“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
HH…….
I have seen the scenario you describe play out many times in many marriages and relationships….a loving and close to perfect beginning eventually leading to the opposite extreme and ending with the S hating his victim.
In addition to all the books and articles available about S/P types, I have found reading a lot about narcissism and verbal abuse very helpful.
HH, I have read your posts on other threads about having a rough week with strong memories being prominent in your mind. Personally, I think a year is yesterday in terms of understanding all the complexities both in terms of the other and within ourselves. What Dr. Liane says in her post above is what makes us such vulnerable targets and what makes it so hard to heal because we must completely change the way we see things (the S and his tactics), and that is hard for us because it is not our natural way of being in the world or of understanding relationships.
Dr. Liane also talks about self-referencing feelings so we are overwhelmed with anguish and deep heartbreak when we must face and accept that the feelings were not mutual but rather an empty act for some purpose we cannot even begn to comprehend and that makes no sense to us.
We thrash about in our minds trying to piece together words and actions in a way that might appear reasonable and understandable, but the effort only leads to the inevitable conclusion that the whole thing was a lovefraud and we must deal with our pain, learn our lesson, and move on with our lives using the experience to create something better for ourselves for those who will come into our lives.
Ultimately, we experience a transition in our understanding and in the way we take care of ourselves. I think there will always be a twinge of hurt when certain memories are triggered, but they cease to be distracting and excruciating, and they don’t resonate in a way that is so consuming.
Thank you, EyeofTheStorm. Yes, It has been almost a year since I threw him out of the house, but only 5-6 months with sustained NC (my end – he kept finding ways to get through until a month ago when I shut down every possible avenue). And it really on feels like three months that I have started doing the real work. And only the last two weeks where I have been really facing the full reality.
It’s like the movie of our relationship is getting replayed, but this time I am REALLY seeing it – whereas the first time I slept through it, or had dark sunglasses on, or whatever….
Everything you say makes alot of sense, and you have said it very eloquently, thank you. You sound like a calm, soothing, voice of reasoning. Reading your words was actually calming. Thank you.
This has been a tough week. But I actually feel a lot better today than I did a few days ago.
I look forward to the time when the memories are far less potent.
And, Eyeofthestorm – thank you for following my posts and my story. I love the way people do that here (and I do it, too!). It’s so wonderful to “be seen.”
HH: The S/P was well versed in sales tactics: human potential sorts of manipulations. He loved his library of books on that sort of manipulation. He wanted to take me to a Tony Robbins weekend so we could both “walk on coals together.” I thought that was bizarre and scary — and it was! I’m sure it was about seeing how far he could manipulate me into doing something that could be painful and even debilitating.
I know that at one point he was being evaluated for custody purposes and he was worried that he might “fail” the psych evaluation. I had no idea at the time why that might be so. I thought he might be dealing with PTSD from his time as a Navy SEAL. Oh, wait, he didn’t claim that — that was the rest of you guys! — this guy had served on a nuclear submarine!
Eye: I like the way you’ve said it, but I don’t think the S/P “hates” at the end. I think it’s just the way their story runs. Just like they didn’t really “love” at the beginning. These are words we use to describe their behaviors that LOOK like “love” and “hate.”
Rune,
Did you go to the Tony Robbins weekend? What did you think of Tony Robbins? I always had big ???? in my mind about him and his approach. He seemed like a con artist salesman to me. Walking on coals! Not me! Nice, simple, reliable, predictable people don’t want to do things like that! Not my idea of adventure!
Rune,
I see what you are saying. The “hate” and nasty stuff at the end was probably there at the beginning too; they couldn’t let it show because it would not work as a very effective hook! Cheap cover ups wear thin fast and people always revert to their true nature.
Eye: He got “front row seats for us,” all I had to do was come up with $1000 — half price!!!! As if I even had a weekend to get away from the fires he was continually setting. The S/P was always latching onto the next guru and next vague, hard-to-prove wellness technique, and next expert in some dubious field as a way to influence more people and impress them with his (pseudo)knowledge. I actually have or had a strong aversion to things he would promote, because he never promoted anything from a sincere desire to help. It was always a tool to manipulate. If I’ve adopted anything he ever talked about, it is in SPITE of his promotion, not BECAUSE of it.
When I speak here about the Sedona Method, or EMDR, or neurofeedback, or meditation, or cognitive behavioral therapy, or anything else, I’ve experienced results on my own even in my most extreme and desperate circumstances. I know others may not find the same results, so I don’t care whether other people like my suggestions or find them helpful in the end — I just share what has worked for me. I admit, though, that I have probably a permanent resistance to any 12-step program because of the way the S/P used it.
No, we didn’t go to the Tony Robbins weekend.
My ex-S was an enormous fan of vague, hard-to-prove, wellness techniques! He’d buy some wild new-age book or find a new guru, swami, whatever, and learn just enough to talk about his new wellness in terms that sounded somewhat informed….and then he dropped it (D & D) and found a new spiritual path. God forbid he follow through and do some real work. Of course in the first few months of our relationship he embraced my spirituality….he had finally found what he was always looking for! Because of ME! I was so wonderful! YAY ME!!!!! Gosh was I happy to help him with his spirituality! He and I connect so well! I’m “loved” and valued, and respected, and finally I have found my true love! I will be happy!
now dim the lights and cue the ominous music……
How bout the Jaws soundtrack?
HH: Was he also Native American? (I mean absolutely no offense to any ethnic group whatsoever. I have tremendous respect for the Native American spiritual paths. I really object to pseudo-shaman who will use ANY excuse to dupe trusting souls, including blaspheming the Native American ways.)