recently someone observed I was hard to get to know. That tells me how much I have closed up.
So as much as life has improved for me, maybe I am not as far along recovery as I thought. Maybe a few EBin victories will empower me to feel acceptable as worthy. I think that’s the part I am stuck on, I was forced to face how unworthy I was.
When I was a little girl, my mother caught me looking in a mirror. She had my brothers and sisters hold me down as I fought to get wawy, and she took poloroids of my face, to prove to me how ugly I really looked. I told my husband why I hated having my picture taken(when I thought he loved me), and after that, he did much the same. Took unattractive pics of me, showed them for people’s reaction, and esp the last two years, he and his family ridiculed how ugly I was. One time, Iwas crying so hard and sobbing, and he started laughing and laughed so hard, he couldn’t stand and fell to the floor laughing. I asked Why? He answered it was B/c of what I looked like. Many times, his family and friends said, “we never liked you. We only included you as a favor to (my spath)”. That scenario happened over and over, so I think they gossiped and decided it worked to hurt me the first time, so they set me up at other family, community events, saying the same publicly, in front of others so I was humiliated and left the event.
I’ve left him THREE years ago and I am SO much better. NO one will ever have that kind of power over me again. But that pain of truth forced upon me has never gone away. So what. I am not pretty. And I never learned the social skills where people invite me to hang out with them. But I do know what matters in life, caring about the well being of others and I love bringing good people together (matchmaking! if I can’t have love, at least I can be a part of making it happen for others! Makes me feel happy with warm fuzzines to see others happy.).
I don’t dwell on those past soul shreding events. But when I do, it’s no less painful than when it first occured. Lesson learned. I don’t associate with anyone who is missing their humanity.
Better than before? What did you do to help yourself to be BETTER than before an spath dragged you through hell? That’s the mindset I want!