“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Stolen Innocence:
Sociopaths are incapable of love and empathy to some degree, depending on the severity of their disorder. Some are totally incapable. Some appear to show fleeting signs of love, but sooner or later they are overwhelmed by their primary objectives – power and control.
The actual degree of the disorder is unknowable and irrelevant. They are all toxic, and lousy relationship partners.
All of the affection he seemed to be expressing could have been an act. All of his promises to change were probably manipulation. Anything he said could have been a lie, including his explanations about the old girlfriend.
It is difficult to get our heads around the depth of emptiness of these disordered people. We can’t understand it. We can only accept it, put the experience behind us and move on – with much more wisdom that you had in the past.
If you haven’t done it already, you should cut off all contact with him and his family. With time and emotional distance, you will heal.
Lost Innocence, My guess is that in the beginning he was hoovering, and it was working. What I mean by this is he used the pity ploy, to make excuses, and gain your sympathy…as long as this was working, he “LOVED” you. You were perfect for him, after all you loved him unconditionally, you took care of all his needs, including the financial ones. Once you started to feel un easy about the situation, once you started question him, press him to find work, complain because it wasn’t working for you…he knew the jig was up. You had his number, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he was out in the cold. We call this process the slippGE OF THE MASK. hIS WAS SLIPPING AND HE DID WHAT THEY OFTEN DO, STARTED SCOUTING FOR HIS NEXT FREE-RIDE.
This new GF is no more special or loved than you were, and he won’t treat her any better than he did you. She is a means to an end, and he is just cycling through his game. Eventually his mask will slip with her too, and he’ll be setting up the seduction of the next one. He will continue to do this until it no longer works…whenever that is…
Do yourself a favor and let up on yourself. It wasn’t your fault, and the only thing that could have saved the relationship is living through your own slow emotional suicide.
He might have stayed if you never complained and went on letting him suck you dry…until someone with more money, more toys, a nicer house, a better location, etc. etc. etc. came along. They never really love anybody…they love what you do for them, and that is all.
Sorry Stolen innocence, I got your name wrong.
Oxy:
“Donna has a PhD in the “University of Hard Knocks—“she and some of us are doing our post-doc studies! LOL I’m working on my EB degree! ”
That is so true about the University of Hard Knocks……we’ve all attended and ACED the program!
I love the EB degree…..
I never knew i’d be going for my masters in Erin Brockovich!
🙂
EB
I am going for some extra credits in the arts: ‘sock puppetry’, and, ‘learn to write 20 credible characters for your next drama’.
Am also considering joining the back to the land students’ club – they have a really interesting project this year: how to stalk, flay and skin the most dreaded of predators. (with sincere apologies to anyone who is offended by my homicidal humor)
Stolen Innocence, Glad you found LF and so sorry you HAD to find LF! I have only been here about a month but it has changed everything about my outlook. Reading your story reminding me of things I had forgotten about my ex. He, too, would take a grain of truth and weave a huge lie…and he also would “reunite” with old girlfriends and make up stories to why it was so important for him to be in contact while we were married. I finally asked him to stop having contact with old lovers because it bothered me and thinking he would understand that I thought it would change. I think he did it ever more after I asked him to stop! He would tell me he only gets a long with women. Hmmm….I never was quite sure how to take that one. He only had ONE male friend from college and that friend twice “dumped” him for bad behavior. He would always say that this one ex girlfriend, a girlfriend that he admitted to not really liking but he went out with her because she was so gaga over him (who does that?)and because she admired him so he could get the attention he feels he deserves. Anyway, he told me a story about this woman. That she was dated raped in college and got herpes. So, he was on an experimental medication because “dating” her meant he was at risk for herpes. (there was some weirdness and skin rashes that didn’t make sense…not herpes but something unfamiliar…I was a nurse anesthetist so I could identify…)anyway, I believed his herpes story. Of course I believed everything he told me being the naive person I used to be. note: USED TO BE! So just now I am realizing that his story is a freaking lie. He admitted to being a “womanizer” in college because he felt so insecure. Why tell me this? Now I see most likely he had herpes and lied to me. Thankfully I didn’t ever get it. I did have an abnormal pap once after leaving him, no treatment and fine now, but his first wife told me she had to have cryo on her cervix because of him. What a creep! 5 years into the marriage he said to me, “I really miss Deb. She is the only one who really got me” meaning she was the only one who catered to his every whim and need and fawned over him with attention. All I know is I felt like I had another child with him around. I couldn’t count on him to do anything safely, on time, or without a defensive posture.
It was amazing yesterday….I walked in memory of my mom who died in Feb this year of breast cancer. We had 40K people racing for the cure in my city! It was a rough day for me and a rough couple of days actually. I have been doing pretty well overall but am having some pretty low days again after all of this. Not seeing my dad or daughter and my plan had bee to walk the Susan Kohmen 5k with my son who is 26, my D who is 9 and my dad with my dad in his wheel chair and his dog! But it was just me and a friend as I am dealing with sick brother spath, sick spath ex. I was so depressed being around all the families on the walk. Selfish, I know. But I couldn’t talk the entire walk. I miss my mom and have not really grieved her with all the crap that has gone on the past 6 months with brother and ex. It just brought it all back yesterday full force. I ended up feeling like a loser. asking all the stupid questions of myself like why did I do this, or that and wishing I could go back 12 years to before I met ex spath. I am feeling miserable today again. And so tired and my exhaustion is from depression. I am, however, on my healthy path….working out, eating well, trying to sleep well. but still feel like this is impossible to get through and nothing I do will make a difference. The judge believes my ex and they all think I am a nutcase when in fact it is HIM that is the nutcase. I wouldn’t feel this way had I not lost custody of D. and in my emotional duress I have made stupid stupid mistakes. I am NOW, however, doing the right things each day and I will not continue to allow myself to be sucked into the self fulfilling prophecy. I did get a thought the other day and that is at some point 1) my brother will not be able to remain “cool” and “calm”. I know him. He is a sick guy with extreme rage so it will be a matter of time when the people around my father figure this out and realize that I was the one who helped my parents. and 2.) the same for my ex. He hasn’t changed. I also know him. If I stay quiet and behind the scenes and he lets down his guard so to speak his real self will emerge. He cannot keep up the good guy act. he couldn’t when married to me…he was outed a few days before his wedding to #3 so he had his good guy act on for a lot longer this time…but his world will collapse.
So, despite this depression I am on day 5 of praying for ex. I have good prayers and bad prayers but I am trying. I don’t want to think about him every day. I want him out of my head and I want to take my power back. So, I am doing what I know has worked for me in the past. But realizing how many resentments I have since my divorce from him, it makes me feel horrible. I am very angry! at attorney’s, judges, friends that abaondoned me, my church and pastor that abandon me despite knowing what my ex is (oh but he gives a lot of money to the church so in my negativity that is how I see it). But these resentments are not good for me. And I need to deal with them soon. I am not this angry type of person. I have always been a very happy, kind person. I realize how much of that happy kind person allowed people to walk over her and so I am learning how to rein some of it in, but I am so angry right now I don’t let anyone in. I wonder if I ever will be able to. I am pissed because my mom hurt me a lot as a child and I had to really work hard to get through that stuff, a cousin did some crap when I was young, my brother has hurt me deeply…and I worked all of that out in therapy. then I meet ex spath. Wow. sometimes it feels like too much. i guess the one thing I didn’t realize is that despite apologizing with all my heart for the stuff I was accountable for in my marriage (and we had a conversation the first year of marraige about some things and I even told him I’d let him out of the marriage and not ask a thing and he said no he didn’t want to divorce and he forgave me) he held on to resentments towards me and little did I know that he was slowly trying to destroy me (he has said just that). and although he was in his porn and sex addiction and had affairs on me before we even married (two while we were dating and one while we were engaged-I didn’t know it til later) he was just a sadist in how he treated me.
Well, I will just shut up now. I have had a few off days and have been pretty bummed out. Don’t need to do the self pity thing. I’ve been trying to get some balance in my life, yet I have so much venom in my heart still. And I wish for bad things for ex and brother yet that just keeps me in that negative place. I am thinking about going to a shooting range and making targets out of their pictures….maybe that would help heal??!
Dear China girl,
Hun, you will have those up and down days, but GREAT FOR YOU for walking as a tribute to your mother.
The X P and the Brother P and your dad being ill, losing your mom, and everything else coming at once is ENOUGH TO TAKE DOWN A BULL ELEPHANT, so you think you should be standing up without any trouble, WHY?
We nurses (only second to doctors) take care of others first and not ourselves and we seem to think that because we know about something means it can’t HAPPEN to us. WRONG!!!!
At 63 I am only NOW learning to take care of ME FIRST. Went to an appointment with my sleep specialist—been needing to be retested for my apnea settings for YEARS, so, NOW I AM GOING TO DO IT. Go Monday night for my UN-sleep test….they do all this stuff to you so you can’t sleep and then DRUG you til you do! LOL
But SCORE A POINT FOR THE OX DROVER, she did something for herself today! (pat pat pat—that’s the sound of me patting myself on the back)
So, China girl….whatever happened in the past, you must FORGIVE yourself for it whether anyone else does or not! And believe me the Ps will always hold a grudge! LOL
But once you have forgiven yourself, you must learn to TRUST yourself again to keep you safe and not allow those past behaviors to return.
As for the parts of your family that are toxic to you, we must let go of those toxic people just like we would LET GO OF A HOT HORSE SHOE! If we don’t let go it will continue to burn us.
I know you would like to be with your dad, but because of your brother that isn’t possible now. My own family has done collateral damage to my other relationships too, so, I just have to stand aside and say, this is NOT SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL. So I will let the pain go.
When I started to pray for “those that abused” me, I DID NOT WANT TO….and I did NOT mean those prayers. But I would write them down and read them aloud. I knew God knew I didn’t mean them, but I also knew that He knew I was TRYING. Eventually I got to feeling less toxic and hurt by those people. The prayers may not have done them any good, but they did ME a world of good in getting me out of some of my negative state.
So you hang in there Chinagirl! You have already come a long way, you just keep doing like the race for the cure—ONE STEP AT A TIME! ((((HUGS))))
Chinagirl, Glad to see you here. Interesting that we feel safe enough here to tell our tale and let those trusted names we see here in…I think there is hope for us. I hear you that you are sad right now, but you should know there is an underlying strength in the tone of you latest post above. This statement of yours resonated with me, ” All I know is I felt like I had another child with him around. ” Great observation and red flag!!! Although, I did not experience this until after I had a child with him. Congratulations on the week of prayer. I got the idea here, maybe from you or Ox or someone with insight. It has been interesting, difficult, cleansing. I keep trying, each time I think of him, being to fill with hate: I wish him well, I wish that he feel joy in his heart without malice, I wish that we get to move on with our lives.
Although the target practice sounds good, I would keep the image in your minds’ eye. Otherwise it could look bad for you. All the best–Fearless
I keep reading and I keep having ahhaaaa moments and then I keep questioning if I’m crazy for thinking he is such a monster. My head believes it…my head sees the pattern and my heart just can’t get past the incredible love, heart, caring, compassion and patience I fell in love with….even though I am trying to accept that was an act….give the boy an academy award because I believed it all….I loved that man with every breath I took!!!
I found out today that they moved in together and it hurts so bad. I don’t understand how he could sit here, hold me, wipe my tears and tell me that he had come back to save us all the while telling her she was all he ever wanted or thought about. And 5 months later he is living a new life with her. The man who hated the burbs because he needed to be out and about more is now playing daddy to her two preschool age kids?? He happily starts a new life while I’m still trying to pick up the pieces to to the one he shattered.
BUT my head tells me…of course he is living with her…he couldn’t get an apartment on his own…he HAD to be with her….getting her to move in with him gets her away from her family (she has been living with her mom), he doesn’t have to invest anything for the move because she will supply all the furniture…she’s living there so if he can’t pay the bills she will…gets him full time transportation….all the reasons why..not that he loves her…but he loves what she does for him…and she praises him all the while…he is the best thing ever…she “should write a thank you letter to her fairy god mother!!”
Oh but when does my heart believe what my head knows. Any answers…is there a time frame for this stuff?? When do I really start to believe he is a bad guy…not that I just wasn’t “the one”
How long does it take to accept/believe that he really didn’t change for her…that he isn’t capable of that kind of change…is he??!!!??
China – thanks!!! Sorry if I brought back any old feelings. I can’t imagine dealing with all of this with the loss of my mom!! I can’t imagine having married him, had a child, and then discovered this. He was going to propose in April…I just read the emails before he had the chance
Kim- my mom has said the same thing….he was going to leave…the only question was when. I am hard on myself…working on that….sometimes I think I will forgive him before I forgive myself.
I’m sorry…I feel like I question so much…I get mad at myself for still crying…every day…five months later and I couldn’t get out of bed today….I will tomorrow….I didn’t deserve this….I loved him with everything I had….I loved him honestly and purely…and he left my world shattered….as much as I see how lucky I am to have been ripped from his claws..it still hurts. BUT…I will not let him steal anything more from me….I will get better….I just hope it is soon…I miss the happy, laughing, cheerful, spirited girl I was before!!!
Actually, stolen innocence,
I feel like you’re writing MY story! You said,
“When I started to find out the truth and call him on it is when he changed”I was impossible to communicate with”I accused him of turning the knife and he said I was the master and that is why he was angry. I think I tried to keep expaining myself to him”kept thinking that if I said it the right way..used the right words or emotions that he would finally understand and explain it. The only explination i ever got was that one day he just didn’t love me as much as he did in the beginning. He loved me all the time at first then one day it was’t the same”no reason why. Then at one point I remember him saing “sorry monkey you just couldn’t compete.”
After I discovered all of his lies (well I’m sure I haven’t discovered ALL of them) I wanted to confront him”I wanted him to KNOW that he didn’t get to walk away without someone knowing what he did”who he was. He gave me a blanket “i’m sorry for some of the things I did in our relationship” But he never took any real responsibility.”
Well, you’ve said a lot of things that made me say, “hey, that’s exactly what he did to me!” But I guess I wanted to say something about these parts of your story becuz these are 2 things I’ve gotten advice on since being here at LF…& I’ve gotten the same advice from my therapist & from a friend who’s a counselor.
I thot everything was fine with J & me until about 6-7 mos before he left me….in that 6-7 mos he got increasingly distant & was drinking, besides that, all the things he’d promised me for 6-8 yrs just weren’t coming thru. It was then that I began to ask, “well, if you’re the nucleus of the business, why aren’t the partners coming thru for you?” He’d totally stopped caring for his appearance around me, & I began asking, “could you comb your hair/glue in your teeth/wash your feet?” Things I’d never done before. And of course I was Very Unhappy with his being drunk 2-4 nites a week, & I did everything I knew how to do to ask him to please not do it. [Every morning he’d say he was sooo sorry for being drunk the nite before, & say he wouldn’t do it again, so I asked him if he could put that in Writing becuz once he started drinking that promise went out the window!]
All of the terrible things he’s accused me of came about in those 6-7 months…..& now I’ve learned that my confronting him was a factor in his leaving me! Not because I was saying anything wrong,but becuz SPs do NOT want to be confronted with their lies & bad behavior!
When you talk about how much you loved that guy, my heart just breaks becuz I keep saying those same things about J—-even tho my F&F always cut me off when I try to say anything good about him to them! But when I say it to myself….well, I feel just like you do about your guy….just so very sad & so confused about what happened & why. I’ve heard the answer here again & again: “he did it because he could!” One of these days, that’s gonna sink in for me! And for YOU!
I copied that first paragraph here just becuz it resonated so much with me….it’s so hurtful, sweetheart….I know….it’s just so hard to separate what they said from what’s real & from what you want to blame yourself with! The only reason I’m getting a little bit of sanity on this is becuz of the women & the wisdom on LF, & from discussing the things I read here with my therapist.
Twice a week I see her, & about every other time that I see her, I’m back to blaming myself for his leaving me! She said, “you just keep circling back to this.” She said, “I want you to tell me some people who you respect for their opinions about other people.” I said, “well, the ones I can think of are ones who see the best in people.” And she said, “And what do they think of you?” I started crying & said, “they love me.” And she said, “And what did they think of him, even before he left you?” I said, “They didn’t trust him & they thot he had taken me away from all my friends.”
This is all still a huge, gaping fresh wound for me, darlin, so I don’t have any advice for you other than to say, “I know what you’re going thru, & let’s get thru it together.”