“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
CHINAGIRL?
I am writing long after you post so I hope you check this thread again.
I feel for you. You are in the stage of self blame. (we mix stages and go back and forth between stages and can be in more than one at the same time. Whoever implied that stages happened one at a time in some sequence should have been more clear.) I stayed stuck in the self blame stage for (cringe at my stupidity) YEARS. I am mostly past it, but sometimes revert for a SHORT time.
I read or heard something about praying. Basically this: Utimately We can’t do ANYTHING about anybody but ourselves. And the only thing we can really control about ourselves comes down to a choice 1) to do good 2) to do evil. And really, if you believe in God (I do), isn’t that what he asks of us?
My advice is instead of trying to fix it all so fast (/bc it is ENORMOUS), or condemning yourself for not having gotten over it all already, step back and just focus on praying for yourself and your daughter, and pray about chosing “to be good” and all that it REALLY means (i promise it does not include thinking one IOTA of HIM).
To be good includes self care, not allowing him to victimize you if possible, FORGIVING yourself for whatever you think you failed at or for what you “should have done” (the should haves can be so self defeating), and when you have “to be good” in firm management, then you will be emotionally ready for prayers for others, and by that time, I think you will find any issues with others already resolved.
Stolen Innocence,
Are we soul sisters and you lived part of my life somehow? Nah! But these spaths sure are cut from the same cloth.
Gosh we ALL do one thing VERY well, esp at the beginning. We beat the CARP out of ourselves. And then do it again and agin.
I’d say you are still in shock. Too soon to take inventory to assess what is your responsibility and to TRULY lay accountability at HIS doorstep.
Do NOT condemn yourself for not getting out of bed. Think of it as getting hit with a MACK truck. Ya gotta give yourself the space to heal. You will know you are ready for something else when you realize you want something more. Until then, it won’t even occur to you.
I am embarrassed how long it took me but I din’t have health insurance, so I had no access to counceling or doctor’s care. After a while I decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore and I got Pro-active. I gave my mind a vacation from obsessing on him by watching movies (1.5 hrs brain recovery), did Sudoko (highly difficult, 30 min brain recovery, played Mama Mia cd 1000’s of times, sang and made up dance moves to it, (brain recovery, one broken toe recovery). I sought healing of my SOUL b/c THAT was what he tried to kill.
Mantra that Hens gave me:
I AM different.
I will NEVER be the same.
I AM working on that being a GOOD thing.
Find what heals your soul. Do it until….
KatyDid, ChinaGirl, Stolen_innicence,
You guys ARE soul sisters for sure. Your stories are different and yet so much the same All “Greek Tragadies” and yet, you are all so strong. Keep up your strength, lock arms, and keep on walking.
Go back through the old articles archived by subject (the yearly archives only go back 1 year) and read every last one of them. Meditate on its meaning to YOU….not every one will resonate with you AT THAT TIME, because as we progress through the stages of healing we related to different parts of the grief process….because that is what you are experiencing, is GRIEF for the loss of what you THOUGHT you had, “his love”—and that grief for that loss hurts especially because it is a BETRAYAL.
You guys are GREAT!!!!! You are marching on, in lock step. Arms linked together! ((((Hugs))))
After this man my children have blocked my phone number and texts, will not listen to me. Do I move away? How do I live after this??? I don’t want to live without them!! My parents died when I was 5 and I gave my kids what I never had!!! It was hard, but I did it for now, to watch them blossom…enjoy my grandbabies and know that I had overcome insurmountable things to become who I was to them……. AND IT’S ALL GONE!!!
I was previously married to aq man who lived a double-life, and I had to “hold it all together” for the family. This man, the one who has destroyed me I thought was my ‘blessing at the end of the storm.’ I DID NOT KNOW I WAS ABOUT TO ENTER THE MOST HORRIFIC TIME OF MY LIFE. I have survived many things, but I am barely breathing. I have nothing left. I survive.I work. I sleep. I cry. I am left in a place where I am not dead as there would be peace in that….and not alive either……somewhere inbetween which is too painful to describe.
Sorry…. I had written so much before the above post but it disappeared in to cyber space.
Too tired to rewrite it. Yesterday was my B.D spent alone after this monster has taken every person I ever loved with him, and left me in pieces. I watched the news, wailed and cryed took 3 speeling pills and went to sleep at 7:30 while my granddaughter and children live 10 mins from me but never once contacted me. He is so convincing, So unbelievabley handsome, charming, and irresistable! I barely believe it myself,and if I tried to tell someone I would only CONVINCE THEM I was as crazy as he has painted me…. He won!
“Good bait often conceals an even bigger hook”
DEar BellaAngel,
WElcome to love fraud! I hear your pain and your devestation in the short version of your story. Thank you for being able to share even that much.
I wish I could tell you the answer to your questions and give you a book with “directions” 1-2-3 to sit down and follow like a recipie to put your life back together. I can only telll you to “take a breath, and then another.”
You say you “survive. work. sleep. cry” For now that is ENOUGH!
You feel right now that the important parts of your life are as you said above “GONE!!” But THE MOST IMPORTANT PART, is NOT gone! YOU!!! But without taking care of YOU nothing else matters.
Your post said you were married to a mann who was leading a “double life” and that you “had to hold it all together” for the family, which tells me that you have something in common with most of the rest of us—you put yourself LAST, and do not take proper care of yourself.
Now, though you love your children (and they are apparently angry with you, have shut you out) you must put yourself first take care of yourself. RIGHT NOW for just TODAY, take care of you FIRST. BE good to yourself. Stop beating yourself. Make a resolve to be as good to yourself today as you would be to your children whenn they were babies. (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Bella, I just now saw your ps post….I liked what you said about the “better bait” only hides a bigger hook! that is a good one!!! TRUE!!!!
it was last April when I dared challenge him. The night before he told me I was “about to make the biggest mistake of my life”. I didn’t back down. The next day I remember him handing me a drink. I thought that tastes wierd! Then I was shook awake and it was eve. All my children, their husbands my Pastor(female) and he were there. I remember tears, anger and kisses goodbye. That’s it! It took days to put it all together, as then for days he was “working it” ……the smear campaign….painting me “crazy”, “Borderline” . I was hearing lie after lie about things I supposedly said or had done. My Pastor told me I may have committed the “unpardonable sin” because I was not repenting of things she had heard about me, from him. He gave me a Borderline Personality for Dummies book and told the neighbors I had a complete mental breakdown and so many other things!!! He always would threaten me with a meeting calling my kids and Pastor and I would look at him and just say “What?” I found teen porn on his computer and thought ‘surely they will listen to me now!!!’, (as he had a strange,strong relationship with my 19 year old daughter). I was screamed at that I should never have shown them those images,and that Dave would never do that! They cut me off completely. I heard how he was with each friend of mine, over 20+ year relationships and would cry to them and get sympathy from them. Emails he would send would say things like “look at all the dead bodies that YOU have slain, including mine!” . To this day not ONE friend or family member has driven down my driveway to ask me what I thought. So many lies….. Five months later I just contacted his past girlfriend. She said to me #1 He is dangerous! #2 That it was not about me, but my daughters #3 that he staged an intervention and painted her “crazy” and turned her family against her( but later they sent him running!….to me!) #4 she reported him to the missions agency he works with kids through but he had already painted her crazy to them so they would not listen. #5 that he had put her 13 year old daughter and her friend on his phone plan without permission. But now, I have all this info and not ONE PERSON ( except my sisters in MN. 12 hours away) believe me. I went to my church and they won’t listen as this woman Pastor has much clout in the community. I can’t fight back. I let him back into my life 8 weeks ago, and I would awake with panic attacks as my heart and my head do not match! He is Mr. Wonderful…and yet, a devil? He has said to me recently ” you live in another reality”, you need to watch ” A Beautiful Mind Movie.” about a schizo~! and “you are very broken from way back”….just out of the clear blue! I do not do anything to provoke these comments! I told him he needs to watch the movie “Gaslighting”!! I am divorcing him but he is begging me not too! That I am making a mistake, that it only LOOKS like he did these things…that if I would talk to these people they would tell me how much he loves me, how devoted he is to me! He also painted to my children that I was having an affair with their Dad while married to him so they are angry as they love this man, and it makes me look like a whore. None of it was true. My Ex, only sided with me that I was NOT crazy and would not do these things that I am being accused of as he lived with me for 28 years!!
What an evil scheme! It is so hard as a Christian to see this evil win. It makes me question, but I won’t let go of my faith. I did things wrong…I should have prayed before I met him, but he appeared so good, so Christian. APPEARED! EVIL HAS ALL THE APPEARANCE OF AN ANGEL OF LIGHT! There is so much I have learned, but I have learned it in that my trust is gone forever!
Oxy, I have ALWAYS looked out for others more than myself. But, that is my joy!!! I delivered my GrandBabies and I was “second mommy”…now I have not seen them in 6 months!! Do they cry for me like I do them???
He didn’t want me to work while we were together, so now I am working a grunt job just trying to make the mortgage. The HARDEST PART IS THE SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING IT…..six months with no one to talk to!! So hard! So painful!!
Thank you for listening……..
Dear Bella, I know that right now it’s hard to believe, but you will survive this, and feel better, one day very soon. Take it one day at a time, and do as Oxy says and be very gentle with yourself.
I am glad you are here to learn, grow, share, and recover along with the rest of us.
opps…forgot the most important thing in my “book” after I was shook awake and my family cut me out of there life, I heard that I had made a phone call to my oldest daughter telling her” i was cutting them from my life, and they can raise those children ( my precious Granddaughters) alone!” I have NO REMEMBRANCE of ANY phone call. She saved it so I know I did it, but I would NEVER do that! My friends used to say I was Mother of the year!! I researched Date rape drugs and it fits perfectly…..but it makes me sound even “crazier”. He is Mr. Wonderful remember? They have the call saved so they just listen to it, look at him and come to the conclusion that Mom is evil,and we need to protect our kids from her…..
Thanks again for listening, I really, really need all of you if I am going to get through this. I can’t believe how other thoughts can come in your mind while walking this dark of a path. Thanks.