“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Kimmy, Its like they are the angler and were the fish, They dangle the bait,which is heavily disguised by the Lure,{to make it alluring!{sorry!} Then if we swallow the bait, all they have to do is twitch on that line, and up we come! Or they may keep us dangling for ages on that line. The spath thinks, “all I need to do is twitch that dam line and shes hooked and cant escape.!” We need to get off that hook, even if it tears our flesh, and swim free!
Love,Mama gem.XX
Yepper, Gem. And sometimes all they want is to know they can make us twitch. Sick.
KimF…..you asked if on again/off again r/s have at least one disordered partner….Obviously not all of them are that, but what popped into my head about that is if one partner goes “off” the other for a boundary type issue (lying, cheating, and even lesser “offenses”) and then goes back on and then back off that to me sounds like that partner is unable to maintain a boundary and is most likely not that healthy emotionally. I have only had one r/s that was on again off again and it was because the guy wasn’t “sure”. Well, had I been more emotionally healthy I would have figured out that I was giving up a lot of my power to this guy and I wasn’t allowing him to either have the space he needed to figure it out or I was too afraid of being alone, etc. Either way there were things I needed to look at for myself. In the end we broke up (I actually finally ended the insanity!) but realized how I chased him, wouldn’t let go etc and learned another lesson about myself. So much of my r/s issues had to do with “sick attracting sick”. Leaving x spath was a healthy decision. Slowly I have been shown the things in my life that need changing and I feel grateful to be able to have the insight to look within. Unlike x spath. well, now sure I even addressed your question KF! But it got me to thinking about how much of my power I gave away to men in my life…not any more, however. Until I get to the place where I am trusting my instincts and judgments fully for myself I always check out questions I have about people with trusted friends, LF, therapist, etc.
I remember one time about 8 years ago I was telling someone I hated men. I can’t remember what I said about why but about a week later I was talking to this same person again and I told her, “wait, no, I am wrong…I don’t hate men. I am mad at myself for allowing the things that men have done to me.” At that point i finally realized MY PART in every situation. I had no boundaries whatsoever. i didn’t want to be “rude” or “mean” or “disrespectful” but instead I did all those things to myself! It’s craziness.
I have taught my daughter a different way. she is already different in her classroom just being Chinese. Plus she is super petite…very muscular and strong, but tiny. I asked her one day if anyone at school bothers her or makes fun of her in anyway and she said “Yes.” I asked her in what way. she said “because I am so small some give me a hard time.” I asked her how she felt, what she did about it and she said “Oh, I don’t care! I am perfect the way I am”. (she has always heard that God made her perfect just the way she is). I as so proud of her. She was 7 when she said that. She is now almost 9 and is such a great kid. she is confident, very intelligent, funny as hell, and sweet. I would have loved to grow up with that kind of confidence but I didn’t. My job now is to change my own beliefs about myself and then to help my daughter by helping her develop who she is and be comfortable in her own skin.
Has anyone read The Four Agreements? I have to say, it is an inspirational read. I won’t go into it now but recommend it.
One mroe thing: forgiveness. It is difficult for sure. Like others have said forgiveness is for ourselves. To rid our hearts of the venom. To free ourselves from the bondage of that person. I will attempt to pray for the person I am holding a resentment towards. When I have resentments I know I have to forgive! It only hurts me not to. What I try to do is pray for that person to have what I want for my own life…peace, love, healing…etc. I do this daily for a month. And the prayers usually start out with a few cuss words and some venom….but eventually I let that go and my entire perspective changes. It is amazing how it works. I am not condoning the behavior or pretending it didn’t happen nor am I saying I can’t continue to hold them accountable in the ways that I have control over (e.g. if something needs to happen legally then i will do what I need to do to follow through and take care of myself). I have found this to work for me, although it is not at all easy. Right now I am day 2 of doing this for x spath. I want to be free and I am tired of having been in bondage for the past 5 years to this person. I am wondering if I should even call him spath any more. Does that keep me feeling angry toward him? I don’t know yet. I do know that I used to call him (only to a few people) f__k wit. I stopped using that word because it kept me angry.
Just my 2 cents….
I have been following through on my plan to call my D four times/week (she lives 3 hours away) and it is helping me take back my power. She is just a doll and very happy, sweet. I have to say i am proud of how I raised her the first four years before divorce. LOL! I worked hard to find a way to help her learn boundaries but to not break her incredible spirit. She is now in a new school for gifted kids. She is learning Latin! I am so excited she has that opportunity and she loves it. So, even though I don’t see her daily I am actually grateful she has this new school. It is one thing i can focus on when I get hopeless and angry.
I might sound kinda pollyanna-ish and I don’t mean to. But where I was four weeks ago to now…a huge difference. Practically suicidal to taking back my power, regaining confidence and changing how I think of my future. I owe it in big part to LF! Thank you!
Dear Chinagirl,
I can definitely tell the DIFFERENCE in you and where you were just a short time ago! I here positive in your posts now. I also hear connection with your daughter instead of just loss.
Keep on the path you are on my dear, you are doing so well! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Hi Chinagirl. I asked that question because my x and I did the same dance for 7 years…on again, off again.
He would do nothing all day but drink and run around socializing while I worked. I paid the bills and carried the responsibility…I would get a belly full and bitch about it, and he would go MIA to teach me a lesson…or he would start a fight and go MIA so he could party and indulge himself in some dbl. life he didn’t want to share with me. The cycle would come to a climax, and we would split…usualy after the bottom dropped out, and all I wanted was for him to be sorry and feel some remorse…be willing to change his irresponsible behavior. After a while, I’d get back on my feet, and there He’d be, so sorry and so missing me, and so wanting another try. I would think, this time it will be different! I felt as if I had succeeded in teaching HIM A LESSON. NOPE. 7 years of this ad nauseum.
It just seems to me, if a relationship has problems, but both people want it to work, they work on it. He never worked on it. He was always ready to return and suck up more goodies, though. And I was always willing to let him. What was it in me that refused to admit IT WASN”T WORKING?
No boundrys. Low self esteem, fear of abandonment, self will, denial, contol issues…..yeah, I have issues, too. To be sure.
But he sure knew how to work those issues.
I have heard that suggestion for ridding oneself of resentment before…praying for that person….someone told me once that it took her a whole week to say anything more than, “God bless that son of a bitch” but she said it worked for her. I haven’t been able to pray for him on a regular basis. Maybe two or three times in the last three years, and only when I’m feeling especially charitable, but I might try it. I do believe in the spirit of forgiveness!
I’m so happy to hear that your daughter is happy and healthy, and learning how special she is…learning boundrys and self esteem. BRAVO. And TOWANDA, too.
hens: been away since tonight till today, more on-duty grandma time for my son. Wish I knew when/where in previous post I explained Persephone choice and myth…might be best to google! But essentially everyone here has had their taste of being Persephone, unsuspecting maiden of myth who is abducted by Hades
of the Underworld, her mother Demeter tries to find her everywhere – Persephone is allowed to come back up into light and out of Underworld (Hell…) but she does
eat pomegranate seed and still has to return below for Winter (myth explains the seasons as well) and leave her friends and family above. There is much more to it, but after my second marriage which was so difficult – and divorce – I did painting using Persephone as well as the Red Shoes story and it’s symbolism, felt like I’d been dragged down to Hades while also wearing the Red Shoes – which made you dance and dance forever unless you cut off your feet to get them off! Like many myths and folklore, there are different versions, but I identified with them both in numerous ways. Have allowed myself to go back and dance in Hades a bit more so trying to get those shoes off again and stay up here for Springtime! And 7 is just the number I have special feeling for…
Kim and Chinagirl: thanks so much for your insights, they really hit home with me today, especially around forgiveness and prayer for other person as well as for ourselves.
Hello again and thank you for the welcome back. This is in response to what Kim wrote above to Shabby: “It is my experience that these guys come around just often enough to keep the emotional energy swirling. That is to say, they keep you in that “lovelorn” state of mind, not because they want a relationship, but because it gives them a sense of power, and they know they can push your buttons and pull your strings to keep you attached, etc”
Kim…I think you know exactly what you are talking about. I had this very thing happen to me…after approx 8 mos my s.path called and wanted to bring something back to my house..and it had to be THAT VERY NIGHT of course..something he had had at his house since I ended the relationship. I was actually thrilled…tried not to act like it, but Thrilled. Of course, you can imagine how the night played out. He was very complimentary (for him), we talked, he asked about my family..unusual for him, AND..he wanted sex..Imagine!? I wouldn’t give. He then turned to me after we were “semi-passionate” and said straight forward…in the same manner that anyone else would say: “Hey, I want a sandwich” or something normal. He said: “You know I really didn’t love you…not really. I mean you were a lot more in love with me than I ever was with you.” …and it took me back…way back to the type of things he would say when we were together. It’s those statements that COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND YOU ARE SET TOTALLY OFF COURSE. It’s hard to let them sink in b/c they are so out of character for the moment. Do you know what I am saying here? Anybody?
I can recall several incidences where we would be having an either very normal or very nice conversation and I would be hit so hard below the belt by some supposedly casual comment that was designed to criticize me or my family, my job, my home, you name it. And it worked!
I would agonize over it b/c talking to anyone only makes them hate the guy you’re with and they don’t want to hear it…or you know that your friends are slowly thinking you have lost all of your self respect and they are having a hard time connecting with you…remember you used to be that strong woman (or man..sorry guys..don’t want to exclude here).
Oh…if we were in one room we would probably be shouting over one another with our stories, b/c I think only someone who has been thru it can relate to how this can possibly happen to normal people…and WORK!
Thanks again to all for sharing…we really do have a lot in common…..look at the common underlying threads….people like you above who have had very sad upbringings…abusive parents, abusive ex-spouses, and siblings. I think the answers lie in finding what it is in OUR past that has caused us to permit this behavior, recognizing those people and patterns, working thru those issues and then moving on in the here and now w/ a better set of sneakers! Cheers!
Hi KimF….I so get it! I used to try to “fix” my x. all the time! Our marriage was so sick and when i told him that he said “It’s not sick. We have a couple of problems”…so then I’d doubt myself. Yours and mine both were so manipulative. I, too, put up with it for seven years. His first wife couldn’t believe I lasted 7 years! Lucky her she got out in under 2 and without children with him. She has a gorgeous life now!
My x admitted to me at the end when in therapy that he would pick fights so he didn’t have to help me if I was sick. I cannot believe he admitted it!
Yes, I too had and have issues. The cool thing is we get to change! We work on them. We have insight! and we can leave them to themselves…I know my x has a difficult time in his own head. Its a scary place for him to be. And yes, they definitely know where our weaknesses and vulnerabilities are and they use that. What blows my mind is how I ignored the signs, the very obvious signs when dating him. He cheated on me twice when dating, duh, he did some other strange push pull behavior, he’d want me to go on trips and meet his family and at the last minute cancel and then come back and beg for forgiveness, crying…well, holding his head in his hand and shaking his head…never saw actual tears. But I wasn’t healthy emotionally then. I was needy in some ways, had fears, and I t hought I wanted, needed to be married. I had been divorced from first husband who is not spath for 15 years and I wanted another child and time was running out! So I ignored all that he told me about himself and allowed him to treat me like poop and he did! His family did, too. That people pleasing, wanting to be nice, wanting to be liked and approved of did a number on me. Sick attracts sick! and we were magnets. Another thing is I do believe men tell us everything we need to know about them up front. I watch and listen now especially and see the facts plain as day. We just ignore these facts because we think we can change them! And we think we can change these spaths which is never going to happen! Or, we think we can love them enough for the both of us. I did that one a lot. I listen now. I believe what theys ay to me now. Although it doesn’t matter right now because dating is the last thing on my mind.
I am so happy to have come up and out of the fog…out of my incredible denial about all of this. And KimF you are, too! Don’t beat yourself up. We are all learning and changing. I was in denial about this for 12 years. Slow or what? But I have learned a lot and realized I am strong. We all have incredible courage. And we have strength in our numbers together. You all h ave helped me so much.
Oxy, thanks for the positive reinforcement! I appreciate it. I have turned a corner…Like you or ErinB said I write to his new wife and send emails to my D that way. I am kind, and nice….”professional” in a way…don’t say anything negative AT ALL, don’t even talk about x, just say thank you to her for helping D with halloween costume because I can’t right now and thank her for helping D with homework and for copying the email for D to read and allowing D to call me back promptly when I text to ask if D is available to talk. She has changed towards me. I do not know if she is seeing signs from him yet or what. I can’t imagine he has changed but sometimes I think maybe it was all me and now he is perfectly happy! But, that can’t be right. It takes two and I had a part but he had a bigger part.
KimF, my x wouldn’t change either. None of his behaviors changed…he would just say “I am working on it” but actions speak louder than words. So I had to make a decision and that decision was to leave him. Little did I know what the consequences would be for that…and at times I wonder if I should have stayed until D was 18 but I doubt I could have. I was crying in the floor in my bathroom every single day the last year of our marriage….I was a skeleton of the person I once was with him….He sucked me dry. He was a bully to me. I couldn’t let my D think that was ok. I wouldn’t want her to look for that in her own r/s some day. It was a painful decision but necessary for me to live.
P7-Hi! Funny, 7 is the number I am “attracted” to and have good luck with. Yes, we have all been in Hades….ugh. Don’t want to go back. And, we don’t have to EVER go back there! We have to deal with what’s happening currently with them but we never have to live our lives with someone like that ever again. That makes me very happy.
Oh, DUH! I just realized that this topic forum was still here…I’d been posting on the “perspectives” topic, & wishing that I could get back to this forum! There’ve been so many wonderfully wise & heartbreakingly sad posts on here in the past 4-5 days that I feel I must respond to! I have to leave in just a bit to go talk to my atty, & to my pastor, & to get to the gym, so I’ll have to post my responses when I get back later today.
I just want to say now that the earlier posts from KatyDid & from Chic almost brot me to tears…..I related so much to what you were both saying. I want to take some time tonite to respond to both of you two, & to others who’ve shared so much wisdom.