“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
stolen_innocence,
This person sounds like a sociopath. In time, you’ll be glad he’s out of your life. They will never truly take the blame (exhibit actual remorse for their misdeeds) for anything, instead, they’ll always have excuses to justify their behaviour (even if what they’ve done is wrong). Their behaviour is crazy-making, creating a lot of emotional upheaval in the “normal” partner – the sociopath doesn’t recognize or care about all the truama that he/she causes others. They are chaos on legs.
stolen_innocence,
I just found LF a couple of weeks ago myself—when I poured my whole story out as you have (& also apologized for it being so long!)—& there was an immediate sense of being somewhere that was very warm & comforting when I was received here in much the same way as you have been. As others have said, I’m so sorry that your loving a sociopathic man has brought you here, but, like the others, I’m glad you have come here. This IS a place of comfort & reassurance & self-affirmation, & where you can begin to make peace with yourself.
As always, so much of your story resonates with mine & all the others. I especially related to your saying that he was all apologies, all so sorry that he’d hurt you, & that it was his fault—that there must be something wrong with him…..until you’d actually confront him with his lies & betrayals, & then he’d immediately react by saying that the ways that you were wrong had “forced” him to be the way he was!
I have probly 150 emls from my x-SP that go thru the whole cycle of “i’m sooooo sorry this has affected you” [*affected* me?!!?] & “it’d be best if you were just angry with me…..i’m a creep & not mentally well.” And then when I’d reply “YES, you ARE a creep & you are NOT mentally well,” he’d say, “this is why I had to leave you….I was never good enough for you. I have some pride left & I am not a creep.” !!! He said a lot of mean things to me (ONLY after he left me w/out a word—much like your SP, he gave me a peck g’bye & I never saw him again), but the meanest was this….leaving me to forever wonder what he was talking about: “I don’t want to tell you the real reason why I decided to leave you when I did….it would be mean & unnecessary….but you & I know the truth.” OMG Oh My God.
I’m reading your story about how you discovered him in his lies while you all were still together…..I still wonder what would’ve happened had I actually Caught my SP in a lie (instead of just suspecting & questioning him….& his easy explaining it away.) But I think your story probly tells me what would’ve happened. And it really sounds like more of a miserable experience than what I’ve endured in only finding out the truth in 2-3 months after he abandoned me.
My SP walked out on me in May. I’m working with a therapist 2x a wk, taking Wellbutrin, getting acupuncture & massage for the depression, & talking with my pastor, & fortunate to have a huge circle of F&F supporting me…..and still I have very bad days. I know I’m better. I’m no longer constantly wishing I were dead. But I know it’ll be a long time before I completely recover mySelf.
I’ve gotten so much support here at LF & so many answers to my many questions…..answers from women (mostly) who’ve been there & have suffered with the SP experience & have learned from it. There’s a lot of wisdom here. Welcome to LF, s_innocence.
stolen_innocence, gripping read. I am SO sorry about what happened to you. You sound like an honourable person.
Reading your account, I swear to dog, every paragraph (or more often) elicted an Oh My God, or a sharp intake of breath.
It’s like there’s a handbook out there for psychopaths.
Chapter One… How to spot a good target.
Chapter Ten… What to do if you’re confronted with a lie.
etc..etc…
ps he strung you along for that long because he owed you money, you might give him more, and to punish you for making him sign a promissory note.
Dear Precambrian,
Us “old hands” here at LF have joked for a long time about “the psychopath’s playbook” sort of like a foot ball coach has a “play book” the psychopaths do too! LOL I think you will fit right in here with your sharp intake of humor and your understanding of “they are all so much alike!” Without empathy, without remorse, without caring. Totally egocentric and narcissistic. Unable to comprehend even what damage they do to us much less CARE.
Actually there are internet sites where they give each other atta boys and “how to” advice just like we do here! Believe that or not I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP. once in a while one of them will come here just to Poke fun at us, or to stir up trouble by defending themselves, or pretending to be a victim. They don’t last long though, as we SPOT them pretty quickly. (see the report abusive comment link on the right?) that grew out of one of those encounters. Donna runs a tight ship. Don’t respond back to one taht is “nasty” or “testy” just hit the “button” and then IGNORE THEM. They HATE to be ignored more than anything in the world. That’s why NO CONTACT WORKS SO WELL. They hate not being the center of attention! Of not being in CONTROL. When we ignore them they lose control. Here or in real life too. DO NOT RESPOND to the attempts to gain attention that they throw out.
If one discards you and goes away, you are miles ahead of some of the rest of us that cannot get them to either go away, stay away or quit trying to hurt us or those close to us.
Glad you guys are here! It’s a good place. God bless Donna!
Ox D,
Get OUT!
Please tell me you’re kidding about there being support site for these creatures.
If not then can you link me?
Yeah, Oxy, Really? I did run across some divorce support sites that advise how to reduce child support payments, that turned my stomach a little. I wonder what they call themselves, hmm?
precambrian,
You have something there, “he strung you along for that long because he owed you money, you might give him more, and to punish you for making him sign a promissory note”
In the weirdest twisting of logic, my husband was ANGRY at me for not stopping him from cheating on me. He blamed me for not watching out for HIS safety from HER. Mind you, he lied about everything and ridiculed me for acting like a jealous wife b/c I accused him of “a feeling, an intuition, of him and her”. His answer was he’d NEVER be with that kind of person (she was the town w****, a druggie, and a total drunk.)
He strung me along and punished me for trusting him. And yes, those divorce websites are real, they are to protect men from women who dare to leave them. ALL The advice appeals to sociopaths. Dirty tricks to fraud to assaults and other crimes to intimidate and control.
Dear Stolen Innocence,
He was a flim flam man, so far down the conman scale he probably couldn’t get a job as a used car salesman or a time share salesman. I don’t hold much regard for his family. They knew and they didn’t protect you, means they were complicit. Stay away from them too.
As you know, no contact.
May cost you all you’ve paid out so far but thank dog you aren’t married!!
Having learned that people aren’t what they appear, I will never get involved with someone who can’t pass my bs test, and that might include hiring a PI to do a background check.
So sososo sorry. You got played.
Dear Precambrian,
NO I AM NOT KIDDING! I wish I were. Can’t remember the site’.s name, but you can contact Donna and I am sure she can put you in touch. I went there a long time ago and read a bit but it made me ILL TO EVEN READ IT. (really!)
I am a big kidder and get in touble sometimes for talking “tongue in cheek” and not putting up a smiley face, but I amm NOT kidding on this one.
There is NO LIMIT to how low they will go and how much they enjoy poking at regular people. When they come here they either fake being a victim and start an up roar, or they announce that they are a KIND psychopath and how dare we be so mean about the Ps, after all they have feelings too, you know.
One guy came here as a victim and kept up a blog about how we should help him write a letter to his P-x GF but eventually gave himself away. Another woman came here and pretended to be a Victim—but she eventually got snotty andn nasty when she couldn’t be the center of attention any more.
The usual way to spot them here (not always right but many times) is that they SUCK UP SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND SYMPATHY like a Hoover but they seldom if ever give any to anyone else. Most normal people who come here in pain may post long and hard for quite a while, but before 2-3 weeks are gone by they are welcoming others, supporting others, etc. but those that have “Issues” or “ego” and are just more or less POSING as vistims they just suck up sympathy, attention, and are “tacky” and “hateful” to other posters.
It used to irritate me no end when this kind of poster would come along. Now, I ignore them, post “around” them and not directly to them again. They eventually go away. The only time I ever “boink” someone for a “pity party” is when I know they are really just having a hard day and I want to get their attention in a semi-funny way. We’ve all had our pity parties here, me included! But we don’t let each other WALLOW in them. That’s why we are friends! That’s what friends do for us when we start to suck our thumbs and wallow in self pity or self depreciation.
I think most of us here realize when you are depressed or down you may be “cranky” or “irritable” but we don’t hold that against each other either! But when we see someone who is doing something that is SELF DEFEATING over and over and over and over–stuck as it were. We tell them that they need to quit it. Just like we would tell an alcoholic friend who is still drinkning but saying “I can handle it” when WE KNOW THAT ISN’T TRUE! But it is said out of LOVE not hate or anger.
Anyway, I hope that gives you some idea of what goes on. We had a troll the other day that stopped by and I recognized her and notified Donna on the report abuse button and she was gone by lunch time. Donna runs a tight ship! She’s no one’s fool about dysfunctional and toxic folks! Donna has a PhD in the “University of Hard Knocks”–she and some of us are doing our post-doc studies! LOL I’m working on my EB degree!
Thank you all!!! I find myself questioning everything these days. It has been 8 months since I found the first email and initally confronted him…and 5 since I discovered he was in Vegas with her and told him to F*&$ off!!!!
There are so many days I wish I stayed angry….but grief is the emotion that returns. Followed by questions…what could I have done to help him make better choices..what if I was more like her…why does he not understand why I feel so betrayed. I remember when we first talked after vegas. He said he wanted to save our friendship…I knew it wasn’t possible but I wanted to express my heart. We talked for over two hours…he was calm..he was understanding…he let me be emotional and cry.
The story about “her” had come out a couple of months before…they were just friends 10 years ago…the best of friends…he told me “she probably knows me better than you do” They were never romantic then..just friends. He felt like she was always the unattainable one. But there had been a terrible tragedy….they had gone out with a group of friends…she had gotten very drunk (he said he had contributed to that) he had out her in a cab and told them to wait while he went to get the other guys…when he came back the cab was gone. He said the cab driver took off and raped her at gunpoint. He said her family blamed him and he felt like he somehow ruined her life. He was so excited to reconnect and have the opportunity to get closure on that night. He told me he had never told anyone about it before me.
I tried to expliane to him that I was fine with a friendship but OUR relationship had to be the priority. I completely understood the need for healing from that…but honesty with me about the situation was mandatory. In my conversation with “her” I discovered his story was partially true.
I guess thats why he is always so believable…he always throws a grain of truth in the mix. They did go out…she says she was actually drugged..by someone else…(she had one drink)that D put her in the cab and the other people who drugged her came and took her. She said she doesn’t remember much more…and that she saw that night as a positive…it was a wake up call for her to change her life. She said her brother blamed D…said he “sold her” to the cab driver. BUT…she said that they saw each other a fe weeks after….they met at a park and played with their dogs. She said he had met another girl and she new when the hugged goodbye that they weren’t going to be friends anymore. So the big sympathy play of I never saw her again was a lie. (but then my brain says well maybe thats how he remembered it…i hate to think that he could use such an awful event for his benefit!! But then i was told that he said he had lost his fiancee in 911 too…which I know isn’t true!!! WHO DOES THAT!!!!!)
I guess in our first conversations I was so heartbroken but I wanted to show him that I never wanted to prevent him from finding healing…I just was angry that he could lie and sneak of to vegas with her….even as “just friends” I mean really…who goes to Vegas with the unattainable one to find “closure”….I might be loving and generous, and overly forgiving….but I’m not stupid.
When I started to find out the truth and call him on it is when he changed…I was impossible to communicate with…I accused him of turning the knife and he said I was the master and that is why he was angry. I think I tried to keep expaining myself to him…kept thinking that if I said it the right way..used the right words or emotions that he would finally understand and explain it. The only explination i ever got was that one day he just didn’t love me as much as he did in the beginning. He loved me all the time at first then one day it was’t the same…no reason why. Then at one point I remember him saing “sorry monkey you just couldn’t compete.”
After I discovered all of his lies (well I’m sure I haven’t discovered ALL of them) I wanted to confront him…I wanted him to KNOW that he didn’t get to walk away without someone knowing what he did…who he was. He gave me a blanket “i’m sorry for some of the things I did in our relationship” But he never took any real responsibility.
I guess one some of the hardest things for me to get is why he would be so mean..then come back a few hours later with an apology. Even in the worst of it….when I told him EXACTLY what I thought…I think I even called him a spath. He told me that he had tried to have positive communication with me …but I obviously wasn’t capable of that so he felt no need to continue…that the part of him that once loved me and cared for me deeply wished me well and hoped I found love someday..but the part of him that had endured the attacks and name calling didn’t need to be in contact with me anymore (other than to send me checks/discuss repayment) and would appriciate if I did the same. Then two weekd later..when I didn’t get a payment like he said I would…he sent me an email saying he remembered that this time last year I had made a couple of trips to CA happen and so he wanted to say thanks. WHY…WHY…WHY?????
I totally see the pattern now that I know more of the history, I totally see that he refuses to accept responsibility….I know that he lied to her about us. But part of me wonders why he wants to do the right things for her…why is she special enough for him to step up.
So here is a question…do these people ever really feel for us on any level. I remember seeing a few emails he wrote to a friend about us. How much he loved me..how special our relationship was. Why would he write those things if he really never felt anything..he never knew I saw them. He wrote an email to his uncle in the end saying he was planning on proposing soon..why tell is family that?
Maybe it is hard to for to accept because while we were together (in the same town) he was always wonderful, communicative, caring, emotionally generous….I never LIVED with the one who was mean, angry, hurtful….he was never like that face to face.
I guess I’m still trying to understand something that isn’t understandable.
Whyme – I’ve read some of your posts and it is scary how much is the exact same…i feel like you are telling my story at times…I’ve done the exact same thing to myself as the devils advocate….sometimes even questioning if HE was the better person in the relationship by trying for so long…he must have really loved me right to try that long when he just didn’t “feel” it anymore… PLEASE!!!!!! ERRRRRR!!!!!
Ox- thank you so much for the helpful words…and many posts here…you seem to be a great source of wisdom for many. I will say that you pointed out that he should have contributed when he was out of work. I have to give him credit for that…initally he did…for the first 3-4 months he lived with me he did help with cooking, cleaning, laundry. More at the begining obviously…but he did help at one time.
Katy- I just wanted to clarify about his family. They are wonderful and have helped me so much in the healing process. They didn’t intentionally keep me from the truth. They had no idea what he had told me..as soon as they found out they pointed out all of the lies. They even have come together as a family to acknowledge his behaviors. They said until this noone ever realy communicated about him…they all had helped in different ways…they were all used in different ways but they never told anyone else. Now they know and are more aware. I didn’t want to appear to say they had hidden it from me. They have been very protective even to the point of trying to recover my property and money.
Again…I’m open to any advise. I wish I could just accept that this is who he is…that I’m not trying to make this fit to make myself feel better about being rejected. (even though to this day he will tell you that I broke up with him!!!) I understand the no contact rule. It is hard. How do I deal with the repayment issue if I have no contact…or am I just stupid to believe he is going to pay up. Is legal action a good idea….I know of a couple of things he did that may be criminally prosecuted it I choose to purse it. I just hate to walk away and let him get away with it….thats what everyone else has always done…because it is easier….I guess I just want some kind of consequence.